Youth Long Gone

I am supposed to be in a stable relationship yet sometimes I can't help but miss one or two of my ex-boyfriends.

whom do I miss?

I miss HH the most. I miss the effort he used to put to get to me. I miss the many times he got out of his way just to drive me to places. How he never turned me down whenever I asked for help. 

I miss how it was ok to just call him crying and complaining of things. 

I also miss MMIB, I miss every single detail of our relationship. I miss our routine. I miss how he used to be jealous. I miss how we never ran out of conversation. 

The truth is I miss them too much, and I don't know whether I really miss them or I am just longing for youth long gone. 

Maybe I just miss being hopeful with life ahead of me.

Maybe I miss the time when it was ok to have expectations from a man. 

I am not sure why I am missing them. But I deeply miss my ex-boyfriends though I am in a stable relationship with a man I deeply love. 

The Two Rings – Status Update

I know I might have said this like 100 times before but I won’t stop saying it. I don’t know how I was going to pull through if I didn’t have Sameh in my life. Up to this moment he is the living proof that I can still attract decent and respectable men. I can still have friendship that’s not biased at any level with malicious thoughts.
My sweet friend Sameh called me last night. He was checking on me. Earlier I sent him an SMS saying that I am extremely depressed which has been the case ever since he has known me. I have always been depressed and moaning. Or at least this is as far as I can remember. Anyway, he asked the typical question “how are things going with you?” I gave him my typical answer that I have been giving to people for little around 8 years now, “Nothing new”. I laughed telling him that my life is all about two circles. These two circles get repeated in the same routine over and over and over. Nothing could ever be new. I go through the very same problems and I give the very same reactions and I always end up where I started.
I have the “HH” circle and the “family” circle. As I am writing this I discovered that these two circles are extremely similar. Both are abusive, both never take no as an answer and both are a die hard.
On the “HH” side nothing is really new, it is the very same scenario but with different lines. I had laid a plan to kick the “HH” addiction out of my life. I thought that my plan worked till I found out that this plan has a little draw back which was HH’s reaction. The plan was simple and naïve counting on his arrogance and the fact that he will never think I will ever have the courage to try to get him off my life. I wanted him to take the step; I used the things he used to say that he hates about me. I nagged, then I nagged and when he thought I was done nagging I nagged again. I put him in the famous corner “marry me or I will be off to another relation” and that was when he gave up. I couldn’t even believe that he had given up for such a silly old trick so I topped my cake of lies with the cherry of declaring my engagement. He bought it and when I was done celebrating the rise of the sun after a long era of darkness I discovered that my persisting shadow wasn’t gone in the first place. He was just taking a break of my nagging. He was back with a smile and an offer. He wanted to be the other man. But I couldn’t live with the fact that he believes I am no better than him and that I am just a naturally born cheater so I came clean with him and I confessed that the whole engagement thing was a lie to blow up his lies.
And so, here I am trying to catch up with the tunes of what I hope to be my last waltz with HH. I am back to exactly where I started.
On the family side, nothing is really new. I just want to declare that I have a wonderful loving family. I still have to admit that there are things that I hate about my family but who doesn’t. And the family circle isn’t about family affairs. It is about work. As my ex-boss was my uncle.
This circle started little before the HH circle. I got graduated and I had high hopes and we all know how hopes are the only way to disappointments. So, I couldn’t find a decent job. I couldn’t find any kind of job. I was either over qualified or under qualified. And my dad wasn’t that patient to leave me hunting my Red October. He decided that I should start working for him. My dad has a little business in the field of contracting and construction along with my uncle. I didn’t like things there. My dad wasn’t my type of boss. He gave me assignments not jobs. He has always had someone else do the job and I felt like that everyone there was baby sitting me. I packed my bag of hopes and I was off to a career switching program. Later, again I fell under the catch 22 spell. I wasn’t experienced in the time they needed experience. And that was my second time to get back to my dad and uncle’s little place. I didn’t stay for long as I was off to other jobs, it all ended dramatically; even one of the companies went bankrupt. And again I was back to the little place but this time my uncle decided to use my qualifications. He found a way to use my English proficiency, my computer proficiency, my accounting knowledge and my financial courses. It was fun. I made things out of nothing. I laid systems and people had to follow. It was a perfect environment for a spider like me. Everything had my print. But as everything in life, it isn’t always that good. My sweet uncle started abusing me. I started to work extra long hours. I had to be the 1st to go and the last to leave. I couldn’t take a vacation for two years because if I did who will do the work. I was completely underpaid. And when I asked for help he didn’t bring me an assistant he promoted someone who used to work under me to be my boss. And that was the straw the broke the camel’s back. I simply left. I said no and I meant it.
The tricky thing for working for your family is that everyone thinks that I get a special treatment because we share the same blood. But the truth is, when you work for your family you put your personal relation at stake. Little work problems always turned to be huge family problems. Family gatherings were business meetings. They abused me with the name of the family’s best interest. The problem with working with family is that you will always be wrong because they are older and they know what’s best for you and for the family.
I was off and it was the worst break-up I ever had in my life. I was off and he didn’t even consider apologizing. He asked every possible person on this world to ask me to come back (he wanted me back because who else was going to do the work) but he never did the call. Now after 14 months. After getting 6 employees and a manager to do the job I used to do. He wants me back. He said he is having major expansions and he wants a family member to watch his back. Can anyone spot a pattern here?
I just don’t know what’s so tempting about me for people to try to abuse me. Why if not sex it will be business?
Honestly, I have lost my faith in people. I have real problems trusting. I have turned to be a paranoid creature who expects a stab whenever someone smiles to me. These two circles have really left me with nothing to hold on.
I remember the last time I met Brad when I poured my worries into his ears. I told him that I need a change. He wondered if I need someone new. I replied I just need something new. Now I guess I know what I need. I need a new circle. I need to break these two circles for good. I spent all my sweet twenties in an on/off relation with HH and with my family business. I don’t want to waste my thirties fighting the same old battles and losing for the same old reasons.
That was Shimaa Gamal reporting about the two rings
Over and Out.

