September 01, 2018

The people I hate the most

So, there are people in my life who are "supposed" to be "loving" me. They sort of like to advise me on things so that I "lead a better life".

Those people some how find a way to say that I am a waste of potential. They believe that I am wasting whatever resources I have (time, money, knowledge, networks, talent .. etc) and not making full use of them.

I hate those people. I hate them so much. I hate how they turn my peaceful life into a series of miserable thoughts just because they wish to have what I have.

I hate them. I hate everyone who makes me feel I am useless.


Tolerance

There was time when love meant tolerating one another. Somewhere down the road that simple idea was challenged. And now, every time I hit emotional rock bottom it occurs to me that no one would tolerate it. It feels that no one should. Why would anyone tolerate someone who is going through the blues, especially that those "waves" aren't logical. It is just spells of crying, phases of not feeling good, days of struggling.

Why would anyone tolerate this?

You say love .. I thought part of love is tolerating those days. But somewhere down the road this idea was challenged. And in part, I am bluer because I feel no one should tolerate me.

I need to be tolerated. But no one should do.

August 27, 2018

Backup

Here is a confession. Over the past twenty years I developed one of my worst habits.
I started to keep men around as backup for other men. It isn't that I don't like them or anything. And it isn't that I promise them anything series.
I just never tell them that I am currently emotionally unavailable.

Why?

Because I was never really emotionally occupied. It is always complicated. And I sort of can't really live without feeling admired .. etc.

So, I keep some men as backup in case my current emotional dreams fail. My emotional dreams fail often and he who once was a backup turns to be the main object of interest and I don't settle untill I find another backup.

It is like me being a car, and my backup men are my spare tires. I can't move for long without a spare tire. Spare tires are essential for a safe drive, yet spare tires are just spare, i.e. inheriently unreliable for long-term.

Anyway, I can't seem to be ok with this habit these days. It feels kind of "whore-ish" and even worse it kind of sound "man-ish". Yet I am so scared to ask for a long stable relationship. It is scary to ask the main tire whether or not it will be able to act as the main tire. And it heartbreaking to let the spare tires go.

What am I supposed to do if the main tire failed me?

See, man-ish as I said!


August 17, 2018

A prayer at Saint Anna


Last night I watched the movie " A miracle at saint Anna". I loved the prayer scene. Here is the prayer.




God Almighty
The tree of life blossoms beside the shore of still waters.
The face of Christ is shining and it needs no candle, no light, Nor Sun.
There is no suffering in your Kingdom.
And we ask for your forgiveness merciful Father that we have not seen the light before this day.
For your light reigns forever.
It is a shining beacon that lights the path to your heavenly throne.
I may not be the man that you want me to be, O Lord.
I may not be the man that I should have been, O God.

But we are your people.
We ask you, Lord, to walk with us in our pain and our suffering as a nation of your children who glorify your name in victory.
Amen

July 26, 2018

March 19, 2018

The Eternal Question

Do they think of me the same way I think of them?
Do they miss me the way I miss them?
Do they check on me the way I do with them?

Do you still read?


February 09, 2018

Him

There was a moment when I decided to let him go. I was with another man. I never stopped writing him, i never stopped loving him yet I kept moving on from one relationship to the other because I knew we were never going to happen.
So when I felt that keeping him in my life might affect my relationship with that man i decided to cut him off. I didnt really, i couldn't.
All what i could do back then was deleting every "evidence" that i kept contact with him while with the other guy ( not that the other guy would mind, we weren't exclusive). All what i could do back then was writing him about my relationship.
Pages of anger. Pages of blame for not stepping up and doing what the other guy was doing

Then the other guy left. And another guy came and then left and more came and left.

And nothing breaks my heart more than the fact that i thought i can give him up to have a "stable" relationahip.

Nothing breaks my heart like the memory of the things i have done because we are never going to happen.

Nothing breaks my heart like hopelessly loving him.



December 06, 2017

The Anger Trap

With every new man, My anger gets bigger.
With every new disappointment, my anger gets bigger.

I am angry at H. I am angry because things would have been different hadn't he let me go.

I am angry because he conciously choose not to choose me.

I am angry at him. I am angry at me.

October 15, 2017

Tired

I am tired of being depressed. Really tired of all the anger, all the sadness and all the suicidal thoughts.
I am tired of the constant feeling that I should die.

I am tired.

October 08, 2017

That Kid

So, I was seeing a guy. A younger guy. I nickname him the kid. He suddenly acted weird. The weirdest part is that he started acting weird when I felt that I want to get him things.
I never give my men presents. Usually they make up fights to avoid giving me gifts in special occassions. And I sort of have a rule of never giving a man a gift out of the blue.
Anyway, I wanted to give the kid a watch. And I was thinking to give it to him without waiting for an occassion because I thought we wouldn't last till valentine's day or his birthday.
But the kid surprised me. We didnt even last for a couple of days after that thought.

I really don't know what went wrong and why.

He doesn't deserve a post. But I thought of writing about it anyway.

I was going to give him a watch.