December 20, 2013

In a perfect world ...

S: Why did you leave?!

H: Because you never really wanted me to stay!

December 07, 2013

On Loneliness: Definition

There are points in one’s life when something really big happens. Maybe losing a loved one, or seeing one of your dreams coming true.

A moment of pure joy or deep sadness, the type of moment you look around to share with someone. Someone who understands your excitement, someone who will dance a night away to celebrate your happiness. Someone who would hold you tight to ease an unbearable pain.

There are huge moments in one’s life that one needs to share them. They are too big to be lived alone.
When one can’t find someone to share such moments with, that one is officially lonely.


November 19, 2013


He called me smart and that made me cry. I told him that everyone else called me smart. It is becoming more of an offense.
They all called me smart but wanted one thing.

They wanted sex.
He wanted sex too.
So I cried.

They all say they love me, they all call me smart, they all want sex and they all break my heart.

I just want a man who doesn’t call me smart.

I am not smart. Smart women don’t get their hearts broken.

November 11, 2013

Unnecessary Confession

It is both our fault. We kept saying it was nothing. We pretended it was nothing. And now it had to end & we both know we can't put an end to nothing.
It is something. It had always been something and that's why it had to end. Tragically.

It is both our fault.

October 28, 2013

Another Pathetic Post

I seriously don't know where to start.

He is getting back to his ex wife.

yes, another guy leaving me for another woman.

He is getting married. The guy who repeatedly said he is anti "marriage" is getting married. and to whom? to the woman who has made him the idea of being in a relationship in the 1st place.

I don't know what exactly do I do to them to make them all get married.

I don't know what do I exactly fix.

He left me without even a goodbye.

He burnt all types of bridges between us.

And he is getting married ...

October 24, 2013

Mind Games

The last time I had a fruitful talk with my most recent ex. I told him that I didn't analyze him because every time I do I end up thinking negatively of myself.

I deeply "admired" the guy. I was totally under his spell, add this to my deep fear of rejection and you will get all the negative thoughts you could ever find in this world.

It is a long story yet not the point. My point is, I analyze people, situations and myself all the time. 

I compare people, situations and my reactions to things all the time. 

I ask lots of whys. For me life is pretty much a riddle and my aim is to solve it.

A friend of mine used to call my over obsession with analyzing life "mind games". He believed that I played mind games with everyone around me. He couldn't believe me when I repeatedly denied it. The point is, I can't really tell why would people do the things they do. None of them answer when I ask. So, I have to try to figure it out myself.

For instance, I loved this friend for ages. Well, I had deep feelings for him. He was my idea of "life long company". I never fell head over heels for him like I did with my other men. But he could possibly be the hugest heartbreak I ever had. 

Everyone around me knew how I felt for him. It was clear. No one could ever miss the passion. Off course everyone knew expect him. 

Everything I said or did screamed of my feelings yet he didn't start to figure them out till I started to encrypt them. 
He started realizing when it was too late. He got my message only when I went from being stupidly direct to being indifferent and indirect. 

The point is, I don't play games. If I want something I will directly pursue it. 

A common advice that I repeatedly get, "ignore him, he will come crawling to you". It is a widely used mind trick that I never use. I show interest when I mean it and I show indifference when I mean it. 

I believe showing a feeling that you don't have is the worst form of lying. 

If I love someone why would he break my heart for showing interest? And why would he be interested the moment I show I moved on?

I don't play mind games. I wish I was that smart. 

I wish I could show indifference towards the man I love. I wish I could trick him into loving me back. 

I wish I could do lots of things ... 

I wish I was smart enough not to get my heart broken again. 

I wish! 

October 08, 2013

On That Corner

I am 34. According to my mirror I shouldn’t be feeling the way I am feeling. I have grey hairs, I have wrinkles, I am not 24 anymore. I aged. I am not supposed to feel like this.

I am lonely, I am broken hearted, I am asking the same set of questions I have been asking for years.

I am tried.

I am seriously tired.

I am tired of the endless tears. I am tired of the bad temper. I am tired of the clichés. I am tired of blaming myself.

I am tired of being trapped in this corner.

I am tired of feeling used and cheap.

I am tired of nagging, begging and feeling that I am asking for too much.

I am tired of asking. I shouldn’t be asking.

I shouldn’t be feeling this way.

The problem is, you can mend a broken heart. Once, twice, thrice but then it is soul breaking.

You change, deeply. You don’t lose your self confidence. You simply stop believing in the good in the world.

What’s the point of living then?

My soul is broken. And I don’t know how to mend this.