Current Thought: The Neighbor’s Dog

My aunt is an amazing character. She is loved by everyone and everything around her. Her neighbor’s dog loves her as everything else. He wakes her up in the morning; spends the whole day playing with her. He jumps when he sees her. She feeds him, loves him and treats him as her own dog.
But the truth is that dog is not hers. He enjoys her company but will never be her dog. If there will ever be a moment of choice. That dog will choose his owner. He will always choose the place he considers home. The only place he chooses to sleep in.
This neighbor’s dog is any given man who approaches a woman in time he is attached in another relation. He comes for the fun, the care and probably the food. But when it is time to choose, there won’t be two things to pick from. He has already decided.

The Dedication

I have been writing that thing I call my book for sometime now. The first thing I wrote was the dedication. I know people usually write books then they dedicate it but in my case I dedicated an unwritten book for the reason who made me thought of writing it in the first place.
I am not sure if I will ever finish it. I am not sure if it will ever get published. The only thing I am sure of is he was the reason.

======================================================

To the man who took me to the other face of life, the man who made me taste the sweet bitterness of human relations, the man who drew the first line in the new picture of me, perfected the picture and eventually broke his perfection with a messing line, The man who manipulated the thoughts, the feelings, and the soul. To my guide in the valley of shadows, to the shadow that darkened my life, to a few good days and a rule of misery.
To Hamdy, the friend, the father, the lover, the husband, the playboy, and the enemy.

Thanks for everything and thanks for nothing.

