I am his match and he knows it yet he chose not to be with me.
December 28, 2015
December 23, 2015
December 14, 2015
You know why it didn't work with S?
It is neither the fact that he was married nor the fact that he comes from a totally different social background. And it isn't that it was a rebound and rebounds rarely work by definition.
The S thing didn't work because I never really wanted it to work.
The thing is, I miss him sometimes. I even miss him more than I miss H. I miss how street smart he is, I miss the stories he told me and I surely miss how he made me feel. S was never ashamed of being mesmerized whenever I was around. He always looked in awe, he always listened carefully, he made sure to make me feel like a far star that he was so lucky to reach.
Yet I don't miss the burden being with him put on me.
The burden of being with him was so heavy. It wasn't easy to escape him and maintain the relationship within the "safe distance". He wanted us to be "official", he wanted us to act as a couple and that meant not only that we tell our common friends about our relationship but also to decide on the sex question.
I wasn't ready for any of these. I didn't want to be official with him, I didn't want to decide on the sex question. I only wanted him to keep making me feel good.
I wanted to be loved till I am healed.
I tell everyone that he left, he didn't. I pushed him away.
In part I wanted to test how deep was his love. I wanted him to stick to me regardless what I said or did. But he didn't. He left.
I never admit how much the S thing broke my heart. It was like adding insult to injury. I was sure he will stick around, my instincts told me he loves me and my brain told me that as long as I was out of his league he will never risk losing me.
He lost me anyway! And I lost with him whatever I had left of self confidence.
Later I asked him why did he stop loving me and he answered he never stopped.
He said that he loves me but he had to step back because he didn't have anything to offer me.
He is right, all what I wanted was to be loved till I am healed. And unconditional love isn't something that everyone can offer.
All what I need is to be loved till I am healed.
December 07, 2015
December 06, 2015
December 02, 2015
What he said was harsh, yet true. I never really knew him. I knew enough of him though. I knew whatever he let me know. The "he let me know part" is arguable but that won't change the fact that he was right. In part I was in love with my imagination of him.
This fact leads us to another fact that he won't probably admit. He too never cared to know me. I could dare to say he never even tried. He too knew enough of me. He knew enough not to love me, he knew enough not to care to know more about me, or maybe he knew enough to stir the relationship exactly where he wanted it to be. I will never know what he knew about me or what he really had in mind because I never really knew who he really is.
A repeated deadlock!
What he said, how I feel and how it ended is the story of my life.
No one really cares to know me, and I never really know anything more than what they let me know. I end up loving the imagination of them, they walk away, I never really know why they did ... and I repeat.
November 26, 2015
November 25, 2015
November 21, 2015
November 15, 2015
I eventually win.
I know that all what I ever needed was to wait, work a little harder and wait again.
It always worked. Yet by the time I eventually win I am usually way too exhausted.
By the time I get the things I worked too hard to get and waited to long to see, I don't really have the energy to enjoy neither them nor the joy of accomplishment.
Yet, I keep doing it.
I will always win, regardless how irrelevant it will eventually be.
November 14, 2015
November 05, 2015
November 04, 2015
October 31, 2015
It is just like a huge monster is crushing my heart mercilessly.
I keep breathing. I keep doing what I always do. I keep looking around for friends, I keep writing, I keep making a fool of myself, I keep begging for things I know no one wants to give me, and I keep getting shut off.
I am at a point where I don't know exactly what's crushing my heart more, loneliness or the constant rejection. I don't know which is worse, having things to say & no one to listen to, or just pouring those things in random ears anyway.
I am lonely .. I miss having someone to talk with. I miss having someone who listens to my crazy ideas, someone who will listen to the same old story till I get to the new moral.
I am lonely .. and I don't really know how to undo this.
October 22, 2015
October 21, 2015
October 19, 2015
October 18, 2015
People will eventually come around, and all what you have to do is wait on them to do.
Yet wait is the most expensive option as life might not wait on you.
October 05, 2015
There is a point in your life when you just stop "leaping", not out of fear or hesitance, But you stop taking leaps because you know better, you have been there and you have done that.
