April 29, 2007


He came out of the blues, I didn’t see him coming. Now I remember how I liked the way he writes. Now I can recall few times I kept holding myself from contacting him. I can sure remember how I reacted for the first private message I received from him. I remember re-reading it a couple of times. I remember I couldn’t come up with a reply, he was nice and I wanted to be as formal as I can be. I guess it was a cold reply.
We started with a set of differences and a couple of commonalities and we ended with a base of similar interests and a twist of personal differences.
I didn’t see him coming, was busy fighting myself over the ex’s and was busy fighting the ex’s over myself. And in between swords and bullets, in between blood and darkness I saw him smiling, waving at me and giving me a hand. I didn’t look around I just smiled back and took his hand. I forgot that I had a battle waiting for me, I forgot that I had unfinished business to deal with. I forgot I had a history of abusing relations, vicious circles of no relation relations.
I am not expecting much from him, a friend taught me to always expect a little so that I will be happy with whatever I end up having.
I am expecting nothing from him, deep inside me I know we came from two different worlds, I know that we only met because our roads crossed at a certain point, and that will never mean that we can share a road.
I want to lose the background fights, to kiss the ex fights goodbye, I wished I could meet him as fresh as new.
I asked him, where have you been? I have been waiting for you for ages. Or do you think if we met earlier we weren’t going to really meet? He answered; if we met earlier we weren’t going to really meet. I said, I am blessed I finally found you. He smiled and said the pleasure is mine.

I lived too long in circles that I just discovered I have lost the way out in process. I want to break my circular prison, the infinite loop of abusing, to put the war down. I want to settle for a piece of peace. I see nothing but darkness, I smell nothing but blood.

April 28, 2007

Grab a pair of balls!!

Can’t think of anything else to comment on today’s phone call with the ex factor. He was claiming that I am not giving him enough attention. That I should call him more often, that he is a human being who feels neglected out of my behavior.
I posed a question, why don’t you accept any of my friendship requests on the different friend networks sites, he answered because she checks them, she who happens to be the girl he chose to marry, I said so, you want me out of your life he answered you are in, you are my life but I can’t let her know that I am back to you.
I wanted him back for a closure and I had it.
For God’s sake, grab a pair of balls, dare to do what you want and dare to show what you need.


April 27, 2007

The knight in shining armor

N.B i am quoting from the famous, men are from mars, women are from venus, by john gray ..

Deep inside every man there is a hero or a knight in shining armor. More than anything, he wants to succeed in serving and protecting the woman he loves. When he feels trusted, he is able to tap into this noble part of himself. He becomes more caring. When he doesn't feel trusted he loses some of his aliveness and energy, and after a while he can stop caring.Imagine a knight in shining armor traveling through the countryside. Suddenly he hears a woman crying out in distress. In an instant he comes alive. Urging his horse to a gallop, he races to her castle, where she is trapped by a dragon.The noble knight pulls out his sword and slays the dragon. As a result, he is lovingly received by the princess.As the gates open he is welcomed and celebrated by the family of the princess and the townspeople. He is invited to live in the town and us acknowledged as a hero. He and the princess fall in love.A month later the noble knight goes off on another trip. On his way back, he hears his beloved princess crying out for help. Another dragon has attacked the castle. When the knight arrives he pulls out his sword to slay the dragon.Before he swings, the princess cries out from the tower, "don't use your sword, use this noose. It will work better."She throws him the noose and motions to him instructions about how to use it. He hesitantly follows her instructions. He wraps it around the dragon's neck and then pulls hard. The dragon dies and everyone rejoices.At the celebration dinner the knight feels he didn't really do anything. Somehow, because he used her noose and didn't use his sword, he doesn't quite feel worthy of the town's trust and admiration. After the event he is slightly depressed and forgets to shine his armor.A month later, he goes on yet another trip. As he leaves with his sword, the princess reminds him to be careful and tells him to take the noose. On his way home, he sees yet another dragon attacking the castle. This time he rushes forward with his sword but hesitates, thinking maybe he should use the noose. In that moment of hesitation, the dragon breathes fire and burns his right arm. In confusion he looks up and sees his princess waving from the castle window."use the poison," she yells. "the noose doesn't work."She throws him the poison, which he pours into the dragon's mouth, and the dragon dies. Everyone rejoices and celebrates, but the knight feels ashamed.A month later, he goes on another trip. As he leaves with his sword, the princess reminds him to be careful, and to bring the noose and the poison. He is annoyed by her suggestions but brings them just in case.This time on his journey he hears another woman in distress. As he rushes to her call, his depression is lifted and he feels confident and alive. But as he draws his sword to slay the dragon, he again hesitates. He wonders, should I use my sword, the noose or the poison? What would the princess say?For a moment he is confused. But then he remembers how he had felt before he knew the princess, back in the days when he only carried a sword. With a burst of renewed confidence he throws off the noose and poison and charges the dragon with his trusted sword. He slays the dragon and the townspeople rejoice.The knight in shining armor never returned to his princess. He stayed in this new village and lived happily ever after. He eventually married, but only after making sure his new partner knew nothing about nooses and poisons.Remembering that within every man is a knight in shining armor is a powerful metaphor to help u remember a man's primary needs. Although a man may appreciate caring and assistance sometimes, too much of it will lessen his confidence or turn him off.

