April 25, 2010
April 20, 2010
2010 seems to be the year of change. And I am not speaking climate here. I am speaking that my life as I know it is about to change which is probably just a feeling related to traces of an old hope to get through with the pending stuff on my to do list.
Even if eventually nothing really changed, 2010 will always be a mark for the end of a decade that I believe is the richest in my small life. In the last decade I met lots of people only few of them were really worth keeping. And out of the few worth keeping there was one whom I always considered myself lucky to know.
He is my most favorite Sameh. He is the newest of the very short list I call friends yet he is one of the closest to my heart. Which is the thing probably everyone knows yet I am never bored repeating.
The first time I met Sameh was on my birthday. And we were so close not to do. The thing that makes me wonders sometimes if destiny’s plan was for us to meet or not. Sometimes when he makes me so angry I think that whatever he is doing and making me that pissed off is a punishment for not just walking away that day. The rest of the time, I wonder how my life was going to be if I didn’t meet him.
He always says that we are two completely different mind sets, which is the thing I believe makes us good friends. He sees black and white. And he always refuses to admit that there is grey. He doesn’t believe in grey because grey is complicated and according to him life is simple or at least should be simple unless we complicate it.
I believe in nothing but grey because simplicity is a complicated art. So life comes in different shades, from bright almost white grey to the darkest almost black grey.
My point is we are different and this difference was never an obstacle for that friendship to grow. We are way past the honeymoon so I won’t dare to say that we never fight because we do. But I am certain that for every time I fought with him I got a step closer. Fights are like a crash course to get to understand the person better. And regardless my severe issues regarding fights Sameh gave me faith that people could fight and survive it. Even if they didn’t get to a solution because neither of them understand what was behind the fight in the 1st place. But a little bit of letting go from each side makes life better. Patience is one thing that he taught me. His preferred strategy is wait, see then act. My preferred strategy has always been act, act then see and never wait.
I think his prespective made me wiser as his presence made my life easier.
He's been my happy thought for years.
I wish I could find words to describe exactly what he's been to me but I don't think I will ever find words or if words will ever be enough.
But there is one thing I am sure of, if everything eventually changed in 2010 I don't want "us" to change. I want after another 35 years to tell more audience about that one person who is so important in my life. The one person I knew in a decade that almost shaped me into the person I am. The one person who was worth keeping.
So, to my best friend in his 35 birthday.
To differences that complements.
To those who are worth keeping.
And to flaws and tolerance.
Happy Birthday Mo7a
There is no cake, I want a real one this time ;)
April 01, 2010
Y finally facing X
Y: Here is the thing. The problem, our problem, was never that I didn’t have the courage to tell you. It was never that I wasn’t sure of how I feel, or how you would have reacted to how I feel. The problem has always been that we both knew. We both knew that the step I took towards you that morning was the end of my hesitation and the start of yours.
And because we both knew, I never tried to face you with what I know you knew. Because facing you would have meant that you will have to decide and I knew you enough to know that your decision will always be the safety of pushing me away.
I chose the indecisive state because I was aware of the games both our minds were playing. And I believe you were aware too but you have always denied them.
So, you don’t get to blame me for not telling you back then. Blame no one but yourself because you knew. You were aware that it is you who I really wanted. You knew that I needed a spoonful of you in my life and I believe you needed a spoonful of me in your life too. But you had other plans of having me along your “other things”. And you were sure I won’t ever mind because you knew I needed you.
You don’t get to blame me for you poor choices. You don’t get to blame me for choosing the only option that would have led to you losing me eventually.
You don’t get to play surprised because you are not.
You don’t get to ask me why I didn’t tell you, because I did.
I told you every day with everything I did. And I don’t think there was a better way to tell you that I am in love with you …
I am in love with you
- The end -