Dear You

Here is the thing. Maybe I never closed my eyes to imagine me in a wedding dress next to you. I stopped dreaming of wearing that dress long time ago. But you know the places I have always wanted to go? The clothes I have been waiting to wear? The adventures that I have been reluctant to try? The whole life I have been wanting to live? I wanted to have them all with you!

On holding those lines …

There is a fact that most people ignore, the worst time of your life will always be the right now. Whatever bad you are going through won’t sound as bad later because somehow you will find a way. 

Somehow life will manage to throw you a bigger load of misery. And you know what, you will long for the good old days. The good old days that was never that good. Or you might be smart and long for tomorrow that your heart hopes will be better than the misery you are living today. But when tomorrow comes holding & failing all types of promises you realize there is always a catch. And life is in part misery as much as it is in part joy.

The point is, the worst of your times is always today. The best of your times is always today too.  

Deal with it!

Confessions – Is that much?

I have been trying to sugar coat my thoughts for a while. I have to admit that posting anything to this blog is turning to be a walk in a mine field. Whatever I write pisses someone off. I don’t like pissing the people I care about off, I am losing the skill of sugar coating and I don’t know how to walk in a mine field without having one exploding in my face.

Yet, this very thought needs to get out of my brain. I will take the chances and just do what I used to do. Spill it out and pretend it is to the void. Maybe, this time no mines will explode.

So, and without any further wasting of your precious time, I think by now most of you know that I have love problems.

Somehow, I was never lucky in love. As if I intentionally pick the wrong men. Because I am sure there are right men out there (Though right now my mind keeps telling me that they are all the same)

I used the term unlucky to try to spare you the long talk about how much of a loser I am, because as you know, I like to take all the blame. I don’t believe in luck. People make their own lucks. So when you are unlucky it simply means you are doing things wrong.

To cut a long story short, my men’s problem seemed to be marriage. All of them believed that I wanted to marry them. And the thought of marrying me was too scary.

They enjoyed the entertainment phase. I can be entertaining. But whenever the idea of a long-term/ serious relation appeared they simply disappeared.

Well, trying to walk a mile in their shoes. Maybe they had every right to be scared. I am scary! I am too much to be handled. I am emotionally messed up. Experts write articles to advise people to not to marry people like me.

Because, apparently, people like me are emotionally unhealthy. People like me will end up bringing all their issues into the relationship. And no sane person would like to marry into that!

But I won’t blame the wise people warning the human kind of emotionally crippled people. Because, you know, they have a point.

You can’t blame luck for your failures as much as you can’t blame wise people for stating the obvious.

But before I lose point and before you jump to the conclusion that I am just another girl who can’t find a husband.

This isn’t about how or why my men ran away from me because they assumed I wanted to marry them (which was true in most of the cases). It is more about the shape of the relationship I am currently looking for.

A friend once asked me couple of years ago what exactly do I need in a relationship. I said all what I need is safe company. I want a man who would spend part of his day communicating with me. Texting is fine, emails are ok, if he thought of calling this will be very good. A call every other week would be appreciated too.  Every now and then I would love to be dined and wined and an annual escape to enjoy total exclusivity.

There is also a level on intimacy that I would like to have fulfilled.

Safe company is all what I am asking for. And by safe I mean I want a guarantee that he will be there the next morning and that I don’t have to worry about other women or other things taking my place.

Just a level of commitment that tells me I am not just an entertainment. Is that much?

I didn’t ask for marriage. All what I asked for is, a daily communication of whatever sort, an occasional outing to enjoy the company and if possible a once a year one week vacation.

Nothing more …

Is that too much?

Quote of the Day

“

Most women who date, I would guess, don’t have men throwing themselves at them every night of the week. Sometimes there’s a long stretch during which nobody’s asking us out. So when we see a guy that we feel might be a romantic possibility, it’s even harder for us to take a backseat. That opportunity might not come back again for a long time.

But guess what: My way? Has sucked. Hasn’t worked at all. I’ve never had a successful relationship with a guy that I’ve pursued. I’m sure there are many stories out there to the contrary. But for me, those guys end up getting back together with their ex-girlfriend, needing to take some time for themselves, or going out of town for business.

Usually it doesn’t even get that far.

