June 29, 2007

Thank You

He always took me by surprise. He always left me puzzled how to thank him. Would a kiss be proper? Could it be enough? Does thank you sound unappreciative? How to find proper words to thank him for everything he has done to me?
How to thank him for the hope he re-introduced to my life. How to thank him for the smile he perfectly drew on my face. How to thank him for the good quality time we spent talking about almost everything. How to thank him for the flowers and the best first date I ever had in the life I lived. How to thank him for the amazing breakfast, for the warm talk, for the cozy feeling, for the buzz he left inside me, for the genuine fun and for the indescribable pleasure I enjoyed that day. How to thank him for technically slaying the dragons and let me brag I did it my own. How to thank him for letting me enjoy his presence. How to thank him for indulging me with his company.
Honey, I just can’t find enough words to show my appreciation. I am just too stupid to come up with something so please just accept my silly smile and my childish gaze. Thank you from deep of my heart.

June 25, 2007


I was writing something about Inquisition as everything around me reminds of me these dark ages. I had the feeling that I am being accused of being a heretic and the fire is waiting for me every where.
Anyway, I still believe that light is born from darkness ...
Can anyone see any light? :)

June 24, 2007

The AhlyCorner Incident

So, I enjoyed my first forum experience though it came to a horrible end. I discovered that there are still people out there who read, people who have minds, and people who are civilized enough to enjoy a decent discussion without taking the ideological conflict to personal level. I also enjoyed putting my theories in practice, my theories about men and women and about life as a whole.
I was the shocking experience, a single female who is happy being single, who has an attitude towards men and who isn’t afraid to speak up her mind. I scared most of them as I always do with most of the males who get to know me and I got the attention of them all.
I started by posting my old writings, my surveillance of the men’s empire, my views about cheating and a lot more. I added a discussion about marriage that became the most popular non Ahly topic on the forum. I didn’t fear envy as it was an almost all male community and I always believed men doesn’t include envy in their dictionary.
It was all going fine, we even added a chat box to the forum and we held what we called a daily show, the show about nothing and we called it the “mozzaz show” i.e. the chicks show. As I discovered that the only thing these bunch of men talk about without fight is the chick talk. In this show we discussed many topics, friendship, online friendship, love, marriage, even politics and little religion. The show was a success till we got an intruder.
The intruder is a male, who happen to be a friend of one of my friends who happen to be one of the forum administrators, the male intruder made a pass at me and I bounced him back, he re-tried and I bounced, he started to get on my nerves and I literally ate him alive and when he felt helpless he called me B*.
So, as a typical reaction I called my friend, the site administrator, and told him about what happened and he started defending his friend and after long discussion one more time I proved to be a good negotiator and I didn’t only eat the man alive I also got he banned forever from the forum. While discussing the incident with my friend he showed signs that he wants to hold me responsible for his friend’s actions because of my writings and my opinions about marriage and relations in general.
I thought the incident was over till a new intruder came into the chat box, this time it was a female, who seemed so interested in me. The female started attacking my writings by saying it lakes “el 7aya2” and that she is shocked that such writings are coming from and Egyptian, Arabic and Muslim female. This very same female started questioning my sexuality because of the “happy single” status posing questions like if I am a lesbian or if I would like to date females. I did a quick check and I discovered that this mysterious female is the very same male who attacked me before. So I requested opinions from my fellow administrators and moderators in a decent way. I only asked for opinions.
And here came the administrator friend, instead of admitting the incident he started an attack based on his female pretending friend that I am writing sexual material and I am breaking forum rules. He started editing and deleting my old posts claiming that someone should stop me.
So, in a try to hide his friend’s crime he tried to hold me responsible for his friend’s actions as I am the one who stimulated the MAN to say what he say because I am a BAD GIRL WHO NEEDS TO BE BEHAVED.

Unfortunately this friend of mine simply proved all my theories true by his actions and reactions.

