August 05, 2007

On Brad - Part I

It has been a week since Brad’s disappearance which seems to have been expected by everyone but me, as usual.
He didn’t give a sign that he is going to disappear though my radar kept beeping that the object has changed its pattern but yet I didn’t see it fleeing. I acknowledged the change and requested an explanation, and as the object denied the change I ignored it.
The radar was right and my procedure was wrong. And the result was that he disappeared without an explanation.
I don’t feel as down as I might sound. I am just curious to know the reasons that made him change. What turned him off, if he was ever turned on?
The reason for my curiosity is personal assessment, nothing related to him. I would like to know the reason to take note of what made the man flee, the man who knew that I will never ask for commitment, who asked to keep sex off the table, and then willingly kept love out of question too. A man who admitted he is enjoying the crush and addicted to the woman on question and is happy with the undefined relation.
In process of being the woman I am now, I gave away the little dreams of girls. I gave away the knight in shinning armors, the happy ever after life and the princesses’ tales.
I settled to a form of relation that I see as a perfect one. A relation that has no end, that’s not defined by obligations and that doesn’t inherent tight rights, A form of relation where I will have a degree of freedom and won’t be destroying my partner’s space.
Some how that form of a relation can be summed in meeting someone, liking him, seeing him steady and exploring each other, and this is commitment enough for me. The idea of getting into a relation aiming something is off my agenda. My aim is always the relation itself.
I thought that this new form of a relation is something that no man will ever object. I can understand when a man objects a relation that wants to trap him in the marriage cage. But a man objecting a non committing relation, a man turning his back to the undefined is something beyond my poor silly mind, and that’s why I would like to know Brad’s reasons for disappearance. The reason he lost interest, again if he was ever interested, and why he disappeared without a notice though he promised he will tell me if he ever decided to walk away.
He once jumped to a conclusion of why do I like him. He thought that I like him for two reasons the first was that he treats me like a woman. And the second was because he doesn’t lie.
I told him he was wrong, but he refused to know the real reasons I liked him. Instead he asked me to work on a list of my dislikes. He asked me to be honest and to be as harsh as I can be.
I liked Brad for the same things I liked any man else, I got attracted to him in the same way I get attracted initially to anyone else.
He is a good flirt, which is the first thing that attracts me to a man. I am a flirting person so a good flirting man will always have my attention. He is an engineer and I have something for engineers, he speaks French and I adore a multi-lingual man. He is a man of manners, he is decent, and he’s got a nice smile and a good sense of humor. The guy passed the initial screening. And there he stood on the door to my world. So the question should be what caused the crush? Why I let Brad in though in similar cases I would have stopped at the step of enjoying the good flirts.
I let Brad in because he was different in one way. He reads and I don’t come across many readers. I have a complex because of shallow persons. But Brad was different as he reads; he is a man of knowledge and of sound opinion which was the real reason I was interested in him. I liked the potentiality implied with this difference, I liked that he can be different. The idea of being the first female to discover a different species of men was another thing I liked. The fact that he reads what I write turned me on, as no man before showed any interest of my writings. I had a serious of lovers who believed that my writings are just of no use, they couldn’t even read more than two or three lines of a whole page. Brad showed interest to get to know me because of these useless writings.
It wasn’t that he treats me like a woman that made me like him, but that he have spotted a human in me and discovered the mind that made me really like him.
I have no problem being treated as a woman, I have a long list of men who makes a queen of that woman, but seldom had any of these men admired the mind. And that what made me let Brad into the little world of me. Not because he never lies because I know he does, may be unintentionally or because he thought that these lies were irrelevant to the context of the connection we had. But still, he is a human and humans sometimes lie.
So, as far as he isn’t lying to me with the intension of deceiving me or making use of me, I don’t really care. I don’t care that he said he has only 8 contacts on his messenger list and then discovering that he has more. I just take notes of such lies for further notice. And from all the men I have known only one person respected my memory and my intelligence and kept note of the little lies he’s told me.
I know by heart that men are selfish and they are liars, so there is no way I will like a man because I believe he doesn’t lie. If I found such a man who I can’t spot his lies I will ask him to teach me his secret because he must be so good not to slip even for once.
What I don’t like about Brad are the very same things I don’t like about any man. I never liked his little unfulfilled promises, “Honey, I will call you when I get home” and he never calls. “I will be coming to Cairo to see you before I go”, he never showed up. “I will call you when I get there”, he didn’t call. I don’t like that he didn’t consider these things as promises to fulfill.
I didn’t like that he asked me to explore while he wasn’t really willing. And now I don’t like that he disappeared without a reason. I don’t like that he didn’t care about the friend, or that he forgot that the friend has a woman inside who will be deeply hurt by being rejected by the man inside him. I thought that out of the care about the friend he will owe the woman an explanation to keep her quiet. I thought he will always remember our agreement that friendship to sustain regardless anything. Now, what the friend has to say the woman would like to know?!!

The story was simple, I liked the man I was clear and he disappeared, Typical!!

So, I guess I have been treated from my “Bradetamine” addiction.

There will be more to come on Brad.


Miss Egyptiana "Trapped Soul" said...

He Reads!!
He Cares to read what you write!!
He respect your mind!!

Rare species he was ...

can i say that i have expected the disappearence too ... like everyone else ... as we are out of the circle and not blindd by the package men give on their first meetings

starting with i am different, i will always be here no matter what, i will do this, i will do that, i kep my word, and end with i am a real man not like other male....

everytime i meet someone new i hear the exact package .... boring ...

they only get to know us to satisfy something inside, to explore new lands, and get whatever they can !!!

so sorry that you fell in the same trap ... men are the same, even readers

waiting for more of you

Anonymous said...

As i said before when i read the first row of your writing i can't stop till i complete it.

waiting for more and more and more.