And there is something great about knowing that my only job is to be as happy as I can be about my life, and feel as good as I can about myself, and to lead as full and eventful a life as I can, so that it doesn’t ever feel like I’m just waiting around for some guy to ask me out. And most importantly, it’s good for us all to remember that we don’t need to scheme and plot and beg to get someone to ask us out.

We’re fantastic

”


The book - He is just not that into you

Collective Tweets - On the Middle East's bigger picture

Because I am paying attention to Russian news/ analysis since the Arab Spring mess started. They have expected thier protests since February.


An analyst said that Russia is worried coz they have lots of internal troubles that US will move UN against Russia based on Human rights


So now we get elections & protests in Russia, & US/ EU as expected showing discomfort & in support of those protests!


Those "protests" come after the interesting move of Russia putting their "Iskandar" missiles in front of the NATO missiles shield


Russia is standing firmly beside little lion in Syria ... a quick look at the map. & keeping in mind the Russian money invested in Europe ..


Russia is fighting a new war ... the end of the eastern bloc didn't put an end to "Russia". So it is a make it, or break it kind of thing


The world is going nationalistic. The USA as an empire with the "globalization" system should be coming to an end. But ... I can't tell


Europe was the field of operations once, then it moved to far east Asia. It is middle east now. Or so I believe.


It was the 1st Afghan war that put an end to "USSR", the very successful secret war by the US. The question is, r we going to see another 1?


& for the record, probably Russia & China will play as one team in that game. Or this will be the end of their potential to grow


& for the record, Russia has their 6 April franchise too. The same Serbian trained orgs :) check wiki for details. They like to brag :)


I would like to give you the heads up on why the Islamists card didn't help Mubarak, Qaddafi, Assad in proving their points to the west


Islamists are welcomed to rule for many obvious reasons. That won't include any conspiracies.


1st, the bigger part in the Israeli/ Palestinian problem is that Israel is based on "Religion" as an ethnicity. Duh!


So to build common grounds between Israel & neighbors, it is logical if those neighbors are built on religion as an ethnicity too ... DUH!


You get Southern Sudan as a "christian" country, Northern Sudan being sold as "islamic". Then Libya, Tunisia, Egypt & Morocco


The triangle of power in the middle east is turning into a religions camps rather than strategical benefits. We have the Sunni/ Shia/ Jews


The rise of Salafies, that Mrs US ambassador to Egypt discussed back in feb. is exactly the anti Shia power in the region


So, when Soliman Brother Muslim-hood said that Mubarak being out of power meant and Islamists rule, he was answer by "Now means Now"


The Islamists are not something the US can fear, but there is a tiny problem. The US once used those Islamists to beat USSR.


It is really complicated in the middle east ... way too complicated to be put in 140 chrs & be fine about it. Just fasten ur seat belts

On the things that can’t be said

There was that moment, I was lying on the floor unable to move, unable to think, unable to do anything but weeping. I wanted the whole world to freeze. I wanted to spend the rest of whatever I have in life there on the floor crying my heart out. Then it occurred to me, that my family will be back and they won’t like that scene. They will get shocked and they will ask me “what’s wrong with you”.

The idea that someone might ask me “what’s wrong with you” and care to wait for an answer past the “nothing wrong” answer was the only reason I got off that floor & stopped crying.

All what I know that as much as it feels right to just surrender to the feeling it is too dreadful to have to explain it to anyone.

What am I supposed to say?

What am I supposed to say?

Re-posting - Wrong Catches

Because names change, but the story is always the same ....

