Friends and Self Confidence

I am going through an episode of lack of self-confidence. I have been going through it for a while. I can’t really tell when it started, but I know it started small and right now I am suffocating with feeling incompetent.

Let’s first start by stating that usually I am a highly confident person, some would call me arrogant. But I don’t fit the definition of arrogant, I am just confident. The said confidence got shaken repeatedly. I won’t call my life generally a failure, but my love life definitely is. And my love life has been the major source of self-confidence shakes.

With each man and each failure I lost a piece of my self-confidence.  “H” left me totally defeated. I tried rebounding after him but the rebounds added insult to injury. So, for the 1^st time in my life I decided that being single is fine, and not looking is fine. I meet interesting men and I dare not like them, and if I ever liked any of them I dare not show it. I just like them from afar and enjoy the crush till it fades.

I thought that would leave whatever left of my self-confidence safe but little did I know. My self-confidence got deeply shaken because of male friends.

For every time a male friend decides to emotionally approach a girl, all what comes to my mind is why not me. I know friends are friends. I know I never think of them this way, but I just can’t help it.

Why them not me?

And my male friends start listing the things they like about other girls, and I start remembering the things they don’t like about me. And everything comes back to the surface. Everything … Ahmed’s mother, HH’s games, Mohammed’s betrayal, Brad’s turn offs list and even the 5^th and 6^th October incidents with Sameh.

It all hits me in the face.

I am just a friend to them because they never liked me the other way, and though I never liked them the other way it somehow deeply hurts me.

I know I am lonely, I feel defeated. My dry season has been going on since forever. I know I shouldn’t let these feelings get to me. And I know I am risking losing my male friends because of the said episode.

And knowing all these, especially the last fact that probably I am going to lose my male friends because of my feelings, doesn’t make it any better.

I am self-confidence- less.

Well, maybe I have some left, because I managed to write my feelings down and I risked sharing them with the world.

I am having an episode and I don’t know how to help myself out of it.

Milestones

Remember when I wrote that I didn’t like my options?

I remember the time when I decided to give up. I gave up my job, I gave up my dreams. I gave up lots of my appetite for living.

Nothing seemed to work. So I decided not to exert any more efforts. I decided to stay where I was.

And I also remember when he posted a job vacancy. A job that might be considered trivial by many. It was a part time job, a work from home job. He wanted someone to assist him in doing a research for a new book he was planning to write.

I was never more hesitant than that night looking at that Ad. It looked as if it was tailored for me, all he wanted was someone who is an avid reader, and thorough researcher. Both are things that I do on daily basis, and I have done extended researches in my post-graduate studies. Yet I hesitated a lot. I didn’t have enough confidence. I feared that he won’t find me fit for that job.

I applied anyway, I decided not to put real hopes on getting it and convinced myself that I have nothing to lose.

I won!

I got the job. And for little less than a year, I wrote daily reports of my finding and my comments on them. I enjoyed insightful discussion.

For less than a year, I did something that I loved and I got paid for doing it.

Then he gave me my fairytale. He offered me a job as a writer!

Lots of girls spend their childhoods dreaming of prince charming, I spent my childhood and most of my adulthood dreaming of being given such opportunity exactly the way it was offered.

The night he made the offer, was literally the best day in my life. I don’t remember that I ever jumped and danced while unable to resist crying out of joy.

Then he died. I still can’t process that. If I was ever asked to name loss, I think I will say Mom and him. I have no other names that could fit the definition of loss.

He got me out of my dark place.

He gave me the best night of my life, he gave me a chance to enjoy little victories. He gave me life, even if some will say that I am holding on to an illusion. But I will enjoy my illusion while it lasts.

When I was dancing with joy celebrating the best night in my life, I looked around me to find someone who would be as happy for me. I had to wait for my sister to share the news and dance for a few minutes before she fell asleep.

With every little victory, I look around me and search for someone to celebrate with.

My childhood dream always had someone beside me, a man, a lover, a husband who cares and celebrates. But I got the dream sans the man.

And it is totally fine.

At first I felt lonely, sometimes I still do. But I will be such an ungrateful person if I said I have no one who cares and celebrates.

I am surrounded by a loving family, and a huge network of loyal friends.

I am really grateful to have people like them in my life. And I will never trade such love and care with a love of a man.

