August 14, 2007

Diary of a broken heart - 3

I guess I am genuinely silly to move from such a relation to the other. I have been rotating in circles as “S” always said, one circle leading to the other with a no way out.
“H” was the shadow that darkened my life, in a God father type of relation, he was in but he was never out. For the five years I have known him he was almost the reason for each and every problem I had and though he always stepped in to solve those that can be solved. But he couldn’t undo the pain.

Between the on’s and off’s of our friendship/love/hate/enemies relationship. I have gotten to know other people, who happen to know him in a way.
M.M.K, M.H and M.M.I.B all knew him in a way. And I came across them by coincidence. A coincidence that I discovered too late was mostly made by him.

The first was the legendary M.H. I needed help understanding something and as H was my instructor I asked him to help me out and consequently he referred me to M.H. as he is the master of all masters.
I was impressed by the guy even before getting to know him. And when I got to know him I discovered in him that he had everything I wanted in a man. He was cute, he was smart, he was ambitious, he was of sound opinion and he was of manners. Simply he was my prince charming. I liked him instantly. We went through the evolution process of a relation, few online chats, few phone calls, long phone calls then the meeting.
The guy was so fun to be around; he seemed to enjoy my company too. I knew that he was to pursue his PhDs in the states but at that time it wasn’t really an issue.
We enjoyed the gray relation, the area past the friendship and before the commitment. I remember he came one day asking me, “Shimaa do you really love me?” I answered in surprise “If I don’t, so what’s your interpretation of everything I do and happen between us?” he replied that this happens all the time between non lovers. I remember that day he said that he has feelings for me that he can’t deny. Couple of days later he called me and he sounded different, I asked him why he sounds different he answered that he has something to say and he’s sure if it is a good thing or a bad thing. He said he’s got his Visa and he is traveling to the states in two weeks.
Certainly this is the point where I cried, I remember that he couldn’t stop me. He kept saying that nothing wrong will happen and that nothing will change. He promised that everything will stay the same. But something inside me kept weeping. I knew he is fleeing. In the following two weeks he started making all the possible escapes, ignoring phone calls, hiding and always playing the “I am busy” card. A friend suggested that I should pose the issue of commitment, and though I felt it is too stupid to ask a man who is traveling to the unknown in a couple of days to commit. But my friend convinced me that if the guy really loved me he would do whatever I needed to feel safe.
And I did it, I posed commitment and he was shocked, all what he had to say was, but you never implied that you would need commitment at any time. He excused himself and he ended the call.
I met him later for a farewell. He flew to the states and the scenario I expected took place.
The rest is history. I gave the man a good quality hard time and sure as a rebound I got back to my old “H”.
Sure my safe coming back to H didn’t last for long. That was the time he introduced me to that friend of his, M.M.K.
M.M.K. was a simple person. I categorize men who approaches me in two main categories, playboys and playboys wanna be’s. M.M.K was something in between these two categories. He wasn’t a wanna be as he has got some experience in the playboy department. But yet compared to H, he was still crawling.
M.M.K was a phase of flirting that followed M.H and the H rebound phase. But some how the guy got on my nerves and he triggered the little espionage talent in me. So, I used some old skills, got into his mail, his contact list and discovered all his little lies. He triggered this old talent I had because someone new showed up and he denied that he knows him. The check was to confirm my doubts.
I call M.M.K the road not taken, as regardless his little lies he might be the only real single who ever approached me. He was just out of a break up and he needed some mending, he was nice though he was so shallow. I don’t really regret turning him down, after all, the guy was a playboy who has put my name in a group called girls.
But M.M.K was the reason that I got close to M.M.I.B.
M.M.I.B was the “someone” new who showed up from the blue, and when I discovered the connection between him and M.M.K , I cut them both off after sending a well written email to both of them.
Later on, we got back on contact. After the interference of a friend that knew him and said that he is a good man. I found it safe to be around M.M.I.B at that time. All what I had in mind was friendship and I thought he was the safest option as he was engaged.

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