July 19, 2014

On availability

I studied economics for a good part of my life. And in every page I read there was a clear message "be scarce". Scarcity derives the supply and demand and sets the prices.

Scarcity is the core of the economic theory as much as it is the core of life.

Love is a market that's governed with scarcity too.

A person will walk the extra mile only if you are out of reach.

He will call to check if he can't find traces of you to tell him how you have been.

He will ask to meet if he can't find enough room to talk.

He will propose only if he fears to lose you to someone else.

In a world derived by scarcity I am too available.

I have blogs, twitter and a bi-weekly article @ http://www.dotmsr.com/ar/204/

He can always read me. He can never miss me. And he can always find reasons to stay away.

I am too available for him, any him, to love me!

July 17, 2014

M

Remember M?
The guy who followed HH and was right before Brad?
No he isn't back. I was just thinking that I might have broken his hreat in a way.

Well I didn't yet the last thing he ever said to me was " Shimaa you never loved me and you never loved anyone but yourself"

That was after I decided to ignore his call and take Brad's call.
I told him it was simple before that day he was my number one. But left me. His wedding was few days away. And he clearly stated that he can't be mine.

So Brad was a rebound, maybe not, but he was a decent chance at a decent relationship. Why would i turn it down?

And that wasn't few days after M breaking up with me. It was almost a year after. A year full of drama. A year where he did his best to hurt me.
Yet he had the guts to call me selfish!
Because I was attempting to mirror his behavior.
I just pushed him back in my priority list. I wasn't his number one, he didn't want me to emotionally depend on him ... etc.
So why so angry when I did what he wanted me to do?

I think he never thought i'd be able to move on. I loved him dearly. I did everything just to get back together. When we did he was surprised that though I still loved him yet that love was different.
My love was sore!
He couldn't get it as much as he couldn't get the fact that I have chosen to love him and be with him from a line of men.

He, for some reason, couldn't see any men in my future.
Well, I am still unmarried, all my men lovers and friends were sure I am not going to get married but that never meant I will never have other men. I still have men! I think I will always do.

Anyway, M wasn't the only man who couldn't get that I am always having someone in line waiting for me to say yes.

Maybe I was never a marraige material which made my men so sure that I will never be taken and it will always be safe to dump me.
A man can dump me then come back later and enjoy the ex's priviledge.

I kinda of lost point here ...

My love was sore and he called me selfish.

July 15, 2014

On Hormones

They would tell you lots of things about the female hormones.
They would warn you of mood swings and irritability.
They will portray it as a temporary thing.

A monthly wave of irrationality ...

Yet they miss to warn you of the hormones' logic.
Under the influence of your hormones you will start applying a different form of logic to analyze facts.

You start building on theories so strong.

What no one would dare saying outloud is the fact that hormones go but the theories you built stay.

Only the next time your hormones hit you will start acting explicitly based on them. For the rest of time, they are the undertone of everything you say or do.


July 14, 2014

Back to Drama!


So he died!

The man who gave me the most overwhelming year and a half in my life just died. One minute he was here and the other he was gone.

A month later, I still check his social media accounts the 1st thing in the morning as I have used to do for the last year and half.

Part of me is still waiting for him. I miss him in so many ways that I don't think anyone would get. And I am not really able to express.

I miss him ... He is dead.

No one comes back from the dead.

Before meeting him, I was living life one day at a time. I lost believing in "tomorrow". The past was full of pain the present was unbearable and consequently the future promised nothing less than what they had to offer.

Then he gave me a job, a chance and almost a daily dose of communication. Half the way of the project I was working on I started to realise that I have lost my attitude towards life.

I have been doing something that I love, and I have been working with someone who appreciates the little things I notice and make sure to let me know he has noticed me efforts and the points I bring onto the project.

Life was perfect. Even when I lost the man I loved like no one else. Life was still "liveable".


By the end of that project he gave me the best surprise in my life. He asked me to write to his new online newspaper. He said I am talented and I had something to say. He said that my blogs have good content.

He was who he was. What he said that night was one of the biggest confidence boosts I ever got in my whole life.

For a while after that, everything in my life seemed ok. All the pain, the broken hearts, the disappointments, the failures ... everything seemed ok because all of these added up to that moment of pure joy.

If it weren't for the pain, the heartbreaks and the disappointments I wasn't going to ever meet him.

He came into my life and suddenly .. It was full of meaning.

It was ok ...

I got published.

I had/ have a line of men waiting on me to say yes (still to sex but it didn't sound as bad because I was published!)

Life was perfect. I was happy. And I didn't want to hide it. Because I have been sad for God knows how many years.


Then he died ...


I am still published ... I still have the long line of men waiting on me to say yes (still for sex) some are ex's and some are new but it isn't ok anymore.

The long line of horny men isn't ok anyone. The yes or no aren't ideas that I would happily entertain as I think about the new article I am writing.

It isn't ok. It was never ok!

My life is made of wait and temporary fixes.

I have been waiting all my life for things. I have been persisting to get things done.

I have been living on temporary fixes till something happens.


If you can't find a good job, do whatever job you can find till something happens.

If your lover can't be the man you want him to be, do whatever till he comes around.

If you can't find someone to love you, do with whoever pretends he loves you while all what he wants is to jump into your pants.


Work, Wait and Persist! You will eventually do it!


Guess what?

He died!

The man you "love" is married!

And the best you can score of men are whores!






July 13, 2014

July 01, 2014

In another life



Her: What if I died? What if you died? What if we didn't?!

Him: I love you ... But I can't.

Her: I don't want you to die!


June 18, 2014

On Needs

Sameh used to tell me that my problem is that I keep mixing between what I need and what I want.

He might be right because my list of needs includes lots of silly things.

* I need a hug. A squeezing hug. A hug that I didn't ask for.
Not only a hug. I need to be hugged by a man. Not my father, not my brother and not any of my uncles.
I need a squeezing hug by a man who loves me enough to take me into his arms and squeeze my fears and issues out of my bones.

* I need emotional safety. I need to be, again, liked for who I am. To be adored regardless my imperfections.

* I need not to nag or beg. I need things to go the way that I want without having to fight neither myself nor anyone else.

* I need fruitful talks. I need someone who puts me ahead of other things and maybe equally to himself. Again someone who isn't obliged to do it by blood.

I need a man. I could go about and say lots of things but deep down it is all about needing a man to genuinely love me.

I need to be loved the way I want. At least when I really need it.

I need a man ... but apparently the universe believes it is not a need. It is a mere "want" that could be skipped.

June 16, 2014

The Drill

A couple of years ago I was watching Grey's Anatomy and I envied Meredith and the gang for having Dr.Webber.

I wanted to have my Dr.Webber too. I wanted someone to guide me without being controlling. Someone who would help me reach parts of my hidden potential and push me to find more.

I wanted my Richard Webber and God was kind and gave me Abdullah Kamal.

He died suddenly on Friday the 13th. His kind heart failed him and us.

I have spent years trying to explain loss to people but loss can't be explained.
No one would get it unless they walked down the same dark isle.

I know the drill. I have been there, I have done that.

And the worst part is ... it gets worse with time.

This too shall pass ... over my heart!

June 10, 2014

The Burden of Writing!

I have been writing all my life. When I started this blog it was a way to lighten the weight of the love life/ life drama.

Writing had been my therapist and my therapy.

Then my dream came true!

And finally I am writing and someone, somewhere is reading. Someone that I don't know of.

And that someone is judging me because I am the girl who wrote about the "Burden of Sex"!

Phew!

You can find the article here: http://www.dotmsr.com/ar/204/1/17954/#.U5YoyhnfrqA