March 15, 2015
January 17, 2015
I miss writing in English as much as I miss writing about myself.
I feel like I have lost my touch. I am not pouring as much feelings & dark thoughts into writing as I used to do.
Anyway, as I have been single for quiet sometime now. And no one even thought of asking me out on a date in almost a year. Also I noticed that the moment I start flirting with anyone is the moment he makes sure to make it clear that he isn't up for a relationship.
So I thought there must be something totally off about me.
Maybe that I am putting on weight or age or even acne scars! Maybe I am losing my sense of humor. Or even worse I have become too senstive to be dealt with.
Actually, there are plenty of reasons that could scare them away but I think I know the one and only reason that makes me such a turn off.
Do I cling?
I don't think so, yet I might be giving signs that I am up to a serious relationship. And that I might be having expecatations. I might even want to get married. Not to mention the viriginty thing and the no sex without marriage rule.
Well .. if i were a man i would have been turned off. Why would I ask someone who have expectations of a decent healthy relationship out! Why would I get close to a virgin who won't lose her virginity without a ring?!
There is no good reason to take such risks.
They have every right to be scared!
December 13, 2014
November 21, 2014
This needs to be said out loud!
I can't get over Mr. Abdullah's death. I am stuck between denial and anger.
I act like I have accepted it but I don't.
I keep thinking it is just a silly dream and I will eventually wake up. And when I realize that the silly dream is my reality I feel nothing but pure anger.
I never thought I would ever ask him this question ..
"Why did you come into my life? And why did you leave?!"
November 06, 2014
I get attached!
I get attached to people and I get attached to things.
I get attached to potential.
I get attached to hope.
It always end up bad.
I try not to get attached but I am just an orphan kitten looking for a sign of a promise that there will be tomorrow and there won't be pain.
November 04, 2014
I have been having this feeling for a while. I don't feel home while I am home.
I rarely go out. But sometimes when I do I don't feel like I want to go home.
Sometimes I wish time stops and I spend the rest of my life in a single moment.
I wanna go home!
October 18, 2014
I just wanted to share my little victories with someone who would be as excited as I am.
Not being able to do this. Not having a person who searches for signs of "my dream coming true" and being as happy as I am is killing something in me.
I am not sure whether this is good or bad.
But I have always imagined sharing little victories with someone who cares ...
Another fairy tale dead!
October 13, 2014
Then I dumped my job and started avoiding people who ask the "why you don't work" question.
Then I was too fat. I didn't realize I was too fat till "Brad" started listing the things he finds "off" in me.
I lost weight yet I never regained the appetite for people. I kept avoiding them.
October 12, 2014
It is like I am piling up emotions and dragging the piles around.
There is a huge pile called I misd Abdullah.
Another pile labeled defeat.
A pile named after H.
A pile of insecurities.
A pile of uncertainties.
A pile of fear.
And a huge pile of loneliness.
I keep moving around dragging all these feelings.
I have no idea how to deal with them.