That Train!

A month ago I went to Assuit to attend my cousin’s wedding. Assuit is a beautiful city in Upper Egypt; it takes almost a 6 hours train trip to get there. The wedding was nice, I didn’t stay long enough to enjoy the city but what I have seen was enough to make me want to get back sometime.

And as all the good things in life, the nice trip to Assuit has to come to an end. When we arrived to the train station we found our train moving. It wasn’t supposed to depart until another 30 minutes, but people started saying that there was an unannounced change in the train schedule. And that was when my uncle, my dad and my brother started running to get aboard the moving train.

My brother jumped into the train, my uncle followed and my decision was “I am not going to jump in”. The train was accelerating; I didn’t find the circumstances suitable. But here came the father who started yelling at me to jump aboard. He actually kept running holding the train as if he would magically stop it while yelling at me to jump.
The image of my father ran over by the train was the only thing that made me take that step. He wasn’t going to jump in without me and he wanted to get into that train by any means. So, I jumped aboard an accelerating train. I took an unnecessary risk because my father wanted me to do.

I did the thing he believed is right, though I still believe that it is wrong. I did the thing he thought is for my benefit just because I was too scared he would kill himself trying to put me on that train.

Ironically after we jumped aboard the train stopped. It was a sort of silly joke.

But the point is my father didn’t want me to miss the train, as if that train is my only ride to paradise. In the time there was going to be no harm to leave me behind. I had enough money, I had my cell-phone and I wasn’t in a strange city. My aunt lives there, actually 15 minutes away from the station and another uncle was staying the night there and was heading back to Cairo next morning. There was no harm leaving me behind and the destination of that train wasn’t paradise.

Yet my dad, yelled at me to jump aboard an accelerating train. He made me take a risk that I wouldn’t take just because he believed my benefit is to be on that train.

I don’t know why this train incident would sum up how “parents” in this part of the world affect their children’s lives. That train represents the opportunity. My decision to pass and my dad’s decision to jump in represent the conflict of interest between the best our parents want for us and the best we believe in. I believe that missing that train would have been an exciting experience. I would have seen new things. I would have had a mini-adventure. The risk wasn’t high and I am not a school girl who won’t know how to get back home. Actually the risk of falling off the moving train was higher than the risks borne to staying the night in a strange city.

My point is, missing an opportunity might be an opportunity. It is not the end of the world. And no one should know what’s best for you but yourself. No one has the right to corner anyone into doing anything because they believe it is the right thing to be done. There is nothing “right” in this world. And if there is anything that has to be right, it will always be the things your parents taught you while not influenced by adrenaline!

Later, he admitted it was wrong to push me to jump aboard that train. It just seems that he was the one who couldn’t take the risk of leaving me behind. But this is the point. He spent all his life preparing me for the moment he will leave me behind. He spent all his life teaching me the risks of trying to catch a departing train. He was the one who taught me to see the opportunity in missing the train. He brought me up on appreciating what I have in hand. But in a glance, he lost faith in me.

A thing that makes me wonder if that faith was ever there. Or if love would make us unintentionally hurt our loved ones.

Or do we intentionally hurt them to push them to do what we believe is right?!

A lesson in Flirting

Assume you are a bitter single. You have been in a long abusing relation that ended magically but you are still suffering from the consequences. Assume you are sitting alone in your regular place sipping your own misery with your drink. Assume that you were too traumatized to even look around for potential candidates. Then out of the blue someone came smiling.

What if this someone took the step and came to where you were silently sat for maybe years. What if this someone started saying the things you have wanted to hear? What if this someone started doing the unexpected “expected”. Praising what you know he would be praising, promising things without really promising and finally concluded the grand gesture with offering to buy you a drink.

Would you turn this offer down?

That was exactly what president Obama did in his speech addressing the Muslim world. He gave a lesson on how to flirt without selling yourself short.
The speech came with the Obama guarantee. It was as enjoyable as any of his speeches. It came as everyone secretly expected. Because no one wanted to place high hopes on an American president.