May be it is the birthday blues or just I have become addicted to mood swings.
A psychiatric friend once summed what she called my case as a commitment phobic behavior. She explained my tendency to choose the wrong men by a deep fear of commitment. She said that I unconsciously choose the relations that I know will never work. I choose the men I know will never commit and therefore I deliberately decide my heart breaks before even getting into a relation.
My sister on the other hand claims that I always choose losers. She is convinced that I am a sort of a magnet that attracts a certain type of men. This type of men is generally characterized by being involved in something/ someone else. A typical scenario will be me choosing a playboy over a decent guy, a committed guy over a single one or any man who will have something/ someone else filling up his life.
When Brad asked me for the date I couldn’t believe myself and I went telling her. She looked at me in disgust and said “so is he married or engaged” so I replied in depression “neither, nor. He is single”. She said in astonishment “strange!! So where is the catch?” and when I told her about my agreement with Brad she wore a knowing smile, the smile of someone who just figured out the solution to a kid’s puzzle.
I don’t really know if I am a magnet that attracts men who will never commit or I am really commitment phobic person or may be I am punishing myself for something that I can’t remember.
What I can remember is that I have started with a set of great expectations; I started by dreaming of the perfect relation, a perfect man who is smart, handsome, successful and ambitious, A man who has the manners of a knight and the mentality of a philosopher.
Then I introduced the term compromise to my dictionary. I compromised the looks with the first man; a friend at that time convinced me that looks aren’t everything and what really counts in the personality. Then I introduced compromise to the personality department, as I believe no one is perfect. I compromised my long list of needs to have my fairy tale, to have prince charming and the happy ever after life. But prince charming had a witch mother and unlike fairy tales the witch won the war not the dreaming princess.
I started by giving away the prince charming in my fairy tale then I moved on to give away the happy ever after part. I got marriage off my list of goals. I gave away the little girl’s dream of being a princess for one night. I learnt that there is no happy ever after life, I knew that the word end means a new start, I discovered that if Romeo and Juliet were to get married they would have ended divorced or at least regretting the day they met.
I gave away the dream and started living the reality. I took marriage off my list of goals; I adopted a no need for men attitude. I wore a sign reading I am single and I am happy.
I killed the little girl and kept the woman. I kept the woman who understands the need for a man to have his space, his life and to have non-obligating company.

May be the real problem isn’t my fear of commitment and not even my phobia of change. But may be the real phobia is my phobia of being loved, my fear of belonging to someone. I have never belonged to anyone, none of them dared rising his flag on my territory, all what they asked for was a permission to access my land as visitors, and no one wanted to stay. No one cared to take a deeper look than the tourist eyes. They came, they enjoyed and the left without a goodbye. I was never theirs as they were never mine.

I don’t regret burying the dreams along with the feelings. I don’t mourn the little girl with her princess’s fairy tales. I need no man to complete me. I am happy being the queen of my own tale. I am the ruler of my own free land. I belong to no one but myself.

There weren’t catches to be right or wrong.

At Arm’s Length

Many years ago I had Brad on phone and Mohamed (the ex) called. I chose not to take that call and finish my call with Brad. Before that day Mohamed always had priority. Only family came before him. But that day I decided that Brad is more important.

I called him later and we had a fight over Brad. It wasn’t the first time. He fought about Brad since he knew about his presence in my life. He fought about every single male I had in my life. Friends, relatives, colleagues and potential dates. He was jealous. He said he loved me and he can’t see me with someone else. He wanted me to be his while he kept on with his plans to marry his cousin. The last thing he said in that call was when you need me you know how to find me. And we didn’t call ever again. Brad disappeared, then re-appeared and finally disappeared. I have been missing Mohamed ever since that day, needed just to hear his voice many times. But I didn’t call him.

I can tell you a long list of why I didn’t call him. All rational reasons but honestly the only reason I didn’t try to contact him is that I know him enough to know he won’t take me back easily. That he will make sure he punished me enough before taking me back. And again it will be his rules. I will have to be available as a full package and do with whatever he decides to give me. And I couldn’t do this to myself. I just couldn’t take the idea of being blamed for trying to do the same thing he did to me. I couldn’t take the idea that he has the right to have a wife while I am the one who has to compromise to be with the man she loves. If he loved me too he should have compromised for me. I felt I deserved that much. I felt I deserved to be the woman he introduces to everyone. Not the one with no right to call unless no one is around.

It took me years to get with Mohamed to that point. It took me years to be unable to play with his rules. Brad actually helped. He was the voice that told me how magnificent I was. I felt good and capable of breaking the link with Mohamed. It wasn’t as painful. I was angry. I was deeply angry and heartbroken and I had that nice guy telling me all the nice things. So I hung up the phone and I never called him back.

I didn’t try to hunt Brad when he disappeared for the 2^nd time. I don’t know if I ever loved Brad. I once told a friend that I loved him. But I am not sure. I am passing through a phase of being unable of deciding why I did certain things. I am not sure. And I can’t tell whether the things I have done were right or wrong and consequently I can’t tell now whether the things I am doing are right or wrong.