September 21, 2013

Status Report

I feel exhausted.

I feel trapped.

I am always feeling the same way.

I feel I am too old for this. I am going on 35, I must be feeling different, I should be having different worries.

I need to get past my feelings, my nagging needs and my hopes & dreams.

I need to kill that little girl hungry for life. 

I need to understand that there are things that are not going to happen.

I feel exhausted .. 

I also realized that not only that I was never the "sweep them of their feet" type but also I was never the "grow on them by time" type.

They all left ... They will all leave.

I am never missed .. 

I am trapped in my feelings ... I am cornered in my needs.

I am so exhausted.

September 17, 2013


I got my heart broken. Again!

I know it has become the norm. Some of you must be wondering why I keep doing this to myself.
Honestly, every time I fall in love I decide it will be the last time. The first time I fell in love I thought it will be the 1st and the last but things didn't work out as I expected. So I did it again with the “this man will be my last man” in mind. I kept repeating for God knows how many times till I got to that man.

He is 7 yrs older. Mature, or so he appears to be. He is much more experienced than me. He is smart, handsome, plays different social and mental leagues. He is interesting on every aspect. It was natural for me to like him.

“Like” might be an understatement. I deeply liked him. I liked how he thinks, how he writes, how he speaks, his voice, his smile, how he treats people and how he can win the hearts of almost everyone.
I liked the chemistry I felt between us, how similar his priorities and mine are, and I liked the daemons and spirits he magically awakened in me.

Falling in love with him was the next logical step.
I didn't want to fall for him. But it happened!
“He is going to be the last one” I said to myself. Again!

I didn't have enough experience to stir the relationship and I was scared I might scare him away.
He took control of the relationship and day after day I started realizing how deep the compromises I would need to do if that relationship was ever meant to survive.

I am 34 yrs, yet I never had a “serious” relationship. At my age, my 1st wish for every New Year is still a “stable relationship”. I never got past the “fear of rejection” phase. I want to know how it feels to be “accepted”.

I never got a man’s love for granted. I never got to the phase where couples comfortably fight. All my relationships ended at the very 1st sign of “conflict of interests”.

I was hungry for stability, while he wanted to keep whatever we had “short and shallow”. What we had wasn't really shallow. It was full of details, inside jokes, secrets that no one would know except the two of us. Yet, I think he didn't want this to mean anything.

He was escaping “stability”; he is divorced with a kid. He already has a “stable” commitment in his life (to his daughter). Already tried, “stable” commitment and didn't really work out (to his ex wife).
Stability wasn't his dish, while it was all what I craved.

Then came another thing. I am a virgin. Sex was an issue. He wanted sex and I couldn't give him sex on “short and shallow” basis. For him sex is just another natural step, it wasn't a big deal. But it was a big deal for me. He was understanding. He didn't push anything yet he couldn't understand my hunger for the things lesser than sex. He found no point in them as long as I am not going to do “anything”. In his own words, this isn't sex. But it was satisfying for me in many ways that he couldn't get.
I was hungry for different levels of intimacy, while he constantly felt he was too old for this.

Sex was something we both wanted but on different terms.

The different terms might sum up the whole struggle. I wanted things that girls in their teens would want. It is totally expected that I would want them. I didn't do any of these things before. I was waiting for the right man. I was waiting for him to come along. But he wasn't waiting for me. He had a full life before me.
He tried all the details I have been craving to the point of boredom. His life after me wasn't really accommodating of those needs all the time.

I want to fall in love, to be swept off my feet often, to be able to dream, to have the sweet talks, the kisses, planning a life together, naming unborn kids, to be comfortable discussing awkward topics and to have sex while knowing it is a huge step with lots of meanings … I am hungry for details that people my age have out grown long time ago.

I am 34 yrs old and single, eligible men are all like that guy. They already lived and their lives ahead aren't so accommodating for a grey haired virgin who is longing to live her teen-aging years.

Compromising my hunger is a must for any of these guys to even consider a relationship with me.

My hunger is more of a liability. It is, I believe, a huge turn off.

A late 30s, early 40s guy wouldn't want to do the things he has done in his 20s.
I spent my 20s waiting.

An early 40s guy doesn't really care whether or not I am a virgin. He doesn't care how many men broke me before I met him. He knows that shit happens and life goes on.
He would listen to the stories but he isn't here to mend anything. Mending is something younger people try because they still didn't experience life and still couldn't get the fact that some things can’t be mended and among them are life scars.

