Change?

X: I don't think you changed. I don't think anything changed.

Y: Really! You don't think anything changed? Let me enlighten you then. When I met you I wanted to marry you. When I met you I wanted to fall in love, I wanted to be loved back, I wanted to settle down, I wanted to get married. When I met you I had hopes for children, when I met you I thought I would grow old with you.
When I met you I was young. Now I am old. I don't want to get married, neither to you or to anyone else, I neither have hopes for children nor I want them. I don't feel like I want to grow old with you, I have crossed half the way alone and it was fine.
When I first met you I wanted life, and life was you. Now, I have life and there is no place for you.

The Drill

At the age of 36 you discover that you have picked up a few survival skills without even noticing. One of those skills is mending a broken heart.

So how do we mend a broken heart? 

Super easy!

1. Do your best to get past the denial phase. This isn't just a bad dream and you are not waking up to the life you used to. Denial will delay the pain and will make it harder to deal with it.

You are a big girl. Your heart is broken. Deal with it.

2. Bargaining makes you pathetic. Begging and renegotiating the relationship won't solve the problem. Chances are the new terms will add insult to injuiry. 

Skip the bargain. You lost anyway.

3. The rule is no prisoners, just casulaties. Leave no trace of him.

4. Kill a habit with a habit. 

5. Write it away.

6. There is no shame is feeling down. It is ok to fail and fall. 

7. Try not to give him pieces of your mind. He doesn't worth the energy. And it won't make you feel better.

8. He is a piece of shit. Act accordingly.

9. You will live!

10. Forgive yourself. It is hard and seems impossible. But you will eventually have to do.

Forgive yourself. You are imperfect and it is totally ok. 

And we repeat! 

On Closures

I wrote him a long email explaining why I had to decline his offer.

But I didn't send it.

I would have sent it if he asked.

I have done everything I could. I have walked the extra mile.

I think it is over ... but i am not sure if it is ok.

Defeat

I feel defeated!

I had a series of surprise birthday parties/ gifts/ texts & phone calls. Part of this could be attributed to the fact that I have plenty of loving friends and family. And part could be attributed to the fact that I changed the settings to my birthday on facebook to public. I decided as a treat for my 35^th birthday to indulge in self celebratory attitude. Guess what? It worked. And I had one of the best birthdays in my 35 yrs.

Yet that leads us back to the defeat.

I feel defeated!

And this defeat could be put in one sentence. I am never enough!

I am never enough … and it is exhausting. It has been exhausting all my life to try to be of worth.

And now as I realize that I have lost each and every battle I have ever been at, I am starting to wonder what does a person do after losing the war?

I have spent all my life thinking that all what you have to do is keep fighting. You keep trying. You never give up. You don’t quit. I have spent all my life believing that losing a battle doesn’t mean losing the whole war.

But I feel defeated.

I have no energy to fight. But I have no idea what do you do with defeat!

Another Pathetic Post

I seriously don't know where to start.

He is getting back to his ex wife.

yes, another guy leaving me for another woman.

He is getting married. The guy who repeatedly said he is anti "marriage" is getting married. and to whom? to the woman who has made him the idea of being in a relationship in the 1st place.

I don't know what exactly do I do to them to make them all get married.

I don't know what do I exactly fix.

He left me without even a goodbye.

He burnt all types of bridges between us.

And he is getting married ...

Abracadabra

So each of us is like a magician, with a bag of tricks. You meet a person and you start pulling one trick after the other, sometimes you win and sometimes you lose. But once in a while you meet one person and all your tricks fail.

And you are left with the question will your tricks ever work on anyone again.

Once in a while you meet the one person who shakes your belief in your own magic. And you find yourself holding back from doing the one thing you know how to do because you are not sure it will ever work again.

Closures

If you are a “F.R.I.E.N.D.S” fan you will sure remember Rachel out on a date with that someone just right after Ross got back from China with a new girlfriend. She kept talking about Ross the whole evening and that was when her date told her she needs a closure to move on. Being drunk, she called Ross as a sort of closure. She left him a message on his machine that she was so much over him. Sure enough the result of that call wasn’t exactly a closure it was the start. As Ross never knew that Rachel was “Under Him” to get “Over Him” in a closure.
What Rachel’s date suggested that evening, keeping the over and under results of the phone call aside, is exactly what I believe in. I am a believer that relationships need a closure. It is normal to feel hurt after a break-up even if it was us who put an end to it. It is normal to feel angry. And it is normal to hate the person we once loved. There are people who even keep the love and hope after the break-up.
All these are painful. It is painful to remember, it is painful to hate and it is sure painful to keep a hope of love for an illusion. And this is when closures become a necessity.
A closure is point where you get to the indifference target. To hate isn’t the opposite of love as hate is still a feeling. The opposite of love is indifference. Closure is the point where there are no feelings left, neither bad nor good. It is the point when you discover why it wasn’t meant to be after all. It is when you see why it was never going to work eventually. It is when you know that the time to move on is now. It is when you know that the door was open and that there was no need to seek a new window after all.
Closures are not blames. You don’t get to a closure when you blame an ex for everything he/ she has done. Closures are not regrets. You don’t get to a closure with the long list of I shouldn’t have done so. Closures are in the little things just like love. Love is formed of the few little things. And those few little things are the seeds for indifference. Closures lie within.

When HH called me the other morning, I wasn’t that excited to answer. His words were still buzzing in my head from the last time he called. He wanted me to find love and get married. As he believed that he has ruined my life too much and it is about time for him to let me go find a decent man to accompany me in my journey. Yet he asked to be a part of that new life. The only thing he wanted me to do is to find a way to make him my second priority not my first (yes, I made him believe that he is my 1st priority!!). That morning, when he last called, as I was listening to his lame excuses for letting me go I remembered his hierarchy of priorities and I remembered a comment Brad made once on someone he calls “Spiderman.”
Spiderman was someone who tried hooking up with me. He was fun, flirty but that cup of tea was too strong for my taste. I wondered why Brad wasn’t worried about my little tangos with Mr. Spiderman. So Brad simply said, because that guy is clear. He just wants to jump into your pants. And I know you know how to keep him off.
I don’t really remember what did I say to HH that morning and sure I can never remember what he said. All what I can remember, that it felt so easy to keep him off me that morning because finally I have found my closure.
My closure was in my pants. Didn’t I tell you? It lies in those little things (wicked wink)