February 16, 2011

It is all personal after all

In case you have been stranded on a deserted island on the last two weeks I would like to inform you that we are having a revolution in Egypt. A revolution that even those who called for it never believed it will work. It worked, the revolution managed to outcast the Egyptian president. And Egypt, the country I have always known will never be the same.

Let’s first agree on one thing. I was never high on revolutions the same way wars never thrill me. The idea of people dying is terrifying for me and I believe should be avoided at any cost. I don’t mind if I died, I mind if someone else had to die for me to live. I can’t live with the guilt. It is that simple, I am a person who takes risks but never put others at risk.

If you recall my La Revolution en Rouge I voiced my worries of where my beloved country is heading. I was worried of the level of tension I was feeling everywhere and how it could explode for the silliest reasons, even just a football match.

The revolution happened. And I am still not high on revolutions. I know that right now I will instantly be labeled as a traitor by many. My friends are already looking at me suspiciously because, honestly, it is even too hard for me to grasp right now how I can be pro reform yet not high and excited about the revolution.

It really puzzles me. And for the 1st time I am here facing my own complexities 1st hand. For the 1st time I get to handle my pragmatism against my romanticism. The concept of revolution is in core a romantic concept. Knocking down the walls of the possible to get to the promising unknown is such an overwhelming inspirational idea.

Challenging all what’s known for the good of the unknown. To fight for the right you believe in till you either die or win. This is what revolutions are all about and this is what my life was really all about or at least so I believed. I don’t give in to things that I don’t believe in. I do what I believe is right regardless how wrong others think it is. I have a long record of risk. I didn’t change, I agreed on the goal. I never denied how bad things are, I was even mocked by many for still believing in the country. I wrote this in the time no one really saw me standing on a solid ground.

Then it was Tunisia and I started getting really worried because for the 1st time I knew that exploding is near. I smelled it and I wasn’t excited, on the contrary and for my personal surprise for the 1st time in my whole life I wish I had a microphone to go in the streets of Egypt and beg people not to go in these demos. I wanted to go in the streets of Egypt and tell the Egyptian government to step down and start seeing how the levels of tension really are.

One more time I was helpless. It is ok to be helpless on the personal level. But I felt personally responsible for everything that will happen to this country.

I felt responsible and I still feel responsible and I am frozen by the responsibility.

I know it is crazy to feel responsible for a whole country in the time I am just an insignificant individual with a very faint voice. But this is how I feel; this is how I have been feeling since I said my very 1st prayer for Tunisians. I feel responsible for everyone and everything in Egypt and I feel helpless because I can’t do anything about it.

A day before the jan25 protests started I commented on something a friend shared on facebook that I am a control freak. I can’t be excited about these protests for they are not under my control and no one can tell the results. And as the days went on I was proven right about lots of things. And I keep saying that we are just getting started. Right now, we have a military junta ruling the country, no constitution, the people say they gained their dignity back but they have done this on the expense of the state. Right now, the biggest threat on the Egyptian national security is the Egyptian streets and the army is everywhere.

Sure people will laugh if I said that this is chaotic and will say that it is ok and things are going smooth but then I will have to differ and say that right now there is no state in Egypt which makes all scenarios possible. No one could tell if things are going to stabilize or just set on fire again. No one could ever tell, because right now a 7000 yrs old country is on her knees. And I feel personally responsible for this.

And I can't solve this. I can't undo those people who died. I can't undo the lots of things that happened and added up to lead to the overwhelming surprise of people taking over Tahrir (liberation) square. I can't guarantee that all the bad scenarios running in my head won't end up true. And this is torturing me.

My 7000 years old love is on her knees and somehow this is all my fault.