What an early 40s guy worry about is whether or not I am in for a relationship on the terms he set. What worries an early 40s guy is that there is a teen hiding inside what seems to be a grown up woman.
A teen who would complicate everything because she is so hungry for a life that she should have out grown by now.

But that teen is there because that teen has been trying to do the right thing. That teen believed all the things she was raised to believe.

That teen waited to have things the right way, and now as she watches grey hair and wrinkles spreading everywhere, the right way doesn't seem to be so right after all.

The point is, I am hungry and he was full.
He is every man and I am every “teen” woman.

 … and my heart is broken again. 

September 15, 2013

Note to Self

Things that I learned in 34 years. I seem to keep forgetting my lessons, so here are my notes to self.

Feel free to share your rules :)

This will be updated frequently!

Rule No.1 .. if you are in a relationship, or you think you r in one, and you are constantly looking for "emotional recharging" then .. you are doing it wrong!

Rule No.2 .. No one wants to know how you feel. Keep it to yourself!

Rule No.3 .. You can't escape your destiny even if you don't believe in destiny!

Rule No. 4 .. suicide is tempting but it is always a BAD idea!

Rule No. 5 .. There is no shame in crying, just don't let anyone, ANYONE, watch.

Rule No. 6 .. Don't ask for help, unless it is hired!

Rule No. 7 .. You can delay doing the things you hate, but the will hunt you and bite you in the ASS!

Rule No. 8 .. You will always love the wrong person!

Rule No. 9 .. You are as average as the person next to you!

Rule No. 10 .. It is ok to feel down, don't let anyone trick you into feeling guilty for feeling down.

Rule No. 11 .. Sometimes you are not going to be ok. Live with it.

Rule No. 12 .. You will have to dump the things you love to do the things you hate. It is called duty .. Live with it!

Rule No. 13 .. All the good things in life are temporary.

Rule No. 14 .. You mere existence pisses someone off, be kind!

Rule No. 15 .. Food won't fix your broken heart.

Rule No. 16 .. You are a Muslim (a believer), you live in the middle east, sexual deprivation is part of the package.

Rule No. 17 .. God is good, if you can't see it, your mistake not HIS!

Rule No. 18 .. Confrontation is better than delayed rage. Grow a pair!

Rule No. 19 .. Sex doesn't complicate relationships, not knowing what you want does!

Rule No. 20 .. No one will take you the way you are, even your family will try to "correct" you.

Rule No. 21 .. Men are bastards, women are bitches .. Your bastard/ bitch is somebody else's hero. Relativity rules!

Rule No. 22 .. People will try to break your spirits for different reasons. Random strangers and dearly loved ones, try not to fall for it.

Rule No. 23 .. You need to genuinely let go of the things you want in order to have them. Hence, it is always too late. Accommodate!

Rule No. 24 .. Go the extra mile!


Rule No. 26 .. Those who ask you to fully live your life have troubles living their own.

September 14, 2013

Every Man's Nightmare!

If my mom would have ever had last words to tell me, they would have been “Shimaa stop being arrogant”.  She had always warned me of my arrogance.
But I wasn’t that arrogant to ignore the warnings. I have always tried not to be arrogant. I hide lots of my “confidence” and lots of my “views of things”. I try my best to keep my “arrogance” at bay.

The other night as I was reflecting on my last heartbreak I realized that one of the reasons I get my heart broken is that I don’t know why they leave me. Why would a man leave the “every man’s dream” kind of girl?

And that was when it hit me, I have always thought of myself as every man’s dream while in fact I am nothing but every man’s nightmare.

I have always said that, I am sexy, smart, well educated, loyal, and kind hearted. I am everything a man would ever dream of having in one person. And I have always been surprised that they all fled this for what I believe are “lesser” women.

This is how deep my arrogance is, and how much I am an “every man’s nightmare” type of girl.

I am arrogant. I think highly of myself. I am self centered in ways that you can never imagine. I am sexy but that also comes with deeply rooted desires that never fade. I am always in mood for “intimacy” and if my man isn’t in the mood, I will start nagging.

Yes I am a nag. I nag whenever I feel disappointed about anything. And I am always disappointed about something because I am controlling!

I have deeply rooted control issues that nothing in this world could fix, they are even contradicting with my “faith”.

I am well educated but I am highly opinionated too.

I don’t have a clear plan in my life, it is scary. Even my own dad is scared of how unclear my future is.

You can never tell how far I can be dependent or independent. It is scary too.

I never take no as answer, even if I know that no is the right answer. No is just how you get my challenge hormones work.