Confessions - 2

My fairy tale has always revolved around impossible love. Being the person I am, challenges represents a huge percentage of the thrills of my life. So it was expected for me to always opt for the impossible. Whether that impossible is a grade at school or a man to fill the vacant prince charming position.
I admit challenges are the pleasure of my life, but that never meant that I have won every challenge I took. I have failed to love mathematics regardless how hard I tried. I have failed to be a financial analyst, and I don’t really know why I did. But bottom line the thrill is in taking the challenge regardless whether I will win it or not.
So, my fairy tale was a challenge. I didn’t want to be a princess. I wanted to be a different girl, a new type of Cinderella. I didn’t want the glass shoes and the step mother. I wanted to beat the odds of life. Busy schedules, ambitions, old love and family were the odds I wanted to beat with my prince charming. I wanted my man to be mine, then let go to come back regretting every moment he didn’t spend with me.
I was a girl, or may be I still am, who had her fairy tale. I was a girl who kept a picture of her prince charming. I was a girl who waited for his smile to lighten up her life. I was a girl and that was my dream. I wanted a man to love me to the extent that he will choose me over the world. And when he does, I will be so happy spending my life beating the other odds of life with him. I even planned a speech to say in our wedding party, which was going to be the first time in our community for a bride to give a speech, I was going to tell him that I can’t promise him happiness as bad times occurs. I can’t promise him to love him the same way I do because love needs work, I can’t promise him to stay fit or beautiful to the end of my life. I can’t promise him a fairy tale because this is life. But all what I can promise him was myself. I promise to stay when everyone else leave. I promise not to turn my back. I promise to fight and my target will always be him. My aim will always be us. And that was when my silly fairy tale theme song was supposed to play.
Oh, pathetic. I was a girl, or may be I still am, with the same silly fairy tale. I was the Cinderella of my own drama. I was the queen on a fake kingdom waiting for an unknown passing by prince to come over and slay the non existing dragon.
Then he appeared, covering my whole life in deep gray. Moving in his shades, and struggling in chains I kept my fairy tale in my heart. I still wanted him to be my prince charming. I still dreamt of the wedding and the speech. But this time there was no time for a song.
I wanted to marry him, but not to live happily ever after, but to prove that I worth of being married. I wanted to marry him to get even. I wanted to marry him to divorce him in my speech.
I wanted to say it out loud. I wanted to say that I know that everyone is wondering why I am marrying him. Why did I choose the remaining of man to accompany me for the rest of my life? Why did I choose the wrong package? Why am I deliberately staying in the shades in the time the sun must be shinning else where. I wanted to say that if anyone thought love is the answer, so I guess they misunderstood the question because I am not doing it for love. How can I love the man who patiently screwed my life for years, how can I trust the one who broke all the bridges that I have patiently built between us. How can I give him a chance in the time he exploited every other chance I gave him. How can I spend the rest of my life in his cage in the time the sky is my home. How can I belong to him in the time I know he isn’t mine to claim?
I wanted to look him in the eyes and say now I am free. Now I let you go forever. Now I tear the page that holds your name. Now, only now, I am me.
Again, it was the girl who had the dream. It is the girl who wants the fairy tale. And it is the woman who knows that fairy tales exist in fairyland.
It was always the girl who wanted him, prayed for him, believed him and trusted him blindly. It was always the girl who ended up hurt. It is always the girl who cries him a river. And it is always the girl who misses him.

I am almost free!!
P.S.
The woman laid a plan that worked perfectly, and now the girl is whining. I am afraid one night I will have to bury the girl in the same box the fairies are buried.

Episodes of Loneliness (2 )– The “H” Syndrome

He was always the choice of coincidence as he was always the best alternate plan. He is always the choice of pressure as he is always available. He was the choice of the little girl and he is the “Christopher Columbus” of the woman. He was the first and he is the last and he was always in-between.
Things started with him, he was the first point in the first circle. Things always end with him as he is the iteration condition, the only point of tangency between the interrelated circles that form my life.
He was the choice of the little girl as he always looked like prince charming. He was tall, he was fit and he had such a marvelous French accent. He smelled good, dressed good and acted with manners. He was smart, ambitious and an engineer. He was everything the little girl wished for.
He was the choice of coincidence as he was the only available alternative. He met the prince charming definition at the time no one else was even close to the standard. He was th e best escape plan for the little girl. She wanted a fairy tale. And a fairy tale he promised. He was her first. He was her first liar. He was her first scam. He was her first devil, her first kiss, and her first bite of the forbidden fruit.
He is my famous “H”. He is the shadow that darkened my life. He is my sin that was never forgiven. He is the rock, the river and the stream. He is the vicious cursed maze that took over my life one spring day. I got in and I couldn’t find my way out. I am cursed to move in circles that start with him and end with him. He is the executioner and it is my blood that keeps me attached to him.
Ever since I have known him 5 years ago I have always ended with him. I have left him once then again then fell in love then got back to him then back to love ending by falling back into his awaiting hands, then off to a new light that passed by too fast to find myself again in his ruthless hands.
He was always my choice of pressure as he has always been my happy pill. He always knew how to make me feel wanted, how to make me feel beautiful and how to play the right sexy buttons on me. He had always known his way. He got a picture of my mind engraved on the back of his hand. He walks in, knowing all the right places. He knows how to manipulate the soul and deceive the mind.
I never knew how to fight his influence. I never knew how to keep him off. Regardless how hard I try, I always end up lonely. And regardless how hard I try I always end up with him.
I am lonely and he was my only choice. I am lonely and I can’t let him go. I have lived too long in the dark; I have lost my way to the shinning sun.

I can’t breathe. I can’t think.

