Episodes of Loneliness (2 )– The “H” Syndrome

He was always the choice of coincidence as he was always the best alternate plan. He is always the choice of pressure as he is always available. He was the choice of the little girl and he is the “Christopher Columbus” of the woman. He was the first and he is the last and he was always in-between.
Things started with him, he was the first point in the first circle. Things always end with him as he is the iteration condition, the only point of tangency between the interrelated circles that form my life.
He was the choice of the little girl as he always looked like prince charming. He was tall, he was fit and he had such a marvelous French accent. He smelled good, dressed good and acted with manners. He was smart, ambitious and an engineer. He was everything the little girl wished for.
He was the choice of coincidence as he was the only available alternative. He met the prince charming definition at the time no one else was even close to the standard. He was th e best escape plan for the little girl. She wanted a fairy tale. And a fairy tale he promised. He was her first. He was her first liar. He was her first scam. He was her first devil, her first kiss, and her first bite of the forbidden fruit.
He is my famous “H”. He is the shadow that darkened my life. He is my sin that was never forgiven. He is the rock, the river and the stream. He is the vicious cursed maze that took over my life one spring day. I got in and I couldn’t find my way out. I am cursed to move in circles that start with him and end with him. He is the executioner and it is my blood that keeps me attached to him.
Ever since I have known him 5 years ago I have always ended with him. I have left him once then again then fell in love then got back to him then back to love ending by falling back into his awaiting hands, then off to a new light that passed by too fast to find myself again in his ruthless hands.
He was always my choice of pressure as he has always been my happy pill. He always knew how to make me feel wanted, how to make me feel beautiful and how to play the right sexy buttons on me. He had always known his way. He got a picture of my mind engraved on the back of his hand. He walks in, knowing all the right places. He knows how to manipulate the soul and deceive the mind.
I never knew how to fight his influence. I never knew how to keep him off. Regardless how hard I try, I always end up lonely. And regardless how hard I try I always end up with him.
I am lonely and he was my only choice. I am lonely and I can’t let him go. I have lived too long in the dark; I have lost my way to the shinning sun.

I can’t breathe. I can’t think.

Confessions - 1

I discovered that sometimes my feelings get lost in the figures of speech. When Brad asked me how I see him in my life. I kept trying to put it into a philosophical way. I wanted to impress the poet, I don’t really know if I have done that consciously, but I discovered that while trying to impress the poet I have failed to communicate my thoughts.
I failed to say you are my rope of hope.

Dark Secrets - 3

I discovered that my problem is that I have always buried the woman in the time I should have buried the little girl. My problem is that I am still keeping the box labeled fairies, and I still wish upon the stars. The problem is that I still believe that the wolf is my kind old grandma. I discovered that the real problem is that I am still the little girl regardless how hard I try.

I once asked a friend of mine if he thinks I was naïve. He replied in astonishment, no way. You are not naïve by any means. He then asked me to define naïve. I replied naïve is being stupid. He corrected me saying that the proper definition for naïve is being stupid in an innocent way. He then elaborated saying that I was never stupid, you are just innocent.
As the time passed, and after 9 years of asking that question. It pops up one more time into my mind. Am I naïve? Am I stupid in an innocent way? 9 years ago I wasn’t stupid but I was innocent and as I grew up innocence faded but seems as it faded stupidity bolded.
After nine years here I am finding the right answer for the question. I am not naïve. I am just stupid.

Q.E.D

Current Thought – Anna Nichole Smith

She was a sex icon; she was the fuel feeding the fire of the sex industry. She was the model many women opted to be and she was the woman every man dreamed to have.
It was a surprise reading the blonde’s diary. She confessed that she hated sex. She hated how her men cared about nothing but sex, in the time she wanted the little things.
That blonde had hit the jackpot of philosophy. She hated sex and made a whole industry use her as a sex icon.
She was just a girl who needed love in the time the whole world was too horny to acknowledge her feelings.
She wrote “I hate sex.”
Amen!!!

The Spider

As I wave farewell to the year 2007 I decided it is just about time to get back to the job market. Ten months are more than enough as a break. I didn’t meet the unemployment definition for the last ten months as I wasn’t willing to work, now as I am writing these words I finally met the definition. I am capable, willing and searching for a job.
Being back into the job hunting race doesn’t mean being desperate, I am still picky and I am taking things as easy as I can. I don’t want to fall in the old trap. A trouble free job is the position I am seeking, nothing worth hypertension.

Job hunting is a thrill that I enjoyed feeling again. Interviews are the best part I like about job hunting. I like wearing the professional look, the professional smile and the professional handshake. I like being arrogant and showing off skills without being blamed for doing so.
That was what I exactly planned the other day as I wore my professional look, professional smile and professional handshake heading towards the well known advertising company. I was already flattered to get to the interview phase, not because I wasn’t qualified for the job but because the company has a policy not to recruit veiled females. I was flattered that my modest skills and experiences got me an interview regardless the fact that I am veiled.
By the time I had my last interview, 5 years ago, it was customary to go at least 5 minutes before your appointment, which was the thing I did. But I found out that I have to wait for more than an hour as the head of the company, who will interview me, is busy because some mistake in his schedule.
I enjoyed the exploration, and the comments. Then it was finally my time. I made sure I am wearing the smile, and gave the guy the confident handshake as I introduced myself. I was prepared to answer whatever questions he’s got but surprisingly enough I couldn’t answer his question as his question was “WHAT IS YOUR ZODIAC SIGN?”.
Honestly, I reacted simultaneously. I laughed. And when he asked me why am I laughing I answered that it wasn’t the kind of question I was expecting. He said that in his company they ask about everything even shoe size. And that was when the woman kicked in and replied 38. He smiled repeating the zodiac sign question again.
Knowing that I am a Leo, the guy seemed to be so interested in me. He said that female Leos are the softest females. That was the fact that he built on that females of my generation are completely treated unfairly by the men of our generation and that “I” should date men his age, as men his age, which is only 15 years older, knows how to treat a lady.
In a try to direct him to my professional experience and answering a question about what do I think of myself as a person, I told him that I think I was a shark in my past job. He liked the description as that was more than what he signed for a lioness who happens to be a shark a work. He concluded the interview by writing a big “OK” on the papers that sums me up then he walked me to the door.