There is a point in your life where you can tell the difference between faith and delusion.
There is a point of your life when the only "wise" thing to do is to stop trying.
Will you do the wise thing and risk standing still, or will you keep moving on and take the "delusional" leap?
September 30, 2015
September 23, 2015
September 22, 2015
So I wrote a long "Ad" with the title "Hiring". I listed facts about myself, and the traits I am looking for in a man. I also designated a part to explain why I am in need of such a man. I wrote "I needed a full time friend and I explained how lonely I get and how exhausting it is to live in a world full of men wanting to jump into a girl's pants.
My friends' reactions were disappointing. None of them took me seriously, at least no one I know of, few girls replied that they wish they can write something similar and one replied that she wants in because she is looking for the same thing.
As for the male friends, most of them ignored the message totally and those who replied asked me to stop being silly because I don't need to ask for it, it will happen when it is meant to be. Only one said that he dare not set me up with any of his friends because he fears the consequences on our friendship had the relationship with the guy he chooses fails.
10 years later, I am still at the same point. I am still looking for a decent man and I am still hoping for a serious steady relationship. Up to this moment, none of the men I call Ex are really Ex's. I never had a relationship with any of them. The maximum I had with any of them was a period of intense feelings from my side, a date or two and then he walks away. So, I am old enough to admit that I never had a boyfriend. I never had a real relationship.
I am 36 yrs old and I am looking for a decent man to be my full time friend. Someone to take me the way I am, to love me as much as he can and to stay past the 1st argument and calls after the 1st date.
I don't think I am that appalling and there must be someone out there who shares the same thinking.
I want a relationship, I have been wanting a relationship for the last 10 years. I must be doing something wrong because I am still at the same point. I still get my heart broken because the men I like never like me back, I still get friendzoned, I still get defeated by other women. I am still lonely. And loneliness crushes my heart so hard sometimes.
I am sick of having friends who just tag along in wanting to post an Ad like the beautiful one I wrote.
July 01, 2015
June 14, 2015
May 15, 2015
April 28, 2015
I am angry. I am too angry I can't even put it in words.
I will be such an ungrateful brat if I said life is bad. I am actually living some of my best days regardless all the minor inconviences.
And those "minor" inconviences are pushing me to the edge. I contemplate death a lot just to escape those "minor" inconviences.
Then my uncle set me up with someone. Which translates to عمي جابلي عريس.
I met him just to avoid the drama. But I didnt, dad gave me one of my worst days ever.
Then it didnt end. He apparently likes me, and i pushed him away twice. I am trying to be nice and considerate of his fucking emotions.
He makes me angry.
He is unfit. He isn't a match. And I don't have a match.
I should live with it. And everyone else should too.
I am angry. I am surrounded by seriously annoying people. No one takes a fucken hint!
No one fucken listens.
And yes .. live with it. Liking me won't make me like you back. Mother fucker!
Yes I am having high days. I am happy and you are ruining my happiness.
You are making me angry! Too angry I think I should kill myself to escape you and the anger.
March 15, 2015
January 17, 2015
I miss writing in English as much as I miss writing about myself.
I feel like I have lost my touch. I am not pouring as much feelings & dark thoughts into writing as I used to do.
Anyway, as I have been single for quiet sometime now. And no one even thought of asking me out on a date in almost a year. Also I noticed that the moment I start flirting with anyone is the moment he makes sure to make it clear that he isn't up for a relationship.
So I thought there must be something totally off about me.
Maybe that I am putting on weight or age or even acne scars! Maybe I am losing my sense of humor. Or even worse I have become too senstive to be dealt with.
Actually, there are plenty of reasons that could scare them away but I think I know the one and only reason that makes me such a turn off.
Do I cling?
I don't think so, yet I might be giving signs that I am up to a serious relationship. And that I might be having expecatations. I might even want to get married. Not to mention the viriginty thing and the no sex without marriage rule.
Well .. if i were a man i would have been turned off. Why would I ask someone who have expectations of a decent healthy relationship out! Why would I get close to a virgin who won't lose her virginity without a ring?!
There is no good reason to take such risks.
They have every right to be scared!