The Spider

As I wave farewell to the year 2007 I decided it is just about time to get back to the job market. Ten months are more than enough as a break. I didn’t meet the unemployment definition for the last ten months as I wasn’t willing to work, now as I am writing these words I finally met the definition. I am capable, willing and searching for a job.
Being back into the job hunting race doesn’t mean being desperate, I am still picky and I am taking things as easy as I can. I don’t want to fall in the old trap. A trouble free job is the position I am seeking, nothing worth hypertension.

Job hunting is a thrill that I enjoyed feeling again. Interviews are the best part I like about job hunting. I like wearing the professional look, the professional smile and the professional handshake. I like being arrogant and showing off skills without being blamed for doing so.
That was what I exactly planned the other day as I wore my professional look, professional smile and professional handshake heading towards the well known advertising company. I was already flattered to get to the interview phase, not because I wasn’t qualified for the job but because the company has a policy not to recruit veiled females. I was flattered that my modest skills and experiences got me an interview regardless the fact that I am veiled.
By the time I had my last interview, 5 years ago, it was customary to go at least 5 minutes before your appointment, which was the thing I did. But I found out that I have to wait for more than an hour as the head of the company, who will interview me, is busy because some mistake in his schedule.
I enjoyed the exploration, and the comments. Then it was finally my time. I made sure I am wearing the smile, and gave the guy the confident handshake as I introduced myself. I was prepared to answer whatever questions he’s got but surprisingly enough I couldn’t answer his question as his question was “WHAT IS YOUR ZODIAC SIGN?”.
Honestly, I reacted simultaneously. I laughed. And when he asked me why am I laughing I answered that it wasn’t the kind of question I was expecting. He said that in his company they ask about everything even shoe size. And that was when the woman kicked in and replied 38. He smiled repeating the zodiac sign question again.
Knowing that I am a Leo, the guy seemed to be so interested in me. He said that female Leos are the softest females. That was the fact that he built on that females of my generation are completely treated unfairly by the men of our generation and that “I” should date men his age, as men his age, which is only 15 years older, knows how to treat a lady.
In a try to direct him to my professional experience and answering a question about what do I think of myself as a person, I told him that I think I was a shark in my past job. He liked the description as that was more than what he signed for a lioness who happens to be a shark a work. He concluded the interview by writing a big “OK” on the papers that sums me up then he walked me to the door.

I wasn’t sure how should I feel at that moment. Should I feel happy I got the job, or should I feel disgusted I had such an interview. As I was waiting patiently for my ride to arrive I decided that it is pure disgust that I feel. And in a hopeless try to get over my negative feeling I started evaluating the shark description. Am I really a shark?
I was surprised that when I thought it over, I discovered that I hope to be a shark but the truth is I am far of being one. I am not vicious by nature; I don’t attack without a reason. And I don’t like blood.
I have had my share of fights at work, I have had my share of bossing people around and I have had things done my way in many times. I was ruthless but always out of defense, given that attacks are the first line of defense. And this doesn’t make me a shark. I discovered that I am more like a spider than a shark.
I crawl in unnoticed. I sew a web with my name on every thread. I mark every inch as mine with the threads. Till one day, all unnoticed, the place is mine.
When I left, there was a “Shimaa” gap. I left my print on every single file the company had, I had my print on every single operation the company took. I had my sign on the kitchen, on the walls and even the noise had my sign. I went in unnoticed and when I left the whole company was my marked territory.
I was a spider crawling into my mother’s shoes. When she died no one would think I could ever fill in. no one noticed me crawling in. no one cared to check the little signs the threads on my web left. In 14 years I knitted the perfect web. I maintained the family; I am running the house with no clear date to mark as the day I stepped in.
I didn’t have an anniversary to celebrate in any of my relations. There was never a clear date to mark the start of the relation as I have always crawled in unnoticed. None of them noticed me coming. They all woke up on the suffocating fact that they are marked as mine. They enjoyed the tickles of the little spider; they never expected the web to be a territory marker. The never related the fact that my unconditional love meant that they are mine the same way I am theirs.
The amazing thing that my men, my ex’s, have reacted the same way my ex boss and my family reacted to my spider web technique. They all freaked out.
First was my family with the territory fights. My dad by the “I am not your husband to try to control me”. My brother and sister by the “we are not your son and daughter to expect us to obey”.
Then it was my boss’s turn to escape the vicious web by his attempt to create a new position superior to me.
And finally my fleeing men who did what their instincts as men dictated them to do. They ran for their lives. Manifesting the spider technique one of the ex’s screamed in a sincere talk the other night saying “for God’s sake, you need a superman”.
When I couldn’t get his point about the superman he elaborated that I scare my men away. And that I have freaked him out more than once. He asked me about the reason he broke up with me the first time, I answered because you are just a playboy. He said sure I am, but that wasn’t the reason. He said that a playboy won’t break up with a girl just because he got a kiss. He said that a kiss was the least he wanted. He continued that the real reason he broke up with me was the way I reacted after the kiss. Or the place he woke up after the kiss to find himself in. he said that I was everywhere, I was in his dreams, in his mail, in his phone, in his friends. I was literally everywhere. I suffocated him. And that was the only reason he ran away the first time. And it was the reason each single man ran away.

