January 28, 2010

S.G. misses her ex

I had a bad day. It wasn’t my first and it won’t be my last. I am afraid to sound too cynical if I said it was just a bad day preceded by 30 bad years. But it was a bad day. I went to the dentist and things weren’t that good. Another tooth needed an endodontic treatment and this wasn’t really what made the day bad. I laid there on the dreadful chair for 2 hours, while he kept trying to get to a hidden nerve. The one that made me shiver every time he got close to it. To be accurate not just shiver, the pain was too intense it resembled being electrically shocked. He went deep and there was lots of blood. And because the 1st and large anesthetic shot wasn’t enough he had to give me another two. One of them in the canal itself (injection sites are still sore after 2 days!). It was torture at best. And to top it he told me that the ulcers I am having in my mouth aren’t really a dental problem. They are stress related. He paused and said in a hinting tone “it is psychological”.

Let’s just say that my dentist visit was intense. And if I weren’t 30 years old I would have cried my heart out of pain and loneliness. But because I am wiser I thought of giving a friend a call. And because it was a bad day my friend didn’t answer.

So, I did what I usually do. I sent a message to my other best friend regardless I knew he won’t be able to sympathize with me instantly and though what I needed at that moment was a two sided conversation.( what I really needed was a hug and someone who makes tomorrow sound as a promise). Nothing is worse than sending a message while not sure if you will ever get back a reply in time. A reply is always appreciated but it is just the timing that makes all the difference. One sided conversations are on the top of the list of the things that make me emotionally drained.

So, I swallowed as much pain killers I could, I took my antibiotic and I ate regardless I wasn’t really supposed to do. I tucked myself into bed after losing hope that my friend will call me back or contact me in anyway.

It wasn’t the first time to have a bad day and it wasn’t the first time to get to bed feeling like that. I would usually text him, my friend, in the middle of the night to tell him whatever silly thought is keeping me off sleeping. Yet recently this wasn’t enough anymore basically because my friend became more unavailable. He is more silent and he is always busy. Something changed and I would have gone further explaining what changed, or why. But he is reading this. And if I wanted to talk about that change I would have told him. But seriously talking won’t make it any better. It will make it worse because he thinks I complicate things with my obsession about details. And he thinks that I am fighting for exclusivity, which I can’t deny, but he thinks that exclusivity is a new ground that I want to conquer in the time I am just fighting back for something that I had and lost. Big difference!

Anyway, it was a cold night. And cold nights aren’t really my favorites. A cold night makes me feel like a frozen chicken. Not only I am dead, but I am freezing inside out. I was fighting the toothache, the frozen chicken feeling, loneliness and many feelings that I can’t mention when it hit me. I miss my ex.

And the ex here isn’t the infamous HH. This blog is full of posts about HH and posts about Brad, I wouldn’t really call Brad an ex but he once counted himself among my ex’s so he is (and I am writing this because I know he is reading this too so just in case he decided to deny he is an ex), but I barely talked about the only near decent relationship I ever had.

Sometimes I am really surprised that the reason I created this blog in the 1st place was to communicate my feelings after that relationship. And I ended up talking about everything else. Maybe it is denial, or maybe it is just my way to move on. I gathered all the memories, good & bad, and put them in a box and threw the box away. If anyone asked me about him I would say that I don’t remember which isn’t true. I remember enough to make me not remember.

I remember how it ended. I remember that I saw it coming and I couldn’t stop it. I remember being all alone in it. Because that relationship was a mistake that everyone warned me about. And when it went bad everyone pulled the “I have told you so” card. It ended badly because of things none on this earth know but me and him. Broken is a light term to describe my state at that time.