I wasn’t sure how should I feel at that moment. Should I feel happy I got the job, or should I feel disgusted I had such an interview. As I was waiting patiently for my ride to arrive I decided that it is pure disgust that I feel. And in a hopeless try to get over my negative feeling I started evaluating the shark description. Am I really a shark?
I was surprised that when I thought it over, I discovered that I hope to be a shark but the truth is I am far of being one. I am not vicious by nature; I don’t attack without a reason. And I don’t like blood.
I have had my share of fights at work, I have had my share of bossing people around and I have had things done my way in many times. I was ruthless but always out of defense, given that attacks are the first line of defense. And this doesn’t make me a shark. I discovered that I am more like a spider than a shark.
I crawl in unnoticed. I sew a web with my name on every thread. I mark every inch as mine with the threads. Till one day, all unnoticed, the place is mine.
When I left, there was a “Shimaa” gap. I left my print on every single file the company had, I had my print on every single operation the company took. I had my sign on the kitchen, on the walls and even the noise had my sign. I went in unnoticed and when I left the whole company was my marked territory.
I was a spider crawling into my mother’s shoes. When she died no one would think I could ever fill in. no one noticed me crawling in. no one cared to check the little signs the threads on my web left. In 14 years I knitted the perfect web. I maintained the family; I am running the house with no clear date to mark as the day I stepped in.
I didn’t have an anniversary to celebrate in any of my relations. There was never a clear date to mark the start of the relation as I have always crawled in unnoticed. None of them noticed me coming. They all woke up on the suffocating fact that they are marked as mine. They enjoyed the tickles of the little spider; they never expected the web to be a territory marker. The never related the fact that my unconditional love meant that they are mine the same way I am theirs.
The amazing thing that my men, my ex’s, have reacted the same way my ex boss and my family reacted to my spider web technique. They all freaked out.
First was my family with the territory fights. My dad by the “I am not your husband to try to control me”. My brother and sister by the “we are not your son and daughter to expect us to obey”.
Then it was my boss’s turn to escape the vicious web by his attempt to create a new position superior to me.
And finally my fleeing men who did what their instincts as men dictated them to do. They ran for their lives. Manifesting the spider technique one of the ex’s screamed in a sincere talk the other night saying “for God’s sake, you need a superman”.
When I couldn’t get his point about the superman he elaborated that I scare my men away. And that I have freaked him out more than once. He asked me about the reason he broke up with me the first time, I answered because you are just a playboy. He said sure I am, but that wasn’t the reason. He said that a playboy won’t break up with a girl just because he got a kiss. He said that a kiss was the least he wanted. He continued that the real reason he broke up with me was the way I reacted after the kiss. Or the place he woke up after the kiss to find himself in. he said that I was everywhere, I was in his dreams, in his mail, in his phone, in his friends. I was literally everywhere. I suffocated him. And that was the only reason he ran away the first time. And it was the reason each single man ran away.

Am I really a spider?

I Am Finally Back :)

So, Finally I got my laptop fixed. I felt as if I was trapped on a desserted island. I lost communication with the world :)
I discovered that it is too hard to grab a pen and write after getting used to type. But though I tried my best to record my thoughts.
I missed blogging so till I start typing my own ideas I thought of sharing this with you. My good friend Amany sent it to me this morning

I miss you all

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Don't ever sell yourself short, ladies...
In a brief conversation, a man asked a woman he was pursuing the question "What kind of man are you looking for?" She sat quietly for a moment before looking him in the eye and asking "Do you really want to know?" Reluctantly, he said "Yes." She began to expound... "As a woman in this day and age, I am in a position to ask a man what he can do for me that I can't do for myself. I pay my own bills. I take care of my household without the help of any man...or woman for that matter. I am in the position to ask, "What can you bring to the table?" The man looked at her. Clearly he thought that she was referring to money. She quickly corrected his thought and stated, "I am not referring to money. I need something more. I need a man who is striving for perfection in every aspect of life. " He sat back in his chair, folded his arms, and asked her to explain. She said "I am looking for someone who is striving for perfection mentally because I need conversation and mental stimulation. I don't need a simple-minded man. I am looking for someone who is striving for perfection spiritually because I don't need to be unequally yoked... believers mixed with unbelievers is a recipe for disaster. I need a man who is striving for perfection financially because I don't need a financial burden. I am looking for someone who is sensitive enough to understand what I go through as a woman, but strong enough to keep me grounded. I am looking for someone who I can respect. In order to be submissive, I must respect him. I cannot be submissive to a man who isn't taking care of his business. I have no problem being submissive...he just has to be worthy. God made woman to be a help mate for man. I can't help a man if he can't help himself. When she finished her spill, she looked at him. He sat there with a puzzled look on his face. He said, "You are asking a lot." "She replied, "I'm worth a lot." Send this to every woman who's worth a lot....

Out Of Service

My Laptop is dead, I am sorry for being away and I am sorry I will be off for some more time till I get back intouch with the world :(

I miss Blogging

One Year Of Blogging

I was checking my profile and I discovered that it has been a year since I started blogging. I don’t feel a year is a long time and I don’t really have much to say. But I am really thankful for the man who suggested I should have a blog. I am so thankful for everyone who spare some of his precious time to check my thought-less thoughts. I am so thankful for those who heard my silent screams. I am so thankful for the new friends I made on the blog-sphere. I am not going to celebrate the one year of blogging as there isn’t yet anything to celebrate but I would like to dedicate that friend of mine who sparked the idea these few words.

My dearest S

You are the best thing that happened to me in the last two years. I kept re-writing long pages about how much I appreciate you in my life. How much I appreciate this friendship. I couldn’t find something that would show my appreciation and I don’t think I have the talent to write the proper words.
I go through the over 1800 SMS’s and I smile. You have always made my days. You have always been there for me. I close my eyes and I remember how many times I called you crying and how many times you made me smile. I remember how you always said that we are different mind sets. I remember our first meeting, the DVD’s enclosed in the books. The best birthday celebration I ever had and the hugest birthday present I ever had.
I remember how much you hated my persistence to give you something for valentine. I remember that you suggested celebrating the anniversary of the 1st contact instead.
I am so thankful that you are always there to catch me every time I fall.

It has been time when I felt that I am cursed; now I am sure I am the luckiest person in the world. I have you by my side. I have the only flawless person in this world as a friend.
I have the wise mind & the sincere heart. I have you.

Thanks for everything.

Love always
Shimaa

P.S. 3ayez eh fi el Valentine LOL

Open Discussion

Hello all

I have had some ideas buzzing in my mind and I thought of discussing them over here.
I would like to know your personal views regarding the following:

First: the social classes in Egypt.
What are the characteristics of each class and its sub classes?

Second: do men really love?
If they do, can a man harm his woman out of this love?
e.g a man feeling jealous, or helpless so he pushes his woman away.

I will be waiting for feedbacks

Thanks in advance.

Shimaa Gamal

Dark Secrets – 2

I am someone who got bound to a rock and thrown in a wild river. I am drowning with no hope of survival. I am fighting but I go no where but the bottom of that river. It is the current that decides where I go. It is the rock that decides how deep I dive. The only thing I can do is to save my breath on the hope that a trespasser will come and lend me a hand.
He is the rock, the river, the stream & the trespasser. I am trapped for what seems like eternity. I fight, I float but I can't lose the rock. I am drowning and he is the rock, the river, the stream and the help.


Help!!!

Someone cut the chain please!

Picture: Andromeda exposed to the sea-monster (1869) Paul Gustave Doré

Freaky!!!

Leo: You keep saying someone's not your type - but how has your type worked out before? It's worth giving someone different a shot.

