July 26, 2017

The Little Things

I don't remember exactly how and when I broke free from the "I want to get married" corner. The last thing I remember was H, and how "perfect" he seemed to be. I wanted to marry him. Then he said he isn't the marriage type. I started exploring other forms of relationships. I wanted to be with him. I kept thinking of ways, I tried my best to compromise. But it didn't work. He married someone else. It felt as bad as the sentence sound back then. It took me years to understand his motives. It took me years to feel ok that he is with someone else. But something happened in those years. I turned nihilist. The absurdity of life some how is heavier than what I can take. And I just can't think of committing anymore. I can't do home/ kids.
Sometimes I wonder whether or not those feelings are authentic. Because regardless my feelings towards marriage I still want a stable relationship. I still crave the little details. The morning texts, the random calls, the outings, birthdays, the safe company. I am still wanting a tomorrow with someone without worrying that he will leave. I want to fight without fearing it will end the relationahip.
I want details, lots of details.

I want a future

I need a promise ... 

July 19, 2017

Jealousy

I used to get jealous. I used to feel the heaviness of competition. Then I met him. And I realized that I shouldn't feel threatened by other women. There will always be other women but their presence isn't a threat to me.
I am ok the way I am, I am loved for who I am.
I realized that it is men who compete to get to me and I shouldn't ever worry or feel threatened.

The things is he left, but that didn't change a thing. I am loved for who I am. I am not in competition with someone else.

There will always be other women. But none of them will ever be me.

July 18, 2017

3 A.M. Thoughts

Sometimes I wonder whether he ruined me beyond fixing or fixed me beyond ruining.

July 14, 2017

Anger

He said that I needed a fight so he gave me what I needed. I denied that I was looking for a fight yet kept fighting.
He listened, he doesn't usually listen.
He listened because I was angry and he wanted to know why I was so angry.
I am angry because he stalled when I was ready and because I stalled when he was ready.
I am angry because others did the things he was supposed to do. I am angry because he had known these things since forever and he chose not to do them.
I am angry because i know he did the right thing. Yet i can't help being angry every time someone else does smth i wanted him to do.

I am angry .. and i can't stop fighting.

June 20, 2017

Devastated

Sometimes I think that if it weren't for my persistence I wouldn't have had any relationship with any of the ex's.
I know it is good to think that they have chosen to keep me around because they valued me regardless the end of relationship. But the truth is, I worked to keep them. I walked the whole way to keep them.
The thruth is none of them "returned". I am the one who haunted them to get them back.

The truth is, this realization is so devastating.


June 13, 2017

One fine Monday

I have a sort of obsessive compulsive thing. Some thoughts -negative thoughts-  take over my mind. I just can't help it. And it takes me lots of work to keep it checked. It drains me.
I try not to tell those thoughts to anyone for many reasons. I try not to act upon those thoughts ( i usually fail).
Anyway, those obssessive compulsive thoughts put me under lots of stress. The stress of the thoughts itself and the stress of trying to keep it to myself.
That Monday was seemingly just another day. On the surface I was a totally "normal" person. But I wasn't. That Monday marked the end of a week of an obsessive thinking. I was finally relived of the burden of both the thought and trying to keeping it at bay.
That Monday I had plans that got canceled. And an unplanned meeting with a person that I didn't really want to meet.
That Monday I was tired, I was out of form emotionally, mentally and physically.
That Monday I spilled parts of how stressful my week was because of the thought. He made a joke about it that I took seriously.

That Monday was how it ended.

I had a thought that I couldn't calm, I secretly acted upon the thought for a week. When I finally realized how pathetic I was, I started talking about it.
I didn't realize then that my obsessive thinking isn't really as funny as i think it is.

Actually it isn't funny. It is stressing and draining. I make fun of it because I make fun of everything in life.

I have obsessive compulsive thinking. And sometimes (oftenly) it drasticly affect my life. 

May 20, 2017

Guilt

He keeps listing my blessings. He said that I shouldn't be that sad. I have no "obligations" in life except to the things I choose.
I have no father, no mother, no children and no husband. I have the freedom every one longs to.
He also mentioned how lucky I was in my choices. He reminded me how easy my life is compared to everyone I know.

He reminded me of things I know.

He reminded me that my life isn't missing a thing, not even him.

I am free, lucky and my life is easy.

I feel guilty when I pity myself over trivial things

May 19, 2017

Out of Character

Seven months ago I got strange phone call from someone I never comfortable around.
The phone call seemed "benign", it was full of the regular "I want the best for you" nonsense.
But I got one feeling that day. The phone call was to let me know something. A piece of info that would have pissed me off.
Actually I got pissed off, but for the 1st time in my whole life I didn't act upon it.
I totally ignored the leaked info.
Lots of things happened since then, most of it wasn't going to happen had I acted how I usually acted.

Right now I am not sure whether or not I have done the right thing. All I know is that I have acted out of character.
I have been acting out of character. And I don't know whether it is a good thing or a bad thing

May 15, 2017

Another ode to "H"

There is a good reason I love "H". I love how he is the only person who could help me snap out of a thought. He doesn't do it instantly, on the contrary. All what he ever does is offering me a different logic. He never pushes, he never even attempt convincing me. He just states what's obvious to him and let my obsessive compulsive thinking do the rest.
One of the things he casually mentioned was the fact that I have been stressing about being old in the time I am not. He said that given the average ages now I am expected to live more years than what I already lived.
Didn't I know such a fact? Off course I did.
I know that people live to their 80s these days, and with advances in medical care they will live not only longer but also with a good quality of life.
So, why so obssessed with age?
It wasn't until he stated the obvious when I started digging deeper on why I am having these tboughts and when did they start.
I discovered that it all started with the egyptian political turmoil in 2011. I started feeling unsafe, and everything led to another. I tried inventing new safety nets, those safety nets started failing and I started a loop of panic.

This panic ended just by a random line stating the obvious.

So .. to H ♥️♥️♥️

May 14, 2017

Unbearable lightness of being

I am not feeling ok. I feel stretched thin. I could list why I am feeling so. But I don't have the energy to do.
I don't want to tell anyone I know about how I feel, because I have no energy to handle the cliches or the indifference.

I am not feeling good. Life is too futile to live. There was times when I wished I could just sleep for few years then get back to living. These days I just want to go to sleep and never wake up again.

Why do we live?

Why are we here?

It is totally futile.