Today is one of those days that can be considered a little victory. And I am writing this to make sure that you know, all of you … each and every one of you. People who have spent time reading my drafts and correcting them. People who have heard me nag for hours, people who comforted me when I was down. People who encouraged me to keep going.  People who loved me unconditionally through years.

I am not going to name names, each and every one of you knows exactly what she/ he has been doing. I want you to know that I am really grateful. And there is nothing that I can say or do to thank you enough.

I am blessed I have you.

And if it weren’t for you I wouldn’t have reached the 100 articles mark.

Thank you!

On Loneliness: Definition

There are points in one’s life when something really big happens. Maybe losing a loved one, or seeing one of your dreams coming true.

A moment of pure joy or deep sadness, the type of moment you look around to share with someone. Someone who understands your excitement, someone who will dance a night away to celebrate your happiness. Someone who would hold you tight to ease an unbearable pain.

There are huge moments in one’s life that one needs to share them. They are too big to be lived alone.
When one can’t find someone to share such moments with, that one is officially lonely.

Q.E.D

On the things that can’t be said

There was that moment, I was lying on the floor unable to move, unable to think, unable to do anything but weeping. I wanted the whole world to freeze. I wanted to spend the rest of whatever I have in life there on the floor crying my heart out. Then it occurred to me, that my family will be back and they won’t like that scene. They will get shocked and they will ask me “what’s wrong with you”.

The idea that someone might ask me “what’s wrong with you” and care to wait for an answer past the “nothing wrong” answer was the only reason I got off that floor & stopped crying.

All what I know that as much as it feels right to just surrender to the feeling it is too dreadful to have to explain it to anyone.

What am I supposed to say?

What am I supposed to say?

At Arm’s Length

Many years ago I had Brad on phone and Mohamed (the ex) called. I chose not to take that call and finish my call with Brad. Before that day Mohamed always had priority. Only family came before him. But that day I decided that Brad is more important.

I called him later and we had a fight over Brad. It wasn’t the first time. He fought about Brad since he knew about his presence in my life. He fought about every single male I had in my life. Friends, relatives, colleagues and potential dates. He was jealous. He said he loved me and he can’t see me with someone else. He wanted me to be his while he kept on with his plans to marry his cousin. The last thing he said in that call was when you need me you know how to find me. And we didn’t call ever again. Brad disappeared, then re-appeared and finally disappeared. I have been missing Mohamed ever since that day, needed just to hear his voice many times. But I didn’t call him.

I can tell you a long list of why I didn’t call him. All rational reasons but honestly the only reason I didn’t try to contact him is that I know him enough to know he won’t take me back easily. That he will make sure he punished me enough before taking me back. And again it will be his rules. I will have to be available as a full package and do with whatever he decides to give me. And I couldn’t do this to myself. I just couldn’t take the idea of being blamed for trying to do the same thing he did to me. I couldn’t take the idea that he has the right to have a wife while I am the one who has to compromise to be with the man she loves. If he loved me too he should have compromised for me. I felt I deserved that much. I felt I deserved to be the woman he introduces to everyone. Not the one with no right to call unless no one is around.

It took me years to get with Mohamed to that point. It took me years to be unable to play with his rules. Brad actually helped. He was the voice that told me how magnificent I was. I felt good and capable of breaking the link with Mohamed. It wasn’t as painful. I was angry. I was deeply angry and heartbroken and I had that nice guy telling me all the nice things. So I hung up the phone and I never called him back.

I didn’t try to hunt Brad when he disappeared for the 2^nd time. I don’t know if I ever loved Brad. I once told a friend that I loved him. But I am not sure. I am passing through a phase of being unable of deciding why I did certain things. I am not sure. And I can’t tell whether the things I have done were right or wrong and consequently I can’t tell now whether the things I am doing are right or wrong.

Then there was that guy. I can tell I loved him. And I played it cool. I waited and I waited. I gave all the hints. I made all the signs. Everyone noticed but him. I had two choices to walk away or to stay and wait for a little more. One night I wrote him a message “I love you” but instead of sending it I saved it to drafts. I wasn’t ready to deal with the aftermath so I waited.

 I waited till an incident happened and I got crazy. And to cut a long story short. I lost the guy. He is with someone else now. And I can’t walk away. He never knew I loved him. At least I never told him directly I did. I wasn’t ready to deal with the aftermath. So, I preferred to play with his rules. To be kept at his arm’s length. I preferred that he gets to enjoy the full package and I settle for whatever he has to offer. 