The Day I Grew A Penis

I know that the title might be a bit offensive to the reader. But I couldn’t find a better expression. I am a female, a woman as my men call me. I am supposed to be sensitive, emotional, caring, indecisive by definition, and relationship consistent by attitude.
Some how, through the course of my life, I started losing some of my womanly traits and I started acquiring what Brad calls the penis. Though known for being talkative, I started preferring silence in many cases. I started to be decisive, initiative and solution oriented instead of being whining oriented. But the thing that proved the existence of the penis was my recent relationship orientation. I have started to develop the flagging attitude, the possession obsession behavior.
I am trying to flag someone that I know isn’t mine and I have no interest in, just for the fun of flagging someone. I am obsessed by possessing someone I know I will never posses just for the sake of marking territory. I am enjoying grey tones and never take a relation into a white or black square.
Only a man, because of the hunter instinct, will pursue a woman who he knows belongs to someone else. Only a man will hunt a prey for the sake of sport. Only a man will mark any free territory as his and will try to claim others too.
I can’t find a valid reason for a woman to hunt. I can’t find a valid reason for a woman to mark territory. I can’t find a valid reason for a woman to dump the beautifulness of being a woman and acquire the worst in a male.
I don’t know how, where and why I developed that new attitude. The only answer was what Brad bravely said. Congratulations YOU MUST BE HAVING A PENIS :( :( :( :(

The French Mood

I am in the mood for french, I am always in the mood for good music but I am only in the mood for french songs when I am in a certain state of mind.

This song reminds me of something sweet, it was the theme song playing in my mind as I walked up my way to cloud nine.

Enjoy :)

P.S.

I am currently wondering, what did she do that I didn't do? What does she have that I don't? What would she offer that I won't? I am just wondering. Or may be SHE is!!!!

Anyway, to be hated for what I am is far better than being loved for what I am not ...

Secret Wishes

My aunt insists that I should speak well of my wishes inorder for them to become true. She believes that I should write them down and keep them in a place where I see them everyday and say a little prayer :)

Actually she have mentioned something about lighting a candle for a Brazilian Saint :) which is the only thing I intentionally dropped :)

Anyway, only for my aunt's sake here I am writing down my wishes, in the only place I am checking daily. I will let the prayers part for those who read this post and again I intentionally dropped saint Antonio's candle. After all I am not that desparate :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :)

P.S.

I am not gonna write my wishes, I am just writing the initials :)

It is a puzzle that I hope no one can solve

S, E, I, M, H

Dark Secrets – 1

I have to admit that I find it easier not to take decisions regarding my relationships. I prefer to be rejected than deciding to reject someone.
Rejection spares me the risk of deciding to commit. I really don’t know how people decide to commit. How can anyone give up freedom for uncertainty?

Picture: Fear of the unknow open door www.artbywicks.com

On Unconscious Love & Illusionary Optimism

Miss Egyptiana Wrote:

First time to know that optimism can be illusionary!!!I think it is a positive energy that help in doing things
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of course love is a conscious act... love electrify your body, occupy your mind, chain your soul ... how you cant notice all of this


My dearest Egyptiana

I guess illusionary optimism and unconscious love are related to a great extent.
Illusionary optimism is a case where the person loses the sense of reality. The person will act as if he owns the whole world. Illusionary optimism is directly related to the unexplained state of the heart (AKA Love). As love sometimes, again sometimes not always, can be a big source of diversion. A person in love will usually miss the little details. Love work wonders with the mind. Happiness can be misleading sometimes. While in love a person can pursue things that aren’t meant to be. He will try unlocking a closed door while having a window wide open. The faith that this closed door can be opened is an illusionary optimism.
As for love, it can be an unconscious act. It is not always the case but sometimes, we fall in love without even noticing. We wake up one day to feel the buzz moving with our blood stream. You will never remember when or where but you will definitely know that you are in love.

The extreme case will be, someone feeling the buzz of love and temporarily enjoying the status of illusionary optimism but without consciously identifying the source, i.e. the person who caused it.

If you are looking for a confession, recently I have noticed that I am passing through a peak of an illusionary optimism curve that led me to the conclusion that I, knowing the person I am, might be in love. Along came the question, who is the lucky person.
I have looked through my list of ex’s, friends, potential boyfriends and any male subject around me but I couldn’t consciously locate that person.
I feel the buzz, I own the world but I don’t know who’s caused this case.

Any idea :) ?!!!


P.S.
I see a high wave coming to shore :) my next wave crash will be a tsunami, so watch out ;)

Sister ... Sister

Ladies and Gentlemen I have news to share. Finally my sister got married. We have been struggling with time to meet our targets and finish all the “to do’s” before the wedding day. Finally we did it.
That was what I wrote in her guest book.



My dearest Heba & Hany
I have always said that love is the answer. But I can’t mislead you. Because life isn’t always as merry as we wish it to be. Hard times exist. There will come times where you will wonder if you have made the right choices, there will come times when you wonder why you fell in love in the first place and there will come time when the little things will lose their meaning. Love won’t be your answer; love will be the question both of you has to answer. Love is your test, and love is your salvation.

My dearest KoKi
I want you to remember everything that you have gone through, the good times and the bad times. Remember the faces that came into and out of your life. Remember every single moment. You will find that in better and in worse there was only one person who kept you company. YOURSELF.
So my dear, keep this in your mind, only YOU can do. You are up to everything. You have done it before, and you will keep doing it to the end of days.

Love you always
Shimaa

P.S.
Remember when I said there will always be You for You. Next comes ME : ) : ) : )
I will always be there for you.

With all the best of luck
May God grant you a happily ever after life

Current Thought - Random

Illusionary optimism: illusionary optimism is a rare case where the person experiences the feeling of possessing the world at his hands. Usually this person will see the full half of an empty cup, a typical behavior is a persisting attitude pursuing an impossible thing wearing mottos like impossible is nothing. If not treated properly this condition could lead to severe episodes of depression. Treatment is usually simple; to separate the subject from the source of the illusionary optimism, which is in most cases an unexplainable state of the heart (AKA love).

Consciousness: Is love a conscious act, or is it an unconscious thing? Can someone be in love without being aware of the feeling or the person?


Superficiality: how can we define a superficial person or a superficial act?

Going Home

This song goes to a really old friend ...

Je Suis Malade

Only Dalida can make me cry listening to this song

Little Things - 1

Little things that make my day :)

1- The SMS tone, announcing that Sameh has sent me a message.
2- Essam
3- Sameh’s Name on my Inbox
4- A new comment on my blog
5- A new country on my counter.
6- Breakfast out with someone dear
7- A good talk with Brad
8- Good food
9- Ahly winnings
10- My good friend Amany, who believes in me. She believes that I have the strength to make the world a better place.

P.S.
I know I haven't wrote anything of value for a while now, but I am really too busy and can't find time to write.

What Should You Be When You Grow Up?

You Should Be a Politician

Confident, assertive, and dedicated - you know what you want in life and how to get it.Stubborn and opinionated, you can stand your ground... even if it's unpopular.And while you have strong views, you never overwhelm people with your opinions.A true charmer, you subtly influence people into seeing things your way. You do best when you: - Work according to your own rules- Can change the world with what you do You would also be a good lawyer or talk show host.

What Should You Be When You Grow Up?

A politician :) Someone have seen my childhood dreams :) :) :)

Every Man's Dream

The girl friend remote, I am looking for the boy friend version :)

Forget Him

I couldn't find anything to say it better. This goes to all the girls who think they are in love with someone who care nothing about them ....

