February 29, 2016

Random Messages - 28

I felt safe.

I felt safe enough to kick off the nagging dark thoughts.

I felt safe enough to get back to singing and dancing.

I felt safe and now I am totally lost.

It feels like I am naked and surrounded by predators.

It is paralyzing! 

The Drill

At the age of 36 you discover that you have picked up a few survival skills without even noticing. One of those skills is mending a broken heart.

So how do we mend a broken heart? 

Super easy!

1. Do your best to get past the denial phase. This isn't just a bad dream and you are not waking up to the life you used to. Denial will delay the pain and will make it harder to deal with it.
You are a big girl. Your heart is broken. Deal with it.

2. Bargaining makes you pathetic. Begging and renegotiating the relationship won't solve the problem. Chances are the new terms will add insult to injuiry. 
Skip the bargain. You lost anyway.

3. The rule is no prisoners, just casulaties. Leave no trace of him.

4. Kill a habit with a habit. 

5. Write it away.

6. There is no shame is feeling down. It is ok to fail and fall. 

7. Try not to give him pieces of your mind. He doesn't worth the energy. And it won't make you feel better.

8. He is a piece of shit. Act accordingly.

9. You will live!

10. Forgive yourself. It is hard and seems impossible. But you will eventually have to do.
Forgive yourself. You are imperfect and it is totally ok. 

And we repeat! 

February 27, 2016

Random Messages - 27

The thing is I want to know what was so tempting in me to make him do what he did. I can't find a good reason for a man who is deeply admired and respected by a certain someone to jeopardize all that and for what? For a couple of days of a fake romance!

Why would he do something like that?

Why would he consciously choose to move from the trusted and respected zone to the hated and despised zone?

Why would anyone do this?

Why was it so easy for him to do it?

February 23, 2016

Random Messages - 26

I didn't see us happening. I saw him coming yet I depended on my defense mechanisms to deal with him. He got past the defenses. I don't really know how he did it, but one day there weren't "us" and then it just happened.
I didn't see him leaving. I was skeptic, scared and kept shaking the gift life threw at me to make sure it wasn't a bomb. Finally I gave in and I was happy.

I was finally safe and then it blew up and he left.

I didn't see us happening!

February 22, 2016

Bitter Ends

- What happened?

- He just couldn't handle how real my love is!

February 21, 2016

Random Messages - 25

I am ruined beyond fixing. I am too broken to be loved. It is usually fine. It is usually ok to be that ruined and that broken. But today is one of those days when this isn't really ok. And I am not really fine.

I am ruined beyond fixing and too broken to be "loved" and it is not really ok!

February 17, 2016

Random Messages - 24

Dear Him,

I am only defeated when you decide to remind me of it.

Let me be or I will let you go. Consider yourself on a notice.

Random Messages - 23

Dear A,

Remember when you said you want to make it up for me for all the days you lived away from me?

What if it is too late? What if you have come too late?

Random Messages - 22

Dear A,

Today was a heavy day and the heaviest part of it is the fact that I can't tell you why it was heavy.

February 14, 2016

Random Messages - 21

I think we are old enough to stop holding onto things and people.

I think I am old enough to start learning to let go.