November 21, 2015

November 15, 2015

Random Messages - 9

I eventually win.

I know that all what I ever needed was to wait, work a little harder and wait again.

It always worked. Yet by the time I eventually win I am usually way too exhausted.

By the time I get the things I worked too hard to get and waited to long to see, I don't really have the energy to enjoy neither them nor the joy of accomplishment.

Yet, I keep doing it.

I will always win, regardless how irrelevant it will eventually be.

November 14, 2015

Random Messages - 8

He makes me feel young and capable.

And this is sad in ways that shouldn't be explained.

November 04, 2015

Random Messages - 6

Dear Him,

I love you. Yet I know it is never going to work.

And you know what, it is totally ok.

I love you, It isn't going to work and I am ok with it. I hope you too are! 

October 31, 2015

Random Messages - 5

I am just lonely. It has become the new norm.
It is just like a huge monster is crushing my heart mercilessly.

I keep breathing. I keep doing what I always do. I keep looking around for friends, I keep writing, I keep making a fool of myself, I keep begging for things I know no one wants to give me, and I keep getting shut off.

I am at a point where I don't know exactly what's crushing my heart more, loneliness or the constant rejection. I don't know which is worse, having things to say & no one to listen to, or just pouring those things in random ears anyway.

I am lonely .. I miss having someone to talk with. I miss having someone who listens to my crazy ideas, someone who will listen to the same old story till I get to the new moral.

I am lonely .. and I don't really know how to undo this. 

October 22, 2015

Random Messages - 4

Dear him

In case you ever wondered what happened and why did I have to leave the way I did. 

I couldn't tolerate how you treat me anymore. And it isn't how you treat me, treat me in general. It is how you treat the female in me.

My dear, you are demeaning!

Everything you do, everything you say and every way you try to fix what the things you said & did, is demeaning. 

You panic! The moment you feel like I might be interested in you, you panic. And your panic is demeaning. You constantly put me in a position to defend myself and deny that I have feelings for you and this is demeaning.

Why is it demeaning I had to use the word too much?

Because I do have feelings for you! 

Because you have been the happy thought that gets me through my lonely nights.

Because at a moment you were my light at the end of the first tunnel

Because all of the above never meant I would ever want a relationship with you.

Wanna know why?

Because I deserve way more than what you have to offer.

Because I want more than a casual grey relationship

Because I need a man not a ghost and I need to feel loved and appreciated not just an on call sex buddy. 

Dear him, 

I have feelings for you yet I never wanted a relationship. And every time you panic at the idea that I might be wanting a relationship a part of me dies. 

I might be loving you, but I love myself more .. I had to leave.

October 21, 2015

October 19, 2015

Random Messages -2

Dear him

I love you. But you make me feel bad about myself. 

This has to end!

October 18, 2015

On Wait

People come around. They will all eventually do. Those who argued your political views, those who disagreed with your opinions. They always come around. There is always a moment when they confess that you were right. There is always a day when they preach the things you preached. And they will want the things you wanted years before. They will eventually pursue the relationships they declined, they will show the love you desperately needed.

People will eventually come around, and all what you have to do is wait on them to do.

Yet wait is the most expensive option as life might not wait on you.