He proved that most of the Egyptian men are ignorant by nature, he couldn’t understand the rules of the forum, which he didn’t write someone else did, and thought when the rules stated no sex that meant no sex discussions while it meant no erotic content. And though he is an administrator in the forum he rarely read any of the discussions and rarely participated because if he did he was going to discover that we have had discussed the sexual impact on every thing as sex is one of the key factors in the relationship between men and women. And he couldn’t understand the meaning of the sentence that he said was dirty “men have two heads”. Apparently he took it literally and that was what made him furious.

He proved that most Egyptian men has control issues, by his actions and claiming law enforcement he was trying to control the girl who needs curing as he described, the uncontrollable creature that attacks men and no one can stop her. so he thought by trying to force me to play by his rules and write what he thinks right he will make the men’s empire a big favor, unfortunately he didn’t.

He proved that most of Egyptian men have double measures. He objected my writings because I am a girl and I should be ashamed because I am that open.

The result was me quitting the forum, I can’t claim that it is their loss but I am sure the loss isn’t mine. I write anyway and my aim of writing isn’t to be read. I write because I can’t keep it to myself. And thanks to my dear friend S who showed me the way to have a blog and now at least someone out there might hear my scream.

So, I know I have been promoting AhlyCorner I guess it is about time to un-promote it.

What he did reminded me with European dark ages when they burnt those who speak their minds up alive.

Oh God, thanks for proving I was right one more time.

Just for those who care to know, after eating the male as a male alive, I ate the male pretending to be a female alive, and I attacked that so called friend and I left him between life and death. I won, and again it isn’t my loss to quit them. And between you and me probably their loss.

June 20, 2007

The Pull Away!!

I never claimed that I can understand men, I try, I fail and I repeat may be one day I will get lucky and get to understand men. Each time I fail I take a note.
Men are selfish, was the first note I took and up to that moment I didn’t meet a man who isn’t. Men need caves, thanks to John Gray’s famous book, now I know how a man cherishes his personal space. Men need to be appreciated, so the rule is to accept your man’s defects then admire his strengths to make him feel appreciated.
Long list of notes about the creatures called men. And I couldn’t find a way to understand the need for a man to pull away. I couldn’t adapt to that pulling away tendency. I can’t understand the reasons that make a man pull away in the critical time. Actually I should admit here that most of my traumatic experiences with men happened in the phase where the man pulled away.
The common scenario is me trusting a man then I start feeling that something has changed. And regardless my reaction it always ended badly. When I feel him pulling away I am usually left with one of two options, the first is to panic and start nagging about how and why he is pulling away and the result is usually the man escaping for his life from the crazy creature stalking him. The second option is to play cool and do nothing and it usually ends by the man losing interest in the woman who didn’t even bother to wonder why he pulled away.
Why men pull away? I can’t find an answer.

I thought of giving the men’s empire one last chance, but I think I won’t. I won’t be walking down that aisle again. I won’t go through the whole set of pain again. I need no fun that originates because of a man. I will keep the talks to the pillow, the tears in my eyes, and the rock right inside in the place of the heart.
I had enough notes and I need no more selfishness, I need to spare myself accepting flaws and admiring strengths, I need no more forged elevated egos, I can’t take another pull away, I won’t be waiting by a cave. I am not ready to show the ugly needy face of me, the creature that needs the warm talks, the long walks, the soft touches. I can’t take showing need and being abandoned. Why trade the happy single status with a puzzled in love status!!

