September 16, 2016

Loss - 7

I am doing everything my father wanted me to do. I spent most of my life resisting him. I refused to conform to whatever "right" he wanted me to do. Now, after he's gone I found out that resisting him and not conforming were nothing but a privilege.
I had the option of resisting because he was there willing to hold a moving train for me till I make up my mind wether to jump aboard or stay behind.
He is gone and I have no choice but to jump aboard that train. As staying behind is a privilege that I can't afford right now.

September 07, 2016

Loss - 6

Almost two months later and it still feels like a dream.

It is a very bad dream.

I want to wake up.

August 31, 2016

Emptiness


Some of my best writings are wasted on emails. I know they are among my best writings because they are always honest, they are always uncensored and most importantly they are always loaded with emotions.
Why I think they are wasted on emails? Well, I don't really believe they are wasted. Just sometimes certain ideas are really good I wish I was able to use them in a bigger project.
An example of these ideas is how i described the feeling of emptiness. People usually think that emptiness is a shallow feeling, or maybe emptiness makes one shallow. But I think emptiness is so profound. It is even profounder than pain. That said, I think happiness is shallow. Think about it, regardless how happily you feel happiness never touches as deep as sadness does. It is like pain can get to the roots of your soul. Pain can reach where it is all dark and scary. Pain is pain because it can touch where happiness can't.
Emptiness is profounder because if pain can touch the roots of your soul, emptiness is the said roots. Emptiness is where there is absolutely nothing. No joy, no pain and no life. When you are empty you can't feel a thing. When you are empty you seem alive, as you breathe, talk, walk and do what "alive" people do you will be constantly mistaken to be alive but when you are empty you are not alive because what's life without feeling.

I will be ok.

I know one day I will wake up and I will be able to engage in trivial drama. I know one day I will wake up angry at a man I love. I know one day I will wake up with new attachments, with new hopes and fears.
I know one day I will wake up and say life is futile while wanting it to have a meaning, but till this one day come life is meaningless, and I am feelingless.


August 21, 2016

Thirty Seven





Seven years ago, on the eve of my birthday and while I was preparing myself to cross into the thirties my grandpa died. I remember that day so good because I had a good day till the point I got the call telling me that he’s gone.

I had plans to celebrate turning thirty, and for an unknown reason or probably just regular excitement I celebrated early.

I spent my birthday crying my late grandpa and replaying the last months that lead to his death. He was ill, he was in and out of hospitals to many times. He was once in the ICU and everyone thought he won’t make it but he did. Then his doctor suggested he should have an operation. According to his doctors his chances of life and death were equal whether he had the operation or not but had the operation succeeded he will be able to live for many years to come.

I saw my grandpa a day before the operation. Something inside me kept telling me that we are saying our last goodbyes. In that day my grandpa was in a relatively good shape, sometimes I wish I voiced the idea that crossed my mind when I saw him and the he shouldn’t be having this operation anyway as long as he seems to be improving.

He died in the eve of my thirtieth birthday. Yet he wasn’t the 1st grandparent to do it. His wife (my maternal grandma died two days ahead of my 16th  birthday). And three years after his death my paternal grandma dies three days ahead of my birthday.


I remember how sad my father was when my grandpa died. I remember that he just went to the hospital though he knew he won’t do anything. He just wanted to be there.  Yet I remember that he brought me a gift and gave it to me. I remember him saying that my grandpa died yet it is my birthday. I remember him giving me the gift and saying: “happy birthday Misho”.


I didn’t know back then that seven years later I will spend my birthday thinking of this exact situation trying to figure out what lesson did my dad intend by giving me this gift in that time.
Did he want me to know that regardless how deeply he is grieving the loss of my grandpa yet he loved me more, or did he want me to know that life should always trump death?

I keep thinking of this very incident as I am passing the 37th line while grieving my own father’s death. My father didn’t die on my birthday; he died a little over a month earlier and a little over a month after his 73rd birthday.

I keep thinking what would my dad do, and what would he want me to do?

I can’t claim that I am starting my 38th year feeling lost, because whatever feeling I am going through since my daddy’s death is more profound than words.


My 37th year was rough, even before daddy passed away. My years start with my birthday and the 37th year started we a huge fight with someone whom I used to consider a close friend. A fight that led to more fights over the course of the year and eventually to the end of the said friendship. Later on my writing dream came to an “expected” hold for reasons I foresaw yet had nothing to do to stop or change. I also got into a sort of relation with Mr. “Don’t count us as a relationship”. “Him” was an eye opener. How I opened up to experiment getting lost into something that I knew better than even attempting to seriously consider. And how doing so opened up space for novel ideas and feelings.

A definitive moment was him asking me about a certain someone, and how his seemly innocent question made me realize that I was never really over that certain someone and my feelings for him had been the same. My feelings for that certain someone remained as fresh and as intense regardless how many years passed since “we” were over and regardless everything I did to get over him. I even still tremble every time I remember how I felt facing that question.