Then there was that guy. I can tell I loved him. And I played it cool. I waited and I waited. I gave all the hints. I made all the signs. Everyone noticed but him. I had two choices to walk away or to stay and wait for a little more. One night I wrote him a message “I love you” but instead of sending it I saved it to drafts. I wasn’t ready to deal with the aftermath so I waited.

 I waited till an incident happened and I got crazy. And to cut a long story short. I lost the guy. He is with someone else now. And I can’t walk away. He never knew I loved him. At least I never told him directly I did. I wasn’t ready to deal with the aftermath. So, I preferred to play with his rules. To be kept at his arm’s length. I preferred that he gets to enjoy the full package and I settle for whatever he has to offer. 

I wasn’t ready to lose him. I wasn’t ready to call him and say I love you I don’t want you to be with other women. I wasn’t ready to lose him. I am still not ready to lose him. I can’t live without him. I have tried to replace him with everything but nothing fits. A friend once told me that my love for the guy is more a companionship. Another friend told me that it is logical that I don’t like any of the men people try to set me up with because I already found the perfect company, that’s him.

 Maybe they are right. I told you before I am going through the “can’t tell” phase. So maybe it was just the joy of companionship. Maybe it is that he is the type of company I wanted for the journey I settled and didn’t check other options. Maybe the love was for the company not the person, I can’t really tell.

But what I can tell right now is that I am doing something that I would have told anyone is wrong to be done. I am comparing that guy with someone else unintentionally sometimes and intentionally in other times. I am taking decisions with the new guy based on how the reactions with that guy were. I know them better than thinking they both will give the same reactions. I am aware that I have been mixing and probably punishing each of them for the other’s mistakes. I know that I pulled away my hand once and didn’t touch one of them because the other hates to be touched. I know how different they are. 

But I know one thing. Both will never take the step to meet me half way. Or maybe I am wrong. I can’t tell. Maybe only one of them wasn’t able to do this. And that I should stop comparing because maybe the other one will meet me half way. Because I was able to tell that one that I love him and that I want a relationship not just whatever we have. Maybe, he will get past his many reasons (that I am sure all valid and rational) that make it more convenient for him to keep me at arm’s length. Maybe he will come around.

And if he didn’t … I don’t know but it is just unfair to be kept at arm’s length. But what if this is as good as it gets? The worse is what if they keep you at arm’s length because they know that this is as good as it gets. That you have never done better. That it is a long history of being kept at arm’s length. And it is ok to do so to you.

What if the idea of missing you is better than the idea of being with you? Isn’t it all about that? You stick to a person because you can’t lose them?

What if this is as good as it gets? The best you can have is to be at arm’s length from the person you love and want for life. Arm’s length is near enough but yet too far from where you want to be. Will you settle for the best you can have or try to find the best you think you deserve even if you can’t tell whether or not you deserve better than the best you have already earned?

Am I making any sense?

Where are we now?

There is a joke about a man who was asked about the secret of the success of his marriage. He replied that he made a deal with his wife. That major decisions are his job & she gets to do all the minor decisions and that was the last decision he made.

The joke might not be funny. It is sort of funny but I think it holds more philosophy than it was intended to do. Or maybe it is just my mood that makes me see philosophy in such a shallow joke.

What constitutes a major decision? We were all introduced to the “starbucks” decisions in the legendary movie “You have got mail”. It is a series of insignificant decisions that lead to a cup of coffee. A process that makes you feel accomplished but yet not life changing (threatening) in anyway.

So, if the type of coffee you drink to start your day isn’t a major decision what could a major decision be?

Education is a life changing decision which makes it “major”, so is career, marriage, having kids or finding a new place to live. Break ups & investments too. The first that comes to your mind when you think of a major decision is probably a crossroads where you have to decide a turn that will decide your destination. Minor decisions are supposed to be the ones we take down the chosen road just to get over obstacles to get to the destination.

Life changing crossroads is supposed to be clear. You are probably confused while deciding, else you wouldn’t have known that you are at a crossroads. Or even you wouldn’t have felt how “major” the decision is.

