Note to Self

Things that I learned in 34 years. I seem to keep forgetting my lessons, so here are my notes to self.

Feel free to share your rules :)

This will be updated frequently!



Rule No.1 .. if you are in a relationship, or you think you r in one, and you are constantly looking for "emotional recharging" then .. you are doing it wrong!


Rule No.2 .. No one wants to know how you feel. Keep it to yourself!


Rule No.3 .. You can't escape your destiny even if you don't believe in destiny!


Rule No. 4 .. suicide is tempting but it is always a BAD idea!


Rule No. 5 .. There is no shame in crying, just don't let anyone, ANYONE, watch.


Rule No. 6 .. Don't ask for help, unless it is hired!


Rule No. 7 .. You can delay doing the things you hate, but the will hunt you and bite you in the ASS!


Rule No. 8 .. You will always love the wrong person!


Rule No. 9 .. You are as average as the person next to you!


Rule No. 10 .. It is ok to feel down, don't let anyone trick you into feeling guilty for feeling down.


Rule No. 11 .. Sometimes you are not going to be ok. Live with it.


Rule No. 12 .. You will have to dump the things you love to do the things you hate. It is called duty .. Live with it!


Rule No. 13 .. All the good things in life are temporary.


Rule No. 14 .. You mere existence pisses someone off, be kind!


Rule No. 15 .. Food won't fix your broken heart.


Rule No. 16 .. You are a Muslim (a believer), you live in the middle east, sexual deprivation is part of the package.


Rule No. 17 .. God is good, if you can't see it, your mistake not HIS!


Rule No. 18 .. Confrontation is better than delayed rage. Grow a pair!


Rule No. 19 .. Sex doesn't complicate relationships, not knowing what you want does!


Rule No. 20 .. No one will take you the way you are, even your family will try to "correct" you.


Rule No. 21 .. Men are bastards, women are bitches .. Your bastard/ bitch is somebody else's hero. Relativity rules!


Rule No. 22 .. People will try to break your spirits for different reasons. Random strangers and dearly loved ones, try not to fall for it.

Rule No. 23 .. You need to genuinely let go of the things you want in order to have them. Hence, it is always too late. Accommodate!


Rule No. 24 .. Go the extra mile!


Rule No. 25 .. AVOID CHILCHES


Rule No. 26 .. Those who ask you to fully live your life have troubles living their own.

Every Man's Nightmare!

If my mom would have ever had last words to tell me, they would have been “Shimaa stop being arrogant”.  She had always warned me of my arrogance.

But I wasn’t that arrogant to ignore the warnings. I have always tried not to be arrogant. I hide lots of my “confidence” and lots of my “views of things”. I try my best to keep my “arrogance” at bay.

The other night as I was reflecting on my last heartbreak I realized that one of the reasons I get my heart broken is that I don’t know why they leave me. Why would a man leave the “every man’s dream” kind of girl?

And that was when it hit me, I have always thought of myself as every man’s dream while in fact I am nothing but every man’s nightmare.

I have always said that, I am sexy, smart, well educated, loyal, and kind hearted. I am everything a man would ever dream of having in one person. And I have always been surprised that they all fled this for what I believe are “lesser” women.

This is how deep my arrogance is, and how much I am an “every man’s nightmare” type of girl.

I am arrogant. I think highly of myself. I am self centered in ways that you can never imagine. I am sexy but that also comes with deeply rooted desires that never fade. I am always in mood for “intimacy” and if my man isn’t in the mood, I will start nagging.

Yes I am a nag. I nag whenever I feel disappointed about anything. And I am always disappointed about something because I am controlling!

I have deeply rooted control issues that nothing in this world could fix, they are even contradicting with my “faith”.

I am well educated but I am highly opinionated too.

I don’t have a clear plan in my life, it is scary. Even my own dad is scared of how unclear my future is.

You can never tell how far I can be dependent or independent. It is scary too.

I never take no as answer, even if I know that no is the right answer. No is just how you get my challenge hormones work.

I fall in love deeply, that means you get to experience the crazy side, the stalker side, the obsessed side, the super jealous side and God only knows what other sides you will have to deal with.

I am reckless in ways that you can never expect.

I compare men, and I have known enough to start punishing new men in my life for things they didn't do.

I am nothing but a walking nightmare.

No wonder they all come on strong, then flee as soon as they can.

Going on 35

I just turned 34! YAY!

All through the year I had ideas about this post. Lots of things happened that would have made this a perfect year! Yet as we all know, nothing in this life is perfect. I don’t dare calling it a bad year. I would have called it a good year but I am writing this right now with a really heavy heart.