It was tricky advancing the highly diversified Muslim world. But the speech actually had something for everyone. It was promising yet disappointing. It promised everyone what he secretly wished for but without granting this wish.
It was a very well balanced speech that addressed the major areas of conflict. It was a very smart speech because it focused on the commonalities. It was very wise because it asserted that it is not a commitment it is just to show good will.

The speech is a grand gesture that means a lot regardless the vague promises. (Personally I don’t see them as vague. He just promised the things he can do but promised to try with the things he can try. He also stated it is a cooperation not a one sided relation)
It was a grand gesture choosing “Cairo”. It was really a smart choice. It is one of the oldest Islamic Capitals. It played one of the biggest roles in the Islamic history especially in critical times. Actually few Islamic Capitals could compete with Cairo in that field. Medina the prophet’s capital comes first in importance but unfortunately non-Muslims aren’t allowed in (though there is no religious reason to do). Next come Baghdad & Damascus. Both were the capitals of the great Islamic Empire. But because of the wisdom of Mr. W, Baghdad is temporarily out of service and addressing anything from Damascus isn’t an option. Istanbul would have made a perfect choice too but unfortunately Ataturk decided to take it out of competition. Plus Cairo has Al Azhar with everything that it represents.
Cairo was grand gesture not only for the historical value but also to imply the importance of Egypt in the region. Again, the US-Islam problem is mainly Arabic. And to tackle an Arabic problem there is no better place than Egypt.


So, why make history? Some said that the economical crisis has pushed him towards the Arab money. But in my humble believe if he was after the Arab money he would have given the speech in Riyadah, Kuwait, or even Doha. If he was after the money he would have gone to it. But he came to where there is no money. He came to where politics is made. Which will leave the question unanswered, why approaching the Muslim world?
Simply he is doing it for the same reasons Bush started his crusade.

Before the visit, Mohaly posted a video that I personally found offensive. In that video someone was warning the west from the Islamic danger. According to the video in few years the majority of the world will be Muslims. And this according to the video is catastrophic.

I found the video offensive because I live in a world with a majority of Christians yet I don’t feel compromised. I found the video offensive because I couldn’t see how terrorism means Islam in the time others excelled at it. The Muslim victims of Islamic terrorism are more than victims from other religions. Through history we will find that the number of non-Muslim terrorist out numbers the number of Muslim ones. So, why Islam is viewed a religion of terror?!


The answer is simple. A majority of Muslims means a change in how things are being done in the world. Not only because majority will elect people who will impose laws representing their interests. Because even if the majority didn’t change the law, the change in the personal choice of persons will change how a community function.
So, imagine Amsterdam, for example, in few years with no beer, no red street and no pot smoking in the streets! Some will think this will be a better Amsterdam and some are convinced that this is a loss of culture.

So, it is a cultural fight! It is what we may call the Islamic conservatism that scares the world. But is it really only culture?! Europe has gone through a massive cultural change to become the Europe we know now. They became the Europe they are now when they managed to lock God back in the Church. They locked the God the Catholic Church represented. They locked the limitations on innovations in the name of God. They locked the forces that tried to keep Europe in the dark along with God in the church.

So, the idea of getting God back out of the safe locked place should sound scary. And fighting change is instinct. And as Arabs and Muslims all over the world are fighting the change happening in their cultures, it is the west’s right to defend its cultural heritage. They have the right to defend the openness that will be compromised if Islamic conservatism was introduced. This very same conservatism worries many Muslims about the ability of the Islamic world to follow the world progress.

Through history there is only one lesson people keep forgetting. A war with a different cultural doesn’t preserve yours. In many cases wars were the way cultural change was introduced. So the previous American administration wasn’t really that wise putting the USA in war with Islam.

That war gave Islam an unintended exposure, the exposure that increased the risk of the cultural change the west dreaded.
So, if Islam is really inevitable. There should be a way to soften the change, hence the speech.


