April 22, 2014


This needs to be said out loud!

I think I should give up the whole writing thing.

I am making a fool of myself.

I am just a pathetic girl who is way too coward to face the world so she writes her worries down.

This shouldn't be called writing.

It is a pathetic act from a pathetic person.

I am mediocrity in flesh and bones.

April 01, 2014

A Bluff

So he blamed me for blogging about him and when I told him I could stop doing it if he wants he replies that he doesn't care ...

So maybe he doesn't care if I mentioned his full name and maybe his phone number too!

Just bluffing!

And here is the point.

I am so predictable!

I will get angry, threat something really crazy that will make you regret even knowing me in the 1st place but I will actually do nothing.

The rule is, if I am really going to do anything. I won't be talking about it.

This is an old lesson that I have learned reading Adham Sabry.

You don't talk, you act then talk to the corpse!

As long as I am talking then I will do no harm.

I do no harm!


I am angry and brokenhearted!

I vent to the void!

This is what keeps me going!

March 25, 2014


Social media changed the face of the world!

I know this is an overly used cliché but I can’t help but using it. It changed how we interact with people and how we view ourselves. It sort of inflated our egos, and unleashed denser versions of us.

Social media allows you to show off your trophies, hide your vulnerabilities, sympathize (or pretend to do) and most importantly judge others, through judging their work/ creations/ thoughts, by easily “rating” them.

GoodReads is what I call the facebook of readers. Before being introduced to it I had troubles remembering which books I read, and which I should have on my to-read list. I had a very annoying habit of buying multiple issues of the very same book. Which I believe is expected because duh! I liked it once; I’d like it every time I see it!

Goodreads came to the rescue. Not only I could organize the books I read and plan for future readings but also I can show them off, make friends based on showing off what I read, recommend what I think might interest my new friends and finally get a sense of accomplishment by rating and reviewing the books I read.

And that “rating and reviewing” option seemed to be unleashing the “critique" in me.

The rating button is so tempting. I would rate a book the moment I finish it. I would carelessly write what could be safely called my 1st impressions of a book and call them “reviews”.

The sense of accomplishment achieved by rating and reviewing books could be blamed for the fact that I forgot that ideas need time to settle down. I forgot that we don’t only read to get the ideas intended by the author but we also read to get the ideas inside us stirred.

And this sort of a long, yet I believe necessary, introduction for an “Erotica” review!

It was Valentine’s Day and people were all about love. An article somewhere suggested a list of “love themed readings”.  The story of O, the subject of this review, was included with a brief description comparing it to the infamous 50 shades of grey.

I only read the 1st of the 3 parts 50 shades of grey saga. I found it deliciously shallow. A simple “impossible romance made possible” with a hint of sex. 50 shades of grey promises “BDSM” as a theme yet it didn't really deliver it, there was nothing kinky about it. It was played on the borders between “Vanilla” and the not so “Vanilla” sex.

Looking for a similar experience, I picked O. Yet O was disturbing! A deeply disturbing story!

I was looking for a light story about love, and O didn't deliver love. I expected few spanks and bossy sex yet O wasn't about sex. Instead I was introduced to seriously dark sides of human nature.

Flogging, prostituting, piercing and branding. These are not acts of love or lust.

Rating and “reviewing” O was a piece of cake. It is a bad book; don’t attempt reading it unless you are into seriously disturbing sexual fantasies.

But then … I let the book sink in!

The book was written in the 1950s by a woman who used an alias. It was “revolutionary” at the time it was published. Rating it more than half a century later is sort of unfair. Because in part, when you rate a book, you rate the novelty of the idea, and the bravery of the author.

Books discussing BDSM these days are neither new nor brave! But regardless the bravery and novelty the book is still disturbing!

How could a young successful woman consensually submit to her lover who in turn gives her away to someone else!

That someone would put on chains with his name on her genitals and brand her like cattle then offer her to groups of his friends like an object. Later, in the suppressed ending of the story, he dumps her!

And it was those very disturbing actions sinking in what made me review my “review” of O.
Because maybe after all the story is about really love.

The key word was “Informed consent”.

Nothing was inflicted upon O by force to which she had not already consented.
She didn’t attempt to break free from her “bonds”. She wore them proudly as they were the sign of belonging to her lover.Nothing was keeping her “enslaved” except her love and her self-enslavement.

She submitted as an act of love.

She submitted in order to keep her lover.

She simply gave away parts of herself to please the person she loves. And as desperate as this sounds but this is something that everyone does on daily basis!
We shove bits and pieces of who we are to please/ be with the people we love. We call it sacrifice.

