August 13, 2007

Diary of a broken heart - 1


Tonight, I decided, as a part of my self assessment program and my detoxification ritual, to write about the men in my life, the full relations, the semi relations and the frauds.
I would appreciate comments on this post as I would really like to know the reason behind my successive failures and the reason I always end up attracting a certain type of men.
I know I am a flirting person, though I am shy, but sometimes I just can’t fight the urge to go with a good flirt. But I am not a player. I don’t just go with the flow, I have limits. My idea of flirting is a couple of laughs and nothing more. I am not the kind of person who goes on dates with whomever she meets. Again I am a shy person who likes to test her attractiveness rate.
The first one was A.F. I met him in my first exposure to the real world. I was 18 turning 19. And he was a senior in the reputable firm I am having my 1st summer training in.
He was different; as he wasn’t attracted to the girl everyone else was attracted to. This girl was supposed to be my friend but she used me, or to be specific my social talents, to get to know all the men in that firm. And as I was talkative flirty and loud, she seemed to be exactly the opposite. She was wearing a mask of the quiet girl, some extra religion and unjustified maturity. I found out about her game, not by my super mind, but by absolute luck A guy who saw how close I was to her asked me if she had decided about his friend yet, and that his friend is worried as there were rumors that H and H are into the game too.
I finally discovered that each single man in that firm pursued that girl, and in the words of one of the contestants, I was after her because simply she wasn’t like you.
Regardless how much that guy apologized later and regardless how tiny the 19 yrs old mind. But I was hurt. I was there to learn, to get to know the market and to enjoy. I learnt that females are horrible creatures who aims nothing but hunting a man, and who can be as mean as a nasty wolf.
Then he came. He was mature, 9 years older than me. He was so impressive to the little girl. And the thing that impressed me the most was the fact he didn’t hunt the phony, he came after me because he believed I am a real diamond.
He was short, with signs of baldness. But I compromised the looks for love.
The 19 yrs old was so smart, I was so clear from point zero that I am not a number, and I am not a player and that if he wants a relation so the only form of relation I know is marriage. The guy was true to his word and he proposed. My father declined his proposal and said if he really wants her so he should wait till she gets her college degree.
And again, the guy was true. He waited. And for the two years that we waited for my father to accept the proposal we had an on/off relation. The first off was when I discovered that he is a liar. He lied about his education and implied things that he didn’t really do. I broke up with him for a week. Till a friend told me that I shouldn’t do this if I really love him. She suggested starting fresh. And I did. He called, I blamed him and that was it. but things never got back to normal. He started suppressing me or may be I started noticing his trials. Suggestions about my career, or to be accurate orders about my career, who to be friends with … etc. things went from bad to worse till I finally got my college degree. When the results were out I didn’t call him right away. I was keeping our relation a secret so I couldn’t find a private time to call him. and while I was thinking of a way to do, he called, that was before the time of mobile phones, I was surprised. And I still remember what he said. He said that I don’t love him, and that I am playing. He hung up the phone. A family member called me couple of hours later, this family member worked for the same firm but she didn’t know about me and A.F. she thought that all what was there was only a formal proposal. I found that family member calling me and screaming that I have tricked her and that I have been dishonest … etc.
I collapsed, or almost did as I have nerves of steel. I just had an episode of hyper tension at the age of 21.
A girl with my persistence, never let go. I managed to get things back on course regardless everything that happened. And finally his parents came over to ask for my hand in marriage. It was my first time to meet his parents. His mother showed all the signs of a horrible mother in law, but yet I kept on track. I had an aim, the aim was getting married to that short, bald man. So I worked to achieve my aim.
Unfortunately, his mother had other opinion. And after only two weeks of their visit, and after buying the rings, she started picking at me and finally his father called my father to call everything off.
I called him crying, I asked him why? I asked him why he didn’t even care to call and say that the two years of love was a mistake. Why didn’t he care to say thank you for loving me but I can’t keep on. Why didn’t he have the balls to break up with me? Why his father had to break up with my father. Why after everything we had between us.
I remember his reply. He said, there wasn’t anything between us. I hung up the phone and kept crying. I don’t remember how long cried him. But I remember the flirt that got me out of it.

His name was M.M. I met him in a course, while pursuing my dream of being a financial analyst. (Btw, that dream was never fulfilled too)
His opening line was strange, he came over and said “by the way you look like me, I feel like I am looking at the mirror”.
I was strange because it is not a good thing to tell a female that she resembles you in the looks, but he was true. We had the same eyes; people who didn’t know us thought we are family. And that was the start.
We flirted, and started the phone calls phase then he started following me everywhere I go. And at that point I posed the question. The definition question, I asked him what he really wants from me. I asked him about his intentions.
He gave me my very first shocking answer, he replied in confidence and said, “Shimaa, do you know what are you? You are a big red apple, shiny and clean and that’s set on a table with no sign that you belong to anyone. I want to taste that apple.”
He didn’t taste the apple; he got engaged later to the sister of one of my friends and now they are married with a beautiful kid.

And as a butterfly, I moved on to another course. I decided a career switch, and there was him. The famous H



To be continued

2 comments:

Miss Egyptiana "Trapped Soul" said...

mmm!!

i dunno how to start but.... we all get blinded while we are in the course of a relationship, but there were signs dear and you ignored them

AF... has no self confidence, and having a personality like yours, would be a headache to him .. so he tried his best to direct your life, and when he realized that things will be out of control and you have a personality, add to that his mother... the end is so expected

why he chooses you and not your friend!!! out of difference, and because he know he doesnt stand much with her

MM... is someone who wanna play ... the word tasting the apple is so obvious ... the man wanna drag you to his bed!! and when things didnt work out,,, he left

he was never serious

mmmm

READ THE SIGNSSSSS... that is the secret

Shimaa Gamal said...

Dear Miss Egyptiana
I am not good at reading signs, and sometimes they are too smart and give me wrong signs to follow.

ma7desh beyt3alem belsahel :)