If only I can understand men :(

Credits for the picture go to Hassan Aliyu

June 19, 2007

My Phobias

I am the most coward person on this earth; I fear almost everything in life.
I fear dogs, I fear any animal that is bigger than a cat, even cat sized animals are not amongst the best friends list, I fear most kinds of insects and I fear driving to the extent that I can’t lay a foot in my poor car. I get episodes of frustration for unknown reasons when I happen to stay on a bridge for more than a couple of minutes that makes “Kobry October” a miserable experience for me. I fear speed, I don’t enjoy thrilling games, I don’t watch scary movies, and even something like X-Files causes me sleepless nights. (But nowadays I can watch X-Files in company, which is an improvement) It took me years of training to start taking the elevator not the stairs. I fear high places, crowded places, sea, boats, darkness and injections.
Last night I discovered that I had a hidden phobia that I knew nothing about, I have a phobia that “Brad” will walk away without giving me reasons. I have a phobia that he will suddenly lose interest. I discovered that this phobia existed long time ago, I always assume that the “Brad” any “Brad” will just walk away. I start freaking out for unknown reasons for instance an unanswered phone call, a change in a habit or even an unchanged habit. I have a complicated mind that process things in a really scary way and the result is always a dead end.
I fear dogs because their bite will hurt and I will end up having injections that I fear because of the pain too. I fear driving because I don’t want to end in a black plastic bag. I fear bridges because I believe I will either fall of the bridge or the bridge will fall while I am on it. I fear animals because they can bite, hurt and eventually kill me. I fear scary movies, because why would I waste my time being scared. Why should I pay money and get hyper tension and increased heart rate in return. I fear high places because I will fall, crowded places because people are devils and I eventually will suffocate, sea because I don’t swim, and I couldn’t learn to swim because I know I will drown, boats because they live in the sea , I fear darkness because who wants to die without seeing what’s killing him.
All my phobias are related to death in a way, I fear death. But I can’t find a direct relation between the chance that Brad will disappear and death.
I Guess I owe Brad an apology for my manic behavior. And I will ask my psychiatrist to give me a discount.

June 12, 2007

Happy Thoughts for S

He made my days; he sent me happy thoughts to put me to sleep in my sleepless nights.
He appreciated me when no one else did. He listened when the world was a deaf ear. He was the proof that different men exists. He was the proof that “Men” exists, and the species isn’t only males. He is the friend, the elder brother, the sincere and wise voice that corrects my crazy actions.
I have recently been a horrible friend, and I don’t know how to make it up for him.
I will start by thinking of a list of happy thoughts and will try keeping it updated.

1- A cup of hot chocolate
2- A sunny day by the beach
3- A walk in the rain
4- Breakfast with me
5- Foot massage
6- Jacuzzi
7- A walk in the stars
8- A full board weekend in my Neverland
9- A full reset
10- Chocolate cake
11- Sahl 7asheesh
12- A full month paid vacation
13- Shahrazad in fur
14- Ice cream
15- A good sleep
16- Aquarium
17- To get out of the cave
18- Seafood soup
19- Warm winter morning
20- A three wish granting fairy.

June 08, 2007

My Date with Brad

I have been thinking of a better day, a day that I mark as the best I have ever had in the life I lived. I found so many days, good days, better days but none can be compared to that very special day he gave me. As it was my first time to meet him, I can’t remember exactly how I felt seeing him across the street, but I definitely remember him standing right there with a shinning smile and wearing an expected shade of blue. I remember that I didn’t have the regular second thoughts of running away, I didn’t ask myself the regular question that I have asked myself hundred times in each and every date I ever had, “are you sure you want to do this?” , I was just willing to cross that street and finally meet “the man”.
When I actually met the man, i.e. with the handshake, the little silly girl showed up. I transferred from the sure state of mind to the shy state of behavior.He brought me flowers, a huge bunch of red roses. I fought the urge to thank him with a kiss. He is the very first man ever to bring me flowers. I can’t remember if I thanked him or I just kept thinking if it is proper to kiss him thank you or not. I think the big smile on my face and the gaze in my eyes spoke of my appreciation.
I have to confess that I judge men from their cars. How messy is the car, how he keeps communication with his car and the most important point is how good he drives. And a good driver for me is the one who won’t make me scream a lot. One of my phobias is driving, I don’t drive myself, and I have troubles trusting other drivers. So I appreciate a man who will try to make me feel safe while helplessly sitting in his vehicle, he passed that test. He was fine, though I screamed twice, but he passed the car test.I made him lead, he is a man of manners and it wasn’t easy to convince him of my idea of men first. But he accepted my wishes and he led.
The first thing I said on the lunch table was “women don’t eat on dates”, he replied “you should have told me to bring the cam as far as you are just here to watch”. He is delicately funny. He knows how and when to crack a joke, How and when to tease and How and when to swallow his laughter. I liked his taste of choosing what to eat, just kept telling myself “my kind of man”.
Then small talks began, chats about the day, the stalker and the ex’s. The only thing I hated was my sudden pauses, I tend to be talkative, but I was so comfortable at many times that I just enjoyed the company more than the talk. And though I hated my short pauses but I liked something about them, I liked that I was silent and I wasn’t scared that I am turning him off. Thanks to him, he made me feel comfortable enough to start loosen up and more of “me” started to show up. I start talking to the surroundings, the uncooperative carrot in my plate, the glass of orange juice …etc. The best thing was him, sitting right in front of me with that adorable magical smile he has, with his eyes looking right into mine and straight into my inner soul. I remember I said breaking one of the short pauses that I am thinking that I should be talking now, but I don’t want to talk I am really enjoying the silence, I am enjoying the company. And the thing I didn’t tell him that I was enjoying his presence.
Then came the part I liked the most, dessert. I didn’t really feel like having dessert but I suggested that we can share something and he was happy to do. He went for a cheese cake and proved again that he is my kind of man. He said I don’t think we need the second fork, one is enough for us.

