June 20, 2017

Devastated

Sometimes I think that if it weren't for my persistence I wouldn't have had any relationship with any of the ex's.
I know it is good to think that they have chosen to keep me around because they valued me regardless the end of relationship. But the truth is, I worked to keep them. I walked the whole way to keep them.
The thruth is none of them "returned". I am the one who haunted them to get them back.

The truth is, this realization is so devastating.


June 13, 2017

One fine Monday

I have a sort of obsessive compulsive thing. Some thoughts -negative thoughts-  take over my mind. I just can't help it. And it takes me lots of work to keep it checked. It drains me.
I try not to tell those thoughts to anyone for many reasons. I try not to act upon those thoughts ( i usually fail).
Anyway, those obssessive compulsive thoughts put me under lots of stress. The stress of the thoughts itself and the stress of trying to keep it to myself.
That Monday was seemingly just another day. On the surface I was a totally "normal" person. But I wasn't. That Monday marked the end of a week of an obsessive thinking. I was finally relived of the burden of both the thought and trying to keeping it at bay.
That Monday I had plans that got canceled. And an unplanned meeting with a person that I didn't really want to meet.
That Monday I was tired, I was out of form emotionally, mentally and physically.
That Monday I spilled parts of how stressful my week was because of the thought. He made a joke about it that I took seriously.

That Monday was how it ended.

I had a thought that I couldn't calm, I secretly acted upon the thought for a week. When I finally realized how pathetic I was, I started talking about it.
I didn't realize then that my obsessive thinking isn't really as funny as i think it is.

Actually it isn't funny. It is stressing and draining. I make fun of it because I make fun of everything in life.

I have obsessive compulsive thinking. And sometimes (oftenly) it drasticly affect my life. 

May 20, 2017

Guilt

He keeps listing my blessings. He said that I shouldn't be that sad. I have no "obligations" in life except to the things I choose.
I have no father, no mother, no children and no husband. I have the freedom every one longs to.
He also mentioned how lucky I was in my choices. He reminded me how easy my life is compared to everyone I know.

He reminded me of things I know.

He reminded me that my life isn't missing a thing, not even him.

I am free, lucky and my life is easy.

I feel guilty when I pity myself over trivial things

May 19, 2017

Out of Character

Seven months ago I got strange phone call from someone I never comfortable around.
The phone call seemed "benign", it was full of the regular "I want the best for you" nonsense.
But I got one feeling that day. The phone call was to let me know something. A piece of info that would have pissed me off.
Actually I got pissed off, but for the 1st time in my whole life I didn't act upon it.
I totally ignored the leaked info.
Lots of things happened since then, most of it wasn't going to happen had I acted how I usually acted.

Right now I am not sure whether or not I have done the right thing. All I know is that I have acted out of character.
I have been acting out of character. And I don't know whether it is a good thing or a bad thing

May 15, 2017

Another ode to "H"

There is a good reason I love "H". I love how he is the only person who could help me snap out of a thought. He doesn't do it instantly, on the contrary. All what he ever does is offering me a different logic. He never pushes, he never even attempt convincing me. He just states what's obvious to him and let my obsessive compulsive thinking do the rest.
One of the things he casually mentioned was the fact that I have been stressing about being old in the time I am not. He said that given the average ages now I am expected to live more years than what I already lived.
Didn't I know such a fact? Off course I did.
I know that people live to their 80s these days, and with advances in medical care they will live not only longer but also with a good quality of life.
So, why so obssessed with age?
It wasn't until he stated the obvious when I started digging deeper on why I am having these tboughts and when did they start.
I discovered that it all started with the egyptian political turmoil in 2011. I started feeling unsafe, and everything led to another. I tried inventing new safety nets, those safety nets started failing and I started a loop of panic.

This panic ended just by a random line stating the obvious.

So .. to H ♥️♥️♥️

May 14, 2017

Unbearable lightness of being

I am not feeling ok. I feel stretched thin. I could list why I am feeling so. But I don't have the energy to do.
I don't want to tell anyone I know about how I feel, because I have no energy to handle the cliches or the indifference.

I am not feeling good. Life is too futile to live. There was times when I wished I could just sleep for few years then get back to living. These days I just want to go to sleep and never wake up again.

Why do we live?

Why are we here?

It is totally futile. 

May 02, 2017

It is ok

There is a point in life when you realize that certain things aren't going to happen regardless how hard you want it, how hard you work for it, and how hard you pray for it.

There is a point in life when you realize that certain things aren't meant to be.

There is a point in life when you realize that some things you want aren't going to happen and it is ok if they never happened.

Certain things aren't meant to be, and it is ok.

April 24, 2017

That New Approach

One day I went out with my daddy but I got back home without him. Ever since that day my life haven't been the same.
I am not the same person anymore. One of the things that changed about me is how I deal with drama. Before the day I got back home without my father I used to engage whole heartedly in different types of dramas. Boy drama, friends drama, family drama, anything you could think of. I just dealt dramaticly with every aspect of my life. No, I can't deal with drama. I don't even cry over random things as I used to do. I cry only because I miss my dad.
Another thing that changed "dramaticly" about me is how I do things. Before my dad's death I used to refuse doing things. Now, I just do them. I am on auto-pilot mode. And though this seems good, but it is not really. For instance I am having troubles at work because of the fact that I wasn't created to do that job. Yet, I am just doing it. The mistakes I do put me under pressure, I hate myself for doing such mistakes and I hate how others use them against me, yet I am doing it on a hope that practice makes perfect.
How I am dealing with pressure is another thing that changed about me. I look at pressures, take a deep breath and just move on. It is ok to live with stress, and saddness won't kill me as I thought it might.

The last thing that changed about me is thinking about death. Before dad, I have always wanted to live. I have always thought that there are things I am missing in life, now I don't.
I don't really care about living anymore. I think it is ok if i died. There is nothing I am missing out on this life.


March 26, 2017

Today's Confession

He makes my heart melts. In ways that I never thought possible.

He makes my heart melts. He soothes my soul.