Am I really a spider?

Dark Secrets – 2

I am someone who got bound to a rock and thrown in a wild river. I am drowning with no hope of survival. I am fighting but I go no where but the bottom of that river. It is the current that decides where I go. It is the rock that decides how deep I dive. The only thing I can do is to save my breath on the hope that a trespasser will come and lend me a hand.
He is the rock, the river, the stream & the trespasser. I am trapped for what seems like eternity. I fight, I float but I can't lose the rock. I am drowning and he is the rock, the river, the stream and the help.


Help!!!

Someone cut the chain please!

Picture: Andromeda exposed to the sea-monster (1869) Paul Gustave Doré

On Unconscious Love & Illusionary Optimism

Miss Egyptiana Wrote:

First time to know that optimism can be illusionary!!!I think it is a positive energy that help in doing things
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of course love is a conscious act... love electrify your body, occupy your mind, chain your soul ... how you cant notice all of this


My dearest Egyptiana

I guess illusionary optimism and unconscious love are related to a great extent.
Illusionary optimism is a case where the person loses the sense of reality. The person will act as if he owns the whole world. Illusionary optimism is directly related to the unexplained state of the heart (AKA Love). As love sometimes, again sometimes not always, can be a big source of diversion. A person in love will usually miss the little details. Love work wonders with the mind. Happiness can be misleading sometimes. While in love a person can pursue things that aren’t meant to be. He will try unlocking a closed door while having a window wide open. The faith that this closed door can be opened is an illusionary optimism.
As for love, it can be an unconscious act. It is not always the case but sometimes, we fall in love without even noticing. We wake up one day to feel the buzz moving with our blood stream. You will never remember when or where but you will definitely know that you are in love.

The extreme case will be, someone feeling the buzz of love and temporarily enjoying the status of illusionary optimism but without consciously identifying the source, i.e. the person who caused it.

If you are looking for a confession, recently I have noticed that I am passing through a peak of an illusionary optimism curve that led me to the conclusion that I, knowing the person I am, might be in love. Along came the question, who is the lucky person.
I have looked through my list of ex’s, friends, potential boyfriends and any male subject around me but I couldn’t consciously locate that person.
I feel the buzz, I own the world but I don’t know who’s caused this case.

Any idea :) ?!!!


P.S.
I see a high wave coming to shore :) my next wave crash will be a tsunami, so watch out ;)

Current Thought - Random

Illusionary optimism: illusionary optimism is a rare case where the person experiences the feeling of possessing the world at his hands. Usually this person will see the full half of an empty cup, a typical behavior is a persisting attitude pursuing an impossible thing wearing mottos like impossible is nothing. If not treated properly this condition could lead to severe episodes of depression. Treatment is usually simple; to separate the subject from the source of the illusionary optimism, which is in most cases an unexplainable state of the heart (AKA love).

Consciousness: Is love a conscious act, or is it an unconscious thing? Can someone be in love without being aware of the feeling or the person?


Superficiality: how can we define a superficial person or a superficial act?

Diary of a broken heart - 3

I guess I am genuinely silly to move from such a relation to the other. I have been rotating in circles as “S” always said, one circle leading to the other with a no way out.
“H” was the shadow that darkened my life, in a God father type of relation, he was in but he was never out. For the five years I have known him he was almost the reason for each and every problem I had and though he always stepped in to solve those that can be solved. But he couldn’t undo the pain.

Between the on’s and off’s of our friendship/love/hate/enemies relationship. I have gotten to know other people, who happen to know him in a way.
M.M.K, M.H and M.M.I.B all knew him in a way. And I came across them by coincidence. A coincidence that I discovered too late was mostly made by him.

