April 29, 2016

Random Messages - 35

I have been censoring myself for a while. At first I thought it is part of maturing, but today it feels more like a slow death.

April 22, 2016


There is something that people tend to forget often. When we ask for advice we are implicitly asking someone to judge us. We can't blame the said person when he does so. And we can't ask people not to judge us because they will anyway. People will judge us the same way we judge people.

Being judgemental is how we cruise through life. Judging people and situations is part of our decision making whether we admitted it or not.

We can't ask people to stop judging us, we can though try to help them to do it "rationally".

Random Messages - 34

What if I was never able to reciprocate it? 

April 20, 2016

On Healing


They say that healing is a self process. They say that you shouldn't wait for someone to fix you, because no one could fix you but you. They say that you shouldn't be waiting for a helping hand because you are the only one who could pick you up.

They say healing is a self process, and they are right to a great extent. Yet, healing leaves scars. Scars hurt. And putting scars to test, they usually tend to bleed again. 

The real test of healing is how we deal with a bleeding scar. A bleeding scar is nothing but a reminder that whatever we are doing used to hurt one day but now we are ok.

We are healed only when a little bleed is nothing but a little bleed.

Healing is all about perspective.

It is ok if your scars hurt, hurt means you have survived.

Just don't mind the bleed! 

April 10, 2016

Random Messages - 31

The thing was never that they left me for other women. The thing had always been that they have put me in competition with "lesser" women.

I am a fine woman, and I know it.

And I never mind if a man I like likes another fine women. I like competition. But choosing who I think is a "lesser" person breaks me deep.

I am a fine woman! Yet you are, in a way or the other, defined by your competition.

They, one way or the other, lessen me every time they choose a lesser person.

I am a fine woman!

April 07, 2016

On Death & Dying

Elisabeth Kübler-Ross's "On death and dying" was inspired by her work with the terminally ill patients. In  the book Ross introduced the, now widely known, model about the emotional stages of dealing with grief.
The model later was expanded to include (explain) different types of loss, like the death of a loved one or the end of relationship and so forth.

The model has helped a lot of people deal with their "post loss" status. Yet this model could shed a different light on pre-loss stage in love relationships.

There is a point in a relationship when one realizes that it is never going to work out. It is the moment one realizes that their love is terminally ill. And as we do with terminal illness, we attempt at different medications on hope it will help.

We know it is terminal illness yet we never fail to seek whatever treatment that could buy us more time. We buy time on a hope that time will save us. We buy time, on a hope that a miracle is there waiting for us and all we have to do is keep holding on.

And as we realize that whatever treatment we try is never going to bring us to the miracle we start getting angry, at the world, at ourselves and sometimes at God himself for having us to go through this.

Why me?

Why should I watch my love die?

But anger doesn't help and so we move on to compromise and we start bargaining. Maybe we could redefine the relationship? Maybe he needs more space? Maybe if i kept ignoring the signs and kept acting as if the love isn't terminally ill it will never die.

Maybe .. Maybe there isn't a miracle waiting, but we should create our own miracles, aren't we?

And as we fail depression prevails.

And we start getting ready to let it go. We start contemplating how it should end. We plot plans to make it easy. But we know it is never going to be easy.

Depression Prevails, and acceptance brings on some interesting questions.

Would you sign a DNR on your dying love?

Would you rather put the relationship on life support?

Would you ever be ready to pull the plug on your "dead love"?

How could you let go?

There are five stages of grief: Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and Acceptance. And it was never easy to go through them.

April 06, 2016


Long story short, I told him that I am no longer jealous because we are teammates which means other women are not competition anymore.

The idea of being teammates with a man is brand new. Not that "we" are real teammates, this is yet to be tested. But the mere idea of "coupling on basis of team-matting" makes one wonder could love ever be love with no "power struggles". Is it possible to navigate through a relationship without the regular fears of rejection/ loss .. etc.

The idea is new. The potential it brings is totally new.

Yet it is to be tested. He is yet to be tested.

Teammates, equal powers, no struggles, no fears => LOVE?!

Who knows!

April 03, 2016

The Right Now Paradox

On a scale of 1 to 5 how smart do you think I am?

Whatever your answer is, I am always smarter than what you think I am.

Yet, regardless how smart I am I will always do something stupid.

On a scale of 1 to 5 I am always stupid enough to fall in love, yet smart enough to realize how foolish that is.