I am keeping the roses, the feeling of his lips on my hands, the big smile on my face and sure the light he introduced into my life.
The best date and the best day I ever had in the life I lived and I guess for long time to come.

I really don’t know if he really enjoyed it, I don’t know if he is having the same feelings I have. I feel like meeting him again, I feel like spending some more time together, I feel like sharing a sunset, a walk, and a sincere talk. I feel like exploring but it is still too early to explore. I just can’t keep the smile off my face, the smile he perfectly drew.
I keep remembering, the cup of coffee that turned to be a date, the bunch of roses he promised and brought, the cross roads and the signs, the different destinations and the different worlds.

June 03, 2007

Random Thoughts

I am still working on two chapters of my project I call book, illusions and analysis and the forbidden fruit. Seems that I need to taste the forbidden fruit to give the proper analysis as for the illusions seems I had too many to analyze!!

Flags – possession obsession, how we use flags to mark some persons as our territory, how effective are those flags, and do they really matter.
Is love is just a possession obsession.

I miss my old work, I never imagined that one day I will miss all the bad things I hated about it, I miss my nickname “Raya” and sure I miss working with “Sekeena”. I miss the way we used to track our victims, then slay them ruthlessly. I miss the ping pong game, while the victim is the poor tiny ball.
I miss deciding that a certain name should be slain, I miss those who got on my nerves, I miss controlling those nerves, I miss the payback time.

An advice old advice “mator2oseesh 3ala tablet 7ad” i.e. don’t get dragged to a fight that you didn’t start, don’t get dragged to a war that you won’t know how to end.

I am not the sweeping type, he (they) need to be swept of the ground. He (they) need a super character to make the dramatic entry to their stagnant waters. I don’t tend to be dramatic. I am arrogant enough to think I am an experience that can’t be missed, but I am wise enough to admit that I am not a sweeping experience.

To Whom It May Concern; every person has the right to contradict himself, because keeping integrity of opinions over time isn’t the wise choice, as everything in this life is dynamic, opinions should always reflect the dynamicity of life keeping in consideration the stativity of beliefs and backgrounds. So, it was never bad to have a second thought about anything, regardless how many second thoughts you have. It is only bad when beliefs are like ties changeable by a fashion decree.

He said, who is the poet now, you are the poet. Every time I read your writings I wonder who wrote them, this can’t be the girl I am talking to right now.
Sure, the one who writes is the one with the pain. The girl who talks to him every morning is the girl with the smile. I guess that defining a poet it will be a person with a pain implanted, or we can define the person as a poet with the pain extracted.
Hollowness makes ideas echo … I guess I need to be hollow one more time … I need the missing poet back.

June 02, 2007

Destination Neverland!

The silly me wrote;

My Neverland isn't Peter Ban's hometown; my neverland is where impossible is the normal daily routine, where dreams are the only reality we can have. In my neverland I don't need a happy thought to fly, because I am already flying. My neverland can be heaven and it might be hell, but definitely it is not a place that anyone can go, because it needs more than courage to leave the ground of certainties to fly in the skies of doubts. My neverland is where the word "never" is never used; it is where everything can happen, where everything is within reach.

