April 01, 2010

X & Y – Curtain Falls

Y finally facing X

Y: Here is the thing. The problem, our problem, was never that I didn’t have the courage to tell you. It was never that I wasn’t sure of how I feel, or how you would have reacted to how I feel. The problem has always been that we both knew. We both knew that the step I took towards you that morning was the end of my hesitation and the start of yours.

And because we both knew, I never tried to face you with what I know you knew. Because facing you would have meant that you will have to decide and I knew you enough to know that your decision will always be the safety of pushing me away.

I chose the indecisive state because I was aware of the games both our minds were playing. And I believe you were aware too but you have always denied them.

So, you don’t get to blame me for not telling you back then. Blame no one but yourself because you knew. You were aware that it is you who I really wanted. You knew that I needed a spoonful of you in my life and I believe you needed a spoonful of me in your life too. But you had other plans of having me along your “other things”. And you were sure I won’t ever mind because you knew I needed you.

You don’t get to blame me for you poor choices. You don’t get to blame me for choosing the only option that would have led to you losing me eventually.

You don’t get to play surprised because you are not.

You don’t get to ask me why I didn’t tell you, because I did.

I told you every day with everything I did. And I don’t think there was a better way to tell you that I am in love with you …

I am in love with you

- The end -


Ze2red said...

this was intense!

and i hate the "i know that you know that i know" game. It makes me go crazy :@

Shimaa Gamal said...

The I know that you know I know is far better than playing with open cards.
Or do you think open cards is better?

What do you think Y should do with X?

Should she tell him?

Anonymous said...

I keep reading this, and it astonishes me how if X and Y somehow switched places, it'll be all the same thing.

Something's missing from both parties - from all people.

I wish some day I know what it is, or lose the feeling.

Shimaa Gamal said...

I will tell you what's missing

إنها لا تعمى الأبصار و لكنها تعمى القلوب التى فى الصدور

this is the problem, hearts are blind and maybe if X & Y traded places things will still be the same.

rabena yenawar 2oloobna

Ze2red said...

I prefer the open cards mechanism. After all we are heading back to the communication thing. If we are connected to our feelings, and we are in peace with them, then definitely we can express them. So communicating with the other party will save time and heart ache. And maybe it will open a path for happiness.

For me playing the "I know you know that i know" game is ridiculous. It's like walking in circles, and at some point you will lose the purpose you started the walk for from the very beginning, it will lose it's meaning and the enthusiasm you had when u first started the journey will fade away. Time will be wasted, and emotions will eventually become overwhelming for no obvious reason.

So the question, Why suffer when you are able to get your question answered right away???

Ze2red said...

@ Ibraheem: I don't think it's missing as much as it is fear of facing what we are really hiding inside ourselves. The fear of appearing as loving and most vulnerable as we can get. The fear of having an honest, heart-to-heart conversation with someone and finding them responding back. The ultimate fear of rejection, even though we play the "i know you" game, but sometimes people lose interest along the way, and the one you think was going to say "I do" for you, quit the whole thing and left you all alone in it.

It's fear of getting exposed, and not knowing how to communicate. Or this is what i think :)