I wasn’t ready to lose him. I wasn’t ready to call him and say I love you I don’t want you to be with other women. I wasn’t ready to lose him. I am still not ready to lose him. I can’t live without him. I have tried to replace him with everything but nothing fits. A friend once told me that my love for the guy is more a companionship. Another friend told me that it is logical that I don’t like any of the men people try to set me up with because I already found the perfect company, that’s him.

 Maybe they are right. I told you before I am going through the “can’t tell” phase. So maybe it was just the joy of companionship. Maybe it is that he is the type of company I wanted for the journey I settled and didn’t check other options. Maybe the love was for the company not the person, I can’t really tell.

But what I can tell right now is that I am doing something that I would have told anyone is wrong to be done. I am comparing that guy with someone else unintentionally sometimes and intentionally in other times. I am taking decisions with the new guy based on how the reactions with that guy were. I know them better than thinking they both will give the same reactions. I am aware that I have been mixing and probably punishing each of them for the other’s mistakes. I know that I pulled away my hand once and didn’t touch one of them because the other hates to be touched. I know how different they are. 

But I know one thing. Both will never take the step to meet me half way. Or maybe I am wrong. I can’t tell. Maybe only one of them wasn’t able to do this. And that I should stop comparing because maybe the other one will meet me half way. Because I was able to tell that one that I love him and that I want a relationship not just whatever we have. Maybe, he will get past his many reasons (that I am sure all valid and rational) that make it more convenient for him to keep me at arm’s length. Maybe he will come around.

And if he didn’t … I don’t know but it is just unfair to be kept at arm’s length. But what if this is as good as it gets? The worse is what if they keep you at arm’s length because they know that this is as good as it gets. That you have never done better. That it is a long history of being kept at arm’s length. And it is ok to do so to you.

What if the idea of missing you is better than the idea of being with you? Isn’t it all about that? You stick to a person because you can’t lose them?

What if this is as good as it gets? The best you can have is to be at arm’s length from the person you love and want for life. Arm’s length is near enough but yet too far from where you want to be. Will you settle for the best you can have or try to find the best you think you deserve even if you can’t tell whether or not you deserve better than the best you have already earned?

Am I making any sense?

But ... He is just not that into you!

I am reading "He is just not that into you". And the book is hilarious but painful because the joke though so funny but it is on me. I have been sharing quotes and I will be sharing more quotes. But there is a certain quote that I’d rather share again here along the comment I got from one of my friends. Then I have a little comment on that comment. This could be added to what I have written here before.

The quote was:

I don’t want to ruin the friendship” excuse is a racket. It works so well because it seems so wise. Sex could mess up a friendship. Unfortunately, in the entire history of mankind, that excuse has never ever been used by someone who actually means it. If we’re really excited about someone, we can’t stop ourselves—we want more. If we’re friends with someone and attracted to them, we’re going to want to take it further. And please, don’t tell me he’s just “scared.” The only thing he’s scared of—and I say this with a lot of love—is how not attracted to you he is!

– He is just not that into you

My friend commented:

Stop reading this boookkkk :) :)

Well women should really see the positive side.

1) The guy lied to her to not make her feel bad so he cares

2) God saved her from getting into a forced relation

3) She got to keep the guy around and hunt for another one.

And because I am still under the influence of the book and the idea that led me to write the inevitable post I can’t see anything positive in that.

1- Because when the guy uses the “I don’t want to ruin the friendship” card he cares but not really about the girl. He cares more about his loss of her company. Guys get lonely too, and girl friends are good cushion till they find the girl of their dreams. Girl friends are as good as girlfriends but with no sex unless off course the guy managed to talk her into friends with benefits. And this is a completely different story. The point is, he cares but not only for the girl. He cares for himself more.

2- There is nothing like a forced relationship. Off course the friend who would care too much about the feelings of his poor girl friend might give in to her pressure. Which is rare, no man would give in to pressure to be in a relationship but let’s play along. Let’s assume he will be drunk, sedated or desperate and will give her a chance. He is still won’t be into her and he will still get out of that relationship. It won’t happen until he wants it.

