August 26, 2007

Pages From A Torn Diary - That Night

While going through some of my old writings I found this, it is not too old. But it never found its way to be published. It wasn't meant to be published in the first place, it is just a page from the diary I tear apart ...
It was dated June 22, 2007. It was about Brad

I guess that night started a couple of days earlier. It started with that kind of dreams. There was him and there was the silly me handing him some of my hair as a gift. And typically he took it playfully and ended up throwing it away.
I don’t tend to take my dreams seriously, but I couldn’t ignore that one. I couldn’t ignore my subconscious warning me to wake up from the dream I am living.
I remembered the similar dreams that I had before, “M.M.I.B” kicking me in one, “H.H” leaving me with a monster. I just couldn’t ignore the subconscious warning.
I woke up from that dream to find my radar screaming, the target couldn’t be located.
He didn’t call, didn’t answer the calls and if he eventually ended up answering. He will sound as cold as a snow storm. He stopped missing me, he couldn’t find anything to say and the conclusion was he lost interest.
It was the moment I told myself seems that the game is over and reminded myself that this game was a timed game in the 1st place but seems that our timers were set to two different times. I reminded myself with every advice my friends gave me when I told them about him.
Then it was the time of the friends’ talks or let it be the truth call. “Something/someone else has got his attention and that was expected, I warned you”. That was his first comment. “I never liked him in the first place”. He said so reminding me with every single warning he gave me before. “Honey, Relax and think”, that was the comment of the more understanding friend. He added “We already know that it is just a game”.

Then came the time of what I call “The TALK”. I said “honey you seem busy”. He replied “kind of, you know I am usually busy at that time of the day”. So, I said when you are free, tell me because we need to talk. That was the hardest thing I have done that night. A couple of minutes earlier I tangoed in a fight with a “Something” who thought can have some free fun on my expense and I didn’t mess a step. It couldn’t even be considered hard. But asking him to have “the talk” can be considered the hardest thing I have done in a while. It was even harder from kicking the ex’s off my life.
His immediate reply was, now is good I am free.
I asked him directly “honey, are you pulling away”.
He replied “define pulling away”
I said “I noticed a change in your habits”
He replied “me too” and elaborated “less phone calls”
I said “less phone calls, less missing, and less interest”
He denied that he has lost interest and explained his change by a mood swing.
So, I asked him if we are good now, and he replied that up to his knowledge we are always good.
Then he stated three things that he doesn’t really like about me, the fact that I am “ZANANA”. which is something that I have told him about before but he didn’t really experience. And I guess the more he approaches my “Zann” zone the more he believes how severe my case is.
The second reason was a tip that he thinks I gave to his stalker. Though I have explained before that it wasn’t a tip it was more like a water test. But still he couldn’t accept me tipping his stalker.
The third thing was the fact that I am a super curious person. And he just didn’t like how much I am trying to push his buttons to know something that he didn’t want to talk about.
The fact that the three turn offs were all related to that stalker because of something that I have told her, or something that I implied in my talk to her or because a question that I have asked about her gave me a shiver that I ignored.
Because we already had the stalker talk before and supposedly he cleared it and I should never have any more reasons to doubt the stalker’s position in his life.
He asked me if something is turning me off. I replied no. I just said that I didn’t want to have that talk.
He wondered if we are at the same place. He meant the cross roads. I replied sure we are don’t panic. He replied panic is the last thing he does.
I went to bed seeking some sleep after few sleepless nights. For the first time in months I pushed the pillow I call his name away. I couldn’t hold it. I found myself crying and I couldn’t stop my tears.
Though he denied losing interest but he couldn’t be any less interested. He didn’t deny that he stopped missing me. He stopped missing me in the time I couldn’t sleep for days because I missed him. I wanted to talk in the time he avoided talking by all means.
He was turned off by some key characters in my personality, Curiosity and nagging. I am a female, I am entitled to nag, I am entitled to be curious and I am entitled to feel insecure because of a shadow. I am a woman and I have the right to use my intuition to evaluate situations.
I just cried, I wanted someone to get my out of that state but couldn’t think of a name because everyone who knows about it won’t support me. They will all have the same answer, “you knew it”. They will blame me for accepting the “No Status” status in the first place. They will blame me for getting the young girl out to play that game in the time it was a game suggested by the devil woman in the mirror. I didn’t even have the chance to call the ex’s I blew away to be free for the game. How to expect support from someone you just kicked away for someone else. I regretted the old time of the ex’s. They gave me the enough suspense in the hide and seek game we played. They provided a familiar and safe way to exercise my mind. And ever since they held the title “ex” they stopped rejecting me. I have become more interesting for them when I became less interested in them.
I cried thinking of my silly thoughts of giving the men’s empire a last chance, a chance that will never include marriage, a chance that will never include any sort of commitment other than a commitment to enjoy life.

All what I wanted was a hug, the right to shed a few tears on his shoulder whispering how much I will miss him. All what I wanted is a chance to look into his eyes wondering if it was to end with a kiss how it was going to be. All what I wanted is to know that I am not standing alone in the cross roads.

Silly ME!!

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

I cried thinking of my silly thoughts of giving the men’s empire a last chance, a chance that will never include marriage, a chance that will never include any sort of commitment other than a commitment to enjoy life.

Keda et3alemtey