April 24, 2017

That New Approach

One day I went out with my daddy but I got back home without him. Ever since that day my life haven't been the same.
I am not the same person anymore. One of the things that changed about me is how I deal with drama. Before the day I got back home without my father I used to engage whole heartedly in different types of dramas. Boy drama, friends drama, family drama, anything you could think of. I just dealt dramaticly with every aspect of my life. No, I can't deal with drama. I don't even cry over random things as I used to do. I cry only because I miss my dad.
Another thing that changed "dramaticly" about me is how I do things. Before my dad's death I used to refuse doing things. Now, I just do them. I am on auto-pilot mode. And though this seems good, but it is not really. For instance I am having troubles at work because of the fact that I wasn't created to do that job. Yet, I am just doing it. The mistakes I do put me under pressure, I hate myself for doing such mistakes and I hate how others use them against me, yet I am doing it on a hope that practice makes perfect.
How I am dealing with pressure is another thing that changed about me. I look at pressures, take a deep breath and just move on. It is ok to live with stress, and saddness won't kill me as I thought it might.

The last thing that changed about me is thinking about death. Before dad, I have always wanted to live. I have always thought that there are things I am missing in life, now I don't.
I don't really care about living anymore. I think it is ok if i died. There is nothing I am missing out on this life.


March 26, 2017

Today's Confession

He makes my heart melts. In ways that I never thought possible.

He makes my heart melts. He soothes my soul.


February 16, 2017

On Freedom

Freedom is a scary thing. 

People never think of freedom in terms of responsibility. 

Freedom is a scary thing. 

February 14, 2017

A Valentine's Day Thought

When Daddy died all my men kept their distance. No one showed up. They offered "remote" support. In fact they offer "text" condolences and disappeared.
I waited for them to show up, I needed them to show up. Yet they left me alone.

My friends on the other hand showed up
 Each and every one of them. Even those I have lost contact with for ages, and those I barely know. I was showered with love.
While the men I gave all my love to denied me a little in return.

One of them later on told me that he didn't come because he thought i might not be able to act wisely. He feared that i might have cried in his arms or something like that. He feared we/ he would have needed to explain why of all other people I chose his arms to cry in.

I didn't cry in anyone's arms.

And I was showered with love he couldn't afford giving me. 

February 10, 2017

Post-loneliness

Last night I cried myself to sleep. I wasn't lonely, I stopped feeling lonely. I cried because life was way unbearable. And I couldn't find ways to deal with it.
I had a squence of nightmares, he was there and all my insecurities was there too.

I am alone. It is ok, but sometimes life is way too unbearable. 

January 17, 2017

Lessons of Change

Though I don't like writing about "him" yet there is something that I have learned being with him.
It is simple, intuitive yet worth writing about, you don't have to stick to a person who makes yoi sad. A good relationship is the one you will always remember positively. A good relationship has its up and downs but on the overall, you will always feel positive about it.

This might need elaboration. Maybe later, but for now always remember, if your memories together aren't happy ones, if you don't long for more of said happiness then you are on the wrong track.

January 11, 2017

Crystal Clear

One of the things I learned about me and my relationships' pattern is that I am the problem not men.
They had their share and everything. But it is me who can't settle. I get bored and I start nagging.
I nag for whatever I know I can't get. I nag not because I want it or need it, I nag because I am bored.
Why bored? I Have no idea.

I am starting to see myself in a different light and I am starting to hate myself.

For the 1st time I realize that when H called me "green" he was right. And I was totally stupid to feel fresh being called "green".

Nothing is good about an unripe fruit.

I am tired. And it is a long road to go. I am loving the light but I hate what it made me see.

I am scared. I know I have always been scared but this time I am scared my bad old habits will kill the light. I don't want boredom to kill the light.

I love the light. 

December 31, 2016

Changing Tides

A single sentence that changed a course of life:

"I am not planning to leave here/you/this.."