3- Getting to keep the guy around isn’t really a positive thing. It is emotionally draining. It could work for a man, because that’s what men do. But it won’t work for a girl because she won’t be able to hunt for a new guy as long as she wants that guy. Her hunt is over. Unlike men who keep hunting for preys by instinct whether or not they are in a relationship.

The thing that most men forget is that women take time to decide. Unlike men who decide from the 1^st 10 minutes in a date whether or not they want a relationship with that person. It takes women a while to decide. Unless the guy is so off, a woman needs a couple of dates to decide and even after that she will keep asking around her girl friends whether or not the guy ticked enough items on the good guy list. It will take a woman a significant amount of time to know that it is ok to be with a certain guy. It takes a woman, with history, a significant amount of time to take down the guards and trust.

That’s why the whole falling for friends thing. Because the woman has enough time to test, re-test and see things with the guy. They probably have lots in common that’s why they became friends in the 1^st place. Unlike the guys women usually fall for who are completely appalling. And friends are safe to be around, that sense of safety contributes to the falling to the friend syndrome.

But then comes the challenge, should a woman stick to the friend after he plays the relationship would ruin our friendship card or should she simply cut him off.

This is the real question that most women face at a certain moment of their life. Should she play along and see the positive side my friend listed in his comment or should she walk away. Because the truth is, she lost the friend anyway.

Didn’t I tell you before, it is Inevitable!

The Inevitable

After a certain age, people will start talking you into the virtue of friendships over relationships. After a certain set of experiences you know that losing a friend is always harder than losing a lover maybe because we grow up knowing that love, in most times, don’t last. But friendships are supposed to be for life.

Friends are those who take you the way you are, mostly because you do the same. It is mutual, once one of the parties fall out of it, it just fades. You will try as hard as the other would have tried to keep you. You never get to the point of selflessness to keep a friend, because after all a real friend won’t let you do it. A real friend will always meet you midway.

So we keep our friends as friends and look for relationships outside, because supposedly friendships are meant to last and it is always a bad idea to look for a relationship among your friends. Because this will mean you will lose the friend when you lose the lover.

You play it safe. And it will work. And it will last. But it will only last till a relationship is on the horizon and you won’t have a place in your friend’s life. And after being on the top of priorities, you start becoming in the tail of them. And one day you will wake up as a person he/ she used to know.

Regardless the reasons, which by the way will always be strong and valid, you will eventually lose the friend.

The worst about it will always be that you are the only one who will feel the pain of loss. Unlike breaking up with a lover which in most cases is painful for the two sides regardless how right the decision is. A friend leaving you behind for a relationship is never painful for him/ her.

You won’t even be missed.

So don’t play it safe. Lose the friend for love or whatever risk when you feel like it, because you are losing him/ her anyway.

Sweet 35

2010 seems to be the year of change. And I am not speaking climate here. I am speaking that my life as I know it is about to change which is probably just a feeling related to traces of an old hope to get through with the pending stuff on my to do list.

Even if eventually nothing really changed, 2010 will always be a mark for the end of a decade that I believe is the richest in my small life. In the last decade I met lots of people only few of them were really worth keeping. And out of the few worth keeping there was one whom I always considered myself lucky to know.

He is my most favorite Sameh. He is the newest of the very short list I call friends yet he is one of the closest to my heart. Which is the thing probably everyone knows yet I am never bored repeating.

The first time I met Sameh was on my birthday. And we were so close not to do. The thing that makes me wonders sometimes if destiny’s plan was for us to meet or not. Sometimes when he makes me so angry I think that whatever he is doing and making me that pissed off is a punishment for not just walking away that day. The rest of the time, I wonder how my life was going to be if I didn’t meet him.

He always says that we are two completely different mind sets, which is the thing I believe makes us good friends. He sees black and white. And he always refuses to admit that there is grey. He doesn’t believe in grey because grey is complicated and according to him life is simple or at least should be simple unless we complicate it.

I believe in nothing but grey because simplicity is a complicated art. So life comes in different shades, from bright almost white grey to the darkest almost black grey.

My point is we are different and this difference was never an obstacle for that friendship to grow. We are way past the honeymoon so I won’t dare to say that we never fight because we do. But I am certain that for every time I fought with him I got a step closer. Fights are like a crash course to get to understand the person better. And regardless my severe issues regarding fights Sameh gave me faith that people could fight and survive it. Even if they didn’t get to a solution because neither of them understand what was behind the fight in the 1^st place. But a little bit of letting go from each side makes life better. Patience is one thing that he taught me. His preferred strategy is wait, see then act. My preferred strategy has always been act, act then see and never wait.

