When Daddy died all my men kept their distance. No one showed up. They offered "remote" support. In fact they offer "text" condolences and disappeared.
I waited for them to show up, I needed them to show up. Yet they left me alone.
My friends on the other hand showed up
Each and every one of them. Even those I have lost contact with for ages, and those I barely know. I was showered with love.
While the men I gave all my love to denied me a little in return.
One of them later on told me that he didn't come because he thought i might not be able to act wisely. He feared that i might have cried in his arms or something like that. He feared we/ he would have needed to explain why of all other people I chose his arms to cry in.
I didn't cry in anyone's arms.
And I was showered with love he couldn't afford giving me.
Last night I cried myself to sleep. I wasn't lonely, I stopped feeling lonely. I cried because life was way unbearable. And I couldn't find ways to deal with it.
I had a squence of nightmares, he was there and all my insecurities was there too.
I am alone. It is ok, but sometimes life is way too unbearable.
Though I don't like writing about "him" yet there is something that I have learned being with him.
It is simple, intuitive yet worth writing about, you don't have to stick to a person who makes yoi sad. A good relationship is the one you will always remember positively. A good relationship has its up and downs but on the overall, you will always feel positive about it.
This might need elaboration. Maybe later, but for now always remember, if your memories together aren't happy ones, if you don't long for more of said happiness then you are on the wrong track.
One of the things I learned about me and my relationships' pattern is that I am the problem not men.
They had their share and everything. But it is me who can't settle. I get bored and I start nagging.
I nag for whatever I know I can't get. I nag not because I want it or need it, I nag because I am bored.
Why bored? I Have no idea.
I am starting to see myself in a different light and I am starting to hate myself.
For the 1st time I realize that when H called me "green" he was right. And I was totally stupid to feel fresh being called "green".
Nothing is good about an unripe fruit.
I am tired. And it is a long road to go. I am loving the light but I hate what it made me see.
I am scared. I know I have always been scared but this time I am scared my bad old habits will kill the light. I don't want boredom to kill the light.
Ten years ago I posted my very first hello world on this blog. Back then I was frustrated, and creating a blog was Sameh's suggestion.
Before creating the blog I used to email my thoughts to my friends, the thing that was usually ignored, even one of them asked me to stop doing it because why would anyone be interested in reading such things.
So, I created the blog. I started sharing my thoughts with the void. But apparently the void had ears. I made friends through the blog, and it was my means to land my dream job.
Through the ten years, I moved from being the girl who sends her thoughts in emails that no one cares to read to the girl who writes bi-weekly articles for a newly born online newspaper.
Lots of things changed in those ten years. We, have been through a lot together, you, me and the blog.
Dear readers, dear void with ears, Thank you for listening.