I fall in love deeply, that means you get to experience the crazy side, the stalker side, the obsessed side, the super jealous side and God only knows what other sides you will have to deal with.

I am reckless in ways that you can never expect.

I compare men, and I have known enough to start punishing new men in my life for things they didn't do.

I am nothing but a walking nightmare.

No wonder they all come on strong, then flee as soon as they can.

That Man

It was spring. Spring isn’t my favorite season. It is the season of dust and hint of hot summer.

It wasn’t meant to be but a virtual “thoughts only” relationship, but then it happened.

I remember that day when I said that he makes me laugh.

I remember a day when something he wrote got engraved in my mind.

I remember when I decided to break the ice and indirectly asked him whether or not he was married.

I remember how one day he asked me out.

I remember how he came on so strong, it was borderline intimidating.

I remember him pulling away, and I remember how I started panicking.

I remember our first date.

I remember how excited I felt. I remember telling Sameh about the excitement and fear.

I remember how I felt after that date.

I remember how I said it was the happiest day in my life. My heart was about to explode.

I remember how he pulled away later.

I remember what I told him.

I remember how he got back.

I remember the 1st time he kissed me.

I remember how he walked away again

I remember the tears, the heavy days.

I remember how he got back again.

I remember how he said that he didn’t leave me. That he was there but life sometimes is heavy.

I remember his promise that he will never leave.

I remember the last time we met, and how it felt like it is something that we might be doing for the rest of our lives.

I remember how it felt watching him pulling away. And how it felt trying to pretend it was ok.

I remember trying to give him the talk but holding back

I remember when I finally grew some balls and asked him.

I remember his answer … we can’t be but friends, this is the only way for it to work.

I remember the texts he ignored, the emails he never read, and the calls he never returned.

I just don’t remember when did I fall in love with him.

September 04, 2013

Pages from an unfinished novel - His Kiss

It was the first time he kissed me.

It was dominating, overwhelmingly dominating it scared me.

What really scared me wasn’t how he tried to dominate me with a kiss, but the fact that I enjoyed it.

I gave in to his kiss … I gave in to him.

I willingly submitted and then I was lost.

September 03, 2013

Here We Go Again ...

I don’t want to cry anymore …

I can’t think of anything that I really want.

My two steps up the hill left me technically nowhere.

I got the taste of how I want my life to be.

But it was all temporary …

I just don’t want to cry anymore.

On the closed closet ...

Remember Brad? I have been thinking about him lately. I think he is the worst man I have ever met in my whole life. It doesn’t mean my other men are better men.

But thinking about how it was played now, that guy had one intention from the very 1st moment he knew me. He decided to break my heart.

1st he played friends, then he said he wants it to be a date. Then he didn’t stop at a one date thing, he followed through. Then he disappeared and I found out from facebook he got engaged. He got engaged in the time he used to tell me he isn’t ready for commitment. He got engaged to a hijabi in the time he used to complain about my hijab. He got married, while he sold himself as the non marrying type.

That guy, met me, dated me, showed interest and feelings that you call can find evidence of in the blog with one intention, breaking my heart.

I can’t find any other reason.

He at times, intentionally deceived me. I, at times, intentionally ignored all the signs and warnings.

I was wrong, but that doesn’t make him right.

I have been going through all my relationships. All the men I dated, all the men I loved, all the men who crossed paths with me … I have been in a tour in the gallery of my broken hearts and I realized that each and every one of them knew me with only one intention. Breaking me …

I remember Mohamed’s last words in the night he broke up with me. I was hysterically sobbing and I could barely hold myself and he dared to look me in the eyes and say. “Shimaa you are strong, you will be fine, my mom and my cousin aren’t”.

I don’t know why exactly all of them got to that conclusion. That it is ok to break my heart.

I don’t know why exactly they all believed that I will be fine.

I don’t know why “breaking me” is so tempting.

They had fun. I am a nice company. I go the extra mile in a relationship. I try understand all the men issues. I play it cool.

I am well educated, I am sarcastic and I am a good friend.

I was kind to each and every one of them

And they did nothing but ruthlessly breaking my heart.

They intentionally broke my heart because I am strong and I will be fine.

Guess what … I am not fine.

Not anymore …

August 26, 2013

August 25, 2013

The Blues ...

Him: What is the worst time of the day?

Her: It must be the mornings. I wake up with you in my mind and I spend the whole day fighting it ... Or maybe it is the nights, I keep waiting for you and when the wait is too heavy I cry myself to sleep.

August 20, 2013

Going on 35

I just turned 34! YAY!