My neverland is the only possible alternative to live the life the way it is supposed to be. It is where the right persons come in the right time to say the right words.

My neverland is the lost continent; no one can find it but those who are really willing, have the absolute courage and honestly believe that a place like neverland exists. Neverland is built on personal choices of those who built it. In neverland when there is a will, there is always away.

Neverland is my dream, Neverland is my heaven. Neverland is the only destination I will choose because you live in my neverland.

June 01, 2007

Virginty vs. Honor

While discussing marriage, honor as perceived by the Egyptian community was posed into the discussion. These were my initial thoughts with regard to the topic.
For the whole discussion click here

Mona asked about el sharaf, and the first thing that crossed my mind was the famous phrase “sharaf el bent zay 3ood el kabreet, maywla3sh 3'ier mara wa7da bas”.
Actually this phrase was used in the mid 20th century, now in the dawn of the 21st century, sharaf el bent, in the way intended in the original phrase, is like el wala3a .. beywala3 we yewala3 .. to infinity ..

The community’s definition for virginity is, to keep the girl’s hymen intact till her wedding night, in the mid 20th century when the famous match stick metaphor was used, this very same community had a disrespectful way to prove that this thing is still intact, a midwife, will have the honor of de-flowering the bride, in front of her female relatives, and probably the groom, after she does, she will wave the piece of cloth she used to the male relatives, so they can celebrate the proof of sharaf bentohom.

I know that you are all over 18 yrs old, which is adult enough to explain to you this disrespectful process of proving that a girl is shareefa in the Egyptian dictionary.

So, if this white cloth for any reason didn’t get out red, it will turn red anyway, but this time by the bride’s father’s hands. He will deliberately kill his own daughter, because if the cloth is still white this will only mean that this girl isn’t shareefa in the Egyptian dictionary.

By the end of the very same 20th century and with the rise of mama Karima Mokhtar, and the whole birth control campaign to control the Egyptian baby boom. They started introducing new concepts about hymen to the Egyptian public, the scene of a gynecologist smiling to the cameras, explaining that there is always a probability for the hymen not to be broken in the wedding night, and this will never affect the virginity of the girl and consequently not all the white cloth means that the girl mesh shareefa ..

By the millennium, Egypt had to get into the new era, the internet became everywhere, satellite channels are mandatory in every home, and boys and girls are no longer enjoying the white cloth extravaganza. Boys and girls discovered that they can both enjoy each other, without touching the hymen.
For instance, oral sex; a man will always enjoy a blow, and he won’t be harming his sweet heart holly hymen.
Other kinds, of pleasure that will satisfy the man, and mostly the woman without having to engage in the forbidden zone, and even if it happened, we have almighty doctors who will simply do a procedure to get the girl back as good as new, so when she next time sleep with sab3 el bromba, who will be looking for a virgin, she will pretend virginity, and her holly hymen will be intact.

So, as the definition of 3ood el kabreet can’t fit into today’s world, I have another logic to see virginity, and my way to see virginity goes both ways, for males and females.
I have to mention first that in the modern world, where they teach sex at school and equip young girls with condoms instead of morals. They define a virgin as the person who never engaged in penetrative sex which means that those who engage in any other form of sex are virgins regardless the act.
So, the virgin in my point of view is the person who never been introduced to the sex world. Virginity isn’t related to the body, it is related to the soul. So the virgin is the person who never craved sex, never sake sex, who never gazed on an eye with that crave, who never had the long handshakes to feel the warmth of the other, who never had those casual touches. We are born virgins, but we lose our virginity to time.

I want to state one point clear, I believe that each and everyone has the right to do what he wants to do, having sex without marriage isn’t something that dishonor a person, how and why he is having this sex is what really matters, Keeping the religion values aside, and traditions neutral.

So, it is a huge mistake to refer to virginity as honor, or to refer to virginity as a girl thing, and those who say but the girl has a seal that proves whether she is a virgin or not, can’t be any more wrong, a virgin man will act virgin, and a virgin girl will act virgin regardless the holly seal.

I can't write, I can't think ...