So it was just another year …

With lots of hopes and disappointments I am looking forward to the 35^th birthday, a  milestone that I have set years ago.

So what made it a good/ bad/ just a year?

1^st: Dream Job

Yes! You read that right. I have had a rare opportunity to do something that I really enjoy. I am getting paid for researching and reading. I would share one day more details about that job.

But for now, it isn’t only that I get paid for researching and reading that makes the job perfect but also the fact that I am working with a true mentor. I am really enjoying my time.

The downside? It is a temporary job. And I got attached to it. It is just like knowing that you are having a really pleasant dream and that you have to wake up eventually.

2^nd: Dream Man

Yes! I had a chance to date my dream man. I fell in love with the guy that was carved out of my dreams. I had some of the best time in my life with him. I have never been happier.

The downside? He turned out to be a temporary thing too. And as much as I had some of the best time I had in my life. I am left with some of the most profound pain I ever had in my life.

He didn’t even call to wish me happy birthday … Typical!

3^rd: Friends … Friends

I made lots of new friends this year. I realized I am always on the move on the friendship frontier. I make lots of friends. Always really interesting and kindly hearted people. I think I am blessed.

The downside?

- Sameh didn’t wish me a happy birthday. He remembers, he asked me two days ago what I want for my birthday, but he didn’t do what he had always done since we 1^st met. It is my birthday morning and there is no sign of Sameh.

- I am not talking to Essam. He blocked me on Facebook over politics. And I am deeply hurt.

4^th: Politics

Egypt has been going through a lot of mess. And correcting it will take more mess before things get better. If they ever do!

So, it has been a year … a lively year. I am so grateful for all the good things that happened. My heart aches over the things I lost.

I yearn for things that I wanted to happen in that year and didn’t but I am generally grateful.

Happy birthday to me.

Thank you all for listening. XoXo 

On that Crazy Happy Thought

In our golden days, Sameh had the nice habit of sending me happy thoughts to sleep. One night, he said that my happy thought is an eunuch. I don’t remember whether he explained the term to me, or he asked me to google it. What counts is, I didn’t really like the idea. Years later, I think Sameh was right. An eunuch could be the happy thought I really need.

An eunuch in short is a castrated slave. The idea was so cruel. I honestly couldn’t get past the cruelty of the concept. “A castrated slave” how would this be a happy thought.

Cruelty aside and principles aside, an eunuch could really be a happy thought for a single mid-aged “girl” like me. “A safe company of a man”, what else would a girl want?

You would get a man to help you, he is your slave. He doesn’t really have the choice to deny you anything you want. He is castrated, so you don’t run the risk of having him sexually offending you. 

Even better, historically speaking women used partially castrated slaves for sexual favors. “They got the flowers of marriage not its fruits”.

So, all the problems of a single mid-aged woman could simply be solved by having an eunuch.

Think of this: A man who would please you, without you having to beg. A man, with no strings (no pain) attached.

Sounds perfect?

But then it is inhumane. 

On Leaps of Faith

There is always a point in your life when your experiences tell you that you shouldn't be taking certain risks.

There is always a point in your life when you are on top of a mountain with no clear way back down and you know that you need to take a leap of faith.

There is always a point in your life when you step into darkness because you felt like trying the unnecessary risk instead of being trapped where ever you are.

There is always that point when you jump ....

Then you wake up on your crushed bones. Sometimes you heal and sometimes you just live with the pain.

Leaps of faith never really kill you, they only make you wish you were dead.


We never die ...

We live to tell the story ...

But one day hope will be overwhelming, your judgement will be clouded and you would see that jumping of the safety of the trap of your mountain is the wise thing to do.

One day you will trust the unknown enough to silence your experiences and the pain of the old crushed bones.

One day you will jump and you will wish you were dead.

But you will never die ... you will live.

You will always live ...

Unfortunately, your jump is never lethal. It is only deforming.

On a Side Note - 1

This might not have a future but it sure has a wonderful present.

One day at a time ... don't jump to conclusions.

Enjoy your present because there might not be a future anyway.

On holding those lines …

There is a fact that most people ignore, the worst time of your life will always be the right now. Whatever bad you are going through won’t sound as bad later because somehow you will find a way. 

Somehow life will manage to throw you a bigger load of misery. And you know what, you will long for the good old days. The good old days that was never that good. Or you might be smart and long for tomorrow that your heart hopes will be better than the misery you are living today. But when tomorrow comes holding & failing all types of promises you realize there is always a catch. And life is in part misery as much as it is in part joy.

