December 13, 2014
November 21, 2014
This needs to be said out loud!
I can't get over Mr. Abdullah's death. I am stuck between denial and anger.
I act like I have accepted it but I don't.
I keep thinking it is just a silly dream and I will eventually wake up. And when I realize that the silly dream is my reality I feel nothing but pure anger.
I never thought I would ever ask him this question ..
"Why did you come into my life? And why did you leave?!"
November 06, 2014
I get attached!
I get attached to people and I get attached to things.
I get attached to potential.
I get attached to hope.
It always end up bad.
I try not to get attached but I am just an orphan kitten looking for a sign of a promise that there will be tomorrow and there won't be pain.
November 04, 2014
I have been having this feeling for a while. I don't feel home while I am home.
I rarely go out. But sometimes when I do I don't feel like I want to go home.
Sometimes I wish time stops and I spend the rest of my life in a single moment.
I wanna go home!
October 18, 2014
I just wanted to share my little victories with someone who would be as excited as I am.
Not being able to do this. Not having a person who searches for signs of "my dream coming true" and being as happy as I am is killing something in me.
I am not sure whether this is good or bad.
But I have always imagined sharing little victories with someone who cares ...
Another fairy tale dead!
October 13, 2014
Then I dumped my job and started avoiding people who ask the "why you don't work" question.
Then I was too fat. I didn't realize I was too fat till "Brad" started listing the things he finds "off" in me.
I lost weight yet I never regained the appetite for people. I kept avoiding them.
October 12, 2014
It is like I am piling up emotions and dragging the piles around.
There is a huge pile called I misd Abdullah.
Another pile labeled defeat.
A pile named after H.
A pile of insecurities.
A pile of uncertainties.
A pile of fear.
And a huge pile of loneliness.
I keep moving around dragging all these feelings.
I have no idea how to deal with them.
October 04, 2014
October 03, 2014
* I need to know the reason behind my aggression and depression.
* The problem was never that I fail to attract men. I am a male magnet (I believe every woman is) but the problem starts after the initial attraction. They get closer and the moment the relationship gets cozy they run away.
It is either there is something terribly wrong with me for them to stay. Or I terribly scare them away.
Both ways I am terrible hence they run away!
* I was told that if I think I don't have a life, then who does?
Which is a good point. I have a super busy life. I dare to say it was fulfilling at many points.
I am just drained ... I don't know what do to or where to go.
* I don't give in to hugs. I keep saying I need a hug but I have been given random hugs by lots of random people.
I failed to connect. I failed to channel any kind of positive emotions.
September 27, 2014
September 09, 2014
I know I have been writing too much about myself lately. But I think I am blogging my feelings away.
So there was that moment, when at what was supposed to be a professional meeting gone bad, when the guy looked at me after almost 45 mins of trying to talk me out of an idea and said, you are smart and passionate. he said other things too, but I honestly shut off his "praise">
You know why?
Because I realized that I don't need his validation, the same way I didn't really need anyone's validation.
I know I seem to be begging for validation.
But honestly, I shut off the "praise".
I validate myself!
September 08, 2014
September 01, 2014
All what I want is a hug. It's becoming seriously annoying. I tease friends so they send me virtual hugs.
I don't want virtual hugs anymore.
And I don't want just another casual hug.
I need a deep hug. A hug that means something.
A hug that feels home.
I don't feel home anymore, I am constantly lost.
August 28, 2014
August 27, 2014
August 24, 2014
I wrote him a long email explaining why I had to decline his offer.
But I didn't send it.
I would have sent it if he asked.
I have done everything I could. I have walked the extra mile.
I think it is over ... but i am not sure if it is ok.
August 23, 2014
August 22, 2014
It was 2008 or maybe 2009 when I told Brad that my wish for the new year/ birthday is to have a healthy relationship.
It is 2014 and I still didn't get the healthy relationship I wanted.
I got lots of men but no relationships.
I got lots of desire but no feelings.
I am still trapped in the old corner of needs, wants and disappointments.
But it is ok ... it is ok.
I give up
August 20, 2014
I had an overwhelming year!
This overwhelmingly overwhelming year was courtesy of him.
July 22, 2014
July 19, 2014
July 17, 2014
The guy who followed HH and was right before Brad?
No he isn't back. I was just thinking that I might have broken his hreat in a way.
Well I didn't yet the last thing he ever said to me was " Shimaa you never loved me and you never loved anyone but yourself"
That was after I decided to ignore his call and take Brad's call.