Illusions: An Analysis

Infatuation is when you think that he's as sexy as Robert Redford, as smart as Henry Kissinger, as noble as Ralph Nader, as funny as Woody Allen, and as athletic as Jimmy Conners. Love is when you realize that he's as sexy as Woody Allen, as smart as Jimmy Conners, as funny as Ralph Nader, as athletic as Henry Kissinger, and nothing like Robert Redford--but you'll take him anyway!! - Judith Viorst

Life is like a desert. To live is to survive the burning mornings and freezing nights. To live, is to secure a shelter in the scary open and to live is to believe in company while walking in the valley of wolfs.
Life resembles desert in many ways. Scarcity is one way. Illusions are another.
Unlike desert, illusions in life take many forms. While in desert, we have only the visual illusion which is a phenomenon that can easily be explained by physics. In life we have a phenomenal number of illusions that can never be related to physics.
As we strive for water in desert, we strive for security in life, security that comes in different forms and on different levels. Food, shelter and basic needs can be the perfect definition of security for some of us. A reputable career, a stylish car and a mountain of money could be the best definition for others. Love, family and safe company could be the optimum mix for the rest. Security could be a mix of everything and anything, but it is generally more of the resources the one think can help him survive through the desert called life.
Without getting too much into physics, visual illusion is simply a problem with perception. The reflection of sun light on sand gives the impression of water. And as water is the thing we struggle for in desert, we always forget that simple fact and follow our misleading perception.
Though unrelated to physics, other illusions basically follow that very simple logic. Illusions are just a perception problem; it is our personal perception of things that mislead us. It is our readiness to follow the illusion that takes us to middle of no where. It is our willingness to believe that these reflections are real water that leads us to the end.
We fall for illusions for different reasons, depending on the mix of security we seek, we fall for illusions to ease pain, to skip reality and sometimes because there is nothing else to believe. As the best thing about illusions is that they are always tempting and always pleasant, but unfortunately they always lead to middle of nowhere.
In desert, you risk your life following an illusion. You waste precious time hunting what can’t be hunted. You follow reflections instead of real water you seek, in life things work some how the same way. You get attracted to an illusion seeking what can’t be sought.
Illusions are a mirror where every thing looks beautiful. It twists reality to look as we deeply wish, in that mirror a witch will be an angel falling from heaven and a monster will act as prince charming. Illusions are the hard way to learn our lessons as it always comes at the high price of opportunity cost.
Anger, boredom and loneliness are all reflecting surfaces causing illusions. Anger, boredom and loneliness deflect the human mind towards emotional traps.
Love is one of these traps, or in actual terms imitations of love are the most famous of traps and the most known of illusions.
Real love is as scarce as diamonds, and mostly mistaken with rocks, while illusionary love is as shiny as glass but it worth as much as it.
In the quest for real diamonds, real love, we fall for many similar rocks. Lust, admiration, appreciation, like and love at first sight all shines but shininess of no value. Although each of them is based on a certain emotion, that can never be neglected but such emotions can never be compared to love.
Walking down the sighs valley, following a mirage of non existing water, shining loneliness will make some semi precious stones shines with reflections. A pure physical attraction will then be mistaken as love instead of calling it lust. Boredom will make a pure charcoal so promising of turning into a diamond so soon, the same way instant likeness is called by some, “love at first sight”. Anger is an exaggerating set of rays that will make an enemy of a friend and a lover of someone we just like.
Walking down the sighs valley, following the mirage of non existing solutions, we jump to love as the answer for each single question we ever had.
We just keep missing the real stone as the real stone is usually beneath the shiny semi precious feelings we fall for. We fall for these semi precious rocks as the real worthy one needs work to be earned. To get a diamond you need to dig for it, clean it, shape it and then give it to the one who deserve it. Love is earned through hard work, persistence and patience. Love needs to be handled with care and delivered to those who have waited anxiously for it to develop. Love isn’t a ready made fake jewelry, it is a tailored to taste custom designed art. Love is so precious that it is not commonly traded. Love is a set of rays not a reflecting surface. Love is the opportunity we waste, while running down the sighs valley hunting shiny illusions the same way a butterfly persistently hunt a fire looking for the shininess of light and facing nothing but burning to death.

Picture: Fractal by Pablo Picasso

Just what I needed

Brad once asked me about my defination of security, I couldn't come up with a proper defination as I couldn't find one way a man can make me feel secured.

Till yesterday, when the lioness managed to take a nap and let the little kitten face the world alone, only then I found a defination that might be proper for security, security is to find someone you know for sure that everything is going to be alright as far as he is around.

Someone to say, no woman don't cry ... everything is going to be alright.

Thanks God, the lioness is back roaring ...

Thank you for making the wake up call :)

Fairies’ Boxes and Black Tales

Once upon a time, there was a little beautiful girl who suffered from everything in life. She was poor, orphan with a witch step mother. The girl has hidden all her life, trying to survive poverty and adapting to the step mother orders. Till one day a prince showed up, to do all the work and magically saving her days.
That was a typical fairy tale, something that can describe Cinderella, Snow White, Little Red Riding Hood , The Beauty & The Beast or any other tale of the long list fed to little girls.
These fairy tales are mostly characterized by some major aspects. In all these stories the girl is always of rare beauty and people around her are tremendously ugly.
The girl is always miserable, either because of being poor, or because of a horrible step mother, or for any other reason. But misery is a pre-requisite in any fairy tale. And this misery is the source of the girl’s nobility.
The girl will never work to end her misery; the girl is always characterized of being patient and adapting to the surrounding harsh environment.
In all these tales, a fairy will interfere to give the girl the proper chance to meet a prince charming, and if there was no fairy then there will always be a magic well, or a wish to finding someone to love. Some how a prince will show up, and when the prince shows up there will not be any problems. The prince will slay the dragons, kill the dark magic and finally save the girl’s life with a magical kiss. The prince will make a princess of the poor girl, and they will always live happily ever after.
Girls are brought up on these tales, tales that value beauty, imply that misery is noble, induce submission, and promote the idea of prince charming.
A girl awaits her fairy tale; her life is a misery without a prince. Beauty is her only weapon and happily ever after is her only goal.
The girl lives believing that solutions are man made, usually in a form of a kiss.
In real life, there are no fairies. And princes have their own troubles. In real life, kisses are not the solution, but probably are the start of problems. In real life, misery isn’t a state of nobility but overcoming it, is.
Fairy tales explain most of the girlish behavior. It explains the fashion passion. The make up trends, the dancing classes, the weight watch, the nagging, the sad look and the competition. For each girl is doing her best to be the princess who catches the princess eyes.
There is not a fairy tale that describes a princess as smart or wise. There is not a prince who fell for a princess’ mind.
There is not a fairy tale without a misery as there is not a fairy tale without a magical kiss.

If only girls knew that there is no Santa, and that Cinderella filed for divorce.