I think his prespective made me wiser as his presence made my life easier.

He's been my happy thought for years.

I wish I could find words to describe exactly what he's been to me but I don't think I will ever find words or if words will ever be enough.

But there is one thing I am sure of, if everything eventually changed in 2010 I don't want "us" to change. I want after another 35 years to tell more audience about that one person who is so important in my life. The one person I knew in a decade that almost shaped me into the person I am. The one person who was worth keeping.

So, to my best friend in his 35 birthday.

To differences that complements.

To those who are worth keeping.

And to flaws and tolerance.

Happy Birthday Mo7a

P.S.

There is no cake, I want a real one this time ;)

Happy Birthday Sameh

I have been thinking of something to write him in his birthday. I am talkative but sometimes words seem to dump me. Tomorrow my good friend will turn 33. And this means that I am too getting older. The good news is at least one of us is getting wiser and the other is doing enough stupid things for the rest of the generation.
I guess this will be your lucky year. May all wishes come true and may all my wishes to meet you soon come true.
Thanks for being there when others seem to forget.
Love, Always
Shimaa

The Proofs of Love

The other night during one of HH’s sessions to brainwash me he said he loves me to an extent that I could never understand. I said I guess I loved him more. He paused for a moment and replied “you will never know” and after a longer pause he said “you can never know”.
What he said that night seemed to be an answer for a question that have always popped into my mind. People have always said they loved me, but I couldn’t ever find a proof for that love. Maybe I couldn’t because love is undefined and it is not easy to proof something that is foggily defined.
People have always said it is something that you would feel. Which is true to a point as feelings might fail us sometimes. Feelings are good up to the point our minds give in. and yet again the question will rise, if that really love? How would anyone tell?
The answer was on my bathroom shelf. I have always reached for the same shampoo; I loved the way it smelled. People tried convincing me that other brands might be better for my hair, but I just loved my shampoo so that’s why I have always preferred it. So the answer my bathroom shelf gave me was “love is preference”. Love is when you prefer something/ someone over anything else regardless how good it really is. You prefer it for a reason that is good enough for you. I took the shelf’s answer and went to dine with a friend. And though I am still following a diet I couldn’t resist trying the cheesecake. That cheesecake cave me another answer, love is when you enjoy while compromising. I had to walk back home to burn those extra calories. That cheesecake was worth every step I walked. I didn’t mind sacrificing effort and time. So love is in sacrifice and compromise. So now it was in preference, sacrifice and compromise. I looked around me and saw how my sister have gone through all my moods and managed surfing my waves. No one else would have tolerated my ups and downs. Not on a daily basis not when these moods change every other minute. The answer my sister gave me was love is in tolerance and co-existing.
So, till now love is made of preference, sacrifice, compromise and tolerance. I looked at my dad’s version of love, while he keeps forgiving. I listened to a distant relative saying that my mother was on her bed, battling cancer and literally dying. My mother didn’t ask our relative to pray for her. She asked her to pray for her husband and little kids. For my mother we were her priority. She’d put us ahead of her own interest. So love isn’t only preference it is also when you put someone as a priority. It is not only in sacrifice, tolerance and compromise. It is also when you forgive. It is when fresh starts are always an option.
When my brother and sister got me a new cell phone in my birthday, when they gave the new gold bracelet, when Essam called to listen to me crying for an hour after Brad’s disappearance, when Sameh blames me for the stupid things I do, when Roka keeps calling to get me out of the cave, when Fatma always remember and always know. And when Safaa bought me the earrings I wanted and when she said that she wants me to know that she loves me more than any of the creepy men in my life and she will always be around regardless how far she might be going. These are all proofs of love. They all drew a smile on my face when I thought the whole world is against me. They have gave me the confidence others deprived me from. The all reached a hand when they thought I might be falling. They proved love without letting me even wonder. They didn’t say a word. They said it all when they said nothing at all.
They have done this all without expecting a return. They did it for love.
So next time you say you love me, think twice. I need no words. Love is something best said when no words are spoken.

P.S.

Thanks my friends for always proving that I was right when I said, love resides elsewhere.