The first was the legendary M.H. I needed help understanding something and as H was my instructor I asked him to help me out and consequently he referred me to M.H. as he is the master of all masters.
I was impressed by the guy even before getting to know him. And when I got to know him I discovered in him that he had everything I wanted in a man. He was cute, he was smart, he was ambitious, he was of sound opinion and he was of manners. Simply he was my prince charming. I liked him instantly. We went through the evolution process of a relation, few online chats, few phone calls, long phone calls then the meeting.
The guy was so fun to be around; he seemed to enjoy my company too. I knew that he was to pursue his PhDs in the states but at that time it wasn’t really an issue.
We enjoyed the gray relation, the area past the friendship and before the commitment. I remember he came one day asking me, “Shimaa do you really love me?” I answered in surprise “If I don’t, so what’s your interpretation of everything I do and happen between us?” he replied that this happens all the time between non lovers. I remember that day he said that he has feelings for me that he can’t deny. Couple of days later he called me and he sounded different, I asked him why he sounds different he answered that he has something to say and he’s sure if it is a good thing or a bad thing. He said he’s got his Visa and he is traveling to the states in two weeks.
Certainly this is the point where I cried, I remember that he couldn’t stop me. He kept saying that nothing wrong will happen and that nothing will change. He promised that everything will stay the same. But something inside me kept weeping. I knew he is fleeing. In the following two weeks he started making all the possible escapes, ignoring phone calls, hiding and always playing the “I am busy” card. A friend suggested that I should pose the issue of commitment, and though I felt it is too stupid to ask a man who is traveling to the unknown in a couple of days to commit. But my friend convinced me that if the guy really loved me he would do whatever I needed to feel safe.
And I did it, I posed commitment and he was shocked, all what he had to say was, but you never implied that you would need commitment at any time. He excused himself and he ended the call.
I met him later for a farewell. He flew to the states and the scenario I expected took place.
The rest is history. I gave the man a good quality hard time and sure as a rebound I got back to my old “H”.
Sure my safe coming back to H didn’t last for long. That was the time he introduced me to that friend of his, M.M.K.
M.M.K. was a simple person. I categorize men who approaches me in two main categories, playboys and playboys wanna be’s. M.M.K was something in between these two categories. He wasn’t a wanna be as he has got some experience in the playboy department. But yet compared to H, he was still crawling.
M.M.K was a phase of flirting that followed M.H and the H rebound phase. But some how the guy got on my nerves and he triggered the little espionage talent in me. So, I used some old skills, got into his mail, his contact list and discovered all his little lies. He triggered this old talent I had because someone new showed up and he denied that he knows him. The check was to confirm my doubts.
I call M.M.K the road not taken, as regardless his little lies he might be the only real single who ever approached me. He was just out of a break up and he needed some mending, he was nice though he was so shallow. I don’t really regret turning him down, after all, the guy was a playboy who has put my name in a group called girls.
But M.M.K was the reason that I got close to M.M.I.B.
M.M.I.B was the “someone” new who showed up from the blue, and when I discovered the connection between him and M.M.K , I cut them both off after sending a well written email to both of them.
Later on, we got back on contact. After the interference of a friend that knew him and said that he is a good man. I found it safe to be around M.M.I.B at that time. All what I had in mind was friendship and I thought he was the safest option as he was engaged.

Diary of a broken heart - 2

I am still detoxifying, I can’t deny that I am deeply hurt and as I dig the memories I discover that each time the hurt was deeper, may be because they were stabbing me in the same place. The only thing that I couldn’t understand is why they have deliberately hurt me. They have planned and worked for it. Why they initiated things that they knew will lead to bloody ends, bloody because of my blood scattered everywhere.

