March 19, 2018

The Eternal Question

Do they think of me the same way I think of them?
Do they miss me the way I miss them?
Do they check on me the way I do with them?

Do you still read?

February 09, 2018


There was a moment when I decided to let him go. I was with another man. I never stopped writing him, i never stopped loving him yet I kept moving on from one relationship to the other because I knew we were never going to happen.
So when I felt that keeping him in my life might affect my relationship with that man i decided to cut him off. I didnt really, i couldn't.
All what i could do back then was deleting every "evidence" that i kept contact with him while with the other guy ( not that the other guy would mind, we weren't exclusive). All what i could do back then was writing him about my relationship.
Pages of anger. Pages of blame for not stepping up and doing what the other guy was doing

Then the other guy left. And another guy came and then left and more came and left.

And nothing breaks my heart more than the fact that i thought i can give him up to have a "stable" relationahip.

Nothing breaks my heart like the memory of the things i have done because we are never going to happen.

Nothing breaks my heart like hopelessly loving him.

December 06, 2017

The Anger Trap

With every new man, My anger gets bigger.
With every new disappointment, my anger gets bigger.

I am angry at H. I am angry because things would have been different hadn't he let me go.

I am angry because he conciously choose not to choose me.

I am angry at him. I am angry at me.

October 15, 2017


I am tired of being depressed. Really tired of all the anger, all the sadness and all the suicidal thoughts.
I am tired of the constant feeling that I should die.

I am tired.

October 08, 2017

That Kid

So, I was seeing a guy. A younger guy. I nickname him the kid. He suddenly acted weird. The weirdest part is that he started acting weird when I felt that I want to get him things.
I never give my men presents. Usually they make up fights to avoid giving me gifts in special occassions. And I sort of have a rule of never giving a man a gift out of the blue.
Anyway, I wanted to give the kid a watch. And I was thinking to give it to him without waiting for an occassion because I thought we wouldn't last till valentine's day or his birthday.
But the kid surprised me. We didnt even last for a couple of days after that thought.

I really don't know what went wrong and why.

He doesn't deserve a post. But I thought of writing about it anyway.

I was going to give him a watch. 

October 07, 2017

Status Update

I Spent most of the last month praying that I'd die. I couldn't deal with pressures of life, I was faced repeatedly with how meaningless this life is and how futile is to trust others regardless how close they are.
I spent good amount of my days crying and my nights plotting plans to kill myself.

I had a rough month that doesn't seem to be clearing soon. I am tired, still partially praying to die. But I postponed the plans to kill myself. I still can't get myself to do it. Apparently I still want to live.

I want to live. But I am fed up with life's plot twists.

September 25, 2017

A Marker

Today I made a sincere prayer, I asked God to end my life if what's waiting for me is what I have seen glimpses off the last week.

I don't want to live life is that's what I am going to go through.

Enough is enough. Amen.

September 06, 2017

The fairness of life

I still believe Daddy's death was unfair. I need my father. He is everything I have. It wasn't fair to lose my mother early in my life. It was neither fair for me nor for my brother, sister and father.
It wasn't fair. But we moved on anyway.
I know people keep saying that one should count his blessings and I know I am blessed. But others too are blessed. They have mothers, fathers, money, good health, husbands and children.
Others too are blessed as much as I am.
And I believe it is unfair that I spent most of my life without a mother and I have to go through the rest of my life without a father.

I don't think that was fair.

I need my father back. 

July 26, 2017

The Little Things

I don't remember exactly how and when I broke free from the "I want to get married" corner. The last thing I remember was H, and how "perfect" he seemed to be. I wanted to marry him. Then he said he isn't the marriage type. I started exploring other forms of relationships. I wanted to be with him. I kept thinking of ways, I tried my best to compromise. But it didn't work. He married someone else. It felt as bad as the sentence sound back then. It took me years to understand his motives. It took me years to feel ok that he is with someone else. But something happened in those years. I turned nihilist. The absurdity of life some how is heavier than what I can take. And I just can't think of committing anymore. I can't do home/ kids.
Sometimes I wonder whether or not those feelings are authentic. Because regardless my feelings towards marriage I still want a stable relationship. I still crave the little details. The morning texts, the random calls, the outings, birthdays, the safe company. I am still wanting a tomorrow with someone without worrying that he will leave. I want to fight without fearing it will end the relationahip.
I want details, lots of details.

I want a future

I need a promise ... 

July 19, 2017


I used to get jealous. I used to feel the heaviness of competition. Then I met him. And I realized that I shouldn't feel threatened by other women. There will always be other women but their presence isn't a threat to me.
I am ok the way I am, I am loved for who I am.
I realized that it is men who compete to get to me and I shouldn't ever worry or feel threatened.

The things is he left, but that didn't change a thing. I am loved for who I am. I am not in competition with someone else.

There will always be other women. But none of them will ever be me.