August 21, 2016

Thirty Seven





Seven years ago, on the eve of my birthday and while I was preparing myself to cross into the thirties my grandpa died. I remember that day so good because I had a good day till the point I got the call telling me that he’s gone.

I had plans to celebrate turning thirty, and for an unknown reason or probably just regular excitement I celebrated early.

I spent my birthday crying my late grandpa and replaying the last months that lead to his death. He was ill, he was in and out of hospitals to many times. He was once in the ICU and everyone thought he won’t make it but he did. Then his doctor suggested he should have an operation. According to his doctors his chances of life and death were equal whether he had the operation or not but had the operation succeeded he will be able to live for many years to come.

I saw my grandpa a day before the operation. Something inside me kept telling me that we are saying our last goodbyes. In that day my grandpa was in a relatively good shape, sometimes I wish I voiced the idea that crossed my mind when I saw him and the he shouldn’t be having this operation anyway as long as he seems to be improving.

He died in the eve of my thirtieth birthday. Yet he wasn’t the 1st grandparent to do it. His wife (my maternal grandma died two days ahead of my 16th  birthday). And three years after his death my paternal grandma dies three days ahead of my birthday.


I remember how sad my father was when my grandpa died. I remember that he just went to the hospital though he knew he won’t do anything. He just wanted to be there.  Yet I remember that he brought me a gift and gave it to me. I remember him saying that my grandpa died yet it is my birthday. I remember him giving me the gift and saying: “happy birthday Misho”.


I didn’t know back then that seven years later I will spend my birthday thinking of this exact situation trying to figure out what lesson did my dad intend by giving me this gift in that time.
Did he want me to know that regardless how deeply he is grieving the loss of my grandpa yet he loved me more, or did he want me to know that life should always trump death?

I keep thinking of this very incident as I am passing the 37th line while grieving my own father’s death. My father didn’t die on my birthday; he died a little over a month earlier and a little over a month after his 73rd birthday.

I keep thinking what would my dad do, and what would he want me to do?

I can’t claim that I am starting my 38th year feeling lost, because whatever feeling I am going through since my daddy’s death is more profound than words.


My 37th year was rough, even before daddy passed away. My years start with my birthday and the 37th year started we a huge fight with someone whom I used to consider a close friend. A fight that led to more fights over the course of the year and eventually to the end of the said friendship. Later on my writing dream came to an “expected” hold for reasons I foresaw yet had nothing to do to stop or change. I also got into a sort of relation with Mr. “Don’t count us as a relationship”. “Him” was an eye opener. How I opened up to experiment getting lost into something that I knew better than even attempting to seriously consider. And how doing so opened up space for novel ideas and feelings.

A definitive moment was him asking me about a certain someone, and how his seemly innocent question made me realize that I was never really over that certain someone and my feelings for him had been the same. My feelings for that certain someone remained as fresh and as intense regardless how many years passed since “we” were over and regardless everything I did to get over him. I even still tremble every time I remember how I felt facing that question.

And though it seems that I have enjoyed the discoveries that “no relation” with Mr. “don’t count me as relationship” yet it was rough. I still got many questions unanswered. And he/ it left scratches that will need time to heal and might lead to complications.

But what made my 37th year really rough was the idea that I am going to lose my dad. He had several health issues that kept me on my nerves. Ironically nothing I worried about killed him, what killed him was something no one would see and even worse something that no one could stop.


He died anyway, and now I am starting my 38th year without him.
I have no safety nets. I am officially a grownup.



P.S.

The birthday test never fails. Only those who love you will remember. And only those who love you will make the call regardless how inconvenient the circumstances seems to be.
Only those who love you will show their love because they know that love conquers all.


August 10, 2016

Loss - 5

I keep saying that I will be ok. Actually I am ok most of the time. I am ok because miraculously my memory decided to erase years of my life. I technically find it hard to recall simple information like my birthdate and where I live.

I am ok as long as I don't remember that I ever had a father. The moment I remember that is that moment I am not ok. And by not ok I mean that I feel suicidal. I know I am not going to commit suicide (I am not there yet) but I feel like life is futile. I can't take how absurd it is.

I am not ok. I know it is a process. I know that I will find my way out of it. I just don't know when, or how.




August 01, 2016

Loss - 4


Did I ever take my father for granted?

I don't know. I will never know because he isn't there to answer the question. Actually this is a question that I was never ever going to ask him.

I used to ask him other types of questions. My Dady "was" a knowledgeable person, so even in the age of google I would simply ask him about stuff. Random stuff, I would ask dady 1st then ask google.

I asked him about almost everything in this life.

One of the many things that scares me now is that I will always have to find the answers myself. I will always have to be sure I got the answers right because Dady isn't here anymore to validate me.

Which leads to another "important" conclusion. I think I never needed validation from people because I had Dady's validation. People always saw me as strong and confident, now I strongly believe they saw me this way because I always acted in the light that there is a strong safety net that will catch me if I ever really fall.

Did I ever took my father for granted?

Off course I did! And he was totally happy I did.