---

I didn’t take long getting over the M.M. shock (my 1st playboy exposure), but the apple comment some how found it way into my mind. It was a career switch program (I managed to get all the professional certificates needed but I didn’t have the switch). I was there to get new experiences and in course I met new people.
I was the very same person, the flirty, the loud and the shy. And he was a colleague. He got attracted to me because I was his dream girl, the language, the style, the ideology all were killers for the poor man. We played friends as I wasn’t really interested.
The queen wanted someone to tell her how magnificent she was, and A.K. was perfect. Swinging between friends and friends with benefits, we both didn’t try to define the relation. We were comfortable in the cozy undefined gray zone.
Along with A.K came G.H. who happened to be one of the instructors. G.H. played it another way. He started giving me extra care as he was friends with a friend of mine, started playing friends and showed all the signs of like. He’d show up wherever I go, did his best to get my phone number and kept contact even after he left to another job. Phone calls, asking for meetings, chance encounters and finally he asked to come visit me at work to give me a program that I wanted. He could have sent it by mail, but he preferred to do the home visit.
Later on, G.H. got engaged, sure enough to a completely different person.
But what was the real experience out of this career switching program was the famous H experience. H is my dominant ex, it goes back to 5 years from now.
His side of the story starts before my side. I remember I have spotted him parking his car in my way in. he said that he has spotted me in the car before even me noticing him.
He said he kept praying that I will get into the same building he is getting in and he found out that he was even luckier. He was my instructor for the next couple of days.
He caught my eyes, and later he caught my mind. He was smart with a delicious French accent on his English, Muscular looking with a degree in computer engineering. Smells good, dressing good. He was just the type I want.
As a teacher he helped me as a student, and one thing led to the other and we exchanged phone numbers and ICQ numbers.
We chatted, we talked and he said he has feelings for me. Two days later he sent me an offline message saying that he thinks that I am too good for him, he is such a bad creature and for my own sake he is going to withdraw from my life.
Again, the rain drop refused to let the rock go. I pursued him to know what he meant by being bad. The silly me thought it was just an excuse to break up with me. I remember all what he said at that time was “as you like”. And it went as I liked, at least for the first month.
He was the first to pose sex as an issue, before him all implied sex. But he was the first to put sex in a zero sum equation. And when I refused there was our first break up. A couple of weeks later the rain drop pursued the rock with an email offering compromise. I thought that this might be a good way to trap him. I didn’t perceive the whole picture back then.
After the mail we were back on track till he asked for a meeting and I agree. I remember it was Christmas Eve. He passed by to pick me up. And instead of going to some place he started driving around. Till the point I felt his hands approaching me.
I screamed saying that this is not what I want, he replied in a cold surprise that he thought we had a deal, I said I was just trapping him. Then we had a fight and he drove me back home. he called the next morning saying that I should let go and I won’t lose a thing. He said things about how much I will enjoy it. And I remember I was so clear and I replied that this is not what I signed up for. A couple of weeks later he called again. apologizing that he has been through some bad circumstances that made him act that way and he wants to get back. And again we got back. That time, some how I remembered that I have a friend who happened to know someone who worked with him.
I didn’t call that friend instead I waited till I met her in a friend’s birthday party. I asked her, do you know someone called H.H. she replied in shock, yes but he is engaged.
She kept telling me stories about how he is engaged to that girl and he is in an on/ off relation with her. and how he dated another friend of ours in on of the offs to the extent that he almost proposed but he came the next day wearing his ring telling everyone that he has got back to his fiancée without even telling the poor girl a word.
I took my shock and put it on him; I asked him, are you engaged. He replied no, I was. I then asked why you didn’t tell me before, he said because it hurt talking about it, and the clichés that he was going to tell me in the right time.
We kept on so good, till all of sudden he started not answering my calls. I sent him emails, sms’, called him on all the numbers I had but he didn’t answer. Finally he called back and said few words, I am going to get back to my fiancée and I want it to work that time. Please don’t call me anymore.
This time I cried, I cried too hard. I cried because I was stupid enough to buy his sweet words. I cried because I was silly enough to believe his promises. I cried because I was arrogant enough to think that I am a rain drop who can win over a rock.
I kept crying but not for long as he showed up again, this time he apologized and talked about how much his family wanted him back to his fiancée. And that he has broke up with her for the final time. He started talking about future, where will we live, where to spend the honeymoon, my expectations of the ring, how my family will react to him.
That mask was impressive enough that I bought it too. he even introduced me to a friend of his. Everything was good, till one night I was chatting with that friend of his and he asked me, did you congratulate H, his “katb ketab” is tomorrow.
Sure, that wasn’t the end of it, he showed up couple of months later apologizing for how things went and asking for friendship. I didn’t turn him down as I needed the support. One more time the false queen inside wanted someone to tell her royal highness how magnificent she is. I accepted his request for friendship. And maintained the friends/ enemies relation over the span of the 5 yrs I have known him.

Picture: Hurt by tetanus

Shadow Hunt!!

