November 21, 2014

Why?!

Ok!

This needs to be said out loud!

I can't get over Mr. Abdullah's death. I am stuck between denial and anger.

I act like I have accepted it but I don't.

I keep thinking it is just a silly dream and I will eventually wake up. And when I realize that the silly dream is my reality I feel nothing but pure anger.

I never thought I would ever ask him this question ..

"Why did you come into my life? And why did you leave?!"

November 06, 2014

Attachments Again

I get attached!

I get attached to people and I get attached to things.

I get attached to potential.

I get attached to hope.

It always end up bad.

I try not to get attached but I am just an orphan kitten looking for a sign of a promise that there will be tomorrow and there won't be pain.

November 04, 2014

Home

I have been having this feeling for a while. I don't feel home while I am home.

I rarely go out. But sometimes when I do I don't feel like I want to go home.

Sometimes I wish time stops and I spend the rest of my life in a single moment.

I wanna go home! 

October 18, 2014

Another Confession

I just wanted to share my little victories with someone who would be as excited as I am.

Not being able to do this. Not having a person who searches for signs of "my dream coming true" and being as happy as I am is killing something in me.

I am not sure whether this is good or bad.

But I have always imagined sharing little victories with someone who cares ...

Another fairy tale dead!

October 13, 2014

The Cocoon





I spent months on the couch. I tell everyone I am busy, which is true, yet I have been busy all my life and managed to make time to go out and meet people.
I can't remember exactly when it started. But probably it started by avoiding meeting people who ask the "why aren't you married yet" question.
Then I dumped my job and started avoiding people who ask the "why you don't work" question.
Then I was too fat. I didn't realize I was too fat till "Brad" started listing the things he finds "off" in me.
I lost weight yet I never regained the appetite for people. I kept avoiding them.
I have been avoiding meeting a friend who I really like for years because I believe if he met me in flesh and bones he'd be turned off and I'd lose him forever.
Now the cocoon is tightening more. I feel I should avoid communication with people all together. Because the more they see the more they leave.
I lost my charms somewhere down the way.
It is exhausting!


October 12, 2014

Piles

It is like I am piling up emotions and dragging the piles around.

There is a huge pile called I misd Abdullah.

Another pile labeled defeat.

A pile named after H.

A pile of insecurities.

A pile of uncertainties.

A pile of fear.

And a huge pile of loneliness.

I keep moving around dragging all these feelings.

I have no idea how to deal with them.

October 04, 2014

A Paradox

So we shouldn't date "The Dildo" in the same sense we should never marry "The sperm donor". But isn't dating "The Dildo" better than masturbation?! 


October 03, 2014

Side Notes

* I need to know the reason behind my aggression and depression.

* The problem was never that I fail to attract men. I am a male magnet (I believe every woman is) but the problem starts after the initial attraction. They get closer and the moment the relationship gets cozy they run away.
It is either there is something terribly wrong with me for them to stay. Or I terribly scare them away.
Both ways I am terrible hence they run away!

* I was told that if I think I don't have a life, then who does?
Which is a good point. I have a super busy life. I dare to say it was fulfilling at many points.
I am just drained ... I don't know what do to or where to go.

* I don't give in to hugs. I keep saying I need a hug but I have been given random hugs by lots of random people.
I failed to connect. I failed to channel any kind of positive emotions.

September 27, 2014

Depression!



Sameh thinks that I need to learn how to be happy. He might be right. Yet, I think I know how to be happy. It is just I am way too depressed; happiness has become a burden of its own.

Ok .. let’s take it slow.

I am sad. I am disappointed. I was happy earlier this year! I was too happy that I even blogged about it.
But now I am not.

I am sad. I am disappointed. I feel like a failure. I feel worthless. And all what I could think of is death. Maybe I should die and let go of all these feelings.
I also feel guilty for feeling sad. I seem to ruin everyone’s merriness.
I feel guilty because my feelings mean that I have lost my faith. And truth is, maybe I did.
I seriously find no point in anything.
I have been crying since I woke up this morning and I don’t seem to be able to stop.
I have no future. I am done covering up my failure with big words.

I am a total failure. A life unworthy of living.

But isn’t it unfair that I can’t live?
I’ve been trying. So hard … I have done my best.

But my best was never enough.

I am never enough.

I don’t need reminders that I have a life that lots will wish to have. I don’t need reminders of how much I am blessed.

I know, and I feel guilty enough.

Enough reminding me of how much a brat I could be because I am not.


I am sad, disappointed and tired. 


September 09, 2014

On Validation




I know I have been writing too much about myself lately. But I think I am blogging my feelings away.

So there was that moment, when at what was supposed to be a professional meeting gone bad, when the guy looked at me after almost 45 mins of trying to talk me out of an idea and said, you are smart and passionate. he said other things too, but I honestly shut off his "praise">

You know why?

Because I realized that I don't need his validation, the same way I didn't really need anyone's validation.

I know I seem to be begging for validation.


But honestly, I shut off the "praise".

I validate myself!