The point is, the worst of your times is always today. The best of your times is always today too.  

Deal with it!

Confessions – Is that much?

I have been trying to sugar coat my thoughts for a while. I have to admit that posting anything to this blog is turning to be a walk in a mine field. Whatever I write pisses someone off. I don’t like pissing the people I care about off, I am losing the skill of sugar coating and I don’t know how to walk in a mine field without having one exploding in my face.

Yet, this very thought needs to get out of my brain. I will take the chances and just do what I used to do. Spill it out and pretend it is to the void. Maybe, this time no mines will explode.

So, and without any further wasting of your precious time, I think by now most of you know that I have love problems.

Somehow, I was never lucky in love. As if I intentionally pick the wrong men. Because I am sure there are right men out there (Though right now my mind keeps telling me that they are all the same)

I used the term unlucky to try to spare you the long talk about how much of a loser I am, because as you know, I like to take all the blame. I don’t believe in luck. People make their own lucks. So when you are unlucky it simply means you are doing things wrong.

To cut a long story short, my men’s problem seemed to be marriage. All of them believed that I wanted to marry them. And the thought of marrying me was too scary.

They enjoyed the entertainment phase. I can be entertaining. But whenever the idea of a long-term/ serious relation appeared they simply disappeared.

Well, trying to walk a mile in their shoes. Maybe they had every right to be scared. I am scary! I am too much to be handled. I am emotionally messed up. Experts write articles to advise people to not to marry people like me.

Because, apparently, people like me are emotionally unhealthy. People like me will end up bringing all their issues into the relationship. And no sane person would like to marry into that!

But I won’t blame the wise people warning the human kind of emotionally crippled people. Because, you know, they have a point.

You can’t blame luck for your failures as much as you can’t blame wise people for stating the obvious.

But before I lose point and before you jump to the conclusion that I am just another girl who can’t find a husband.

This isn’t about how or why my men ran away from me because they assumed I wanted to marry them (which was true in most of the cases). It is more about the shape of the relationship I am currently looking for.

A friend once asked me couple of years ago what exactly do I need in a relationship. I said all what I need is safe company. I want a man who would spend part of his day communicating with me. Texting is fine, emails are ok, if he thought of calling this will be very good. A call every other week would be appreciated too.  Every now and then I would love to be dined and wined and an annual escape to enjoy total exclusivity.

There is also a level on intimacy that I would like to have fulfilled.

Safe company is all what I am asking for. And by safe I mean I want a guarantee that he will be there the next morning and that I don’t have to worry about other women or other things taking my place.

Just a level of commitment that tells me I am not just an entertainment. Is that much?

I didn’t ask for marriage. All what I asked for is, a daily communication of whatever sort, an occasional outing to enjoy the company and if possible a once a year one week vacation.

Nothing more …

Is that too much?

At Arm’s Length

Many years ago I had Brad on phone and Mohamed (the ex) called. I chose not to take that call and finish my call with Brad. Before that day Mohamed always had priority. Only family came before him. But that day I decided that Brad is more important.

I called him later and we had a fight over Brad. It wasn’t the first time. He fought about Brad since he knew about his presence in my life. He fought about every single male I had in my life. Friends, relatives, colleagues and potential dates. He was jealous. He said he loved me and he can’t see me with someone else. He wanted me to be his while he kept on with his plans to marry his cousin. The last thing he said in that call was when you need me you know how to find me. And we didn’t call ever again. Brad disappeared, then re-appeared and finally disappeared. I have been missing Mohamed ever since that day, needed just to hear his voice many times. But I didn’t call him.

I can tell you a long list of why I didn’t call him. All rational reasons but honestly the only reason I didn’t try to contact him is that I know him enough to know he won’t take me back easily. That he will make sure he punished me enough before taking me back. And again it will be his rules. I will have to be available as a full package and do with whatever he decides to give me. And I couldn’t do this to myself. I just couldn’t take the idea of being blamed for trying to do the same thing he did to me. I couldn’t take the idea that he has the right to have a wife while I am the one who has to compromise to be with the man she loves. If he loved me too he should have compromised for me. I felt I deserved that much. I felt I deserved to be the woman he introduces to everyone. Not the one with no right to call unless no one is around.

It took me years to get with Mohamed to that point. It took me years to be unable to play with his rules. Brad actually helped. He was the voice that told me how magnificent I was. I felt good and capable of breaking the link with Mohamed. It wasn’t as painful. I was angry. I was deeply angry and heartbroken and I had that nice guy telling me all the nice things. So I hung up the phone and I never called him back.