Now back to where we started, the nice someone making a grand gesture at us has his own issues too. We are sitting sipping our misery. And then we have this chance for a drink and a nice company. Nothing promised. Commitment is far beyond imagination. But there is potential if both parties worked hard enough. Would you smile back and accept the drink or would you just keep slowly sipping the bitterness of the past?!

Personally, I will go for the drink. As long as I am not selling myself short or putting high hopes. As long as I know that if a relation is to come it is a two parties’ work. I guess the drink will be perfect.


Mr. President, thanks for the lesson.

P.S.
For everyone who said that these are just words and we want action isn’t it a bit early for action? and even if these were just words at least he showed respect and this is rare. I know Egyptians who won’t even say they are pleased to be in Cairo. The guy said he was honored. He could have used many other words to describe happiness but he was honored to be in the city disrespected by its own inhabitants.
The guy showed understanding for Islam that some Muslims don’t show. He didn’t only address the Muslims he actually addressed people around the world. People around the world know now that Islam has another side. People around the world now know that Muslims has the right to practice their religion and Islamic prayer isn’t a ritual done before bombing a plane.
Which part of this speech can’t eradicate decades of conflict didn’t you get?!

Internet Rule #1 – A Reminder

It seems that some of us keep forgetting the internet rules of thumb. And no it is not the “don’t give your real contacts to anyone online”. It is the rule about never receiving a file that you don’t know its sender. And never receive an executable even from your best-est friends. It is the rule of never enter your email password on any site other than your email provider site.

It is the rule of staying safe and secure online.

You don’t give your password(s) to anyone and you don’t enter this password(s) anywhere. You don’t give anyone your credit card number (or your bank details if that matters)online and always use a secured and verified way to your online payments. And it is strongly recommended to dedicate only one card for the online purchases with a very low credit limit. (You are not buying diamonds online!)
And if anyone is wondering why I am posting such a reminder now, it is because I keep receiving emails that scream “someone has been owned” like this one

“Dear friend：
i would like to introduce a good company who trades mainly in electornic products.Now the company is under sales promotion,all the products are sold nearly at its cost.They provide the best service to customers,they provide you with original products of good quality,and what is more,the price is a surprising happiness to you!It is realy a good chance for shopping.just grasp the opportunity,Now or never!
The web address: (www.) bolocn.com”


How would anyone know that such emails are fake, ( forget about the spelling mistakes because most of us won’t even notice but if this is a real promotional ad, the company would have at least used a word processor and revised the spelling mistakes!)

First the subject is vague, “Dear Friend, A business Opportunity … etc”. None of your friends will use such a subject line. But assume that they might do. And assume that you like the content of the mail and you are so tempted to follow that link. Please, please, please. I beg you to ask google 1st about that site. It is simple and idiot proof, you copy the link and paste it to google and press search. You might be amazed by the results. In the previous example, the search result should have returned a company’s home page but it actually returned nothing but people screaming that their accounts have been stolen and that the owners of this site have emptied many bank accounts.


Please, stay safe. The internet is just like a street; will you ever give someone in the street your bank details?!

Here's to the Future

We spend our whole lives worrying about the future, planning for the future, trying to predict the future, as if figuring it out will cushion the blow. But the future is always changing. The future is the home of our deepest fears and wildest hopes. But one thing is certain when it finally reveals itself. The future is never the way we imagined it.

The list of Eights

I was tagged by gjoe and jessy. Actually it took me too long to think. But it is really fun to know that I don't have as many wishes and I am not looking forward as many things ;)

8 Things I’m looking forward to:
1. Visiting my sister/ My sister’s vacation
2. My family and friends coming back on vacation
3. Sheri’s Wedding
4. Having some “me time”
5. The day I start over
6. None
7. None
8. None

8 Things I did yesterday:
1. Woke up
2. Texted Sameh (repeated all day)
3. Emailed sister (repeated all day)
4. Checked email/ FB/ google reader
5. Phone calls
6. House chores (cooking, laundry and unpacked)
7. Read a book.
8. Visited my Grandpa and Grandma

