September 03, 2013

On the closed closet ...

Remember Brad? I have been thinking about him lately. I think he is the worst man I have ever met in my whole life. It doesn’t mean my other men are better men.

But thinking about how it was played now, that guy had one intention from the very 1st moment he knew me. He decided to break my heart.

1st he played friends, then he said he wants it to be a date. Then he didn’t stop at a one date thing, he followed through. Then he disappeared and I found out from facebook he got engaged. He got engaged in the time he used to tell me he isn’t ready for commitment. He got engaged to a hijabi in the time he used to complain about my hijab. He got married, while he sold himself as the non marrying type.

That guy, met me, dated me, showed interest and feelings that you call can find evidence of in the blog with one intention, breaking my heart.

I can’t find any other reason.

He at times, intentionally deceived me. I, at times, intentionally ignored all the signs and warnings.

I was wrong, but that doesn’t make him right.

I have been going through all my relationships. All the men I dated, all the men I loved, all the men who crossed paths with me … I have been in a tour in the gallery of my broken hearts and I realized that each and every one of them knew me with only one intention. Breaking me …

I remember Mohamed’s last words in the night he broke up with me. I was hysterically sobbing and I could barely hold myself and he dared to look me in the eyes and say. “Shimaa you are strong, you will be fine, my mom and my cousin aren’t”.

I don’t know why exactly all of them got to that conclusion. That it is ok to break my heart.

I don’t know why exactly they all believed that I will be fine.

I don’t know why “breaking me” is so tempting.

They had fun. I am a nice company. I go the extra mile in a relationship. I try understand all the men issues. I play it cool.

I am well educated, I am sarcastic and I am a good friend.

I was kind to each and every one of them

And they did nothing but ruthlessly breaking my heart.

They intentionally broke my heart because I am strong and I will be fine.

Guess what … I am not fine.

Not anymore …


Anonymous said...

خابوا وخسروا
اغلب الرجال لايستطيعون التعامل مع المرأة ذات الشخصية القوية- بيحسوا ان (الايدج) بتاعهم مش موجود - يبقى الحل عشان مايحسش انه ضعيف وعاجز قدامك انه يحاول يكسرك ... ممكن اقول انت مهرة جميلة شرسة غير مروضة حرة وذكية - توليفة نادرة وقوية لكنها مخيفة....بس مين يفهم ...على راي اللي قال : يامدور الهين, ترى الكايد احلى...والله أعلم :)

Shimaa Gamal said...

أهلا و سهلا :)

أشكرك على الزيارة و التعليق

و الله أنا غلبانة :) مش شرسة ولا حاجة :)

يعني إيه بقى المثل اللي في الأخر ؟ :)

Anonymous said...

يعني ياللي بتفتش ع السهل (الهيِن) , الصعب (الكايد)احلى

Shimaa Gamal said...

حلو المثل :) أشكرك مرة تانية

Hani said...

what doesn't kill you, makes you stronger.

hang in there, just close your eyes and enjoy the silence.

a good company is nearly impossible to find.

think about this, was it love that you had for them or just your need to give love.

Shimaa Gamal said...

Hello Hani

It has always been love, never the need to give love.

I am in need to receive love, to be loved.

not vice-versa