January 21, 2012

Dear You

Here is the thing. Maybe I never closed my eyes to imagine me in a wedding dress next to you. I stopped dreaming of wearing that dress long time ago. But you know the places I have always wanted to go? The clothes I have been waiting to wear? The adventures that I have been reluctant to try? The whole life I have been wanting to live? I wanted to have them all with you!

January 14, 2012

On holding those lines …

There is a fact that most people ignore, the worst time of your life will always be the right now. Whatever bad you are going through won’t sound as bad later because somehow you will find a way. 
Somehow life will manage to throw you a bigger load of misery. And you know what, you will long for the good old days. The good old days that was never that good. Or you might be smart and long for tomorrow that your heart hopes will be better than the misery you are living today. But when tomorrow comes holding & failing all types of promises you realize there is always a catch. And life is in part misery as much as it is in part joy.

The point is, the worst of your times is always today. The best of your times is always today too.  

Deal with it!

January 11, 2012

Confessions – Is that much?

I have been trying to sugar coat my thoughts for a while. I have to admit that posting anything to this blog is turning to be a walk in a mine field. Whatever I write pisses someone off. I don’t like pissing the people I care about off, I am losing the skill of sugar coating and I don’t know how to walk in a mine field without having one exploding in my face.
Yet, this very thought needs to get out of my brain. I will take the chances and just do what I used to do. Spill it out and pretend it is to the void. Maybe, this time no mines will explode.

So, and without any further wasting of your precious time, I think by now most of you know that I have love problems.

Somehow, I was never lucky in love. As if I intentionally pick the wrong men. Because I am sure there are right men out there (Though right now my mind keeps telling me that they are all the same)

I used the term unlucky to try to spare you the long talk about how much of a loser I am, because as you know, I like to take all the blame. I don’t believe in luck. People make their own lucks. So when you are unlucky it simply means you are doing things wrong.

To cut a long story short, my men’s problem seemed to be marriage. All of them believed that I wanted to marry them. And the thought of marrying me was too scary.
They enjoyed the entertainment phase. I can be entertaining. But whenever the idea of a long-term/ serious relation appeared they simply disappeared.

Well, trying to walk a mile in their shoes. Maybe they had every right to be scared. I am scary! I am too much to be handled. I am emotionally messed up. Experts write articles to advise people to not to marry people like me.

Because, apparently, people like me are emotionally unhealthy. People like me will end up bringing all their issues into the relationship. And no sane person would like to marry into that!

But I won’t blame the wise people warning the human kind of emotionally crippled people. Because, you know, they have a point.

You can’t blame luck for your failures as much as you can’t blame wise people for stating the obvious.

But before I lose point and before you jump to the conclusion that I am just another girl who can’t find a husband.
This isn’t about how or why my men ran away from me because they assumed I wanted to marry them (which was true in most of the cases). It is more about the shape of the relationship I am currently looking for.

A friend once asked me couple of years ago what exactly do I need in a relationship. I said all what I need is safe company. I want a man who would spend part of his day communicating with me. Texting is fine, emails are ok, if he thought of calling this will be very good. A call every other week would be appreciated too.  Every now and then I would love to be dined and wined and an annual escape to enjoy total exclusivity.
There is also a level on intimacy that I would like to have fulfilled.

Safe company is all what I am asking for. And by safe I mean I want a guarantee that he will be there the next morning and that I don’t have to worry about other women or other things taking my place.

Just a level of commitment that tells me I am not just an entertainment. Is that much?

I didn’t ask for marriage. All what I asked for is, a daily communication of whatever sort, an occasional outing to enjoy the company and if possible a once a year one week vacation.

Nothing more …

Is that too much?