Pages from a Torn Diary - The Stab

October 12, 2009

So, this is one thing that I don’t think I will even be able to say.
The other women he knows and calls friends makes me feel like I am naked in a line up.
I am exposed, humilated and dumped.

I made it clear in many occasions that I don’t like him knowing as much women. He keeps calling them friends and he keeps choosing them over me.

I am exposed, humilated and dumped!

X and Y - The Question

X: (breaking a long pause) now what?

Y: (hysterically sobbing) why didn't you love me? 

X: (silently gazing at her)

Y: (falling to the floor weeping*) 

* as she wept on the floor waiting for an answer that she knew will never get. she replayed every single incident of her life in her head. she realized that he did nothing different than what they all did. But she wanted him to be different. He wasn't different and since then her whole life have been falling apart.

Dear X

ما حدا بيعبى مطرحك بقلبى

At Arm’s Length

Many years ago I had Brad on phone and Mohamed (the ex) called. I chose not to take that call and finish my call with Brad. Before that day Mohamed always had priority. Only family came before him. But that day I decided that Brad is more important.

I called him later and we had a fight over Brad. It wasn’t the first time. He fought about Brad since he knew about his presence in my life. He fought about every single male I had in my life. Friends, relatives, colleagues and potential dates. He was jealous. He said he loved me and he can’t see me with someone else. He wanted me to be his while he kept on with his plans to marry his cousin. The last thing he said in that call was when you need me you know how to find me. And we didn’t call ever again. Brad disappeared, then re-appeared and finally disappeared. I have been missing Mohamed ever since that day, needed just to hear his voice many times. But I didn’t call him.

I can tell you a long list of why I didn’t call him. All rational reasons but honestly the only reason I didn’t try to contact him is that I know him enough to know he won’t take me back easily. That he will make sure he punished me enough before taking me back. And again it will be his rules. I will have to be available as a full package and do with whatever he decides to give me. And I couldn’t do this to myself. I just couldn’t take the idea of being blamed for trying to do the same thing he did to me. I couldn’t take the idea that he has the right to have a wife while I am the one who has to compromise to be with the man she loves. If he loved me too he should have compromised for me. I felt I deserved that much. I felt I deserved to be the woman he introduces to everyone. Not the one with no right to call unless no one is around.

It took me years to get with Mohamed to that point. It took me years to be unable to play with his rules. Brad actually helped. He was the voice that told me how magnificent I was. I felt good and capable of breaking the link with Mohamed. It wasn’t as painful. I was angry. I was deeply angry and heartbroken and I had that nice guy telling me all the nice things. So I hung up the phone and I never called him back.

I didn’t try to hunt Brad when he disappeared for the 2^nd time. I don’t know if I ever loved Brad. I once told a friend that I loved him. But I am not sure. I am passing through a phase of being unable of deciding why I did certain things. I am not sure. And I can’t tell whether the things I have done were right or wrong and consequently I can’t tell now whether the things I am doing are right or wrong.

Then there was that guy. I can tell I loved him. And I played it cool. I waited and I waited. I gave all the hints. I made all the signs. Everyone noticed but him. I had two choices to walk away or to stay and wait for a little more. One night I wrote him a message “I love you” but instead of sending it I saved it to drafts. I wasn’t ready to deal with the aftermath so I waited.

 I waited till an incident happened and I got crazy. And to cut a long story short. I lost the guy. He is with someone else now. And I can’t walk away. He never knew I loved him. At least I never told him directly I did. I wasn’t ready to deal with the aftermath. So, I preferred to play with his rules. To be kept at his arm’s length. I preferred that he gets to enjoy the full package and I settle for whatever he has to offer. 

I wasn’t ready to lose him. I wasn’t ready to call him and say I love you I don’t want you to be with other women. I wasn’t ready to lose him. I am still not ready to lose him. I can’t live without him. I have tried to replace him with everything but nothing fits. A friend once told me that my love for the guy is more a companionship. Another friend told me that it is logical that I don’t like any of the men people try to set me up with because I already found the perfect company, that’s him.

 Maybe they are right. I told you before I am going through the “can’t tell” phase. So maybe it was just the joy of companionship. Maybe it is that he is the type of company I wanted for the journey I settled and didn’t check other options. Maybe the love was for the company not the person, I can’t really tell.