I remember how good it was enough not to want to remember it. I remember every single detail. I remember how hard I had to fight to get him back in my life. I remember how crazy I have gone. I remember how harsh I was just to settle my scores. I remember the last thing he said after the “bitch” made sure he sipped from the same glass he made me drank. He said that I never loved anyone but myself. He was in pain, and I was satisfied. He hung up that day saying that when I need him I know where to find him. And he knows that I will never call. And he was right I was too proud to call back. I made sure he believed that I moved on and that I am in love with someone else. I made sure to make him feel that I have chosen someone over him. Because that was exactly what he’d done to me. It was fair and square and the box was closed and thrown away. And I didn’t feel that I miss him.

That process would have failed if I didn’t have that friend in my life. I met that friend a couple of weeks after that breakup. I was suicidal. I did nothing but crying, praying and plotting plans. There are much details into it that I can’t let out yet. It is all in the box. But I wouldn’t have been able to throw that box away if I didn’t have that friend in my life.

And now, as I feel the weight of his withdrawal more and more it is all coming back to me. For the surprise I discovered what I was doing before having him. I was in love, crazily in love. And my ex was the person who listened to the crazy thoughts in the middle of the night. My ex was the person I bugged, my ex was the person who kept me company, and my ex was my happy thought. And when he was gone, my friend gave me better support. He saw me through the process of being a person after being wreckage.

And now I had a bad day and I ended up missing my ex. The pain isn't numbed anymore and apparently I am not a whole person as I thought I was. I am just wreckage waiting for a good blow of wind to be scattered everywhere. I feel the wind and there is no shelter.

January 26, 2010

The Story of X & Y (a re-take)

Y: (breaking the silent prayer for faith) I want you, I wanted you.

X: (still walking away)

Y: It wasn’t only your reaction that held me back

X: (still walking away but in a slower pace)

Y: I wasn’t sure I can afford the risk. I wanted you from the very first day. But each day made me closer to you and the closer I got the harder it was to let you go.

X: (stops but still not looking at y)

Y: I wasn’t sure if I can live without you so I settled for the nothing you had to offer.

X: expected!! Everything is always about “YOU”

Y: No, it wasn’t about me. It was never ONLY about me. If it was only about me I would have told you. I would have faced you with everything I felt. I would have kissed you when I wanted. But I didn’t. And it wasn’t just because I couldn’t afford letting you go.

X: (finally turning) so what was it that held you back?

Y: (in hysterical tears) I couldn’t afford to break your heart.

X: (silent, hesitant to take a step towards Y, standing still)

Y: (almost collapsing) It worth the risk. Please. Kiss me!

X: (in cold, indifferent tone) I can’t.

January 17, 2010

The Story of X & Y

After many years from now ....

X: You should have told me back then.

Y: it wouldn’t have made any difference

X: it wasn’t your call to make.

Y: and now you know. What difference this will make?!

X: silence

Y: I would have told you if I was sure. You knew and you didn’t do a thing. You are not stupid, you knew. I would have told if I was sure that the only thing that was keeping you from taking the step was fear or doubt. I would have told you if you were really that stupid. But you knew and I wasn’t sure.

X: You weren’t sure of how I would have reacted?

Y: no, I wasn’t sure if I can take this reaction. I was sure of your reaction, I wasn’t sure I could have taken it. I preferred to live on the doubt that maybe you had feelings for me and you were that stupid not to notice that I have them back. I preferred to live with a lie than facing the ugly truth.

X: I don’t think I am that cruel.

Y: So?!

X: (silently moving away)

Y: (silently praying for faith)

January 12, 2010


Y: You know, you are not my only failure.
X: I never knew I was one of your goals.
Y: Well, that explains why I failed!

January 05, 2010

Quote of the Day

"I do not mind lying but I hate inaccuracy." Samuel Butler

January 04, 2010

The Story of My Life :)

Meredith Grey: Okay, here it is, your choice... it's simple, her or me, and I'm sure she is really great. But Derek, I love you, in a really, really big pretend to like your taste in music, let you eat the last piece of cheesecake, hold a radio over my head outside your window, unfortunate way that makes me hate you, love you. So pick me, choose me, love me.

January 01, 2010

Quote of the Day

"Marriage should be a duet - when one sings, the other claps."