I think the father/ child relationship is the only relationship that function on the taking the other party for granted. It is the safety of having someone stuck with you no matter what you do to them.

A safety that no one will ever be able to match.


July 28, 2016

Loss -3

I keep replaying the last week before my dady's death. I am trying to figure out whether or not he knew he was going to die.

I keep finding clues and hints. Things that could be interpreted as signs of being ready to leave. Yet I keep finding other hints and clues that he had no idea.

Replaying the incidents of our last week I discovered that my dad had always been ready to leave. He always knew he is going to die and always acted accordingly.

I will never be able to tell for sure whether or not he knew he is approaching his end line.

He knew that death was inevitable. He knew it could happen any time for any reason. He always knew that and he always acted accordingly.

July 25, 2016

Loss - 2


It feels like a dream, not only his death but rather my whole life feels like a dream now. 


July 21, 2016

Loss -1

I have a constant feeling that I am dreaming.
I have a constant feeling that I will wake up to dady calling my name.

The only thing that's annoying me is that there are so many details in this dream.

Only reality is that detailed.


July 01, 2016

That Feeling


I am somewhere between angry and sad. I feel deeply insulted. He insulted me. The whole
"Thing" could have been a nice memory if it weren't for how he decided to end it.

I am not stupid, yet somewhere down the road I learned to never let a man of the hook. When he started having an attitude, I started ignoring it. I wasn't going to give him what he wanted. He wanted me to fight for a definition so he could have an excuse to tell me "you don't deserve a definition you are nothing but a fling".

I wasn't going to fight for a definition, because I didn't want one. I was happy playing along. I am low maintenance. I learned how to not want things even if I deeply need them. 

Anyway, so I didn't give him what he wanted. So, he did it anyway. He said all the things to make it clear that I am nothing but a desperate aging worthless woman. 

And he was smart enough to say it without actually saying it. 

And no, It wasn't in my head. And it isn't "defeat" because I don't feel defeated. I feel disappointed. 

I don't feel disappointed because I think what he said was true. I feel disappointed because he had to say it.

I am sad not only because it ended. I am sad because how it ended. 

It could have been a nice memory, but he made sure he ruined it for both of us.

I am not desperate. I didn't do him out of desperation. I did it out of hope. 

I did it to explore new territories. 

I did it to grow. I need to grow emotionally and he seemed like someone who would open new horizons for growing. But he ended up insulting me. 

I am not desperate. I am smart, I am beautiful, and I am sexy. I don't do things because I am desperate, and I am not nice out of fear. I do things because I like exploring things, and I am nice because I don't like people to hate me. I know they will hate me anyway, so I try not to give them enough excuses. 

I am not desperate. But right now, I am pathetically sad!

And this needed to be said out loud so I could forget and forgive and move on. 


June 27, 2016

Random Messages - 44

You want to know how do I feel?

My plant is dying and instead of trying to save it I  decided to let it go.

It is a 10 yrs old companionship between me and her. I was about to lose it few years ago. But i did everything to save it.
I managed to get it back and it grew tall and bigger. Now it is dying one more time. But I have no energy to save it.

My plant is dying and I have no energy to save it. This is how I feel right now.

June 25, 2016

Random Messages - 43

I miss him.

What do I miss the most?

He made life bearable. He made me less angry. He eased the everyday annoyances.

Life was easier when he was around. And now as he's gone, I am twice as annoyed as used to be.

I am annoyed because I miss him. I am annoyed because I can't scream it away. And I am annoyed because I am always annoyed.

Life is annoying and he used to make it bearable.




June 16, 2016

Pages from a Torn Diary - Betrayal


When "H" broke up with me I was in so much pain. One day I will be able to reflect on why H was that painful. After all, he was nothing but an ordinary man. Just another story. Yet, his story left me sore, too sore it still hurts today.

Anyway, so amid the pain I got a phone call from a friend. I knew that friend had feelings for me. I knew about his feelings not only because I felt it but because he told me more than once about those feelings.

Me and him were never going to happen or work. So I repeatedly told him that we'd better stay friends.

But he had the habit of calling whenever he sensed from the things I wrote that I am not feeling ok. So he called after H. And I was crying, I used to cry all the time after H.

Anyway, he comforted me and listened as a good friend would do. Then he reopened the subject of "us". I replied that I am broken and I will be using him if I said yes. He said, no. One day you will know that I am the one using you and not the oppositte.

I gave him a try.

It was a one time sort of date. He then pulled back. I needed emotional support, and he wasn't ready to give any. He acted just like any of the other men I had in my life. He wanted to be available only when he wanted to be available.

I was really disappointed in what he did but instead of blaming him I downgraded him from the friend status to the someone I used to know status.

He betrayed me.

And this is the point. We go through phases of our lives when we are vulnerable to different types of predators. We build defenses to keep the devils away. Friends are supposed to be one of our lines of defenses. So when he allowed himself to "use" a clear weakness. When he allowed himself to offer things that he has no plans to fulfill just to get me to do something I wouldn't have done if I weren't in that emotional state, he did nothing but betraying me.

We are not supposed to betray people's trust. We are not supposed to exploit our friends' vulnerabilities.