But what I can tell right now is that I am doing something that I would have told anyone is wrong to be done. I am comparing that guy with someone else unintentionally sometimes and intentionally in other times. I am taking decisions with the new guy based on how the reactions with that guy were. I know them better than thinking they both will give the same reactions. I am aware that I have been mixing and probably punishing each of them for the other’s mistakes. I know that I pulled away my hand once and didn’t touch one of them because the other hates to be touched. I know how different they are. 

But I know one thing. Both will never take the step to meet me half way. Or maybe I am wrong. I can’t tell. Maybe only one of them wasn’t able to do this. And that I should stop comparing because maybe the other one will meet me half way. Because I was able to tell that one that I love him and that I want a relationship not just whatever we have. Maybe, he will get past his many reasons (that I am sure all valid and rational) that make it more convenient for him to keep me at arm’s length. Maybe he will come around.

And if he didn’t … I don’t know but it is just unfair to be kept at arm’s length. But what if this is as good as it gets? The worse is what if they keep you at arm’s length because they know that this is as good as it gets. That you have never done better. That it is a long history of being kept at arm’s length. And it is ok to do so to you.

What if the idea of missing you is better than the idea of being with you? Isn’t it all about that? You stick to a person because you can’t lose them?

What if this is as good as it gets? The best you can have is to be at arm’s length from the person you love and want for life. Arm’s length is near enough but yet too far from where you want to be. Will you settle for the best you can have or try to find the best you think you deserve even if you can’t tell whether or not you deserve better than the best you have already earned?

Am I making any sense?

Again & Again & Again & Again

Dear X

So the thing is, I loved you. I loved you for years, silently. Everyone noticed except you. I had to give sign after sign, hint after hint. Everyone noticed but you. Till I got to the point where I doubted if you knew but the game was too good for you to ruin.

I will never know whether or not you were one of those who noticed. I will never know whether or not you missed seeing the passion everyone else saw. I will never know if you ever knew that it was the thought of you that lightened up my smile in all those pictures.

And because I will never know, he had to know I love him. He had to know that the privileges he enjoys aren't the regular package for friendship. He needed to know that I want more. I needed to know how off the idea will be for him. Because I know the idea was so off for you.

Dear X

The thing is I loved you. I loved you deeply that years had passed and I can't tell whether or not I am over you. I loved you and now I can't trust my judgements and I have to re-examine every step I ever took in my life. And even then I won't be able to tell if I was ever right. Or what would have happened if I looked you in the eyes and told you "I love you". "I want you to be mine". " I don't want to be reminded that there are other women in you life". " I want you to pick me, to choose me, to love me"

I can never tell now what would have happened. Back then I was able to tell. I was able to wait till you come around because telling you would have scared you. But you never came. You picked someone else.

I loved you. I trusted you. But you betrayed me.

That's why I need to look him in the eyes and tell him. "I love you. I want you to be mine. I don't want you to be seeing other women. I love you, so much it hurts. So pick me. Choose me. Love me. "

The thing is. I don't know what I should do anymore.

Love, S

X & Y ... A much needed conversation

X: I still run to you. After all this time. After all these trials of not to. I still run to you.

It hurts ... Not only because you aren't there any more. But because I know it is wrong. I know I shouldn't be missing you. I shouldn't be thinking of you as my person.

It hurts ... Because I can't tell anymore if you were ever my person.

It hurts ... because for every time I run to you it means all my plan b's had failed and you are still irreplaceable.


I run to you ... I still run to you.


Y: (blank facial expression) ( a pause of deadly silence)

Drafts, Page 1

I did the right thing. I chose what seemed the right thing at the right moment of time. But the outcome of all these rights is just wrong.

I did the right thing ... But the right thing was wrong.

This one goes to ... You

Because nothing will ever fill your place in my heart

A Perfect Triangle

He is my soul-mate

I am not his ... She is!

X & Y – An Unlikely Scenario

X (Narrating) : It was a completely out of character move for both of us. It just happened. As wrong as it might sound but I think it was supposed to happen long time ago.

Yes, we are together now and, again, as wrong as this might sound. It is the best-est thing I, we, did in a while.

Y (Narrating): I watch him sleep. We sure make love and everything. We watch television, we discuss books and he handles my pillow thoughts first hand. But the best part is when he fall asleep right beside me and I just watch him sleep.