I didn’t try to hunt Brad when he disappeared for the 2^nd time. I don’t know if I ever loved Brad. I once told a friend that I loved him. But I am not sure. I am passing through a phase of being unable of deciding why I did certain things. I am not sure. And I can’t tell whether the things I have done were right or wrong and consequently I can’t tell now whether the things I am doing are right or wrong.

Then there was that guy. I can tell I loved him. And I played it cool. I waited and I waited. I gave all the hints. I made all the signs. Everyone noticed but him. I had two choices to walk away or to stay and wait for a little more. One night I wrote him a message “I love you” but instead of sending it I saved it to drafts. I wasn’t ready to deal with the aftermath so I waited.

 I waited till an incident happened and I got crazy. And to cut a long story short. I lost the guy. He is with someone else now. And I can’t walk away. He never knew I loved him. At least I never told him directly I did. I wasn’t ready to deal with the aftermath. So, I preferred to play with his rules. To be kept at his arm’s length. I preferred that he gets to enjoy the full package and I settle for whatever he has to offer. 

I wasn’t ready to lose him. I wasn’t ready to call him and say I love you I don’t want you to be with other women. I wasn’t ready to lose him. I am still not ready to lose him. I can’t live without him. I have tried to replace him with everything but nothing fits. A friend once told me that my love for the guy is more a companionship. Another friend told me that it is logical that I don’t like any of the men people try to set me up with because I already found the perfect company, that’s him.

 Maybe they are right. I told you before I am going through the “can’t tell” phase. So maybe it was just the joy of companionship. Maybe it is that he is the type of company I wanted for the journey I settled and didn’t check other options. Maybe the love was for the company not the person, I can’t really tell.

But what I can tell right now is that I am doing something that I would have told anyone is wrong to be done. I am comparing that guy with someone else unintentionally sometimes and intentionally in other times. I am taking decisions with the new guy based on how the reactions with that guy were. I know them better than thinking they both will give the same reactions. I am aware that I have been mixing and probably punishing each of them for the other’s mistakes. I know that I pulled away my hand once and didn’t touch one of them because the other hates to be touched. I know how different they are. 

But I know one thing. Both will never take the step to meet me half way. Or maybe I am wrong. I can’t tell. Maybe only one of them wasn’t able to do this. And that I should stop comparing because maybe the other one will meet me half way. Because I was able to tell that one that I love him and that I want a relationship not just whatever we have. Maybe, he will get past his many reasons (that I am sure all valid and rational) that make it more convenient for him to keep me at arm’s length. Maybe he will come around.

And if he didn’t … I don’t know but it is just unfair to be kept at arm’s length. But what if this is as good as it gets? The worse is what if they keep you at arm’s length because they know that this is as good as it gets. That you have never done better. That it is a long history of being kept at arm’s length. And it is ok to do so to you.

What if the idea of missing you is better than the idea of being with you? Isn’t it all about that? You stick to a person because you can’t lose them?

What if this is as good as it gets? The best you can have is to be at arm’s length from the person you love and want for life. Arm’s length is near enough but yet too far from where you want to be. Will you settle for the best you can have or try to find the best you think you deserve even if you can’t tell whether or not you deserve better than the best you have already earned?

Am I making any sense?

Alexandria … Again

I don’t know if I have become too lazy or time has become so tight. I feel that my days are shorter, my nights aren’t enough and I am always running late for something. I don’t even have time to communicate with the world. I miss my friends and family because I can’t manage to spare a couple of hours to chat, email or talk.

But some how I managed to spare a day. Actually I didn’t spare it; I just did what I am best at doing. I pressed the pause button of my life and put everything on hold to go pay an old friend a visit in my new favorite city, Alexandria.

It was completely worth it. Catching up with an old friend worth more than pausing a day. A good company on the road is everything a one can ask for. The few minutes we took figuring our way in a strange city was worth it. And the few minutes I stood facing the calm sea, and maintain a conversation that I can’t remember any of it was worth it.

The view was majestic. The wide open sea and the cold winter breeze, sometimes I really hope my eyes are a camera so that I can let people enjoy things the way I see them. and as I was enjoying the combination of company and place I spotted a small fishing boat in that large sea and I couldn’t fight the temptation to remark that I would really love to be in that boat.

My friend commented that sea in such a small boat will be scary. And the coward me replied that sea is scary regardless how big the boat is. Then the conversation found its way to other things but my mind didn’t. It just stopped there in that boat in the middle of that sea.

