May 20, 2017

Guilt

He keeps listing my blessings. He said that I shouldn't be that sad. I have no "obligations" in life except to the things I choose.
I have no father, no mother, no children and no husband. I have the freedom every one longs to.
He also mentioned how lucky I was in my choices. He reminded me how easy my life is compared to everyone I know.

He reminded me of things I know.

He reminded me that my life isn't missing a thing, not even him.

I am free, lucky and my life is easy.

I feel guilty when I pity myself over trivial things

May 19, 2017

Out of Character

Seven months ago I got strange phone call from someone I never comfortable around.
The phone call seemed "benign", it was full of the regular "I want the best for you" nonsense.
But I got one feeling that day. The phone call was to let me know something. A piece of info that would have pissed me off.
Actually I got pissed off, but for the 1st time in my whole life I didn't act upon it.
I totally ignored the leaked info.
Lots of things happened since then, most of it wasn't going to happen had I acted how I usually acted.

Right now I am not sure whether or not I have done the right thing. All I know is that I have acted out of character.
I have been acting out of character. And I don't know whether it is a good thing or a bad thing

May 15, 2017

Another ode to "H"

There is a good reason I love "H". I love how he is the only person who could help me snap out of a thought. He doesn't do it instantly, on the contrary. All what he ever does is offering me a different logic. He never pushes, he never even attempt convincing me. He just states what's obvious to him and let my obsessive compulsive thinking do the rest.
One of the things he casually mentioned was the fact that I have been stressing about being old in the time I am not. He said that given the average ages now I am expected to live more years than what I already lived.
Didn't I know such a fact? Off course I did.
I know that people live to their 80s these days, and with advances in medical care they will live not only longer but also with a good quality of life.
So, why so obssessed with age?
It wasn't until he stated the obvious when I started digging deeper on why I am having these tboughts and when did they start.
I discovered that it all started with the egyptian political turmoil in 2011. I started feeling unsafe, and everything led to another. I tried inventing new safety nets, those safety nets started failing and I started a loop of panic.

This panic ended just by a random line stating the obvious.

So .. to H ♥️♥️♥️

May 14, 2017

Unbearable lightness of being

I am not feeling ok. I feel stretched thin. I could list why I am feeling so. But I don't have the energy to do.
I don't want to tell anyone I know about how I feel, because I have no energy to handle the cliches or the indifference.

I am not feeling good. Life is too futile to live. There was times when I wished I could just sleep for few years then get back to living. These days I just want to go to sleep and never wake up again.

Why do we live?

Why are we here?

It is totally futile. 

May 02, 2017

It is ok

There is a point in life when you realize that certain things aren't going to happen regardless how hard you want it, how hard you work for it, and how hard you pray for it.

There is a point in life when you realize that certain things aren't meant to be.

There is a point in life when you realize that some things you want aren't going to happen and it is ok if they never happened.

Certain things aren't meant to be, and it is ok.

April 24, 2017

That New Approach

One day I went out with my daddy but I got back home without him. Ever since that day my life haven't been the same.
I am not the same person anymore. One of the things that changed about me is how I deal with drama. Before the day I got back home without my father I used to engage whole heartedly in different types of dramas. Boy drama, friends drama, family drama, anything you could think of. I just dealt dramaticly with every aspect of my life. No, I can't deal with drama. I don't even cry over random things as I used to do. I cry only because I miss my dad.
Another thing that changed "dramaticly" about me is how I do things. Before my dad's death I used to refuse doing things. Now, I just do them. I am on auto-pilot mode. And though this seems good, but it is not really. For instance I am having troubles at work because of the fact that I wasn't created to do that job. Yet, I am just doing it. The mistakes I do put me under pressure, I hate myself for doing such mistakes and I hate how others use them against me, yet I am doing it on a hope that practice makes perfect.
How I am dealing with pressure is another thing that changed about me. I look at pressures, take a deep breath and just move on. It is ok to live with stress, and saddness won't kill me as I thought it might.

The last thing that changed about me is thinking about death. Before dad, I have always wanted to live. I have always thought that there are things I am missing in life, now I don't.
I don't really care about living anymore. I think it is ok if i died. There is nothing I am missing out on this life.


March 26, 2017

Today's Confession

He makes my heart melts. In ways that I never thought possible.

He makes my heart melts. He soothes my soul.


February 16, 2017

On Freedom

Freedom is a scary thing. 

People never think of freedom in terms of responsibility. 

Freedom is a scary thing. 

February 14, 2017

A Valentine's Day Thought

When Daddy died all my men kept their distance. No one showed up. They offered "remote" support. In fact they offer "text" condolences and disappeared.
I waited for them to show up, I needed them to show up. Yet they left me alone.

My friends on the other hand showed up
 Each and every one of them. Even those I have lost contact with for ages, and those I barely know. I was showered with love.
While the men I gave all my love to denied me a little in return.

One of them later on told me that he didn't come because he thought i might not be able to act wisely. He feared that i might have cried in his arms or something like that. He feared we/ he would have needed to explain why of all other people I chose his arms to cry in.

I didn't cry in anyone's arms.

And I was showered with love he couldn't afford giving me.