December 22, 2009

The Nothings in my Mind

I have a problem, I am a very sensitive person but I am a bit discreet about this fact. I get affected easily. Words get through me. I take criticism seriously even if it was just a joke. Let me re-phrase this, I am paranoid. I’d consider many things criticism and I don’t like to be criticized. At least not from people I consider strangers, or people who put me in an unplanned competition. One more thing about me, I am a competitive person. I love competition but I never loved my competitors till I am sure I have beaten them. And then my love to them isn’t really love it is just another form of pity.

So, to cut that long story short, I have issues, confidence issues. So, when someone says that I am shallow because I couldn’t be inspired by something he thought inspirational this would have a bad effect on me that could last for years. And when someone who doesn’t really know me casually says that I use big words and impose too much philosophy on things, this too will pull me down.

And regardless how I would really love to elaborate on this very incident, when I was mocked for using “big words”, that made me feel more “lesser” but I won’t. Partially because dignifying this with elaboration would make me feel more “lesser”!

My point is I am a really sensitive person, I get hurt easily and only people who lived close to me would know this. Others would always think that it is ok to hurt me because I am strong enough to take it.

So, my “HH” thinks I am in love. He said that I have changed, and that I am not the “Shimaa” he knows. He said I am still the same in many things but something has changed in me. Other than that shine that I have lost. He got used to me without the shine. It is something more. And he thinks that I might be in love and unaware of it. He knows me good enough to know that my heart can’t beat without having a picture of someone in it. He knows me enough and it is relieving sometimes. I mean it is annoying most of the times because this knowledge made him find a way to trick me many times. But it is relieving to talk with someone who just knows how to bring up conversation. He even said that he was talking with one of my ex crushes and that my ex crush asked about me. Honestly I don’t believe it happened but HH was nice enough to swear it did and that even my ex crush said that he liked me a lot and that he thinks I am really smart.
Another good thing about HH is that he usually would call me smart, pretty and sexy in the same sentence.

Anyway, it was really nice of him mentioning that my ex crush liked me because seriously I liked that guy a lot.

Speaking of conversations, I have been having troubles keeping conversations going. I use the weather talk a lot these days and with everyone. I keep talking and talking about the weather. It is interesting sometimes and it is a nice ice breaker but seriously I have better things to say. But I just keep sticking to the weather. As if I want to hide something. But really most of the time the reason behind the elongated weather talk is the fact that I don’t think whatever I have to say is interesting enough. And that sometimes all what I really need is a silent conversation, or to just listen. I don’t feel like saying things, I want to talk but stay silent. And it is really tricky, so the weather is just fine.

And as we got to weather, I really hate winter. I am not a winter person. I hate the long nights and the really short days. I hate cloudy skies. I hate waking up to the state of over cast, which is really rare in Cairo but it happens. If I was to decide, I would have stayed all winter in bed covered with a heavy blanket and be the 1st hibernating human.

Regardless how much I love the sunny winter days, rain, boots, and lentil soup I still hate winter and I deeply pray it ends NOW!

I want winter to end because I know that my current mood is directly related to it. I can’t say that I am feeling lonely; I just feel that I have lost too many competitions. Remember as I said before I am a competitive person yet I don’t just compete with everyone on everything. I wisely choose the competitions but recently I have noticed that I am losing my least favored form of competition, comparisons.

Comparison is just a competition that has no defined rules. The one who compares is the one who sets the rules, and you don’t get to decide if you are up to it or not. You may or may not be chosen to be compared. Sometimes you are the benchmark for the comparison, which is a success! And sometimes you are overridden because that person thinks you are way out of the league. You don’t get to decide either ways; you don’t even know that you have been in a competition till it is over. Sometimes you don’t get to know this fact until too late and in most of the times you can’t make it up. When you lose a comparison someone else was chosen for being better than you. You can beat someone who is good or even perfect but you can’t beat the “better” because you are simply “lesser” in a way.

The thing with comparison is that it is all about what people think. I am the type of person who doesn’t really care about people but let’s get real. People matter, at least some of them do. Because the way they view us is part of who we are. That’s why comparisons are my least favored form of competition, because I don’t get to only hate my competitors but also myself because sometimes I can’t beat the “lesser” in me.


Anonymous said...

Being too hard on yourself has only one perk: it changes you to be better in whatever way _you_ want.

This perk can be your impending doom if: you don't change at all, or if you change in whatever way _people_ want.

Comparisons, if taken the wrong way, will certainly do you bad. It's about how we perceive them.

And, Shimaa .. you know that! You know that there are no absolution, you know it's relative.

You know, for me, if you end up being compared to 10 people concerning 10 different traits, from a logical point of view, you're the winner, even if you lost the 10 points - bingo! because you're versatile!

And taking into account my philosophical perk above, you have 10 different plans to be a better person, according to who you want. Not according to them, they were just the push.

mm .. did I make sense?

Shimaa Gamal said...

You always make sense. And you are always too nice to be true. Really, you can't imagine how many times you boosted my mood by something you wrote or gave me hope with one of your ideas :)

And yes, they are always just a push.

Why didn't you write anything more about the call center?

Anonymous said...

Thanks for your words! :) :)

They cheered me up and boosted my mood big time! :)


fakkarteeny bel call center :(

their stay was just tentative, they moved to smart village khalas, we enna lellahy wa enna elayhe rage3on!

English, French, Spanish, Italian, Dutch - Europe kollaha kanet el na7ya el tanya! Bass khalas! :(

On a brighter thought, it's waaay quieter :d

Shimaa Gamal said...

Oh za3lteny :( I saw a couple of posts about pink tops, purple fingernails and foreign language conversations coming bas yala al hawl, da3 el 7elm el gameel :D

happy it is quiet again :)

Anonymous said...

Hello my dear,
Maybe Its the first time to write you a comment here but I'm always waiting impatiently to read your new articles!..I love the way you arrange words,the way you discuss your personal thoughts and the honesty with yourself !..You are so brave lady, indeed!..Its so rare in a society as ours to find a lady with all this honesty with herself!I'm really impressed!!

I just wanna know the way you learnt your English through?..If you've some advices for me to improve my English!!..I know very well-what ever I did in this issue- I will never be that talented as you or reach your high level in expressing feelings poetically!..but I've a true desire to learn and a great love to the English language :)..So, could you please tell me the secret behind this magically way in using words??? :)

..Thank you very much for taking a time to read this and a special thanks for being that beautiful pink rose in the desert of real!

Happy New year dear sister,May God bless you and may all your fair dreams come true in the new year..

Peace be upon You.

Shimaa Gamal said...

Hello Randa

You can't imagine how big the smile you drew on my face is. Thank you very much for your sweet words and you wishes. I hope you have a good year too and all your wishes will come true inshallah.

As for my English I am really flattered, it isn't really as good. I learnt English in school and it improved in college because I attended the faculty of commerce, English section. Any language improves with practice, just like anything in life I guess :)

So, just read, watch lots of movies and write. It will do the trick.

Happy New Year my dear may you have all the best.

Ahmad said...

Someone once said, what the people think of you is none of your business. And it is true, be yourself no matter what. Oh and grow thick skin, for only God's opinion matters in the end.

Shimaa Gamal said...

I seriously don't know how to grow thick skin. Because it really exhausting to be that sensitive :)

Ahmad said...

oh yeah it takes a life time haha