=====================================================

Once, I was one of those girls. I had the fairy tale theme running in the back ground of my life. I got into most of my relations opting for the happily ever after end. I waited for the magical kiss that infuses life in the princess veins.
But the princes in my tales were never charming, and the fairies were never skillful. And by the end of each tale, I grab the fairy, the memories and the prince, put them all in big black box and throw them away in a deep dark sea.
I remembered my old fairy tales as Brad asked me which one was my prince charming. He wanted to know if I had the ability to choose, which one of them was going to have the happily ever after life with me.
I couldn’t give him an answer; it wasn’t the first time to be asked that question. A friend asked me that very same question before and I couldn’t give him an answer.
But some how his question made me go through the black boxes buried in the dark sea. I started getting each box out to figure out what was missing to make it a fairy tale.
The first box was too stinky that I couldn’t stand the smell. It seems that I have buried the prince alive along with his fairy. I looked at the scattered pieces of memories then I closed my eyes and I drew an end that would have made that tale a fairy tale.
This tale would only be a fairy tale, if that little man gets the chance to re-meet his old girl. It will only be a fairy tale, if he has got the chance to know that the little girl is now a woman. The envy look will complement the happy look I will have on my face.
I buried that stinky box, and got out another. That one didn’t have a buried prince. It had a live fairy with a glittery magic wand. The box had a big vault with secret numbers where I kept a dagger with my blood on and a little pieces of papers of what shouldn’t be remembered. I closed my eyes and made a wish, for the fairy to die and for the prince to vanish.
I moved on to another box, it had “DANGER” engraved on it. It was empty for my surprise. I let the memories go one night but I kept the box to remind me of the man who stepped on my Neverland.
I came across the Brad’s box where I know the woman is buried I asked if she has anything to say, and all what she said was, if it was meant to be a fairy tale he would have finished the kiss dream.

I buried the boxes back in place with all the memories, princes and unattainable happy endings. And if I am to choose a dream, I will never choose any of them. As the man who deserves my tears will never make me cry.

Picture: Galatea Of The Spheres by Salvador Dali

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Se7en Deadly Sins

Greed:	Low
Gluttony:	Medium
Wrath:	Low
Sloth:	Medium
Envy:	Very Low
Lust:	Very Low
Pride:	Medium

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Quote of the Day

First they ignore you, then they laugh at you, then they fight you, then you win. — Mohandas Karamchand Gandhi (1869-1948)

Void

It has been almost a month. I don’t know if it is fasting that’s causing me this status of hollowness or is it boredom has got its way with me.
I just can’t write, don’t want to talk and always in a need for sleep.
I am not feeling down, but I am not feeling normal. I feel something is missing. I feel the need for unknown thing.
I am a void, living in void ….


Picture: Void

Hmmmmmmmmm

I just can't find anything to write, I completely lost the ability to express my ideas in a written format. I just think, think and then think with nothing to write.

:( :( :( :(

Replies - 3

One more time I am back to replies, Mr. Alaa has left me another comment that I won’t publish. I was going to ignore but here I am replying not in a way to defend myself against his accusations but to speak of millions of Egyptian girls who share the same ideology.

Mr. Alaa wrote;

I will focus of your words Miss Shaimaa. If the Muslim man is that GREAT in your mind couldn't you find one to accept you with those beliefs? If your idea about he Muslim man is that GREAT why then all those arguments. Why you dont wanna be the sweet, nice submissive Muslim woman. Why you wanna imitate the American bitches? 3ala2

So, Mr. Alaa

1- Muslim men are supposed to be great, because they belong to a great religion. But unfortunately, those Muslim men are just Muslims by duty. They were born Muslims to Muslim families, and none of them ever thought what’s behind that religion. None of those Muslims thought how Islam changed the ignorant Arabs to be the leaders of the world. I have always said that the real miracle of Islam was turning the Arabs to be a civilized community. They are just Muslims by duty, using Islam and God to validate personal opinions that has nothing to do with Islam.

2- “Couldn’t you find one to accept you with those beliefs”. So, Mr. Alaa I don’t know how did you jump to the conclusion that I can’t find a man to accept my beliefs. Again, you are assuming that I have no men around and that I am a disgusting creature. I am sorry to disappoint you, but I am not what you hope I am. I am a girl of a sound opinion; I am respected by everyone who meets me. And I have a long list of men who admire my ideology. I am sorry again to disappoint you, but unfortunately I am a girl lots of men can’t have. I am the woman men dream about but dare not own. Your sentence should be re-phrased, the sentence should be, why you couldn’t accept any of the non great, average men around you. And the answer will always be, average was never and will never be my type. I am everything a man wants, so I can’t just give everything to anyone.

3- Muslim women are not submissive. Up to my knowledge, Islam was never a supressive religion, unless you belong to the stupid Wahabi’s who think that Islam was the law God put to validate their “bedwain” traditions, Islam is religion that valued the human and as Muslims we only submit to our God. So I will have to disagree again, and I am sorry to disappoint you again as Islam isn’t tailored to meet your sadistic dreams.

4- I am not going to comment on putting me and bitches in one sentence. I could have removed the word but I left it as an evidence on how well mannered you are.

5- This will be my last reply to you, so spare yourself the effort of using the F words and the B words. Please spare yourself the effort of writing a reply on this. And spare yourself the tries to turn me to your kind of a woman. I am sorry to disappoint you again, but sometimes some women are star far. And you can’t make a star fall by calling her bitch, or by using dirty sexual comments. The star will keep shinning leading those who lost the way to the safe shores.

Over and Out


P.S.
Mr. Alaa, If you don’t like the ideology expressed in this blog, please spare yourself the effort of reading, I believe that there are many other blogs of your taste.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

An Important Note:
I believe that all religions are great, and greatness isn't something limitied to Muslims or Islam as a religion. If anything else was implied by my words it wasn't intended. Religion is off context, and I believe that my reply on Mr. Alaa goes for all men sharing his ideology regardless their religious beliefs.

Replies - 2

Brad wrote:

Dear Sweet Child O'Mine,
From the deep dark sea I hail you. I'm spending the last breath I have in frail attempt to join you voice. The voice of the woman I admired. The woman that almost swept me off my strong steady legs. Do you recognise my voice? Do you recognise my words? The words of someone you once labeled a poet. Do you see my reasoning? The reasoning of a man you once looked upon as an Engineer...Now this man is a cliché....speaking of which, French is also something thrown awy in this box. Now my dear sweet child, and from the very top of my lungs, I squeeze out my throat and choke my own voice, sparing you my last breath, telling you faintly from behind the thick walls of the box that I'm but a piece of lead...to be sunk down the vast deep dark ocean...and to be lost forever, like a undoing an evil cast. Like driving a wooden stake through the heart of a Nosferatu, or shooting a werewolf with silver bullets.Let your faith be thy wooden stake, and my your most noble qualities be the silver bullets...for the monstrous creature is now being torn apart. Exploded. Burnt into ashes through the inferno of your honesty.Let me die, dissapear, sunk down deep, as I pray by the light of moonlight silvering the dark sea horizon.Let my ashes rot down the deepest pits of Hedes, as that very box hits the God-forsaken sea bed, and may it stay there, un-noticed by time.


