May 20, 2017


He keeps listing my blessings. He said that I shouldn't be that sad. I have no "obligations" in life except to the things I choose.
I have no father, no mother, no children and no husband. I have the freedom every one longs to.
He also mentioned how lucky I was in my choices. He reminded me how easy my life is compared to everyone I know.

He reminded me of things I know.

He reminded me that my life isn't missing a thing, not even him.

I am free, lucky and my life is easy.

I feel guilty when I pity myself over trivial things

May 19, 2017

Out of Character

Seven months ago I got strange phone call from someone I never comfortable around.
The phone call seemed "benign", it was full of the regular "I want the best for you" nonsense.
But I got one feeling that day. The phone call was to let me know something. A piece of info that would have pissed me off.
Actually I got pissed off, but for the 1st time in my whole life I didn't act upon it.
I totally ignored the leaked info.
Lots of things happened since then, most of it wasn't going to happen had I acted how I usually acted.

Right now I am not sure whether or not I have done the right thing. All I know is that I have acted out of character.
I have been acting out of character. And I don't know whether it is a good thing or a bad thing

May 15, 2017

Another ode to "H"

There is a good reason I love "H". I love how he is the only person who could help me snap out of a thought. He doesn't do it instantly, on the contrary. All what he ever does is offering me a different logic. He never pushes, he never even attempt convincing me. He just states what's obvious to him and let my obsessive compulsive thinking do the rest.
One of the things he casually mentioned was the fact that I have been stressing about being old in the time I am not. He said that given the average ages now I am expected to live more years than what I already lived.
Didn't I know such a fact? Off course I did.
I know that people live to their 80s these days, and with advances in medical care they will live not only longer but also with a good quality of life.
So, why so obssessed with age?
It wasn't until he stated the obvious when I started digging deeper on why I am having these tboughts and when did they start.
I discovered that it all started with the egyptian political turmoil in 2011. I started feeling unsafe, and everything led to another. I tried inventing new safety nets, those safety nets started failing and I started a loop of panic.

This panic ended just by a random line stating the obvious.

So .. to H ♥️♥️♥️

May 14, 2017

Unbearable lightness of being

I am not feeling ok. I feel stretched thin. I could list why I am feeling so. But I don't have the energy to do.
I don't want to tell anyone I know about how I feel, because I have no energy to handle the cliches or the indifference.

I am not feeling good. Life is too futile to live. There was times when I wished I could just sleep for few years then get back to living. These days I just want to go to sleep and never wake up again.

Why do we live?

Why are we here?

It is totally futile. 

May 02, 2017

It is ok

There is a point in life when you realize that certain things aren't going to happen regardless how hard you want it, how hard you work for it, and how hard you pray for it.

There is a point in life when you realize that certain things aren't meant to be.

There is a point in life when you realize that some things you want aren't going to happen and it is ok if they never happened.

Certain things aren't meant to be, and it is ok.