8 Things I Wish I could do: (ranked by the degree of feasibleness)
1. Drive
2. Have my own business
3. Travel the world
4. Meet S (yeah, you! I think it is that impossible! *broken heart*)
5. Cut off HH, peacefully!
6. Read minds
7. None
8. None


8 Shows I Watch
1. Grey’s Anatomy (This show deserves a whole post)
2. Fatafeat
3. None
4. None
5. None
6. None
7. None
8. None

8 Things I Love:
1. The smell of rain
2. Long walks
3. Warm talks
4. Good food
5. Reading
6. Silence
7. Cooking
8. None

I tag Haz, Om Hagar, ibhog, kochia and Inso

A Short Break

I am going back to the sacred valley, a journey that I am really longing to.

And till I see you again enjoy this song

On Blogging

When I started blogging, I started with no aim but finding a space to rant and a way to detoxify.

I was writing the things that bothered me, and when emailing friends failed to cure the wounds. Blogging seemed to help. Blogging became even handier when my first and last forum experience failed. Writing in a forum for the first time I was really amazed by discovering the advantage writing give me in a debate. When I write I have enough time to think and organize my thoughts. The thoughts that provoked a lot of people, and as a result I decided that it’s better to be the one and only who put the rules and the one and only to follow them. As one of the forum administrators, who is an old collage colleague, thought that only what he thinks is right is right. And that the rules are his to interpret.

I still used the blog mainly to vent that’s why most of the posts are too personal and too depressing. The blog became my new best friend. The safe place I think of whenever I face something that I can’t directly deal with.
But between complaining about my family and dreaming about Brad I blogged about other aspects of life. I found that blogging gives me a way to say what I think of things out loud not only to detoxify.

Then maybe when the thrill of novelty subsided Brad asked me why don’t I blog. And when I said I don’t really find something to blog about he kept talking about a book he read and inspired him a lot. I found his talk inspiring but it didn’t really make me want to write. And when I didn’t write he started saying things about how this blog has nothing to say and it is all about me. And that I should start writing something of value.

Actually what he said got to me, I won’t deny that. He made this comment short after he related my value in life with this blog, something a friend will also do later, so if this blog has no value that meant he was telling me in the face you are of no value.

I kept on, value or no value I still needed that place to vent. I still needed people to tell me I am not alone. I still wanted to share the things no one knows about me. And then came a point when I thought I have shared too much. I discovered that this blog is the living evidence of most of the events of my life. I felt naked on national TV.! The bad naked, not the good sexy naked. I felt that people are pointing at the ugliness I shared. I felt ashamed. I kept blogging to minimum but I have always came back when there was no place else to go.

The feeling of invaluableness and shame was the main reason I lost the ability to write. Every time I think something is interesting enough to be shared here, I get held back by the feeling that this isn’t good enough.
I just keep coming back. It feels good to scream and ask for help here. It just feels safe.

It feels safe to take off the guards and tell the whole world that I have dreams, I want to live, and I need to be granted new chances.
It feels safe to admit mistakes, and analyze them. It feels safe to come crying over the spilled milk and it feels safe to admit that I am genuinely thought-less. I am stupid and I do the same mistakes over and over.
It feels safe to say that I know that whatever I have gone through is little compared to what others are going through. It is safe to say that this little has taken most of me. It feels safe to admit that I have a dark secret life that this blog only reflects some of its incidents.

It just feels safe. Thanks to you.

Inspired by the Facebook Quiz Mania :)

Shimaa Gamal took the free ColorQuiz.com personality test! ""Wishes to live in a calm, peaceful, relaxing envi..." Click here to read the rest of the results.

Shimaa Gamal's Existing Situation

Needs excitement and constant stimulation. Willingly participates in activities that are thrilling and offer adventure.

