December 22, 2009

The Nothings in my Mind

I have a problem, I am a very sensitive person but I am a bit discreet about this fact. I get affected easily. Words get through me. I take criticism seriously even if it was just a joke. Let me re-phrase this, I am paranoid. I’d consider many things criticism and I don’t like to be criticized. At least not from people I consider strangers, or people who put me in an unplanned competition. One more thing about me, I am a competitive person. I love competition but I never loved my competitors till I am sure I have beaten them. And then my love to them isn’t really love it is just another form of pity.

So, to cut that long story short, I have issues, confidence issues. So, when someone says that I am shallow because I couldn’t be inspired by something he thought inspirational this would have a bad effect on me that could last for years. And when someone who doesn’t really know me casually says that I use big words and impose too much philosophy on things, this too will pull me down.

And regardless how I would really love to elaborate on this very incident, when I was mocked for using “big words”, that made me feel more “lesser” but I won’t. Partially because dignifying this with elaboration would make me feel more “lesser”!

My point is I am a really sensitive person, I get hurt easily and only people who lived close to me would know this. Others would always think that it is ok to hurt me because I am strong enough to take it.

So, my “HH” thinks I am in love. He said that I have changed, and that I am not the “Shimaa” he knows. He said I am still the same in many things but something has changed in me. Other than that shine that I have lost. He got used to me without the shine. It is something more. And he thinks that I might be in love and unaware of it. He knows me good enough to know that my heart can’t beat without having a picture of someone in it. He knows me enough and it is relieving sometimes. I mean it is annoying most of the times because this knowledge made him find a way to trick me many times. But it is relieving to talk with someone who just knows how to bring up conversation. He even said that he was talking with one of my ex crushes and that my ex crush asked about me. Honestly I don’t believe it happened but HH was nice enough to swear it did and that even my ex crush said that he liked me a lot and that he thinks I am really smart.
Another good thing about HH is that he usually would call me smart, pretty and sexy in the same sentence.

Anyway, it was really nice of him mentioning that my ex crush liked me because seriously I liked that guy a lot.

Speaking of conversations, I have been having troubles keeping conversations going. I use the weather talk a lot these days and with everyone. I keep talking and talking about the weather. It is interesting sometimes and it is a nice ice breaker but seriously I have better things to say. But I just keep sticking to the weather. As if I want to hide something. But really most of the time the reason behind the elongated weather talk is the fact that I don’t think whatever I have to say is interesting enough. And that sometimes all what I really need is a silent conversation, or to just listen. I don’t feel like saying things, I want to talk but stay silent. And it is really tricky, so the weather is just fine.

And as we got to weather, I really hate winter. I am not a winter person. I hate the long nights and the really short days. I hate cloudy skies. I hate waking up to the state of over cast, which is really rare in Cairo but it happens. If I was to decide, I would have stayed all winter in bed covered with a heavy blanket and be the 1st hibernating human.

Regardless how much I love the sunny winter days, rain, boots, and lentil soup I still hate winter and I deeply pray it ends NOW!

I want winter to end because I know that my current mood is directly related to it. I can’t say that I am feeling lonely; I just feel that I have lost too many competitions. Remember as I said before I am a competitive person yet I don’t just compete with everyone on everything. I wisely choose the competitions but recently I have noticed that I am losing my least favored form of competition, comparisons.

Comparison is just a competition that has no defined rules. The one who compares is the one who sets the rules, and you don’t get to decide if you are up to it or not. You may or may not be chosen to be compared. Sometimes you are the benchmark for the comparison, which is a success! And sometimes you are overridden because that person thinks you are way out of the league. You don’t get to decide either ways; you don’t even know that you have been in a competition till it is over. Sometimes you don’t get to know this fact until too late and in most of the times you can’t make it up. When you lose a comparison someone else was chosen for being better than you. You can beat someone who is good or even perfect but you can’t beat the “better” because you are simply “lesser” in a way.

The thing with comparison is that it is all about what people think. I am the type of person who doesn’t really care about people but let’s get real. People matter, at least some of them do. Because the way they view us is part of who we are. That’s why comparisons are my least favored form of competition, because I don’t get to only hate my competitors but also myself because sometimes I can’t beat the “lesser” in me.