October 31, 2011

Again & Again & Again & Again

Dear X

So the thing is, I loved you. I loved you for years, silently. Everyone noticed except you. I had to give sign after sign, hint after hint. Everyone noticed but you. Till I got to the point where I doubted if you knew but the game was too good for you to ruin.

I will never know whether or not you were one of those who noticed. I will never know whether or not you missed seeing the passion everyone else saw. I will never know if you ever knew that it was the thought of you that lightened up my smile in all those pictures.

And because I will never know, he had to know I love him. He had to know that the privileges he enjoys aren't the regular package for friendship. He needed to know that I want more. I needed to know how off the idea will be for him. Because I know the idea was so off for you.

Dear X

The thing is I loved you. I loved you deeply that years had passed and I can't tell whether or not I am over you. I loved you and now I can't trust my judgements and I have to re-examine every step I ever took in my life. And even then I won't be able to tell if I was ever right. Or what would have happened if I looked you in the eyes and told you "I love you". "I want you to be mine". " I don't want to be reminded that there are other women in you life". " I want you to pick me, to choose me, to love me"

I can never tell now what would have happened. Back then I was able to tell. I was able to wait till you come around because telling you would have scared you. But you never came. You picked someone else.

I loved you. I trusted you. But you betrayed me.

That's why I need to look him in the eyes and tell him. "I love you. I want you to be mine. I don't want you to be seeing other women. I love you, so much it hurts. So pick me. Choose me. Love me. "

The thing is. I don't know what I should do anymore.

Love, S

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