I told him it was simple before that day he was my number one. But left me. His wedding was few days away. And he clearly stated that he can't be mine.
So Brad was a rebound, maybe not, but he was a decent chance at a decent relationship. Why would i turn it down?
And that wasn't few days after M breaking up with me. It was almost a year after. A year full of drama. A year where he did his best to hurt me.
Yet he had the guts to call me selfish!
Because I was attempting to mirror his behavior.
I just pushed him back in my priority list. I wasn't his number one, he didn't want me to emotionally depend on him ... etc.
So why so angry when I did what he wanted me to do?
I think he never thought i'd be able to move on. I loved him dearly. I did everything just to get back together. When we did he was surprised that though I still loved him yet that love was different.
My love was sore!
He couldn't get it as much as he couldn't get the fact that I have chosen to love him and be with him from a line of men.
He, for some reason, couldn't see any men in my future.
Well, I am still unmarried, all my men lovers and friends were sure I am not going to get married but that never meant I will never have other men. I still have men! I think I will always do.
Anyway, M wasn't the only man who couldn't get that I am always having someone in line waiting for me to say yes.
Maybe I was never a marraige material which made my men so sure that I will never be taken and it will always be safe to dump me.
A man can dump me then come back later and enjoy the ex's priviledge.
I kinda of lost point here ...
My love was sore and he called me selfish.
July 15, 2014
They would tell you lots of things about the female hormones.
They would warn you of mood swings and irritability.
They will portray it as a temporary thing.
A monthly wave of irrationality ...
Yet they miss to warn you of the hormones' logic.
Under the influence of your hormones you will start applying a different form of logic to analyze facts.
You start building on theories so strong.
What no one would dare saying outloud is the fact that hormones go but the theories you built stay.
Only the next time your hormones hit you will start acting explicitly based on them. For the rest of time, they are the undertone of everything you say or do.
July 14, 2014
So he died!
The man who gave me the most overwhelming year and a half in my life just died. One minute he was here and the other he was gone.
A month later, I still check his social media accounts the 1st thing in the morning as I have used to do for the last year and half.
Part of me is still waiting for him. I miss him in so many ways that I don't think anyone would get. And I am not really able to express.
I miss him ... He is dead.
No one comes back from the dead.
Before meeting him, I was living life one day at a time. I lost believing in "tomorrow". The past was full of pain the present was unbearable and consequently the future promised nothing less than what they had to offer.
Then he gave me a job, a chance and almost a daily dose of communication. Half the way of the project I was working on I started to realise that I have lost my attitude towards life.
I have been doing something that I love, and I have been working with someone who appreciates the little things I notice and make sure to let me know he has noticed me efforts and the points I bring onto the project.
Life was perfect. Even when I lost the man I loved like no one else. Life was still "liveable".
By the end of that project he gave me the best surprise in my life. He asked me to write to his new online newspaper. He said I am talented and I had something to say. He said that my blogs have good content.
He was who he was. What he said that night was one of the biggest confidence boosts I ever got in my whole life.
For a while after that, everything in my life seemed ok. All the pain, the broken hearts, the disappointments, the failures ... everything seemed ok because all of these added up to that moment of pure joy.
If it weren't for the pain, the heartbreaks and the disappointments I wasn't going to ever meet him.
He came into my life and suddenly .. It was full of meaning.
It was ok ...
I got published.
I had/ have a line of men waiting on me to say yes (still to sex but it didn't sound as bad because I was published!)
Life was perfect. I was happy. And I didn't want to hide it. Because I have been sad for God knows how many years.
Then he died ...
I am still published ... I still have the long line of men waiting on me to say yes (still for sex) some are ex's and some are new but it isn't ok anymore.
The long line of horny men isn't ok anyone. The yes or no aren't ideas that I would happily entertain as I think about the new article I am writing.
It isn't ok. It was never ok!
My life is made of wait and temporary fixes.
I have been waiting all my life for things. I have been persisting to get things done.
I have been living on temporary fixes till something happens.
If you can't find a good job, do whatever job you can find till something happens.
If your lover can't be the man you want him to be, do whatever till he comes around.
If you can't find someone to love you, do with whoever pretends he loves you while all what he wants is to jump into your pants.
Work, Wait and Persist! You will eventually do it!
The man you
And the best you can score of men are whores!
July 13, 2014
July 01, 2014
June 18, 2014
Sameh used to tell me that my problem is that I keep mixing between what I need and what I want.
He might be right because my list of needs includes lots of silly things.
* I need a hug. A squeezing hug. A hug that I didn't ask for.