My dear
As always you have left me speechless. The poet has always out shined the little girl.
It has taken my days to think of a reply. And eventually I didn’t find anything to write. I am still speechless, but I decided to share some of my cluttered thoughts.
First, thanks for writing. You know how much I love reading you. I never had enough and I guess I will never have enough.
I guess I am feeling speechless because your words were intended for the woman. Or may be I wanted them to be intended for the woman because only the woman can find some proper words to reply. May be the woman is the one who might find some comfort knowing that the man is just a piece of lead to be drowned in the deep dark sea.
For me the man is the same man, the poet, the voice and the engineer were only some of the faces I loved. The man didn’t lose any of his faces. The man is still the man the only thing that changed is my angle of perspective. I still love the poet, miss the voice and admire the engineer but something has changed. I guess something essential was lost. The woman packed the “like” in her big black box changing my angle of view and filtering the faces I see through the friend screen. So when I love the poet, I love the friend. When I miss the voice, I miss the friend and when I admire the engineer I am admiring the friend. The man didn’t change, and I didn’t change only the medium changed.
I know that these cluttered thoughts seem irrelevant. But it is one of the few times I can’t put my thoughts in words.

Thanks again for giving me the chance to enjoy reading you.

P.S.
You said that my silence is a reply. So add this to silence and tell me what did you get :)

Replies - 1

I had to start comment moderation after some anonymous showered me with some indecent comments. Today the same anonymous left me a comment that I didn’t publish with a link to a reply he left on a comment I posted on a post by Miss Egyptiana.

"he wrote

Don’t you ever give up?"

And his reply on Miss Egyptiana’s Blog was


Fine, Here I am triggered again. Well Miss Shaimaa, or Fantasia or the blogger, you all have the same criteria. Frustrated old maids who passed the desperation phase long ago, felt expiring and now looking for an adaptation to their new reality. The woman usually takes that attitude when she discovers that she is not desired by one single good man. Of course the reaction would be "let us hate men. Let's live independent". Do you think you have any other option? I understand your situation and give you excuse. However, good women in your ages are already mothers and good muslim wives who fear God and proud of their role in life. 3ala2




So, Mr. Alaa
The answer to your question is, no I don’t give up. I never gave up, I never give up and I will never give up. I am a person who stands for her opinion. And I was never ashamed of admitting my mistakes but I never regret them.
I am not a frustrated old maid and none of the decent young women you described are. We are not cans of food to expire and we are not looking for an adaptation to a new reality.
I am a typical Egyptian girl, who might be your sister, your wife, your colleague or the girl next door. I am not desperate by any mean. I have a wonderful life that I am enjoying. I am feeling loved by everyone around me and I am feeling desired by almost every man who comes around. I am desired by good men as well as bad men. And I am not the kind of person who changes her course of life depending on a man’s decision. I don’t hate men and I am not being independent because I can’t depend on a man. I am independent because God created me free. I am independent because I am not the one who follows while I can lead.
I am not a bad woman because I am not a wife. I am not a bad woman because I am not a mother. I am not a bad woman because I have a job. I am not a bad woman because I speak my mind up. I am not a bad woman because I think. I am not a bad woman because I am single. And if any of these make me a bad woman so I will wear the title with pride.
I am proud to be a woman, I am proud to be one of the new little women of Egypt. I am proud to be of the rare breed. I am proud of being confident, independent, thought-full in a hollow community. I am proud of being me.
I don’t think God has anything to do with your opinion. I don’t think God categorize me as a bad woman because I don’t have a husband. I don’t think God categorize me as a bad woman while I worship no one but Him. I don’t think God created women as inferior creatures. I don’t think God created women to serve men.
I believe that you are mixing your personal opinions and personal views with religion to gain the validation you know your logic lack.
As a Muslim I believe that God didn’t order you to go calling people names, or marking someone as bad or good. As a Muslim I know that God didn’t order you to categorize people by the looks, the age, the race or the gender.
So, a little piece of advice Mr. Alaa, You are giving a bad image of the Muslim man. The Muslim man isn’t a man who leaves a woman dirty comments. The Muslim man isn’t closed minded. The Muslim man isn’t the kind of person who attacks people who doesn’t know.

P.S.
I am keeping the old comments. And I will never mind publishing them only to show everyone what did this man of God wrote. And how this man, who dared calling respectable women bad, thinks.

Note to self

From: the woman
Location: the big black box in the deep dark sea
Subject: a little piece of advice

My dearest of all

I know that you are experiencing episodes of self blame. I know that you wonder if regret is the best action for the time being. I know that you have lost your faith in me along with your faith in many things. I know that words like trust and intelligence sounds out of your world. I know that you have run out of defensive tricks. I know that you are tired of the sweet talk, the blame talk, the play talk and all kind of talk. I know you wish to join me in my deep dark sea; I know that you might seek safety behind the thick walls of the big black box.
But my dear, the only safe place is within you. Your first and last line of defense is you. You should lose trust in everyone but you. Have no faith in anything but you.
You have all the right to think of regret but never do. As you have not failed, it was just another way that didn’t work.
I know I have failed you, I know you have trusted my instinct. I know I have misled you by my arrogance. I know I should have been more alerted. I should have warned you that may be the other woman is alive. I should have directed you to investigate other threads, not only the stalker’s. I should have listened to you when you said that he is too smart for us to play with. I should have trusted your judgment, I should have acknowledged his experience the same way you did. I should have let you listen to your friends. I shouldn’t have let my arrogance lead. I should have seen the trick.
Don’t blame yourself for my mistakes. Don’t blame yourself for some silly woman’s instinct failure. Don’t blame yourself for my arrogance. Don’t blame yourself for missing the signs I didn’t give. And don’t blame yourself for your curiosity. You deserve to know. I deserve to know that I have messed up a lot. You deserve to put the pieces of the puzzle together. You deserve to know why he didn’t call when you waited for his call. You deserve to know why he woke you up for breakfast instead of decently planning something ahead. You deserve to know what kept him busy. You deserve an answer for every question you asked. You deserve an answer for every question you will ever ask.

My dear, don’t blame yourself for my mistakes, don’t regret your decisions. Never regret a decision. Everything happens for the best.

Sincerely yours
The woman inside, currently living in the big black box in the deep dark sea.

Picture: Message in a bottle

P.S.

- I am still waiting for the mail ya Samoo7 ...

- I wonder, how did he propose?

- When did I grow old?

Leo Love Traits

People born under the Leo zodiac sign love to live in style and are highly indulgent. The Lions love to be the center of attraction. They love social gatherings and love to mingle with people. However, Leos like to dominate everybody and demand their respect. Their personality is as majestic as that of a lion. Another trait of Leos is that they are very vulnerable and get hurt very easily. Leos love to be pampered silly and can turn to a kitten from a lion. They are very considerate of people who matter to them and will treat them generously.

Leo Love Traits

- Leos tend to be protective of the ones they love.
- A Leo is very supportive and will lend you a shoulder through the ups and downs of your life.
- They can get very possessive of their loved ones and get jealous very easily.
- Leos romance in the fairy tale way. They will swoon their beloved with romantic candle lit dinners and endless bouquets of flowers.
- They love to be pampered in love and are very caring.


