Another Confession

I just wanted to share my little victories with someone who would be as excited as I am.

Not being able to do this. Not having a person who searches for signs of "my dream coming true" and being as happy as I am is killing something in me.

I am not sure whether this is good or bad.

But I have always imagined sharing little victories with someone who cares ...

Another fairy tale dead!

The Cocoon

I spent months on the couch. I tell everyone I am busy, which is true, yet I have been busy all my life and managed to make time to go out and meet people.

I can't remember exactly when it started. But probably it started by avoiding meeting people who ask the "why aren't you married yet" question.
Then I dumped my job and started avoiding people who ask the "why you don't work" question.
Then I was too fat. I didn't realize I was too fat till "Brad" started listing the things he finds "off" in me.
I lost weight yet I never regained the appetite for people. I kept avoiding them.

I have been avoiding meeting a friend who I really like for years because I believe if he met me in flesh and bones he'd be turned off and I'd lose him forever.

Now the cocoon is tightening more. I feel I should avoid communication with people all together. Because the more they see the more they leave.

I lost my charms somewhere down the way.

It is exhausting!

Piles

It is like I am piling up emotions and dragging the piles around.

There is a huge pile called I misd Abdullah.

Another pile labeled defeat.

A pile named after H.

A pile of insecurities.

A pile of uncertainties.

A pile of fear.

And a huge pile of loneliness.

I keep moving around dragging all these feelings.

I have no idea how to deal with them.

A Paradox

So we shouldn't date "The Dildo" in the same sense we should never marry "The sperm donor". But isn't dating "The Dildo" better than masturbation?! 

Side Notes

* I need to know the reason behind my aggression and depression.

* The problem was never that I fail to attract men. I am a male magnet (I believe every woman is) but the problem starts after the initial attraction. They get closer and the moment the relationship gets cozy they run away.
It is either there is something terribly wrong with me for them to stay. Or I terribly scare them away.
Both ways I am terrible hence they run away!

* I was told that if I think I don't have a life, then who does?
Which is a good point. I have a super busy life. I dare to say it was fulfilling at many points.
I am just drained ... I don't know what do to or where to go.

* I don't give in to hugs. I keep saying I need a hug but I have been given random hugs by lots of random people.
I failed to connect. I failed to channel any kind of positive emotions.