Not only a hug. I need to be hugged by a man. Not my father, not my brother and not any of my uncles.
I need a squeezing hug by a man who loves me enough to take me into his arms and squeeze my fears and issues out of my bones.
* I need emotional safety. I need to be, again, liked for who I am. To be adored regardless my imperfections.
* I need not to nag or beg. I need things to go the way that I want without having to fight neither myself nor anyone else.
* I need fruitful talks. I need someone who puts me ahead of other things and maybe equally to himself. Again someone who isn't obliged to do it by blood.
I need a man. I could go about and say lots of things but deep down it is all about needing a man to genuinely love me.
I need to be loved the way I want. At least when I really need it.
I need a man ... but apparently the universe believes it is not a need. It is a mere "want" that could be skipped.
June 16, 2014
A couple of years ago I was watching Grey's Anatomy and I envied Meredith and the gang for having Dr.Webber.
I wanted to have my Dr.Webber too. I wanted someone to guide me without being controlling. Someone who would help me reach parts of my hidden potential and push me to find more.
I wanted my Richard Webber and God was kind and gave me Abdullah Kamal.
He died suddenly on Friday the 13th. His kind heart failed him and us.
I have spent years trying to explain loss to people but loss can't be explained.
No one would get it unless they walked down the same dark isle.
I know the drill. I have been there, I have done that.
And the worst part is ... it gets worse with time.
This too shall pass ... over my heart!
June 10, 2014
I have been writing all my life. When I started this blog it was a way to lighten the weight of the love life/ life drama.
Writing had been my therapist and my therapy.
Then my dream came true!
And finally I am writing and someone, somewhere is reading. Someone that I don't know of.
And that someone is judging me because I am the girl who wrote about the "Burden of Sex"!
You can find the article here: http://www.dotmsr.com/ar/204/1/17954/#.U5YoyhnfrqA
May 24, 2014
May 07, 2014
The story goes like this. He just fits. In every possible aspect. But he left.
Then someone comes along. He doesn't fit but he is going to stay.
What would a smart girl do?
What would I do?
May 05, 2014
It has been a year since I last met him.
A full year in a roller-coaster ride!
I am exhausted.
I have complicated my life in ways that I don't like to think about.
I thought it partially fixed me but I just realized missing him have screwed me in so many ways that can't be undone.
It has been a year and dating other men still tastes like cheating.
Life goes on but maybe the heart doesn't.
April 28, 2014
April 22, 2014
I think I should give up the whole writing thing.
I am making a fool of myself.
I am just a pathetic girl who is way too coward to face the world so she writes her worries down.
This shouldn't be called writing.
It is a pathetic act from a pathetic person.
I am mediocrity in flesh and bones.
April 01, 2014
So maybe he doesn't care if I mentioned his full name and maybe his phone number too!
And here is the point.
I am so predictable!
I will get angry, threat something really crazy that will make you regret even knowing me in the 1st place but I will actually do nothing.
The rule is, if I am really going to do anything. I won't be talking about it.
This is an old lesson that I have learned reading Adham Sabry.
You don't talk, you act then talk to the corpse!
As long as I am talking then I will do no harm.
I do no harm!
I am angry and brokenhearted!
I vent to the void!
This is what keeps me going!
March 25, 2014
And that “rating and reviewing” option seemed to be unleashing the “critique" in me.
February 26, 2014
It is really simple. I have been suffering for months. My heart is being crushed day in/ day out.
I have tried everything possible. I am even half a step away from fulfilling a childhood dream.
I ate. I shopped. I worked. I dated men.
I did everything I could do. Yet I am stuck.
And he is happy.
He is married. He is doing all the things he said he doesn't want to do.
I am stuck. I am struggling. I am in pain.
I am tired.
I don't even know how do I feel.
It is just painful.
I am stuck.
I am too old for this.
I am not supposed to be feeling this way.
I am stuck! And I am being crushed by my own feelings.
January 31, 2014
January 21, 2014
The point is I don't want to do any of the things I am doing.
I didn't want to do any of the things I have done.
But I have to keep doing. I have to keep trying. I have to move on. Because moving on is what rational people do.
Yet I don't want to. I didn't want it to end.
I wanted days with him. I wanted years of us sharing a bed, a couch, a cup of coffee, a book, a bath and a full life.
I wanted to have heated sex and discussions.
I wanted lots of things ... for the very 1st time in my life I knew what i wanted exactly.
But I have to move on. I have to keep doing all the things I don't want to do. I have to stay busy. I have to keep trying.
This is what rational people do!