June 23, 2019

Another Relationship Rant

My relationships sort of follow a certain pattern. I am not going to complain, yet again, about how I was never genuinely loved. I will assume that I was loved. I have been loved of sort. Yet, all those men who - sort of - loved me ended up choosing someone else over me.
All my men chose another women, who seemed at the time they chose them over me as more vulnerable.

I have been broken hearted repeatedly because a man think that I am strong enough to take it.
I have been dumped because I seemed less in need of a man than another woman.

In the words of one of them, "you will live ya Shimaa, she won't"


December 29, 2018

The 12th year

It has been 12 yrs since I wrote my 1st post on this blog.

I have been through a lot.

And honestly, some days - like today - I just feel I am tired.

I am tired .. 

November 06, 2018

Dear Iz

Hello Iz

I am not sure whether you are still reading me or not but in case you passed by this blog I would like you to know that while trying to make a list of the men I have known in the last 15 years I totally forgot you.
Actually I didn't remember you until I was trying to remember how things ended with another guy and why he never contacted me again.

I totally forgot you happened.

Imagine!


October 07, 2018

Dry Season

I fear the day I run out of men. 
I had dry seasons before, and I remember how it felt. But then it poured again. And it sort of pouring now but I can smell another dry season hitting hard. And I am not sure whether It is gonna be a temporary thing or that will be it.

I think this is why people get married. Because whenever you are married you sort of avoid that type of fear. 

Few months ago I was so scared to settle into a relationship because who would want to eat the same dish for the rest of their lives, and right now I fear of starvation.

I can't survive another dry spell I guess and you know what's worse? I have no man who would want to settle down with me.


September 01, 2018

The people I hate the most

So, there are people in my life who are "supposed" to be "loving" me. They sort of like to advise me on things so that I "lead a better life".

Those people some how find a way to say that I am a waste of potential. They believe that I am wasting whatever resources I have (time, money, knowledge, networks, talent .. etc) and not making full use of them.

I hate those people. I hate them so much. I hate how they turn my peaceful life into a series of miserable thoughts just because they wish to have what I have.

I hate them. I hate everyone who makes me feel I am useless.


Tolerance

There was time when love meant tolerating one another. Somewhere down the road that simple idea was challenged. And now, every time I hit emotional rock bottom it occurs to me that no one would tolerate it. It feels that no one should. Why would anyone tolerate someone who is going through the blues, especially that those "waves" aren't logical. It is just spells of crying, phases of not feeling good, days of struggling.

Why would anyone tolerate this?

You say love .. I thought part of love is tolerating those days. But somewhere down the road this idea was challenged. And in part, I am bluer because I feel no one should tolerate me.

I need to be tolerated. But no one should do.

August 27, 2018

Backup

Here is a confession. Over the past twenty years I developed one of my worst habits.
I started to keep men around as backup for other men. It isn't that I don't like them or anything. And it isn't that I promise them anything series.
I just never tell them that I am currently emotionally unavailable.

Why?

Because I was never really emotionally occupied. It is always complicated. And I sort of can't really live without feeling admired .. etc.

So, I keep some men as backup in case my current emotional dreams fail. My emotional dreams fail often and he who once was a backup turns to be the main object of interest and I don't settle untill I find another backup.

It is like me being a car, and my backup men are my spare tires. I can't move for long without a spare tire. Spare tires are essential for a safe drive, yet spare tires are just spare, i.e. inheriently unreliable for long-term.

Anyway, I can't seem to be ok with this habit these days. It feels kind of "whore-ish" and even worse it kind of sound "man-ish". Yet I am so scared to ask for a long stable relationship. It is scary to ask the main tire whether or not it will be able to act as the main tire. And it heartbreaking to let the spare tires go.

What am I supposed to do if the main tire failed me?

See, man-ish as I said!


August 17, 2018

A prayer at Saint Anna


Last night I watched the movie " A miracle at saint Anna". I loved the prayer scene. Here is the prayer.




God Almighty
The tree of life blossoms beside the shore of still waters.
The face of Christ is shining and it needs no candle, no light, Nor Sun.
There is no suffering in your Kingdom.
And we ask for your forgiveness merciful Father that we have not seen the light before this day.
For your light reigns forever.
It is a shining beacon that lights the path to your heavenly throne.
I may not be the man that you want me to be, O Lord.
I may not be the man that I should have been, O God.

But we are your people.
We ask you, Lord, to walk with us in our pain and our suffering as a nation of your children who glorify your name in victory.
Amen

July 26, 2018

March 19, 2018

The Eternal Question

Do they think of me the same way I think of them?
Do they miss me the way I miss them?
Do they check on me the way I do with them?

Do you still read?