Honey Bee

The picture of a honey bee jumping from one flower to the other persists in my mind these days more than anything else. I envy the little bee as it flies to enjoy the taste of each single flower in the garden. I envy the diversity she enjoys, her freedom of choice, her right to select.
I wish I was the little honey bee, I wish I can enjoy the right to diversify, to taste each and every flower I come across in my garden.

We are all honey bees in a way but we don’t secrete honey, we gain experiences instead. Unlike honey some experiences are bitter because contrasting honey bees we might feed on some poisonous flowers.

Special thanks to him, he who insisted to take me out. Special thanks to him, he who patiently built the bridge for me to cross the distrust river. Special thanks to the friend, the other side on the taple of the best breakfast I ever had. Special thanks to him, he who unknowingly and sincerely helped picking up the scattered pieces of me.
Special thanks to “S”, in case tomorrow never come thanks for being my friend.

Truly yours,

April 25, 2007

Password Mania

He is the dominant ex. He is the famous “H”, my guide in the valley of shadows, and the shadow that darkened my life. He is the man who manipulated the soul and the mind. He is the creator of the new reflection in my mirror, he was the thief who stole the kind heart and replaced it with the pumping stone.
I thought I finally lost him, though it was hard but was relieving, till the infamous moment of “el menasa incident” that I might be writing about later. But at this very moment life seemed to be empty and I cried and prayed to God to have my “H” back. And my prayers were answered in only two days. He was back as fresh as new. He said he had enough talks about the past and it is time to start talking present.
From present talks to future talks, I have known him for five whole years, and for five whole years I have been dealing with his different masks, with the different names he called “us” and with the different scenarios to have his goal achieved.
We agreed on a “no relation” relation Where we in a “no commitment” commitment that’s A tricky balance to keep, but after all he is the famous “H” and it is me.
One day he asked for my mail password and in a moment of fog I gave it to him, he had the key to the well of dark secrets. He opened the window on the closed mind, and I stood completely naked in front of him. He enjoyed the idea of having my darkest secrets exposed; he started claiming rights of whom to know, or what to write.
Then he forgot the whole mail thing, after I proved loyalty by not questioning or minding him asking to have access to my mail. I thought I got to the safe shores till he asked for it once again.
I gave him the password that opens everything but my mail!!

April 24, 2007

The Change

I don’t know if it was a coincidence, or it is just a sign from God. The last couple of days all the talks were about me, and how much I have changed.
I have always said that I stopped recognizing the reflection on my mirror, I look and smile and always introduce myself to this woman I see. She smiles back and always imitate me. She seems nice, familiar but complete stranger. For my surprise I have been looking inside me recently and didn’t recognize the core either, I guess the lady in the mirror stole my soul. I am nothing like I used to be.
How was I and how I am now, I was arrogant and still I am, I was never pretty and neither she is, I was slimmer but she is fat, I had long hair but she is veiled, I used to blush but she is so bold, I used to be sane but craziness is her last name.
I used to be kind and soft hearted. I don’t know what she did with my heart. It was replaced with a shinning rock. I used to see the good in people but she’s put a glass to see the defects. I used to cry but she is seeking vengeance. And It was me on top of her list.
I admire the lady, after all she’s me. But who is me? The innocent girl, the vengeance woman or something in between?
Can anyone help me find ME? A young girl, wide brown eyes, dark hair, medium height, innocent, kind, with a nice smile and looking for future as the promised land

Still playing, fayrooz .. adish kan fi nas .. 3al mafra2 tentor nas we teshaty el dena, ya 7emlo shamsya wana be2yam el sa7w ma 7ada natarny ..

A special thanks to a real friend, who unconditionally supports me whenever I need him, no matter how far he is, but he is always there to assure me, that I haven’t been wasting time on friends who never listen. Thanks Essam for being there, I am lucky to have a friend like you.