And though it seems that I have enjoyed the discoveries that “no relation” with Mr. “don’t count me as relationship” yet it was rough. I still got many questions unanswered. And he/ it left scratches that will need time to heal and might lead to complications.

But what made my 37th year really rough was the idea that I am going to lose my dad. He had several health issues that kept me on my nerves. Ironically nothing I worried about killed him, what killed him was something no one would see and even worse something that no one could stop.


He died anyway, and now I am starting my 38th year without him.
I have no safety nets. I am officially a grownup.



P.S.

The birthday test never fails. Only those who love you will remember. And only those who love you will make the call regardless how inconvenient the circumstances seems to be.
Only those who love you will show their love because they know that love conquers all.


August 10, 2016

Loss - 5

I keep saying that I will be ok. Actually I am ok most of the time. I am ok because miraculously my memory decided to erase years of my life. I technically find it hard to recall simple information like my birthdate and where I live.

I am ok as long as I don't remember that I ever had a father. The moment I remember that is that moment I am not ok. And by not ok I mean that I feel suicidal. I know I am not going to commit suicide (I am not there yet) but I feel like life is futile. I can't take how absurd it is.

I am not ok. I know it is a process. I know that I will find my way out of it. I just don't know when, or how.




August 01, 2016

Loss - 4


Did I ever take my father for granted?

I don't know. I will never know because he isn't there to answer the question. Actually this is a question that I was never ever going to ask him.

I used to ask him other types of questions. My Dady "was" a knowledgeable person, so even in the age of google I would simply ask him about stuff. Random stuff, I would ask dady 1st then ask google.

I asked him about almost everything in this life.

One of the many things that scares me now is that I will always have to find the answers myself. I will always have to be sure I got the answers right because Dady isn't here anymore to validate me.

Which leads to another "important" conclusion. I think I never needed validation from people because I had Dady's validation. People always saw me as strong and confident, now I strongly believe they saw me this way because I always acted in the light that there is a strong safety net that will catch me if I ever really fall.

Did I ever took my father for granted?

Off course I did! And he was totally happy I did.

I think the father/ child relationship is the only relationship that function on the taking the other party for granted. It is the safety of having someone stuck with you no matter what you do to them.

A safety that no one will ever be able to match.


July 28, 2016

Loss -3

I keep replaying the last week before my dady's death. I am trying to figure out whether or not he knew he was going to die.

I keep finding clues and hints. Things that could be interpreted as signs of being ready to leave. Yet I keep finding other hints and clues that he had no idea.

Replaying the incidents of our last week I discovered that my dad had always been ready to leave. He always knew he is going to die and always acted accordingly.

I will never be able to tell for sure whether or not he knew he is approaching his end line.

He knew that death was inevitable. He knew it could happen any time for any reason. He always knew that and he always acted accordingly.

July 25, 2016

Loss - 2


It feels like a dream, not only his death but rather my whole life feels like a dream now. 


July 21, 2016

Loss -1

I have a constant feeling that I am dreaming.
I have a constant feeling that I will wake up to dady calling my name.

The only thing that's annoying me is that there are so many details in this dream.

Only reality is that detailed.


July 01, 2016

That Feeling


I am somewhere between angry and sad. I feel deeply insulted. He insulted me. The whole
"Thing" could have been a nice memory if it weren't for how he decided to end it.

I am not stupid, yet somewhere down the road I learned to never let a man of the hook. When he started having an attitude, I started ignoring it. I wasn't going to give him what he wanted. He wanted me to fight for a definition so he could have an excuse to tell me "you don't deserve a definition you are nothing but a fling".

I wasn't going to fight for a definition, because I didn't want one. I was happy playing along. I am low maintenance. I learned how to not want things even if I deeply need them. 

Anyway, so I didn't give him what he wanted. So, he did it anyway. He said all the things to make it clear that I am nothing but a desperate aging worthless woman. 

And he was smart enough to say it without actually saying it. 

And no, It wasn't in my head. And it isn't "defeat" because I don't feel defeated. I feel disappointed. 

I don't feel disappointed because I think what he said was true. I feel disappointed because he had to say it.

I am sad not only because it ended. I am sad because how it ended. 

It could have been a nice memory, but he made sure he ruined it for both of us.

I am not desperate. I didn't do him out of desperation. I did it out of hope. 

I did it to explore new territories. 

I did it to grow. I need to grow emotionally and he seemed like someone who would open new horizons for growing. But he ended up insulting me. 

I am not desperate. I am smart, I am beautiful, and I am sexy. I don't do things because I am desperate, and I am not nice out of fear. I do things because I like exploring things, and I am nice because I don't like people to hate me. I know they will hate me anyway, so I try not to give them enough excuses. 

I am not desperate. But right now, I am pathetically sad!

And this needed to be said out loud so I could forget and forgive and move on.