The thought didn’t seem scary, probably because it was hypothetical. But this hypothesis opened a small window for me to wonder. What if I was to get into such a boat, who I would take with me? To my surprise I couldn’t really think of someone. I was puzzled whom to choose. I can’t swim; at least I don’t think I can do in open sea. So will it be wise to take someone who can? What if in the time of need this someone decided not to save me? Will it be wiser to take someone reliable, who won’t at least leave me die alone? Should I take someone who knows the sea? Is an experienced company is the safest company?

Some how that boat managed to carry my thoughts to a sea that’s bigger than the Mediterranean. What if my feelings about that boat are just a mere reflection to my feelings towards life? That boat is me and my life and the big sea is the big world around me. I know I want to get into that boat but something inside is telling me that I don’t want to be alone. Not because I am not brave enough to face the sea but I believe it will always be wise to face the unknown in company. But yet again, who said I was ever wise?

When the spoon becomes just a spoon

There is a point in a relationship when you discover that things have lost their meaning. You suddenly discover that you are not the same person and that this is not what you signed up for. The point where you look at you partner wondering why you fell in love in the first place.
You look back and remember how good it was when you first met. The tingles of like and the first buzzes of love. You go on keeping the little memories, match boxes from places you visited, the plastic spoon you used to share your first bowl of soup and lots of tiny little meaningless things that meant everything at that time.
And you keep going on, replacing the tingles with a soft feeling of security, breaking the uncertainty of anticipation with the routine of a relation.
Then life takes over, instead of you and me it becomes you, me and everyone. It is the stage where the relation is like a little boat in an angry ocean. And in the ocean tiny things disappear, in the storm whispering sweet nothings is of no use. And some how you wake up on the fact that yelling have replaced talking and fights have become the official way of communication. You come to the point to face that the little boat is drowning and then you have to face the fear of facing each other and finding out that you have nothing in common.
The point you both discover that the spoon you kept is just a spoon and that the little things that meant everything belongs to your trash can.
The moment you know that boredom has conquered. And that there is nothing left to be done.
Boredom isn’t an instant thing, it grows over time that I even think it is a parasite that lives on the love plant. It takes as much time as for love to develop but secretly it suffocates the poor plant that seems strong but fails to face the slightest breeze.
We start the relation with the belief that we are not like any other couple. Love always comes in a promotional package that reads genuine that’s mostly believed to be unique too. And this believe of uniqueness has the seeds of boredom and hence the destruction of the relation.
Love relations are genuine but are not unique, we opt for uniqueness in away to prove to ourselves that this relation will be a big boat to stand for the oceans waves ignoring that no matter how big the boat is, the ocean will always be bigger and no matter how strong the boat is, storms will always be fierce.
Out of uniqueness come expectations, expectations that the other will always understand and will always fulfill. And out of expectations come unfulfilled needs and frustrations. And out of frustrations come subsurface anger, and out of anger comes the loss of curiosity and then the boat flips and the storm takes over.
We cause the boredom by refraining from communicating our needs in a clear way, we expect for love to be the answer for the questions that we didn’t ask. We expect the other to read our minds and act the way we want. We push the limits by doing things that we think will make our significant other happy in the time we don’t really want. We suppress anger and accumulate frustration. And instead of facing the storm side by side we face it back to back and when the time for eye contact come we find out that we have lost the aim and that spoon is just a spoon after all.

Picture from: studio.nathanielguy.com

11 mintues

I am currently reading 11 minutes by Paulo Coelho, it is a story about Maria who happened to be a prostitute. I couldn’t understand why my friend gave it to me, the deeper get into the book the more I understand why he wanted me to read it. It is a story about life not prostitution. It is about men and women not sex.
I am quoting here;

“They didn’t mind spending three hundred and fifty Swiss francs to stop being themselves for a night.For a night? Now come on, Maria, you are exaggerating. It’s really only forty-five minutes, and if you allow time for taking off clothes, making some phony gesture of affection, having a bit banal conversation and getting dressed again, the amount of time spent actually having sex is about eleven minutes.Eleven minutes. The world revolved around something that only took eleven minutes”.

“The most important piece of advice, however, came from a Filipino woman called Nyah: when your client comes, you must always groan as if you were having an orgasm too. That guarantees customer loyalty.But why? They are just paying for their own satisfaction.No, that’s where you are wrong. A man doesn’t prove he’s a man by getting an erection. He’s only a real man if he can pleasure a woman. And if he can pleasure a prostitute, he’ll think he’s the best lover on the block.”

Oh Dear God, my theories are not only on my head. Thank you God, I am not alone and I am not always wrong!!