All through the year I had ideas about this post. Lots of things happened that would have made this a perfect year! Yet as we all know, nothing in this life is perfect. I don’t dare calling it a bad year. I would have called it a good year but I am writing this right now with a really heavy heart.

So it was just another year …

With lots of hopes and disappointments I am looking forward to the 35th birthday, a  milestone that I have set years ago.

So what made it a good/ bad/ just a year?

1st: Dream Job
Yes! You read that right. I have had a rare opportunity to do something that I really enjoy. I am getting paid for researching and reading. I would share one day more details about that job.
But for now, it isn’t only that I get paid for researching and reading that makes the job perfect but also the fact that I am working with a true mentor. I am really enjoying my time.
The downside? It is a temporary job. And I got attached to it. It is just like knowing that you are having a really pleasant dream and that you have to wake up eventually.

2nd: Dream Man
Yes! I had a chance to date my dream man. I fell in love with the guy that was carved out of my dreams. I had some of the best time in my life with him. I have never been happier.
The downside? He turned out to be a temporary thing too. And as much as I had some of the best time I had in my life. I am left with some of the most profound pain I ever had in my life.
He didn’t even call to wish me happy birthday … Typical!

3rd: Friends … Friends
I made lots of new friends this year. I realized I am always on the move on the friendship frontier. I make lots of friends. Always really interesting and kindly hearted people. I think I am blessed.
The downside?
- Sameh didn’t wish me a happy birthday. He remembers, he asked me two days ago what I want for my birthday, but he didn’t do what he had always done since we 1st met. It is my birthday morning and there is no sign of Sameh.
- I am not talking to Essam. He blocked me on Facebook over politics. And I am deeply hurt.

4th: Politics
Egypt has been going through a lot of mess. And correcting it will take more mess before things get better. If they ever do!

So, it has been a year … a lively year. I am so grateful for all the good things that happened. My heart aches over the things I lost.
I yearn for things that I wanted to happen in that year and didn’t but I am generally grateful.

Happy birthday to me.

Thank you all for listening. XoXo 

July 25, 2013

On Consistency and the Forbidden Fruit

I am a virgin. Somehow this very personal detail has become a hot topic of discussion in the last couple of years. I have been repeatedly put in situations where I had to explain that I am a virgin and, for the time being, I don’t think I will ever be having sex outside marriage.

It all started out with a date. It was sometime in September 2011 when a nice, younger guy asked me out for coffee. He was full of life; it had been years since I was last asked out on a date; I needed life and he offered loads of it. He was a breath of fresh air … of hope. Yet, the guy was direct; he was in for a fling: good company and sex.

Before him I was used to the fact that men will always want sex but they tended to play lovers to get to it. Before him, none of my men doubted the “virgin” part. The “virgin” part was taken for granted. They all wanted sex, yet sex had always been off the table because duh! “I am a virgin”.

This guy was the 1st one to offer a strictly sexual relationship, no emotions attached. And I had to decide whether I was in or out.

And that was when my virginity started to be the topic to discuss.

In this part of the world girls are expected to be virgins as long as they are not married. Yet it is the 21st century, different levels of intimacy had become discreetly accepted. It all depends on your social level. The more you are exposed to “western culture” the more likely the circles you play are open-minded regarding sex. I am saying more likely because exposure doesn’t really grant open-mindedness in our society.
Sex is a taboo in this part of the world. People have been trying to break this taboo yet they have been failing … royally!

Needless to say that relationship failed, it never got started in the 1st place. He wanted sex; I couldn’t give him sex so it faded to a “you are someone that I used to know” type of thing.

He was the 1st but he wasn’t the last to suggest a sexual non-emotional relationship. As that relationship faded I met another guy. Someone that I deeply liked and I dare to say that I deeply loved. That guy was clear too. Marriage for him was off the table, but sex was the most important item on it.

That guy didn’t offer a fling-ship. He didn’t even offer a relationship. He offered nothing and that was somehow everything (Yeah! I am that pathetically in love with him). In his own words, our relationship has different aspects and one of them is sex. According to him sex is a pleasure that should be given and received within the context of exchanging pleasure only, nothing more.

Again my virginity became an issue. Yet, and because I am desperately in love with that guy I started to entertain the idea of sex. The pressure of love and other things got me to the point of thinking why won’t I have sex with him. Why would I want us to be married? After all, and religious reasons aside, marriage is nothing but an exclusive long-term relationship or at least it is what is supposed to be or how I think it is supposed to be. So if I can have the “long-term” and “exclusive” parts, again religion aside, maybe sex will be ok.