Perfect Love Match : Aries, Leo and Sagittarius.

Are You In Love?!!

Your heart beats fast when you think of him/her. You smile at the very mention of his/her name. You yearn to spend every special moment of your life with him/her. Suddenly a question that is worth pondering upon crops up. Are you in love? There is every possible chance that you are. However, go through the information below for how to know you are in love. These are sure shot signs that you are in love. Also, check out our related sections that deal with the issue of being in love, separately for men and women.

-Somehow, every conversation you have with your friends, you seem to keep mentioning his/her name in it.
- You look forward to spending time with him/her and enjoy the most when he/she is around.
- You somehow know it is not infatuation. Love is being selfless, infatuation is being selfish. You are ready to let the person go if that is what he/she wants.
- You want to spend the rest of your life with him/her and are ready to adjust to make both of you happy.
- You love him/her for what he/she is. You wouldn't want to change them for anything in the world.

Now that you have a general idea as to what to look out for, go ahead and don't be afraid to declare your love for your beloved.

How to Know if He Loves You

So, you have been knowing this guy for quite some time now. You love being with him and never feel lonely when he is around. Your face breaks into a smile at the very mention of his name. The first person you think of when you get up in the morning is him. But does he feel the same way about you too? Guys are finicky when it comes to admitting that they like a girl. And more often than not, they end up losing the girl just because it is too late to tell her that he is in love. Just to make it easy for both you and him, we bring you sure shot signs that he loves you. Read on about ways to find if a guy likes you and how to know if he loves you.

- He takes interest in your day-to-day life. He asks how your day was and feels concerned if anything is wrong.
- His behavior suddenly changes when you come around. He suddenly mellows down and becomes a bit quieter while chatting with his friends. Dead give away!
- He remembers almost every small thing that you say. It shows how special you are.
- He calls up just to listen to your voice and gives a silly reason when you ask as to why did he call.
- He insists on meeting up every now and then and admits how much he loves being around you. - He is good with everyone, but with you he goes that extra mile to ensure comfort.
- His body language changes when you are there. He displays affection through subtle hints like stroking your cheek slightly, taking your hand in his palms and being less stiff.
- He looks in your eyes and you feel there is something special about it. He has this shine when he is looking at you.

These are some sure signs that tell a guy really likes you. But do not confront him as soon as you find these signs in him. Give him some time to realize that he loves you. On the other hand, you can show him in your own ways that you like him too. You will know the right time to confide, you just do!

How to Know if She Loves You

It is not an easy job to know whether a woman likes you. Women are by nature, nurturers. It is natural for them to lavish affection and care. So if a woman you like pampers you like a baby, don't take it for granted that she is in love with you. However, if she goes out of her way to make you feel special, then there may be chances that she really likes you. A woman gives strong yet subtle signs that she loves you. Read on further for ways to find if a girl likes you. You will find a definite answer to the question of how to know if she loves you.How to Know if She Loves You
It is not an easy job to know whether a woman likes you. Women are by nature, nurturers. It is natural for them to lavish affection and care. So if a woman you like pampers you like a baby, don't take it for granted that she is in love with you. However, if she goes out of her way to make you feel special, then there may be chances that she really likes you. A woman gives strong yet subtle signs that she loves you. Read on further for ways to find if a girl likes you. You will find a definite answer to the question of how to know if she loves you.


- Whenever you compliment her, her cheeks turn pink. If she blushes when you are around, it means she is smitten by you.
- She shows public display of affection. Women are not always comfortable with showing affection in public. But if she runs her fingers through your locks, or strokes your cheek, take notice.
- The way she looks at you with those dreamy eyes, is a dead give away that she likes you.
- Check out her body language when you sit with her. If she sits with cross legs facing you, it means she is interested in you. Also, if she touches your shoulders or rests her palm on yours, it is a sign that she likes you.
- When going out with you, she takes extra care to look good. She adds sensuality to her whole outfit combined with simplicity and elegance.
- The way she smiles and laughs at your jokes is a sign that she likes you.

By now you should be sure as to what are the signs to watch out for if a girl truly likes you. More than anything else, it is important to respect her emotions than play with them. So if the woman you like is showing these signs, don't be hesitant to go and speak out your mind to her. You may be in for a pleasant surprise

Compatibility in a Relationship

All of us strive for the perfect relationship, often more idealistically than realistically. The latter has been - and still is - the most discussed topic ever. Yet what are the characteristics of THE relationship ever? Is it a universal formula or a check list you take out of your pocket on your second date? Is it a balance between love and good will or rather a masochist tendency paired with the need to settle down? Well, there are various theories, but let us narrow down the scope and examine compatibility in a relationship. A healthy and harmonious relationship between a man and a woman should consist of love and respect. When taking a closer look it is inevitable that there is more to a relationship than love. Compatibility and understanding are crucial for a couple to survive the daily commodities of life. Some couples spend their entire relationship trying to change their spouse into a character they would be happier with, only to discover at the end that people or attitudes do not change. During early socialization in childhood and adolescence we develop certain attitudes and behavioral patterns that are shaped by the environment that surrounds us, such as school, family, social groups one belongs to, and many more. These sets of attitudes and behaviors are deeply enrooted in us and are the basis to our character building. When in the proper age for a mature relationship, we are already stable and enrooted in our characters and personalities. Therefore it is too late to set expectations of change in essential character traits evident in the spouse. Often people tend to believe that once strong love bondage exists nothing else matters. Well in some cases this might be true, yet in general it takes more than that. One must be able to differentiate between attitudes that drive certain behaviors or habits. By definition a habit implies an established custom or behavioral pattern acquired by frequent repetition. Habits, such as leaving the toilet seat up or the tooth paste open in the sink, can be changed bit by bit. Whereas attitude is defined as a complex mental state involving beliefs, feelings, values and dispositions to act in certain ways. When it comes to manifested attitudes that lead behavior into certain directions, such as “women shouldn’t work” or “I hate discussing politics with women”, they never really change. How can we distinguish between attitude and habit? Is it a thin red line only visible to the telescopic eye? No, it’s not at all. Once the basic idea of identifying habits and attitudes is recognized, there should be no problem at all in differentiation. Let’s say you are at your friend’s birthday party with your new partner, whom you are still getting to know better. At the party you two get into a conversation with another couple. During the conversation he constantly makes disturbing noises while drinking or talks with his mouth full or, a not so gross thing; keeps on playing with his ear. All of these are habits he acquired by frequent repetition. Imagine that suddenly you get into talking about work and his job, your job and so on. In midst he comes up with a something close to “yeah it’s ok for a woman to work in feminine jobs like kindergarten teaching, wedding decorations, etc but not as an architect, engineer, software developer or pilot” then another comment such as “women work only so they won’t get bored at home watching TV but it is not important at all for society” and the like. Here the red alert lamp should go on and you should let him elaborate on these rather discriminating statements in order to find out if he is just making silly conversation or if he is actually convinced by his sayings. Most of these statements are based on deeply enrooted attitudes that were indicted by his family, friends, upbringing, media and many other influencing factors. His attitudes are the driving force of his actions. It is rather likely that he would not take working women seriously and might expect his wife not to work. At this stage you should evaluate if his attitudes coincide with yours. If they do then, bingo! If in fact you are a successful mechanical engineer, then he has without doubt screwed up big time! Seriously, signs for lack of compatibility can be detected at all stages of a relationship, the earlier the better. Being aware of these differences it should be easier to evaluate a relationship at any stage more objectively, if this should be possible at all. Long term thinking beyond butterflies in the stomach, should be able to assist you in answering yourself some of these questions:

• Will I be happy in the future with my spouse the way he/she is now?