I Love Brad :)

My sweet friend Omar left me a comment on the different angle post. He said that he felt pure love in this post. He believes that I am in love with Brad. He said that I may be denying it but it shows in my words. Actually I couldn’t find anything to reply on his comments. As I felt it is tricky to deny and it will misunderstood if confirmed. The truth is I don’t only love Brad, I adore him. But in a way that’s different than the way Omar meant.
My dear Brad commented on Omar’s comment. He said it all I couldn’t have said more.
That was his comment

Dearest OH/OB,

I reckon you're the one seeing the inside of Shimaa from a very different perspective (or angle in this case).The clarity and sensitivity the Miss Gamal has shown in her posts are but the sheer reflection of how she regards friendship in sacred shrouds. It is how she cherishes people in general and friends as human being worth to be loved and considered. Her 'love' for Brad is like her love to any other person she sees as a source of comfort and enjoys his/her company. So unfortunately it is not the kind of love you think it is, but it is the rarest of all types of love; a love of a friend. This love is not necessarily woman to man, or romantic love. It's more like human to human love.Her sensitivity and sentiments pour out of her to flood valleys of dry valleys and barren lands, her love and huge heart fill up the gaps amidst dessert cracks and warm raindrops heal thirsty terrains.Everything she writes, and everything she does or even says, shows what miracles a big heart can produce.I must admit that I myself have an ocean-load of love for her, for everything in her; the girl, the woman, the mother, the daughter, the sister, the writer, the cook, her voice, her attractive looks, her skin, her smile, her and last but not least: her "Couer D'or".Because I believe that the Almighty works in mysterious ways; I think that this is his way of proving that Shimaa Gamal (his masterpiece) is unmatched, because he hasn't created the man worth having her as of yet.

Honey, Please don’t stop making my days.
Thanks for being my friend.
I love you more.

The Essential Ingredient

I love cooking, but I rarely write about it. Cooking is my sacred corner, the way I use to teach myself how I can always make a difference. It is the safest way to get creative and the easiest way the fake queen earns praise.
While cooking there is always an essential ingredient in each recipe that without it the recipe will fail. And there is always a secret ingredient that will make all the difference.

I was cooking when the idea crossed my mind. Chopping, mixing, seasoning and stirring resemble life in a great way, fate being the cook and we being cooked. Fate chops us, fries us, boils us, and seasons us to somebody’s taste. Fate mixes us and separates us. Fate bakes us with experience, turning some of us to something sweet, and some of us to something sour. We are all nothing but ingredients in a mystery recipe, some of us are essential and others are the keys fate uses to make all the difference while the rest are just replaceable. But none of us know how and when the cook will decide to stir ‘em in.

The fate’s mystery recipe is the master recipe and as we play the role of ingredients we play the role of cooks in smaller recipes of our creations. We are cooking and being cooked all in a harmonious movement.
And as fate tosses us with others we start creating bonds that takes forms of relations.
Relations that come with different flavors, that ranges from the ice cold to the burning hot.
I was cooking and I wondered what is giving the flavor. What is the essential ingredient? What makes friendship, friendship? How come love is love? What draws boundaries? If tomato sauce is only tomato sauce because of tomato, can defining a human relation be as easy?
Let’s assume a man and a woman, a regular man and a regular woman, who happen to meet somewhere.
They get tossed together, cooked under different kinds of heat and the result is always different. What is causing that difference?
Why it is once lust, another love, sometimes friendship? What is the essential ingredient that turned a simple bond into a type of relation?
We are basically friends with our friends due to the physical antipathy; lust on the other hand is unreasonable physical attraction. Love is a friendship with lust.
So, though physical attraction might seem to be a superficial way to define a relationship but it seems to play the key role in the recipe preparation. It is how we use it that creates the difference.
And unlike the other factors that build a relation, physical attraction is the only instant factor. It is either initially found or it will never be there. Then comes the reason, if there is reason so there might be love if not hence a one night stand.
It is like salt for a recipe, it turns tasteless components into a delicious combination. Ad just like salt it should always be consumed with moderation. The more of it is something that you can’t stand for long and you will keep craving more if you used less.

So, if lust is the essential ingredient that differentiates friendship from love, what will be the key ingredient that makes all the difference?
I always say, add a little nutmeg, and the nutmeg of relationships is honesty. so a little more pinch of honesty will always make a difference!!