I didn’t really voice my ideas to the guy; we moved past the sex aspect of the relationship and kept the other aspects. To be more specific he moved past the sex aspect, apparently he either lost interest or maybe lost hope that I might one day come around what he once described as my obsolete idea about sex.

His move left me with more questions that were even doubled by the appearance of someone who showers me with too much “I love you’s” yet definitely believes that love isn’t love unless it is “consummated”.

Different men, different age groups, different backgrounds, different experiences and different settings yet all had one thing in common. They all wanted sex with a virgin whom they couldn’t really get why she is hanging on to her virginity that much.

Such offers usually leave me both flattered and offended.

Different super interesting men believe I am sexually attractive, this is flattering! The fact that I can’t see why they would get that much interested in me, along the fact that none of them ever offered a “decent relationship” is deeply offending.

Stuck between feeling flattered and offended my moral system gets shaken too deep to the point of clearly showing an inconsistency. Apparently there is a huge gap between what I believe is right, what I say I think is right and the right I actually do.

Is sex wrong?

Yes, No … Maybe! I don’t know.

I really don’t know. I believe it shouldn’t be wrong. Sex is natural. Desire shouldn’t be a sin. But things don’t seem to work in such simple ways in the complicated world we live in.

In this part of the world, the 1st challenge that faces the “righteousness” of sex is religion. Sex is a sin that will get you safe and sound to hellfire. If you are a “believer” guilt will be the dominant feeling associated with whatever “sex” you decide to have outside what religion said it should be.

The 2nd challenge that faces the righteousness of sex is social customs.  Sex is a social sin that will get you safe and sound to the “doomed group”.
Well, it depends mainly on your gender in this part of the world. The rule is, men are accepted to do lots of the social sins. They are men. Our society is seemed to be tailored to “protect” the virtue of women. I am not sure why but probably because men have no virtue to protect after all!

Anyhow, regardless that the society is more flexible accepting men who commit social sins you will still be labeled if you engaged in any form of sexual relationship outside wedlock. And unlike the religious reasons where you can work out a way with your God, the society doesn’t really forgive. And most importantly they won’t easily forget.

In this part of the world, where the individuals are more open-minded than the societies they live in, double measures become the norm. Consistency is really rare. People are used to doing what they don’t believe in, they preach what they can’t/ won’t do and more importantly judge others for doing what they secretly do.  
Sex and religion are two major fronts where you can touch the double lives and double measures epidemic spreading among almost everyone you know.

Religion for instance is supposed to be a relationship between you and the God you chose to worship. The details of such relationship are supposed to be personal. But somehow, whether or not you are a believer in God is a basic concern of the society. Everyone would want you to worship a certain God in a certain way. If you chose not to, you will have to pay a certain social cost, a cost that will depend on how grave the society thinks your sin is.

So people end up pretending. They pretend to be religious. They pretend to be socially right. They do whatever makes them “socially acceptable” while maintaining the things the society can’t really stomach a secret.

People stretch the boundaries of their personal freedoms while not having to confront the society.

One of those stretches is what the infamous HH once termed as “Virgin Sex”.

According to HH, and later all the generous men who offered me sexual relationships, I can enjoy a sexual relationship without really losing my virginity. For them, and perhaps for the society, a girl is a virgin as long as she didn’t engage in a penetrative vaginal intercourse.

So, many men and women in this part of the world agreed to engage in all forms of sexual activities outside wedlock as long as there isn’t vaginal penetration.

They pretend that the sex they have isn’t really sex as long as they don’t get caught.

The interesting part is that all those actively engaging in stretching their own personal boundaries are actively engaging in limiting others personal decisions by being part of the tight society measures.

A man who is open to having “virgin sex” with the girl he loves isn’t as open to the idea if the person involved is his sister. The same man who would pressure the girl he likes to jump from base one to three will advise his best friend to cut off the man she likes for doing the same with her.

A man who says that virginity isn’t really a factor to judge a girl will make a pass at every non virgin he knows.

It is duality and inconsistency everywhere.

And because of all the duality and inconsistency I can’t have sex out of wedlock. Not because I believe it is wrong. On the contrary, I believe it is my right and it is everyone’s right to live their life the way they want. I believe that it is my right to fall in love and to have sex and not to worry about social consequences.

I am at a point of my life where I open to compromise lots of the things I thought can’t be compromised. I am turning 34 in few weeks, and although marriage was never a goal of my life yet loneliness wasn’t one of those goals either.

I am open to considering relationships that are not the “happily ever after” type.