• Do we have common grounds to found a family?

• Do we have a shared vision regarding our life together?

• Do we want to raise our children the same way? With the same values and beliefs?

• Can I talk to my spouse about anything and everything? (Work, friends, politics, daily routine, etc...)

• Are we able to laugh together?

• Are we both willing to compromise without hurting each others feelings?

• Do we respect each other as individuals?Some of these questions should identify the level of compatibility of a couple.

Of course, there is much more to a relationship than calculus, but being honest to oneself has always been the key to happiness instead of crying over the “Road not taken” (Robert Frost). Many couples, even after years of love and courtship, when faced with reality after marriage and exposure to daily life, they bear the results of their actions, some of them fail to continue and others find compromises in ways not satisfactory to both partners. Why not be preventive rather than reactive? It is always better to see and acknowledge the signs instead of ignoring them as we have only one life to live and that should be in harmony, health and peace of mind.

Episodes of Loneliness - (1) Boredom

I am a moody person, I move in waves. Sometimes I am high, sometimes I am down but I am always bored. i am bored when I am happy, I am bored when I am sad, I am bored when I am enjoying my time, and I am bored when I am bored. I always scream that I am bored without a specific reason to cause that boredom. The vacation was amazing and yet I wanted to come back home to escape my boredom, and when I got back home I found out that I didn’t lose that feeling of boredom. I am even more bored writing these lines right now.
I know the answers for all the questions lay deep inside us so here I am trying to figure out the reason for my endless boredom.
If boredom is a mere reflection for anger so what is causing that anger. What am I angry from? Why I am angry?
Am I angry from myself? Am I angry from my family? Am I angry from my friends? Am I angry from my subsequent lovers? Am I angry from the community? Am I angry from the whole world?
Actually I can’t find a suitable answer; I am a girl who has it all. I have a wonderful family, a bunch of good friends; and the community puts me up the social staircase. So that leaves me with myself. Why am I angry from me?
I am angry because of my successive failures, my persistence to re-try each time I fail, I am angry because I never lose hope. I am angry because something inside me always believes that things will eventually go my way. I am angry because of the circles I move in. I am always starting from square zero and I am always ending there. I am angry because I am static in a moving world.
I am angry because I have to go with different faces, a face for the family, a face for the lovers, a face for the friends, a face for work and a face for fights. I am angry because I don’t know who I am anymore. Am I the girl or the woman? Am I the angel or the devil? Am I am the boss or I am just being bossed all the time?
I am angry because I do the things that I have to do and no one cares about what I want to do. I am angry because the things I want to do are out of reach. I am angry because others have to decide what I am going to have. I am angry because I just can’t keep working while everyone is cheering. I am angry because I can’t keep giving while everyone is happy receiving. I am angry because I really need to see things going my way for a change. I need to go to bed taking something or someone for granted. I am angry because for me life is marked as unsafe zone.
I am just angry and I can’t find a way out of that anger. I am bored of all this anger. I am bored of being myself. I am bored, simply bored.

No Ordinary Love

This song goes to the one who suggested it ...

Voulez vous dancer avec moi :) ?

The Essential Ingredient

I love cooking, but I rarely write about it. Cooking is my sacred corner, the way I use to teach myself how I can always make a difference. It is the safest way to get creative and the easiest way the fake queen earns praise.
While cooking there is always an essential ingredient in each recipe that without it the recipe will fail. And there is always a secret ingredient that will make all the difference.

I was cooking when the idea crossed my mind. Chopping, mixing, seasoning and stirring resemble life in a great way, fate being the cook and we being cooked. Fate chops us, fries us, boils us, and seasons us to somebody’s taste. Fate mixes us and separates us. Fate bakes us with experience, turning some of us to something sweet, and some of us to something sour. We are all nothing but ingredients in a mystery recipe, some of us are essential and others are the keys fate uses to make all the difference while the rest are just replaceable. But none of us know how and when the cook will decide to stir ‘em in.

The fate’s mystery recipe is the master recipe and as we play the role of ingredients we play the role of cooks in smaller recipes of our creations. We are cooking and being cooked all in a harmonious movement.
And as fate tosses us with others we start creating bonds that takes forms of relations.
Relations that come with different flavors, that ranges from the ice cold to the burning hot.
I was cooking and I wondered what is giving the flavor. What is the essential ingredient? What makes friendship, friendship? How come love is love? What draws boundaries? If tomato sauce is only tomato sauce because of tomato, can defining a human relation be as easy?
Let’s assume a man and a woman, a regular man and a regular woman, who happen to meet somewhere.
They get tossed together, cooked under different kinds of heat and the result is always different. What is causing that difference?
Why it is once lust, another love, sometimes friendship? What is the essential ingredient that turned a simple bond into a type of relation?
We are basically friends with our friends due to the physical antipathy; lust on the other hand is unreasonable physical attraction. Love is a friendship with lust.
So, though physical attraction might seem to be a superficial way to define a relationship but it seems to play the key role in the recipe preparation. It is how we use it that creates the difference.
And unlike the other factors that build a relation, physical attraction is the only instant factor. It is either initially found or it will never be there. Then comes the reason, if there is reason so there might be love if not hence a one night stand.
It is like salt for a recipe, it turns tasteless components into a delicious combination. Ad just like salt it should always be consumed with moderation. The more of it is something that you can’t stand for long and you will keep craving more if you used less.

So, if lust is the essential ingredient that differentiates friendship from love, what will be the key ingredient that makes all the difference?
I always say, add a little nutmeg, and the nutmeg of relationships is honesty. so a little more pinch of honesty will always make a difference!!

The Arabic direction

My friends have always asked me, why writing in English? And my answer was always I write in the language of the idea. When I think in English I write in English and when I think in Arabic I write in Arabic. And I tend to think in English whenever I am feeling uncomfortable. I have this unexplained syndrome, whenever I feel pressured I start speaking English, whenever I feel cornered I start thinking English and whenever I feel hurt I start writing English. Arabic on the other hand is the language I deliberately stopped using but whenever I am comfortable it is always my home.
So, as recently I have been experiencing ideas that speak “Egyptian” which is something other than Arabic but resembles it in many ways. I have decided to create a new blog for those Arabic thoughts. It is not a translation of this blog, it is just my Arabic thoughtless thoughts, written mostly in pure “Egyptian”.
I started by posting some of my old writings and I am currently searching for more of these old writings. And soon I will post the new thoughtless thoughts in Arabic.

The blog has the same name, but sure it is the Arabic translation. So if you can read Arabic click here to check it out.

Thanks
Shimaa


Picture by: © Bellamy / Festival d'Avignon