August 14, 2007

Diary of a broken heart - 4

I know that I was wrong, but I don’t think I have deserved it. I know I am stupid so there is no need to remind me as I never forgot. But if I am to be responsible they have to take their share of responsibility too as it takes two to tango. We tangoed so they should be blamed too.

Friendship it was, friendship was what I had in mind. I was still mourning M.H. I was mourning the friend I lost to love, the prince charming I lost to commitment and was still regretting my return to H in a way to get over M.H.
M.M.I.B was the new blood I needed at that time, in the time friends failed me under different calls. It was the time every one was busy getting married or everyone wearing the glasses of the know it all and telling me that I have got that to myself and that I was wrong getting involved in the first place.
I needed no one to remind me of my failure, my failure to choose, my failure to discover and my failure to be as lucky as others were. I mean I wasn’t the only one to get involved with what we call losers, but what differentiated my losers from theirs was that my losers dumped me while theirs married them.
M.M.I.B. was perfect at that phase. He didn’t remind me of the past and he played the role of the friend. He mastered that role to the extent he became my favorite friend.
He would call to check on me everyday, we started going out on regular basis. We built commonalities. It was fun to be around him and it was safe. Things grew. My feelings for him changed as his feelings changed too. He liked me, and he showed it. I liked the way he liked me. I loved the tiny things we both like. We were still friends when people noticed how good we look together. We looked like a couple and I enjoyed it, till he posed a question one day. He asked me if I loved him. I replied that I love him as a friend. But things didn’t stop at that point. I said that I can’t love him more than just a friend because he is already taken. One thing led to the other and he said he loves me.
I knew that his decision to get engaged was a family decision. He was engaged to a family member. And he seemed not to like the situation. He showed this disinterest and later declared that he will cut that relation off.
I can’t remember how things happened, I remember that at one point there were me, him, the world and lots of boundaries the next point there were only him and me. The world and boundaries disappeared.
We were inseparable. For the first time I am having a relation that I get that close to the person, Acting like a couple in public, having “our place” in every place. Understanding each other without talking, feeling each other while away.
Till I got to a point where I told him that I am so scared because I don’t feel that I am a single person anymore, I feel more like I am married to him.
He didn’t stop me; he promised that he will pose the issue to his family but after his trip to the states. This trip kept delaying from one month to the other. Till one day he had an accident. He called me from hospital and I didn’t know what to do. I called H, who sounded so reasonable at that time; he said that I shouldn’t go to the hospital as this is the worst time to let his family know about our relation. He later told me that regardless how sincere M.M.I.B was in his promises he will never break that engagement. His family wants it and the girl is a millionaire. He will never leave that girl for anything.
I was in love, deeply in love. I didn’t believe anyone but the one I love.
After the accident he changed, I was harsh on him as I couldn’t be there for him when he needed me, actually I needed to be beside him more than he needed me and that caused the problem. And again the issue of when will we commit was posed. His answer was that I always choose the wrong timing.
A week later we were back as before; I started receiving strange phone calls that I discovered was from his future brother in law, who overheard him talking to me on the phone. His aunt/ mother in law was behind these calls as she went through his phone bill to discover that he has been talking to me more than he has been talking to her daughter. They held a family meeting and he informed me with the result. They wanted him to cut his relation with me. I reminded him with his promises and he cried. He said he can’t turn his family down. He cried, all what he gave me was tears and he left me with nothing but a paper, a pen and my old time shadow. And as I had the feeling that I was married to him, after the break up I felt like a divorced woman. It took me too long to get out of that feeling.
It wasn’t over until recently. When I finally managed to find my closure and get over the M.M.I.B era.

I raised the happy and single flag, and stayed low. Kept marriage off the list and love out of the cards till I met Brad.


Miss Egyptiana "Trapped Soul" said...

ok i hate it when somone remind me of my failure...

but as u said... you are attracted o impossible relationships cause of the fear to commit and belong to someone!

i hope you sit with ourself and settle this issue down, to decide what you really wanna do with the coming days of your life

thought i have to admit ... being single is so much fun :)

god bless you

Shimaa Gamal said...

Dear Miss Egyptiana

I am a simple person with a simple list of goals :) that can be summed up in a small business.

I don't feel as down as I might sound by the way and I guess I stopped caring about the reason that gets me attracted to a certain type of men.

It is History ... but as a history lover I know that history is for us to keep in mind. So, regardless how different the man will seem to be, I will just say thank you and I will pass.

Yes, being single is funniest thing ever :)

Anonymous said...

We were inseparable. For the first time I am having a relation that I get that close to the person, Acting like a couple in public, having “our place” in every place. Understanding each other without talking, feeling each other while away

Can't wait to read about Brad