Yes, we are together now. It just happened. And as wrong as it might sound it is just the best-est thing I, he, did in a life-time.

Who cares about tomorrow, we are living in the now. I watch him sleep and this is all what matters.

X and Y - One more time

My Dearest X

So here is the thing. The problem was never that things were in my head. The problem was never that I have always been right.

The problem is I have always known I am right, and just hoped it was in my head.

That's why I kept turning a blind eye and accepting lame excuses.

It was never that I might be wrong ...

I am almost never wrong ...

I just wanted "you" to be right ...

And you know you never were ... and you never will be!

Your's Truly,

Y

X & Y – Curtain Falls

Y finally facing X

Y: Here is the thing. The problem, our problem, was never that I didn’t have the courage to tell you. It was never that I wasn’t sure of how I feel, or how you would have reacted to how I feel. The problem has always been that we both knew. We both knew that the step I took towards you that morning was the end of my hesitation and the start of yours.

And because we both knew, I never tried to face you with what I know you knew. Because facing you would have meant that you will have to decide and I knew you enough to know that your decision will always be the safety of pushing me away.

I chose the indecisive state because I was aware of the games both our minds were playing. And I believe you were aware too but you have always denied them.

So, you don’t get to blame me for not telling you back then. Blame no one but yourself because you knew. You were aware that it is you who I really wanted. You knew that I needed a spoonful of you in my life and I believe you needed a spoonful of me in your life too. But you had other plans of having me along your “other things”. And you were sure I won’t ever mind because you knew I needed you.

You don’t get to blame me for you poor choices. You don’t get to blame me for choosing the only option that would have led to you losing me eventually.

You don’t get to play surprised because you are not.

You don’t get to ask me why I didn’t tell you, because I did.

I told you every day with everything I did. And I don’t think there was a better way to tell you that I am in love with you …

I am in love with you

- The end -

The Story of X & Y (a re-take)

Y: (breaking the silent prayer for faith) I want you, I wanted you.

X: (still walking away)

Y: It wasn’t only your reaction that held me back

X: (still walking away but in a slower pace)

Y: I wasn’t sure I can afford the risk. I wanted you from the very first day. But each day made me closer to you and the closer I got the harder it was to let you go.

X: (stops but still not looking at y)

Y: I wasn’t sure if I can live without you so I settled for the nothing you had to offer.

X: expected!! Everything is always about “YOU”

Y: No, it wasn’t about me. It was never ONLY about me. If it was only about me I would have told you. I would have faced you with everything I felt. I would have kissed you when I wanted. But I didn’t. And it wasn’t just because I couldn’t afford letting you go.

X: (finally turning) so what was it that held you back?

Y: (in hysterical tears) I couldn’t afford to break your heart.

X: (silent, hesitant to take a step towards Y, standing still)

Y: (almost collapsing) It worth the risk. Please. Kiss me!

X: (in cold, indifferent tone) I can’t.

The Story of X & Y

After many years from now ....

X: You should have told me back then.

Y: it wouldn’t have made any difference

X: it wasn’t your call to make.

Y: and now you know. What difference this will make?!

X: silence

Y: I would have told you if I was sure. You knew and you didn’t do a thing. You are not stupid, you knew. I would have told if I was sure that the only thing that was keeping you from taking the step was fear or doubt. I would have told you if you were really that stupid. But you knew and I wasn’t sure.

X: You weren’t sure of how I would have reacted?

Y: no, I wasn’t sure if I can take this reaction. I was sure of your reaction, I wasn’t sure I could have taken it. I preferred to live on the doubt that maybe you had feelings for me and you were that stupid not to notice that I have them back. I preferred to live with a lie than facing the ugly truth.

X: I don’t think I am that cruel.

Y: So?!

X: (silently moving away)

Y: (silently praying for faith)

Sigh!

Y: You know, you are not my only failure.

X: I never knew I was one of your goals.

Y: Well, that explains why I failed!

Once Upon a Time in Neverland

Y: I can’t keep on that lame dance for good. You got to make choices. You have to decide which side you are.


X: You are scaring me.


Y: I never thought the idea of losing me will scare you that much.


X: it isn’t. The idea of marrying you is!

Picture: Rebecca Amroian