And there is two ways to do this. Either I confront the society with my decision and bear with the consequences or play by the duality rules like many are doing.

I don’t have enough courage to live my life the way I think I should be living it. Yet, I have lots of self respect not to let myself fall in the dual life/ double measures trap.

So, until a further notice I am keeping my virginity.

June 26, 2013

Different Pages, An Example.

Her: Honey, we should go to the opera ...
Him: We should have sex!

Her: Honey, we should have sex!
Him: I am taking you to the opera ...

June 25, 2013

The unsaid words of Him & Her - 1

Her: He says he loves me.

Him: And do you think he does?

Her: I don’t know. I don’t know him

Him: So?

Her: I don’t know. I didn’t need to know you to know that you love me ...
I knew you do. I know you do. I don’t need you to say you love me. I don’t need you to prove you love me.
I just know ... 
You love me, don’t you?

Him: I don’t really know ...

* he pulls her in for a long kiss*

June 10, 2013

On that Crazy Happy Thought

In our golden days, Sameh had the nice habit of sending me happy thoughts to sleep. One night, he said that my happy thought is an eunuch. I don’t remember whether he explained the term to me, or he asked me to google it. What counts is, I didn’t really like the idea. Years later, I think Sameh was right. An eunuch could be the happy thought I really need.

An eunuch in short is a castrated slave. The idea was so cruel. I honestly couldn’t get past the cruelty of the concept. “A castrated slave” how would this be a happy thought.

Cruelty aside and principles aside, an eunuch could really be a happy thought for a single mid-aged “girl” like me. “A safe company of a man”, what else would a girl want?

You would get a man to help you, he is your slave. He doesn’t really have the choice to deny you anything you want. He is castrated, so you don’t run the risk of having him sexually offending you. 
Even better, historically speaking women used partially castrated slaves for sexual favors. “They got the flowers of marriage not its fruits”.

So, all the problems of a single mid-aged woman could simply be solved by having an eunuch.

Think of this: A man who would please you, without you having to beg. A man, with no strings (no pain) attached.

Sounds perfect?

But then it is inhumane. 

May 27, 2013

On the things I’d rather be doing

I had to run errands this morning, and spent the rest of my morning packing for a trip that’s giving me anxiety attacks. Right now, I am supposed to be cooking. I have laundry piled up because my washing machine decided to break. I have lots of things that aren’t going to be done unless I do them.   
I can’t delegate, I can’t procrastinate, I can’t run and I can’t hide. The fact that I am being haunted with these tasks is draining me emotionally. The more I am emotionally drained, the more I feel the heaviness of the tasks waiting for me to be done.

And I end up stuck. I neither do the things I really want to do nor the things that are waiting for me to be done.

Let me start with the trip that’s giving me anxiety attacks. I am going Umrah, yes! Again! For the sixth year in a row! And honestly, I can’t be less excited. I don’t want to go. And I regret not saying NO clearly when I had the chance to do. I said yes, because I felt obligated to go. I didn’t want to leave my father alone. I felt obligated to go so I would be there if he needed me.

That would sum up lots of the things giving me the repetitive anxiety attacks.  I feel obligated to do something. Some will say that I am not obligated, that I can always say no, and simply do whatever I want to do. But those people can’t get the idea of the obligation. You are not obligated because someone asked you to do certain thing. You are obligated because you feel you are expected to do that certain thing.
You can’t run away from what you are expected to be doing. It will keep haunting you anyway. Guilt and regret will be the two dominating features of your life.

More of, if you kept doing the things that you have to do there will be a point in time when you totally forget about the things you really want to do.

You are stuck, as simple as that.

I’d rather not cook. I’d rather not to worry about who is going to eat what. I’d rather not worry about laundry. I’d rather not worry about a dirty kitchen or an apartment that needs to get cleaned up.

I’d rather not worry about how fast my father is getting old. I’d rather not watch as his health deteriorates.

I’d rather not worry about my brother and sister.

I’d rather not go on family vacations.

I’d rather not go spend a vacation in praying and shopping for gifts for all types of relatives.

I’d rather be on a beach, with a man who can’t have enough of me.

I’d rather be making love all day and night instead of praying all day and night!

I’d rather be sleeping.

I’d rather be trying out the things I have always feared to try.

I’d rather not be reminded that I am getting older and that I will live alone.

I’d rather be calm instead of being constantly anxious.

I’d rather do absolutely nothing instead of doing all the things I have to be doing.

I’d rather be enjoying the little things that I have been waiting for them to happen for years. Instead I am always being pulled out by things I’ve been trying to escape for years.

