March 15, 2015

Status Update!


I really miss blogging! 

You would think that a bi-weekly article will keep my "need to write" satisfied. But it isn’t really the case. I can’t pour my heart out in an article. I should always keep a part of the heart out of the mix. For many reasons, sticking to a certain form of language is one, writing for a critical diversified audience is another.

While writing an article, I have to make sure doesn’t fall under the vanity show category. And I have to stay “politically” and “socially” correct.
I am trying to write things of value. I am not sure whether it is working or not, but at least I am trying.

Blogging something else! 

I couldn’t see the difference before. But it is totally different. This is my “Personal Space” hence “Vanity” is not only expected but it is widely accepted.
I can whine as much as I want. I can brag as much as I can.

Which leads us to the point of this post!

I am BUSY!

Too busy that I have to schedule showers.
Too busy that I write the bi-weekly articles on the edge of deadline every single week.
Too busy to talk to friends, to go out, to “live”.
I am too busy I can’t even tell whether being that busy is a good thing or a bad thing.

Also I have been single for quite a while now. I haven’t had a date in around a year. And I haven’t had a man declaring his “interest” for that long too.
I am not sure whether it is a good thing or not. Sometimes I feel it is ok, other times I end up sobbing out of loneliness pain.

Yet for an unknown reason, part of the confident Shimaa is back. I am not trembling as I remember I was. Which means some people will think I am arrogant, others will find me obnoxious. It also means that I am hurting people I love by being so “decisive” in my judgments of their poor selves!

I am not sure whether it is a good thing or not.


Anyway, If you are reading this and you have been hurt with my “Busy-ness” or my new “Confident” “intolerant” attitude. I sincerely apologize. Last year has been really overwhelming and I am terribly exhausted.

The “attitude” isn’t intentional. I am just tired.


Love

January 17, 2015

On being a Cling

Hello world!

I miss writing in English as much as I miss writing about myself.
I feel like I have lost my touch. I am not pouring as much feelings & dark thoughts into writing as I used to do.

Anyway, as I have been single for quiet sometime now. And no one even thought of asking me out on a date in almost a year. Also I noticed that the moment I start flirting with anyone is the moment he makes sure to make it clear that he isn't up for a relationship.

So I thought there must be something totally off about me.

Maybe that I am putting on weight or age or even acne scars! Maybe I am losing my sense of humor. Or even worse I have become too senstive to be dealt with.

Actually, there are plenty of reasons that could scare them away but I think I know the one and only reason that makes me such a turn off.

Clinging!

Do I cling?

I don't think so, yet I might be giving signs that I am up to a serious relationship. And that I might be having expecatations. I might even want to get married. Not to mention the viriginty thing and the no sex without marriage rule.

Well .. if i were a man i would have been turned off. Why would I ask someone who have expectations of a decent healthy relationship out! Why would I get close to a virgin who won't lose her virginity without a ring?!

There is no good reason to take such risks.

They have every right to be scared!

*Sigh*

December 13, 2014

The Eighth Year






Dear world, we have been a long way!

Eight years ago I posted my very first post on this blog. In my seventh blog anniversary, and as I was celebrating by spamming my social media timelines with re-posts of my old favorite posts. My mentor sent me a message commenting on one of my posts saying that he would like me to write for his newborn project.
The mentor was Abdullah Kamal and the newborn project was DotMsr. Few months later, he suggested that I should write about relationships.

Honestly, I was hesitated. Whatever I have been writing about relationships has been a reflection of completely personal experiences. I have been writing to heal my broken heart.
But he, my mentor, was very supportive. He told me not to worry about my “self centered” writing style. He said, that’s exactly what we want.

It happened! I got my first article published on dotmsr in last May. And a month later, I published my very first article about sex. The reactions to this article made me doubt the whole thing of the “writing dream”.
Some people called me sexually obsessed. Others went on congratulating me on being “bold and brave”. But what got to me the most was the sincere advice that I shouldn’t be focusing on relationships. Those who advised against this direction of writing said I had more potential, and made relationships look so trivial for a deep girl to tackle.

I took my worries and went back to my mentor, crying. I asked him how I would know if the advice was sincere or not. And for the last time, he guided my through fog ,as he died a couple of days after this conversation.

It had been an overwhelming year!

The thing that I never expected when I first started writing about relationships is that being “self centered” yet having to write to a diversified audience would help me figure out lots of things about myself.

I don’t write about myself for dotmsr, I did it once or twice. I actually write about relationships' topics after I research them and match what I have found to what I have experienced.

I have had some “eureka” moments. I have learned about myself and about others. It has been stressing and not in the least therapeutic yet I believe that it is totally worth it.

In my eighth year, I still dare not call myself a writer. But I can happily declare that I have been enjoying a fairytale. I am writing, I am self discovering and I am being read.

I wish my mentor was here. I miss him every step of the way.

Dear world, thank you for reading!


November 21, 2014

Why?!

Ok!

This needs to be said out loud!

I can't get over Mr. Abdullah's death. I am stuck between denial and anger.

I act like I have accepted it but I don't.

I keep thinking it is just a silly dream and I will eventually wake up. And when I realize that the silly dream is my reality I feel nothing but pure anger.

I never thought I would ever ask him this question ..

"Why did you come into my life? And why did you leave?!"

November 06, 2014

Attachments Again

I get attached!

I get attached to people and I get attached to things.

I get attached to potential.

I get attached to hope.

It always end up bad.

I try not to get attached but I am just an orphan kitten looking for a sign of a promise that there will be tomorrow and there won't be pain.

November 04, 2014

Home

I have been having this feeling for a while. I don't feel home while I am home.

I rarely go out. But sometimes when I do I don't feel like I want to go home.

Sometimes I wish time stops and I spend the rest of my life in a single moment.

I wanna go home! 

October 18, 2014

Another Confession

I just wanted to share my little victories with someone who would be as excited as I am.

Not being able to do this. Not having a person who searches for signs of "my dream coming true" and being as happy as I am is killing something in me.

I am not sure whether this is good or bad.

But I have always imagined sharing little victories with someone who cares ...

Another fairy tale dead!

October 13, 2014

The Cocoon





I spent months on the couch. I tell everyone I am busy, which is true, yet I have been busy all my life and managed to make time to go out and meet people.
I can't remember exactly when it started. But probably it started by avoiding meeting people who ask the "why aren't you married yet" question.
Then I dumped my job and started avoiding people who ask the "why you don't work" question.
Then I was too fat. I didn't realize I was too fat till "Brad" started listing the things he finds "off" in me.
I lost weight yet I never regained the appetite for people. I kept avoiding them.
I have been avoiding meeting a friend who I really like for years because I believe if he met me in flesh and bones he'd be turned off and I'd lose him forever.
Now the cocoon is tightening more. I feel I should avoid communication with people all together. Because the more they see the more they leave.
I lost my charms somewhere down the way.
It is exhausting!


October 12, 2014

Piles

It is like I am piling up emotions and dragging the piles around.

There is a huge pile called I misd Abdullah.

Another pile labeled defeat.

A pile named after H.

A pile of insecurities.

A pile of uncertainties.

A pile of fear.

And a huge pile of loneliness.

I keep moving around dragging all these feelings.

I have no idea how to deal with them.

October 04, 2014

A Paradox

So we shouldn't date "The Dildo" in the same sense we should never marry "The sperm donor". But isn't dating "The Dildo" better than masturbation?!