June 19, 2007

My Phobias

I am the most coward person on this earth; I fear almost everything in life.
I fear dogs, I fear any animal that is bigger than a cat, even cat sized animals are not amongst the best friends list, I fear most kinds of insects and I fear driving to the extent that I can’t lay a foot in my poor car. I get episodes of frustration for unknown reasons when I happen to stay on a bridge for more than a couple of minutes that makes “Kobry October” a miserable experience for me. I fear speed, I don’t enjoy thrilling games, I don’t watch scary movies, and even something like X-Files causes me sleepless nights. (But nowadays I can watch X-Files in company, which is an improvement) It took me years of training to start taking the elevator not the stairs. I fear high places, crowded places, sea, boats, darkness and injections.
Last night I discovered that I had a hidden phobia that I knew nothing about, I have a phobia that “Brad” will walk away without giving me reasons. I have a phobia that he will suddenly lose interest. I discovered that this phobia existed long time ago, I always assume that the “Brad” any “Brad” will just walk away. I start freaking out for unknown reasons for instance an unanswered phone call, a change in a habit or even an unchanged habit. I have a complicated mind that process things in a really scary way and the result is always a dead end.
I fear dogs because their bite will hurt and I will end up having injections that I fear because of the pain too. I fear driving because I don’t want to end in a black plastic bag. I fear bridges because I believe I will either fall of the bridge or the bridge will fall while I am on it. I fear animals because they can bite, hurt and eventually kill me. I fear scary movies, because why would I waste my time being scared. Why should I pay money and get hyper tension and increased heart rate in return. I fear high places because I will fall, crowded places because people are devils and I eventually will suffocate, sea because I don’t swim, and I couldn’t learn to swim because I know I will drown, boats because they live in the sea , I fear darkness because who wants to die without seeing what’s killing him.
All my phobias are related to death in a way, I fear death. But I can’t find a direct relation between the chance that Brad will disappear and death.
I Guess I owe Brad an apology for my manic behavior. And I will ask my psychiatrist to give me a discount.

1 comment:

Miss Egyptiana "Trapped Soul" said...

that is a very long list dear... but i guess the main reason is that you lack trust in the outer world, and anything that is not you...

as for brad!!! it is so normal to have such a feeling... when i go thru good moments, or meet someone special ... the first thing i think about is when i will loose what i have now!! very gloomy i know... but life hasn't been so kind ... loss is associated with death... death is another meaning of loss, or vice versa...

doesn't really matter

i taught myself to enjoy whats in my hand.. and stop expecting .. good or bad ... just live it ...

coldplay song - speed of sound :
How long am I gonna stand,
with my head stuck under the sand?