Again it is all about “Informed consent”.

We fall in love and we agree ahead to the things that will be “inflicted” upon us as a result to this love without knowing what they will be.

We simply play along. And we choose not to escape. Nothing keeps as bounded to whatever is inflicted on us except our “Love”.

And just like O, maybe we will end up dumped or dead after going through all forms of pain.

I am not sure whether or not the author intended her erotica to hold a deeper message about love or life. All what I know is that she wrote it to the man she loved as a part of a dare that women can’t write erotica.
Well … apparently she won because it was a success. Yet again it will only pass as an erotica by the 1950s standards. It has almost no sex, plenty of torture and the only love in it you will find it here.

I think it is time to re-rate the story of O again!

February 26, 2014

Between a Rock & a Hard Place

It is really simple. I have been suffering for months. My heart is being crushed day in/ day out.

I have tried everything possible. I am even half a step away from fulfilling a childhood dream.

I ate. I shopped. I worked. I dated men.

I did everything I could do. Yet I am stuck.

I fail.

And he is happy.

He is married. He is doing all the things he said he doesn't want to do.

I am stuck. I am struggling. I am in pain.

I am tired.

I don't even know how do I feel.

It is just painful.

I am stuck.

I am too old for this.

I am not supposed to be feeling this way.

I am stuck! And I am being crushed by my own feelings.

January 31, 2014

The Death of the Fairytale

I have always wanted a fairytale. Deep inside me there is a little girl who is waiting for her prince charming.  Deep down I believe in true love. I believe that love conquers all.

With every relationship a part of me looked for the fairytale. I waited for my men to come around. I wanted them to choose me.  I believed our love will conquer all.

It just didn’t happen but I didn’t really care. I kept believing in magic, I kept the little girl and her fairytale alive regardless what I really said.

Then I met him!

He didn’t believe in magic. He repeatedly said that our problem is that I hate reality while he is real. He spoke facts. He said that life had no fairytales.
For the 1st time I thought maybe I should let go of the fairytale. Maybe love doesn’t really conquer all. 

He left proving once again that love isn’t enough. That there is no prince charming who would conquer all to be beside his princess.

But that wasn’t what killed the fairytale. What really deprived me from my belief in magic is the fact that he left to get back to his ex wife.

He left to be with what he repeatedly described as an obnoxious woman.

The excuse he has been giving to the world is “I am doing it for my daughter”.

But what he is really doing is that he is pretending to be happily in love with the mother.
He is giving the little kid a proof that love conquers all. His is giving her a fairytale. Her father and mother who got divorced for years are getting back together.

A prince charming is coming around for his princess.

The man who never believed in magic is turning into a magician. The man who said he doesn’t want his kid to believe in fairytales is making a fairytale come to true to please the little girl. The man who said I live in my dreams while he is nothing but reality stole my fairytale and gave it to them.

My fairytale is dead.

January 21, 2014

Day in/ Day out

The point is I don't want to do any of the things I am doing.

I didn't want to do any of the things I have done.

But I have to keep doing. I have to keep trying. I have to move on. Because moving on is what rational people do.

Yet I don't want to. I didn't want it to end.

I wanted days with him. I wanted years of us sharing a bed, a couch, a cup of coffee, a book, a bath and a full life.

I wanted to have heated sex and discussions.

I wanted lots of things ... for the very 1st time in my life I knew what i wanted exactly.

But I have to move on. I have to keep doing all the things I don't want to do. I have to stay busy. I have to keep trying.

This is what rational people do!

December 20, 2013

In a perfect world ...

S: Why did you leave?!

H: Because you never really wanted me to stay!

December 07, 2013

On Loneliness: Definition

There are points in one’s life when something really big happens. Maybe losing a loved one, or seeing one of your dreams coming true.

A moment of pure joy or deep sadness, the type of moment you look around to share with someone. Someone who understands your excitement, someone who will dance a night away to celebrate your happiness. Someone who would hold you tight to ease an unbearable pain.

There are huge moments in one’s life that one needs to share them. They are too big to be lived alone.
When one can’t find someone to share such moments with, that one is officially lonely.


November 19, 2013


He called me smart and that made me cry. I told him that everyone else called me smart. It is becoming more of an offense.
They all called me smart but wanted one thing.

They wanted sex.
He wanted sex too.
So I cried.

They all say they love me, they all call me smart, they all want sex and they all break my heart.

I just want a man who doesn’t call me smart.

I am not smart. Smart women don’t get their hearts broken.