April 24, 2017

That New Approach

One day I went out with my daddy but I got back home without him. Ever since that day my life haven't been the same.
I am not the same person anymore. One of the things that changed about me is how I deal with drama. Before the day I got back home without my father I used to engage whole heartedly in different types of dramas. Boy drama, friends drama, family drama, anything you could think of. I just dealt dramaticly with every aspect of my life. No, I can't deal with drama. I don't even cry over random things as I used to do. I cry only because I miss my dad.
Another thing that changed "dramaticly" about me is how I do things. Before my dad's death I used to refuse doing things. Now, I just do them. I am on auto-pilot mode. And though this seems good, but it is not really. For instance I am having troubles at work because of the fact that I wasn't created to do that job. Yet, I am just doing it. The mistakes I do put me under pressure, I hate myself for doing such mistakes and I hate how others use them against me, yet I am doing it on a hope that practice makes perfect.
How I am dealing with pressure is another thing that changed about me. I look at pressures, take a deep breath and just move on. It is ok to live with stress, and saddness won't kill me as I thought it might.

The last thing that changed about me is thinking about death. Before dad, I have always wanted to live. I have always thought that there are things I am missing in life, now I don't.
I don't really care about living anymore. I think it is ok if i died. There is nothing I am missing out on this life.