What’s love? Is it forgiveness? Is it forget-ness? Or is it the second chances we grant? Are we in love when everyday is a new day? Does love have symptoms? Am I symptomatic of love?
He said that he have been thinking about how do I see him in my life. He said that he has concluded that I am in love with someone(s). Hence he decided he doesn’t care about how I perceive him into my life.

I am symptomatic of anger, I am symptomatic of sorrow, I am symptomatic of vengeance, and I am symptomatic of guilt. I can’t find any symptom of love. I can’t remember how love was, or when it was. I only remember he was right when he said I never let go. But he was wrong when he said I am attracted to things in them, I am only attracted to my trace they have. They were the last to see me alive, the last to see me happy, the last to see me in one piece. I am attracted to the untraceable trace of me. I am attracted to my blood on their hands.
I didn’t give him a good reply, I gave him the fog idea I have about him in my life, I told him I am still worried of the way he came in to kick everyone else out, not because I am that shallow but because he awakened something inside me, probably The Queen!!

Now playing, “Je t’aime” by Lara Fabian

Je t’aime, je t’aime
Comme un fou comme un soldat
Comme une star de cinéma
Je t’aime, je t’aime
Comme un loup comme un roi
Comme un homme que je ne suis pas
Tu vois, je t’aime comme ça

Tu vois, je t’aime comme ça

Password Mania

He is the dominant ex. He is the famous “H”, my guide in the valley of shadows, and the shadow that darkened my life. He is the man who manipulated the soul and the mind. He is the creator of the new reflection in my mirror, he was the thief who stole the kind heart and replaced it with the pumping stone.
I thought I finally lost him, though it was hard but was relieving, till the infamous moment of “el menasa incident” that I might be writing about later. But at this very moment life seemed to be empty and I cried and prayed to God to have my “H” back. And my prayers were answered in only two days. He was back as fresh as new. He said he had enough talks about the past and it is time to start talking present.
From present talks to future talks, I have known him for five whole years, and for five whole years I have been dealing with his different masks, with the different names he called “us” and with the different scenarios to have his goal achieved.
We agreed on a “no relation” relation Where we in a “no commitment” commitment that’s A tricky balance to keep, but after all he is the famous “H” and it is me.
One day he asked for my mail password and in a moment of fog I gave it to him, he had the key to the well of dark secrets. He opened the window on the closed mind, and I stood completely naked in front of him. He enjoyed the idea of having my darkest secrets exposed; he started claiming rights of whom to know, or what to write.
Then he forgot the whole mail thing, after I proved loyalty by not questioning or minding him asking to have access to my mail. I thought I got to the safe shores till he asked for it once again.
I gave him the password that opens everything but my mail!!

The First Date

I have known him for 5 years. For some 5 years might sound a small time, for others it might be like forever. But for us, those five years were a complete history.
They were 5 years of misery & 5 years of happiness. They were 5 years of honesty & 5 years of deception. They were 5 years of brain wash.
I started these 5 years with blind trust, and I think I am still blind, but I lost the trust in process.
When he asked to meet me, I kept maneuvering, for months. He promised he will make this one different. In all the 5 years and with all our history, we never had a decent date. It was always on a rush, either me being on a rush, or him being on a rush. We used to meet between our schedules, as transportation. And it always ended badly. Each time, we end up fighting, over what I expect and what he wants. We never had a decent date.
He promises me everything, and my experience taught me not to trust him in anything, he can be honest sometimes, but I can’t trust his honesty any more.
I kept maneuvering, till the risk taker in me decided that this risk is essential to assess he credibility. I can’t keep assuming he is a liar without a test, and I can’t start building the broken bridge of trust without test.
So I decided to go, with my rules. He chose a quite place and I didn’t question his choice. I can’t deny I was scared, I don’t know if he noticed me shaking, he complemented me, as he always does.
He said he now remember how beautiful I am, how much he loves my eyes.
I discovered that though I thought I know him, I acted like a teenager in her 1st date.
There was silence, long pauses and little laughs. I guess I was boring, but he was so nice. He talked about the future, and I love it when he does. I love when he talks about tomorrow, and mentions me.
I don’t know how my first date went, but I got back home happy. That he didn’t fail the test. I respect a man’s intelligence, and patience in a hunting game.
I love his French, and I love the song that was playing, “Adieu Mon Pays”, I barely understand French, and I barely understood it, but I have always liked it.

That was my first date. I am not sure if there are more to come, he said there will be forever for us to spend together. I am not sure about forever, but I decided just to enjoy today, and the feeling of my first date.