He said I move in circles, and he moves in straight line, I smiled and said so you will cut me in two points, being the engineer he is he said, or may be I will be tangent to your circles, I frowned and said, still we will have a point of tangency, he said may be it is better to have only one point, because the two point will result in a zero sum. When I drew the broken heart he smiled and promised me something new, a new ray that starts with him and ends at infinity.
He came out of the blue, wasn’t expecting him. Not expecting anything of him, but as a believer in the reason, season or life time theory I asked him, why u came? He answered for a reason, I welcomed him in and said, regardless the reason you will always be welcomed for the life time on whatever basis you like.
May be he has the new painter who will repair the imperfections in the new picture of me. He isn’t a magician, but I know he can.

April 23, 2007


I have been trying to write anything for days, I have thoughts roaming all over my head but I can't catch any to put down in a written format.
I have foggy idea about what I want to write about, I want to write about the new “him” in my life, I want to write about the ex’s syndrome, about the fairy tale, and I want to write about me.
Walking in the mist of thoughts but can’t write.

Now playing "adish kan fi nas" fayroozi have been listening for the very same song over and over for days now... I cried couple of days ago listening to it, i can't stop thinking that fayrooz is speaking of me... "elly zakar kol el el nas bel akhier zakarny", "ana be2yam el sa7w ma 7ada natarny"the thing is, do we really enjoy love, do we really get hurt losing love, or the whole pleasure is in the losing, struggling then finding a new ray of light, then we repeat .. The light turns fire, the fire burn us, and then fade away, leaving behind ashes, some hot, some cold... Some remain and some get blew by fresh breath... Just can't stop playing it over and over... love was never in the air... it lives inside...

April 05, 2007

The eX Factor

so, he is back. not in full package, and not with his complete will. I know i dragged him into it, but the end result is that i can have him again within the circle of my life.
he didn't change, he is the very same coward, with the very same old plans. he is still marrying his cousin. and he is still enjoying cheating on her with me.
i wanted him back for recovery purposes. i kept mourning him for more than a year. the fact that he left without a closure was behind this very long mourning period. i wanted a closure, so i brought him back.

i can't deny it was fun to have him around again, it has always been easy around him. the flowing conversations, the endless jokes, the way we both end each others phrases.

i wanted him back for closure, and he wanted me back in full package.

his full package includes a loyalty clause, so in his full package i am not supposed to date, flirt, or even have male friends. on the other hand he has the full right to keep on his plans with his cousin. i am the one for the talks, for the outtings and i am the one for everything but she will always be the one for the marriage. i can't keep thinking of the long list his friend gave to me before we broke up the 1st time. his friend told me no way that he will be leaving his cousin for any reason, not to mention leaving her for you. she is a millionaire, his parents wants them married, her parents wants them married and he is kind of loving her. so i replied if he loves her why he is with me. i got no answer for this question, i just got one advice, this will end bad and you are free to believe whatever you want.

i believed him, and i believed he loves me, i believed he is marrying me, he made it seem like a granted thing, but he ended up choosing her tears over mines. he chose the family, he cried and said i can't get out of the family for anything.

i needed a closure, i know he is a selfish coward, but i wanted a closure, to ease the pain.

so he got back and wants things to be the same way it was with a slight difference, his formal commitement with his cousin. and with an official statement from him that "us" has no future, or at least no promising future.

he is playing the jealous cards, the "i love you cards", the "i need you cards" and all the cliches humanity invented since adam and eve.

everytime he plays one of these card i move one more step away from him and one more step closer to the closure i needed.

everytime he does, i think that may be he never loved me. everytime he plays one of these cards, i believe that if he ever loved someone, it was never me, it was never her. if he ever loved anyone so he only loved himself.

i want to kick him away, but i still can't. something inside me still wants him around .. something still can't find the closure i seek.

but i don't know for how long i can keep ignoring his full package plan. as the more i ignore the more cards he play, and the more cards he play the nearer i am to blow.

so, i am just a bomb waiting for detenation.

he never reads what i write, even the long mails, he always prefered to talk than to read. part of his average charcter. and i am a writer by instinct, i prefer reading to useless talks ..

though he knows me enough, but he never knew that one day i will use my moto with him, my moto is my way or no way. now, i have to use this moto with him, it is either my way or no way. his time is up, i can't take more compromises, i can't accept to be in the shades, i am a sun girl my place is where the spotlights are, so my sweet selfish eX honey .. sorry .. but i think i can't fit into ur plans ..

in the eqauation the eX-factor should be elminated!!