May 27, 2013

On the things I’d rather be doing

I had to run errands this morning, and spent the rest of my morning packing for a trip that’s giving me anxiety attacks. Right now, I am supposed to be cooking. I have laundry piled up because my washing machine decided to break. I have lots of things that aren’t going to be done unless I do them.   
I can’t delegate, I can’t procrastinate, I can’t run and I can’t hide. The fact that I am being haunted with these tasks is draining me emotionally. The more I am emotionally drained, the more I feel the heaviness of the tasks waiting for me to be done.

And I end up stuck. I neither do the things I really want to do nor the things that are waiting for me to be done.

Let me start with the trip that’s giving me anxiety attacks. I am going Umrah, yes! Again! For the sixth year in a row! And honestly, I can’t be less excited. I don’t want to go. And I regret not saying NO clearly when I had the chance to do. I said yes, because I felt obligated to go. I didn’t want to leave my father alone. I felt obligated to go so I would be there if he needed me.

That would sum up lots of the things giving me the repetitive anxiety attacks.  I feel obligated to do something. Some will say that I am not obligated, that I can always say no, and simply do whatever I want to do. But those people can’t get the idea of the obligation. You are not obligated because someone asked you to do certain thing. You are obligated because you feel you are expected to do that certain thing.
You can’t run away from what you are expected to be doing. It will keep haunting you anyway. Guilt and regret will be the two dominating features of your life.

More of, if you kept doing the things that you have to do there will be a point in time when you totally forget about the things you really want to do.

You are stuck, as simple as that.

I’d rather not cook. I’d rather not to worry about who is going to eat what. I’d rather not worry about laundry. I’d rather not worry about a dirty kitchen or an apartment that needs to get cleaned up.

I’d rather not worry about how fast my father is getting old. I’d rather not watch as his health deteriorates.

I’d rather not worry about my brother and sister.

I’d rather not go on family vacations.

I’d rather not go spend a vacation in praying and shopping for gifts for all types of relatives.

I’d rather be on a beach, with a man who can’t have enough of me.

I’d rather be making love all day and night instead of praying all day and night!

I’d rather be sleeping.

I’d rather be trying out the things I have always feared to try.

I’d rather not be reminded that I am getting older and that I will live alone.

I’d rather be calm instead of being constantly anxious.

I’d rather do absolutely nothing instead of doing all the things I have to be doing.

I’d rather be enjoying the little things that I have been waiting for them to happen for years. Instead I am always being pulled out by things I’ve been trying to escape for years.

A couple of weeks ago a friend told me that I am not easily bored as I keep saying. He said that he thinks I am patient and persistent. He said the proof that I am patient and persistent is that I have been doing all the things I’d rather not do for years. He said that for an outsider I seem to be short tempered and easily bored while I am not.

And you know what. He is the first person to get how I exactly feel in really long time.

I am stuck.

And it isn’t easy to get out from where I am.