December 28, 2015

December 23, 2015

December 14, 2015

The S thing

You know why it didn't work with S?

It is neither the fact that he was married nor the fact that he comes from a totally different social background. And it isn't that it was a rebound and rebounds rarely work by definition.

The S thing didn't work because I never really wanted it to work.

The thing is, I miss him sometimes. I even miss him more than I miss H. I miss how street smart he is, I miss the stories he told me and I surely miss how he made me feel. S was never ashamed of being mesmerized whenever I was around. He always looked in awe, he always listened carefully, he made sure to make me feel like a far star that he was so lucky to reach.

Yet I don't miss the burden being with him put on me.

The burden of being with him was so heavy. It wasn't easy to escape him and maintain the relationship within the "safe distance". He wanted us to be "official", he wanted us to act as a couple and that meant not only that we tell our common friends about our relationship but also to decide on the sex question.

I wasn't ready for any of these. I didn't want to be official with him, I didn't want to decide on the sex question. I only wanted him to keep making me feel good.

I wanted to be loved till I am healed.

I tell everyone that he left, he didn't. I pushed him away.

In part I wanted to test how deep was his love. I wanted him to stick to me regardless what I said or did. But he didn't. He left.

I never admit how much the S thing broke my heart. It was like adding insult to injury. I was sure he will stick around, my instincts told me he loves me and my brain told me that as long as I was out of his league he will never risk losing me.

He lost me anyway! And I lost with him whatever I had left of self confidence.

Later I asked him why did he stop loving me and he answered he never stopped.

He said that he loves me but he had to step back because he didn't have anything to offer me.

He is right, all what I wanted was to be loved till I am healed. And unconditional love isn't something that everyone can offer.

All what I need is to be loved till I am healed.

December 07, 2015

December 02, 2015


He once said that I never really tried to know who he really was and I settled for falling in love with what I have imagined him to be.
What he said was harsh, yet true. I never really knew him. I knew enough of him though. I knew whatever he let me know. The "he let me know part" is arguable but that won't change the fact that he was right. In part I was in love with my imagination of him.

This fact leads us to another fact that he won't probably admit. He too never cared to know me. I could dare to say he never even tried. He too knew enough of me. He knew enough not to love me, he knew enough not to care to know more about me, or maybe he knew enough to stir the relationship exactly where he wanted it to be. I will never know what he knew about me or what he really had in mind because I never really knew who he really is.

A deadlock?

A repeated deadlock!

What he said, how I feel and how it ended is the story of my life.

No one really cares to know me, and I never really know anything more than what they let me know. I end up loving the imagination of them, they walk away, I never really know why they did ... and I repeat.