March 29, 2016


I rarely give people ultimatums. I don't believe they are an effective way to get things done. I don't act friendly when I am given an ultimatum and I would usually act against it just because I don't like to be pushed around.

Yet, I give myself ultimatums. A lot! It is how I get myself to do things. Sometimes I ease them a bit, sometimes I grant my pathetic self several second chances. But the thing is, the moment I give myself an ultimatum is the moment I know that a certain something should be done and regardless how hard I will try to go around it, it will eventually happen.

It will eventually happen, and all what I have to do is let be.

And on a side note, there are no better ends. All ends are bitter.

It is too bitter I need to spit!

March 28, 2016


There is a scene in “Meet the Focker's” that sets the benchmark for how I define a perfect relationship or “real love”. There stood Ben Stiller (playing Greg) on a stage while drugged with “truth serum” saying “I still masturbate to Pam”.

If I will ever be in a relationship, I would definitely want to be with the man who will still be masturbating to me years into our relationship.

March 19, 2016

Random Messages - 29

The saddest part of the story is that he ran away when I showed him my vulnerabilities.

It is really sad when the brave ones turn coward! 

March 15, 2016

Fixing the Bayonet!

Where should I begin?

I am not feeling ok. I am not emotionally stable. And I can't remember if I ever felt the same way before in my whole life.

I am not feeling ok. And I don't really have the courage to talk it out to anyone. 1st no one would care, and the last thing I want now is to deal with cliches. 2nd, I have lost a lot of my ability to confront. I don't want the people involved in my current status  to know about how I feel, or how they make me feel. Hence I can't even blog my feelings as I have always done. Because maybe someone who doesn't care will pull a cliche after accidentally reading the post or worse, someone who has failed me get to learn the mess I feel which will create a bigger mess.

So, what would a smart girl do?

Eating, spending and watching movies.

Today was slightly heavier than the regular heavy days, so I pulled  out "band of brothers" from my hat of tricks. I usually watch band of brothers when I need a push to keep fighting or to be more accurate when I need a push to keep breathing.

As I watched, and though I know every scene by heart, it was the 1st time for me to notice the bayonets.
Bayonets are knives that can be fixed on your weapon. While fixed, you can't shoot straight with your gun yet in critical battles, when the chances you get out powered are high you fix your bayonet on your weapon as a last resort.

There was a scene at a crossroad. And the Captain told his soldiers to fix their bayonets. It was a critical fight, they were out-numbered, and out-powered. Accuracy of the shots weren't a priority, taking as much enemies down was.

They were lucky, they didn't lose the battle yet you can't say they won it. They lost a man and 22 others were wounded. And that was a favorable outcome.

They were trapped, they fixed the bayonets and fought as much as they could till they were out of that trap.

I am trapped. I am in a dimmed place. I can't say it is dark because there is light. But it is a very faint light, it is creating more illusions than it is showing me the way.

I am trapped in a dimmed place. And I think I should fix my bayonet.

Who knows, maybe I will be lucky!

March 13, 2016

Where Are We Now?

My First man's name was Ahmed. When I met Ahmed I thought he will be my first and my last. When I met Ahmed I believed love is a "forever" thing. Then it didn't work out. And the next man I met I thought he would be the last but that didn't work either. 
I moved from one "last" man to one last man. And with every last man I believed that he will be my first "love" as love is a "forever" thing. 

With every "last" man I look for a "first" man .. 

Love is for forever. You are only the first if you are the last ... 

March 07, 2016

Confessions - 8

I was going through some of my Dotmsr articles and I realized that writing bi-weekly about relationships made me more emotionally stable than I ever was in my life.

I was on the top of my "love life game". I didn't slip into a lot of so obvious emotional traps. Back then I thought my new emotional support system is working. But right now, I think it was the bi-weekly articles that keeping me sane. (as the emotional support system is intact yet it doesn't seem to work anymore)

I don't know what made writing save me from the slips. Whether it was because I was doing something that I deeply love or because I constantly thought/ read about relationship mechanisms. Whatever the reason was, the moment I stopped writing was the moment I slipped into a "classical" trap. I am up to my ears in it. I even can't write my way out of it.

I am screwed! A couple of months ago I wouldn't have been so.


March 02, 2016

Confessions - 7

I just discovered that my dating pool is missing a Jew. I have done Muslims (all types of them), a Christian (YES! I Did!) and I did atheists. I need a Jew to complete the collection. Maybe a buddhist too.

Contenders? :)


I missing writing. A lot.