Between you & me I think “major” decisions are over rated. It is easy to take a major decision regardless how hard it seem to be. After all & out of being confused a person will do what they will over think all the options, will ask for opinions & will eventually take a calculated step into risk. Crossroads decision might feel hard but they are the clearest decisions you can make. You pick a road, that simple. You decide a destination that you know you want, regardless that knowing what you “really” want is a challenge & a major decision in itself.

You know what do I believe are “major” decisions? It is the decisions we take on the go. The ones we don’t think about. The ones that we think are taken to serve “major” decisions already made in previous crossroads.

Those “minor” decisions are taken without taking risk into account, like when you go order sushi & end up in ER. Your lunch of choice would lead to putting an end to your story. And such minor decision would consequently lead to more minor decisions that could be “Life changing”  in so many ways.

Every step of the way is a crossroads. Every step could change our lives. Even the steps we take thinking will lead to the destination we set at the beginning of the journey might turn to be taking us to somewhere we never knew existed.

Every step of the way is a life changing decision. Even your morning coffee. 

On Egypt - Observations on a Revolution

This is an email that I sent to Sameh about some of the things I observed in Egypt recently. 

I have been avoiding commentary on the current scene in Egypt on purpose. I don't want to be part of the ongoing "talk" war on the cyber space & I am honestly avoiding inquisition. People these days are attacking one another on assumptions & life is too precious to be wasted on such side wars.

Anyway, I felt that this email should be shared with bigger audience. 

Oct. 7, 2011

It is 3am. And it is another sleepless night. You think spending the day in the streets will make me tired enough to sleep. Well, I am tired. Even my legs hurt. Most of the muscles hurt :) I walked a lot today. I enjoyed it. And enjoyed the division of the egyptian street over politics.

I am not really sure if I enjoyed it. Or I just enjoyed that I am seeing one of the things I said will happen.

Actually seeing the things I said will happen doesn't make me happy. People acknowledging how right I was makes me happy. Though people don't do this too often. They usually pick on the wrongs you do. But in rare occasions it happens and someone say, you were right, I was wrong. And this is my happiest moments.

I am not always right. Actually most of the time I am always wrong :) honestly I don't believe I am always wrong but it is always good to learn to admit it. To be able to admit that u can be wrong, you are wrong and it is ok coz you have to be wrong so u can learn how to be right.

so, first a man almost beat a woman in the street because she was distributing flyers to a demo in Mostafa Mahmoud.
he called her every name in the book and added NDPian to the list of insults.

People at first watched, then slightly started to take sides. I took the side of walking away. Ghada wanted to stand and defend the girl but I insisted we have no business in that fight. So she showed support by taking one of the flyers.

The people, the passersby, few took the same side I took. Looked at the situation as if it is from outer space. It isn't our business. It is just smth to watch. Few surrounded the guy so he won't beat the girl and few surrounded the girl to protect her. And it was when she screamed thawret eh elly el wa7ed mesh 3aref ye2ool fiha ra2yoh, people started to take her side. She gained audience. And she wanted to call the police and people started to calm her down.

I left when she was talking to a bigger crowd than she had at first. Which makes me wonder how much this guy served her goal. She got insulted, yes. But she delivered her message to audience that she wasn't going to reach and got their attention in abnormal circumstances. By far, she won that battle.
I wonder who else might be winning similar battles only by giving his enemy the chance to carry an offense on him.

I like listening to what people say in the streets. I can tell that they are talking more politics. It isn't that the Egyptians never talked politics before. C'mon whoever says talking politics is new to Egyptians is simply not Egyptian or doesn't live in Egypt.

We always talked politics, but politics was easy. It was flat. One dimensional type of politics. It was Mubarak, and Abu taweela's government sins.
El 3iesh wel 3eesha welly 3aysheinha were pretty much the topics u hear in the streets. Now you hear them talk about israel, how the air show is advanced and the type of training those pilots get ( which was a talk bien baya3een el tora7 and kolha ta2leef) but the point is, it got their attention and they are impressed.

Also a shop was playing tantawi's speech, the one he said there were no orders to kill protesters. I was so curious to ask the guy why he was playing it. But didn't want to get dragged into such conversations. But they weren't laughing and they weren't cursing. They were paying complete attention. And no one in the shop was upset.

