December 13, 2014
November 21, 2014
This needs to be said out loud!
I can't get over Mr. Abdullah's death. I am stuck between denial and anger.
I act like I have accepted it but I don't.
I keep thinking it is just a silly dream and I will eventually wake up. And when I realize that the silly dream is my reality I feel nothing but pure anger.
I never thought I would ever ask him this question ..
"Why did you come into my life? And why did you leave?!"
November 06, 2014
I get attached!
I get attached to people and I get attached to things.
I get attached to potential.
I get attached to hope.
It always end up bad.
I try not to get attached but I am just an orphan kitten looking for a sign of a promise that there will be tomorrow and there won't be pain.
November 04, 2014
I have been having this feeling for a while. I don't feel home while I am home.
I rarely go out. But sometimes when I do I don't feel like I want to go home.
Sometimes I wish time stops and I spend the rest of my life in a single moment.
I wanna go home!
October 18, 2014
I just wanted to share my little victories with someone who would be as excited as I am.
Not being able to do this. Not having a person who searches for signs of "my dream coming true" and being as happy as I am is killing something in me.
I am not sure whether this is good or bad.
But I have always imagined sharing little victories with someone who cares ...
Another fairy tale dead!
October 13, 2014
Then I dumped my job and started avoiding people who ask the "why you don't work" question.
Then I was too fat. I didn't realize I was too fat till "Brad" started listing the things he finds "off" in me.
I lost weight yet I never regained the appetite for people. I kept avoiding them.
October 12, 2014
It is like I am piling up emotions and dragging the piles around.
There is a huge pile called I misd Abdullah.
Another pile labeled defeat.
A pile named after H.
A pile of insecurities.
A pile of uncertainties.
A pile of fear.
And a huge pile of loneliness.
I keep moving around dragging all these feelings.
I have no idea how to deal with them.
October 04, 2014
October 03, 2014
* I need to know the reason behind my aggression and depression.
* The problem was never that I fail to attract men. I am a male magnet (I believe every woman is) but the problem starts after the initial attraction. They get closer and the moment the relationship gets cozy they run away.
It is either there is something terribly wrong with me for them to stay. Or I terribly scare them away.
Both ways I am terrible hence they run away!
* I was told that if I think I don't have a life, then who does?
Which is a good point. I have a super busy life. I dare to say it was fulfilling at many points.
I am just drained ... I don't know what do to or where to go.
* I don't give in to hugs. I keep saying I need a hug but I have been given random hugs by lots of random people.
I failed to connect. I failed to channel any kind of positive emotions.