Shimaa Gamal's Stress Sources

"His stubbornness and will-power has become weakened due to current difficulties. Feels overworked and emotionally drain; as if all her work is for nothing and she is getting nowhere. The situation is very real to her and she wants to escape, but has no idea how to do so or how to even approach the situation rationally."

Shimaa Gamal's Restrained Characteristics

"Demanding and picky in her relationships, but careful not to bring out conflict or disagreements and this may decrease her chances of achieving her goals and ideas."

Is bothered when her needs and desires are misunderstood and she feels there is no one to turn to or rely on. her self-centered attitude can cause her to be easily offended.

"Willing to become emotionally involved, but is demanding and picky when choosing a partner. Is careful not to bring out conflict or disagreements as this may decrease her chances of achieving her goals and ideas."

Current events have her feeling forced to make bargains and put aside her own desires for now. she is able to find satisfaction and happiness through sexual activity.

Current events have her feeling forced to make bargains and put aside her own desires for now. she is able to find satisfaction and happiness through sexual activity.

Shimaa Gamal's Desired Objective

"Wishes to live in a calm, peaceful, relaxing environment, where everyone gets along and there is a strong sense of belonging."

Shimaa Gamal's Actual Problem

"Tension and stress is brought on by trying to cope with conditions which are out of her control, using up all her strength and leaving her feeling inadequate. she wishes to escape into a more peaceful and problem-free environment, in which she will no longer have to assert herself or deal with so much pressure."

To Relieve Some ANGER

You know what hurt, that this is really now my only window to talk. It hurt because it seems that the only way I can let go off feelings is to write them down and publish them on a public blog on a hope that someone will read and understand.
It hurt to be trapped in self pity over a silly thing. It hurt to cry none stop and try to hide your face from your family because if they saw you crying they will just scream at you for being silly.

Actually what hurt is to feel hurt while knowing you are silly and still can’t help it.
It hurt to feel like a freak and still can’t find that kind hearted person who would see the good heart of the beast.
It hurt when people show understanding in the time they don’t really understand. And it hurt when you are a talkative person who can’t form a meaningful phrase to tell what you have in mind.
It hurt when you blame yourself for being hurt. It hurt that you are hurt in the time you shouldn’t.


Why can’t anyone get the simple idea that I know I am 30 yrs old. I know that I don’t have enough social exposure to get to know a person and get married.
I know that everyone else has a life. I know that if I made it to 50 yrs old I will be known as the old lady with the plants, unless I got cats, and I know that I might end up making front pages because of my tragic kill on the hand of a robber who knew that I am a lonely, vulnerable old lady.

I know that I will get sick and won’t find someone to fetch me medicine. I know my nights will be colder and my days will be longer.

I know that I am a waste to the economy because I don’t contribute to GDP by cooking for my family.

I know all these and I know more. I know I am a mess. And I don’t need to be reminded how much of a mess I am.

I know I am a mess, and I am so thankful for all the advices. I really appreciate the care. I am really grateful that God didn’t deal me bad cards. I am grateful I can afford unemployment and identity crisis. I am sincerely thankful for my blessings, the ones I can count and the ones I can’t.

So, I am thankful for being the mess I am. Whatever happens tomorrow is still unknown and I am the really optimistic person who wrote that darkness is light!

I am sick of feeling guilty for disappointing the many people who had hopes on me. I am sick of feeling that I am not showing enough appreciation. Because this is the best I can do. I am sick that I am not wise but that’s me.

Why it is so hard to understand that those advices and that sweet talking about how I am ruining my future really hurt? Why it is so hard to understand that I am done trying hard and I want to be taken the way I am?

Why it is so hard to understand the things I can’t say?

It is not a Depression

I don’t want to work
I don’t want to get married
I don’t want to go out with my friends
I don’t want to go shopping
I don’t want to get out of bed
I don’t want to talk

I don’t want to die


But I can’t remember when I decided I don’t want to live.

Every Morning I wake up on a hope that this day will be the day time freezes. And every night I pray it won’t be my last.

If only I remember when did I decide not to live!