I don't really know how should I feel about this. Since the jan25 I think I have been going through the 5 stages of grief.

I don't know what I am exactly grieving. But I think I am grieving this. The deep break in Egypt. I am grieving that right now people call their hate love and destruction revolution. I hate how deep the division is. And I hate the unlimited bad scenarios that we can have at any moment.

We are still running the risk of having a civil war. It seems distant. It seems infeasible. But we are still running that risk. Not like Libya. The Libyan scenario isn't on the table anymore. Which reminds me to mention that I can't believe some thawrgya are now saying ya rietna kona Libya. I don't know what type of minds do they have. Libya is screwed. They don't have a country. And the interim council is god knows whose. It is a disaster on our western borders and we have people wishing we were Libya. So they can control the God damn tv.

We are running the risk of a Syrian scenario. Unless there is a huge Brutus in the army. Then we will get to experience the Libyan scenario, which was initially intended to us.

Oct. 19, 2011

Lots of things happened since the night I started writing this. It is funny that the last part I wrote was about civil war. And I am writing this almost a week after the Maspiro battle.

You know, this so called revolution course was determined in small battles. I don't know if anyone was paying attention. It is just like war and those little battles reflects how Egypt changed over the last 9 months. Yet, I personally can't predict which of the available scenarios is more likely to happen.

Let me tell you about those battles.

The 1st battle, the one that started the war was the qasr el Nile bridge battle in the jan28th. The people versus the police. The fire from that battle spread across Cairo and other cities. It was a major trauma for the nation. A trauma that will be a determinant factor in other battles too.
The qasr el Nile bridge battle changed this generation forever.

The 2nd battle will be the Camel battle. The Emad Adeeb choice of name for that battle was genius on so many levels. But that was the battle that sent Mubarak to a hospital bed. It was the one victory that turned the results of the war. But again not necessarily in the favor of the cause.

The 3rd battle will be the April 9 battle. Though it was preceded with the march 9 battle. But I think both should be named the battle of the museum.
The battle of the museum showed change in the wind but no one paid attention. It was the 1st introduction of what I call a lebanses political tactic. When one of the parties involved do something that shakes the scene and then shows public regret on what seems to be wrong. A tactic to يكرس the action not to withdraw it.

Then there was the Ministry of interior battle in jun28. I call it the balloon theatre battle. That marked the come back of the police to tahrir. And a public sympathy against thugs and chaos.

Then comes the battle that proved no one was paying attention since the battle of the museum or simply no one cared to analyze the results of this battle. It was the battle of Abbasya in July 23. That battle showed not only a change in the public support for the revolutionary group but also the change in tactics from the government. It was a well planned battle. To get out from such battle with only one dead it was huge. But probably the theatre of operations helped in minimizing the loss in humans.

This battle was followed by a minor water testing that I call a7dath el sanyah. Which simply revolves around revolutionaries bing beaten in tahrir, 1st of ramadan and losing power over the symbolic center of power to them. Sanyet midan el tarrier.

The next on the list will be the embassy battle. That battle took time to cook since April 8. The final act of it was too dramatic it killed the last traces of support in the watching population. It was another mess, that led to a bigger mess where the revolutionaries lost more grounds.

The final is the Maspiro battle. That one too had been cooking for a while since the 1st Maspiro clashes. Where the army interfered in favor of christians against unknown thugs.
This time, it was a trap for all parties involved. Having it aired on national
Tv didn't leave a room for anyone to live in denial. It was Egyptians killing each others and burning Egypt down. The tweets about the qatl 3ala el haweyyah style in tahrir was horrific too.
I still didn't form an opinion about how this battle changed the scene. But it is enough to watch all thawrgya fighting each other over parliament seats to tell that this battle too didn't serve whoever was trying to stage another jan28.

The problem with trying to re-stage a jan28 is that you can't repeat history on demand. The wind changed since that day. And a look at the results of all the battles before the battle of Maspiro proves that staging a jan28 is hard now. I am not saying impossible. But it is just too hard, in my opinion.

Which bring us back to the risk of civil war, but not like syrians more of bahrainis style.

I am sleepy. I think I should send this anyway and write the rest and the economic part later.