July 28, 2016

Loss -3

I keep replaying the last week before my dady's death. I am trying to figure out whether or not he knew he was going to die.

I keep finding clues and hints. Things that could be interpreted as signs of being ready to leave. Yet I keep finding other hints and clues that he had no idea.

Replaying the incidents of our last week I discovered that my dad had always been ready to leave. He always knew he is going to die and always acted accordingly.

I will never be able to tell for sure whether or not he knew he is approaching his end line.

He knew that death was inevitable. He knew it could happen any time for any reason. He always knew that and he always acted accordingly.

July 25, 2016

Loss - 2

It feels like a dream, not only his death but rather my whole life feels like a dream now. 

July 21, 2016

Loss -1

I have a constant feeling that I am dreaming.
I have a constant feeling that I will wake up to dady calling my name.

The only thing that's annoying me is that there are so many details in this dream.

Only reality is that detailed.

July 01, 2016

That Feeling

I am somewhere between angry and sad. I feel deeply insulted. He insulted me. The whole
"Thing" could have been a nice memory if it weren't for how he decided to end it.

I am not stupid, yet somewhere down the road I learned to never let a man of the hook. When he started having an attitude, I started ignoring it. I wasn't going to give him what he wanted. He wanted me to fight for a definition so he could have an excuse to tell me "you don't deserve a definition you are nothing but a fling".

I wasn't going to fight for a definition, because I didn't want one. I was happy playing along. I am low maintenance. I learned how to not want things even if I deeply need them. 

Anyway, so I didn't give him what he wanted. So, he did it anyway. He said all the things to make it clear that I am nothing but a desperate aging worthless woman. 

And he was smart enough to say it without actually saying it. 

And no, It wasn't in my head. And it isn't "defeat" because I don't feel defeated. I feel disappointed. 

I don't feel disappointed because I think what he said was true. I feel disappointed because he had to say it.

I am sad not only because it ended. I am sad because how it ended. 

It could have been a nice memory, but he made sure he ruined it for both of us.

I am not desperate. I didn't do him out of desperation. I did it out of hope. 

I did it to explore new territories. 

I did it to grow. I need to grow emotionally and he seemed like someone who would open new horizons for growing. But he ended up insulting me. 

I am not desperate. I am smart, I am beautiful, and I am sexy. I don't do things because I am desperate, and I am not nice out of fear. I do things because I like exploring things, and I am nice because I don't like people to hate me. I know they will hate me anyway, so I try not to give them enough excuses. 

I am not desperate. But right now, I am pathetically sad!

And this needed to be said out loud so I could forget and forgive and move on. 

June 27, 2016

Random Messages - 44

You want to know how do I feel?

My plant is dying and instead of trying to save it I  decided to let it go.

It is a 10 yrs old companionship between me and her. I was about to lose it few years ago. But i did everything to save it.
I managed to get it back and it grew tall and bigger. Now it is dying one more time. But I have no energy to save it.

My plant is dying and I have no energy to save it. This is how I feel right now.

June 25, 2016

Random Messages - 43

I miss him.

What do I miss the most?

He made life bearable. He made me less angry. He eased the everyday annoyances.

Life was easier when he was around. And now as he's gone, I am twice as annoyed as used to be.

I am annoyed because I miss him. I am annoyed because I can't scream it away. And I am annoyed because I am always annoyed.

Life is annoying and he used to make it bearable.

June 16, 2016

Pages from a Torn Diary - Betrayal

When "H" broke up with me I was in so much pain. One day I will be able to reflect on why H was that painful. After all, he was nothing but an ordinary man. Just another story. Yet, his story left me sore, too sore it still hurts today.

Anyway, so amid the pain I got a phone call from a friend. I knew that friend had feelings for me. I knew about his feelings not only because I felt it but because he told me more than once about those feelings.

Me and him were never going to happen or work. So I repeatedly told him that we'd better stay friends.

But he had the habit of calling whenever he sensed from the things I wrote that I am not feeling ok. So he called after H. And I was crying, I used to cry all the time after H.

Anyway, he comforted me and listened as a good friend would do. Then he reopened the subject of "us". I replied that I am broken and I will be using him if I said yes. He said, no. One day you will know that I am the one using you and not the oppositte.

I gave him a try.

It was a one time sort of date. He then pulled back. I needed emotional support, and he wasn't ready to give any. He acted just like any of the other men I had in my life. He wanted to be available only when he wanted to be available.

I was really disappointed in what he did but instead of blaming him I downgraded him from the friend status to the someone I used to know status.

He betrayed me.

And this is the point. We go through phases of our lives when we are vulnerable to different types of predators. We build defenses to keep the devils away. Friends are supposed to be one of our lines of defenses. So when he allowed himself to "use" a clear weakness. When he allowed himself to offer things that he has no plans to fulfill just to get me to do something I wouldn't have done if I weren't in that emotional state, he did nothing but betraying me.

We are not supposed to betray people's trust. We are not supposed to exploit our friends' vulnerabilities.

June 15, 2016

Random Messages - 42

I am angry. I am sad. I am confused.
I am not ok. And the worst part is I am not ok for the same reasons I haven't been ok for the last 10 years. The only differnce it just gets heavier.

I feel old and incapable.

I am not ok.

I am angry and more importantly I am sad.

A broken thing just got more broken. Which is sad. And the saddest part of being sad is being unable to say why I am sad.
The saddest part is that no one would have anything better than "you deserve it" to comfort me.

I am angry and sad. I feel old. I feel too old. And life is definetly futile right now.

Life is unbearably absurd.

Random Messages - 41

Always remember that love is nothing but an addiction. 
It is always useful to keep in mind that your heart isn't broken, you are just going through the painful withdrawal period. 

You will be fine. You will sober up. You will feel no pain one day. Just make sure never to come across the addictive substance again.

Love is nothing but addiction.