A couple of weeks ago a friend told me that I am not easily bored as I keep saying. He said that he thinks I am patient and persistent. He said the proof that I am patient and persistent is that I have been doing all the things I’d rather not do for years. He said that for an outsider I seem to be short tempered and easily bored while I am not.

And you know what. He is the first person to get how I exactly feel in really long time.

I am stuck.

And it isn’t easy to get out from where I am.

April 18, 2013

Encore une fois

I am in tears again.

He’s been making me cry too often

And every time I think he can’t do it again … he does

I am too old for this …

I am supposed to be smarter than this.

I thought I loved him then I said I don’t. Then he left and I broke in tears for days, weeks and when it turned into a month of tears I asked him to get back. He did.

When he did I said I don’t love him. But I do. And I am in tears.

I don’t want him to leave. But he will do.

I am too old for this.

I would beg him to stop.

But if I did he will leave. I don’t want him to leave.

I break in tears when he goes away …

I don’t want him to leave.

I am too old for this.

I am too old for this.

I am too old for this. 

March 20, 2013

In this life and more

In a parallel universe she is a strip dancer. Bold inside and out.

In a parallel universe they will meet in a bar. He drinks his favorite Scotch as she dances.

In a parallel universe he asks for a lap dance …

In a parallel universe the story doesn't end here. The story starts here and never ends.

In this universe they will meet. Their roads will cross. She isn't a strip dancer. She isn't bold but she is  courageous enough not to fear how different they are.

In this universe he doesn't get the lap dance. He doesn't enjoy her with his favorite scotch.

In this universe the story ends without even having a chance to start.

In both universes, she would love him anyway.

In a parallel universe he loves her too.

In this universe … he will just leave.

February 24, 2013

On Leaps of Faith

There is always a point in your life when your experiences tell you that you shouldn't be taking certain risks.

There is always a point in your life when you are on top of a mountain with no clear way back down and you know that you need to take a leap of faith.

There is always a point in your life when you step into darkness because you felt like trying the unnecessary risk instead of being trapped where ever you are.

There is always that point when you jump ....

Then you wake up on your crushed bones. Sometimes you heal and sometimes you just live with the pain.

Leaps of faith never really kill you, they only make you wish you were dead.

We never die ...

We live to tell the story ...

But one day hope will be overwhelming, your judgement will be clouded and you would see that jumping of the safety of the trap of your mountain is the wise thing to do.

One day you will trust the unknown enough to silence your experiences and the pain of the old crushed bones.

One day you will jump and you will wish you were dead.

But you will never die ... you will live.

You will always live ...

Unfortunately, your jump is never lethal. It is only deforming.

February 11, 2013

On a Side Note - 1

This might not have a future but it sure has a wonderful present.

One day at a time ... don't jump to conclusions.

Enjoy your present because there might not be a future anyway.


No, I am not ok.

I miss you. And I am not ok when I miss you.

And I can't tell you this because if I did you will get scared.

If you get scared you will break my heart.

And I will hate you ...

I don't want to hate you ...

I don't want you to be like those who broke my heart.

I want you to be different.

you are different ...

But I miss you.

I miss you and you think that I want things that will make you uncomfortable.

I don't

I won't

I just want you ...

I miss you.

January 29, 2013

Just do it ...

He feels too old doing what they do ...

She feels too vulnerable having to do it that way they do it ...

They both need a leap of faith, another one. A bigger one.

Just a leap of faith ... into the darkness, into the light.

January 26, 2013

On The Things We See

In the movie “Life of Pi”, the little boy thought the tiger was his friend. He told his father that he saw a soul in the tiger’s eyes. His father warned him that animals have no souls and whatever he sees in the tiger’s eyes are the reflections of his own feelings.

What if you are with someone and you feel too happy and you look him in the eye and you see that he is happy too. What if that was one of the happiest times you had in your life.
What if you lived under the impression that both of you were equally happy, because you have seen happiness in their eyes.

What if it wasn't there?

What if you only saw happiness because you were happy? What if what that person had was just a blank stare that your subconscious translated as a happy look because you needed it to be a happy look?

How would you know?

How can you possibly tell that whatever you are seeing is real and not just a reflection of your feelings?

January 16, 2013

Messages from Cloud Nine -1

Then came the moment when I realized that I haven't been happier in my whole life.

It was a rare moment of pure joy.

I was flying and no power on this earth was enough to bring me down.

The only thought that could possibly bring me back six feet under the ground is questioning the reality of the moment.

Was it real?

This is the only question that matters.

Nothing else matters if that moment was real.