On Consistency and the Forbidden Fruit

I am a virgin. Somehow this very personal detail has become a hot topic of discussion in the last couple of years. I have been repeatedly put in situations where I had to explain that I am a virgin and, for the time being, I don’t think I will ever be having sex outside marriage.

It all started out with a date. It was sometime in September 2011 when a nice, younger guy asked me out for coffee. He was full of life; it had been years since I was last asked out on a date; I needed life and he offered loads of it. He was a breath of fresh air … of hope. Yet, the guy was direct; he was in for a fling: good company and sex.

Before him I was used to the fact that men will always want sex but they tended to play lovers to get to it. Before him, none of my men doubted the “virgin” part. The “virgin” part was taken for granted. They all wanted sex, yet sex had always been off the table because duh! “I am a virgin”.

This guy was the 1st one to offer a strictly sexual relationship, no emotions attached. And I had to decide whether I was in or out.

And that was when my virginity started to be the topic to discuss.

In this part of the world girls are expected to be virgins as long as they are not married. Yet it is the 21st century, different levels of intimacy had become discreetly accepted. It all depends on your social level. The more you are exposed to “western culture” the more likely the circles you play are open-minded regarding sex. I am saying more likely because exposure doesn’t really grant open-mindedness in our society.

Sex is a taboo in this part of the world. People have been trying to break this taboo yet they have been failing … royally!

Needless to say that relationship failed, it never got started in the 1st place. He wanted sex; I couldn’t give him sex so it faded to a “you are someone that I used to know” type of thing.

He was the 1st but he wasn’t the last to suggest a sexual non-emotional relationship. As that relationship faded I met another guy. Someone that I deeply liked and I dare to say that I deeply loved. That guy was clear too. Marriage for him was off the table, but sex was the most important item on it.

That guy didn’t offer a fling-ship. He didn’t even offer a relationship. He offered nothing and that was somehow everything (Yeah! I am that pathetically in love with him). In his own words, our relationship has different aspects and one of them is sex. According to him sex is a pleasure that should be given and received within the context of exchanging pleasure only, nothing more.

Again my virginity became an issue. Yet, and because I am desperately in love with that guy I started to entertain the idea of sex. The pressure of love and other things got me to the point of thinking why won’t I have sex with him. Why would I want us to be married? After all, and religious reasons aside, marriage is nothing but an exclusive long-term relationship or at least it is what is supposed to be or how I think it is supposed to be. So if I can have the “long-term” and “exclusive” parts, again religion aside, maybe sex will be ok.

I didn’t really voice my ideas to the guy; we moved past the sex aspect of the relationship and kept the other aspects. To be more specific he moved past the sex aspect, apparently he either lost interest or maybe lost hope that I might one day come around what he once described as my obsolete idea about sex.

His move left me with more questions that were even doubled by the appearance of someone who showers me with too much “I love you’s” yet definitely believes that love isn’t love unless it is “consummated”.

Different men, different age groups, different backgrounds, different experiences and different settings yet all had one thing in common. They all wanted sex with a virgin whom they couldn’t really get why she is hanging on to her virginity that much.

Such offers usually leave me both flattered and offended.

Different super interesting men believe I am sexually attractive, this is flattering! The fact that I can’t see why they would get that much interested in me, along the fact that none of them ever offered a “decent relationship” is deeply offending.

Stuck between feeling flattered and offended my moral system gets shaken too deep to the point of clearly showing an inconsistency. Apparently there is a huge gap between what I believe is right, what I say I think is right and the right I actually do.

Is sex wrong?

Yes, No … Maybe! I don’t know.

I really don’t know. I believe it shouldn’t be wrong. Sex is natural. Desire shouldn’t be a sin. But things don’t seem to work in such simple ways in the complicated world we live in.

In this part of the world, the 1^st challenge that faces the “righteousness” of sex is religion. Sex is a sin that will get you safe and sound to hellfire. If you are a “believer” guilt will be the dominant feeling associated with whatever “sex” you decide to have outside what religion said it should be.

The 2^nd challenge that faces the righteousness of sex is social customs.  Sex is a social sin that will get you safe and sound to the “doomed group”.

Well, it depends mainly on your gender in this part of the world. The rule is, men are accepted to do lots of the social sins. They are men. Our society is seemed to be tailored to “protect” the virtue of women. I am not sure why but probably because men have no virtue to protect after all!

Anyhow, regardless that the society is more flexible accepting men who commit social sins you will still be labeled if you engaged in any form of sexual relationship outside wedlock. And unlike the religious reasons where you can work out a way with your God, the society doesn’t really forgive. And most importantly they won’t easily forget.

In this part of the world, where the individuals are more open-minded than the societies they live in, double measures become the norm. Consistency is really rare. People are used to doing what they don’t believe in, they preach what they can’t/ won’t do and more importantly judge others for doing what they secretly do.  

Sex and religion are two major fronts where you can touch the double lives and double measures epidemic spreading among almost everyone you know.

Religion for instance is supposed to be a relationship between you and the God you chose to worship. The details of such relationship are supposed to be personal. But somehow, whether or not you are a believer in God is a basic concern of the society. Everyone would want you to worship a certain God in a certain way. If you chose not to, you will have to pay a certain social cost, a cost that will depend on how grave the society thinks your sin is.

So people end up pretending. They pretend to be religious. They pretend to be socially right. They do whatever makes them “socially acceptable” while maintaining the things the society can’t really stomach a secret.

People stretch the boundaries of their personal freedoms while not having to confront the society.

One of those stretches is what the infamous HH once termed as “Virgin Sex”.

According to HH, and later all the generous men who offered me sexual relationships, I can enjoy a sexual relationship without really losing my virginity. For them, and perhaps for the society, a girl is a virgin as long as she didn’t engage in a penetrative vaginal intercourse.

So, many men and women in this part of the world agreed to engage in all forms of sexual activities outside wedlock as long as there isn’t vaginal penetration.

They pretend that the sex they have isn’t really sex as long as they don’t get caught.

The interesting part is that all those actively engaging in stretching their own personal boundaries are actively engaging in limiting others personal decisions by being part of the tight society measures.

A man who is open to having “virgin sex” with the girl he loves isn’t as open to the idea if the person involved is his sister. The same man who would pressure the girl he likes to jump from base one to three will advise his best friend to cut off the man she likes for doing the same with her.

A man who says that virginity isn’t really a factor to judge a girl will make a pass at every non virgin he knows.

It is duality and inconsistency everywhere.

And because of all the duality and inconsistency I can’t have sex out of wedlock. Not because I believe it is wrong. On the contrary, I believe it is my right and it is everyone’s right to live their life the way they want. I believe that it is my right to fall in love and to have sex and not to worry about social consequences.

I am at a point of my life where I open to compromise lots of the things I thought can’t be compromised. I am turning 34 in few weeks, and although marriage was never a goal of my life yet loneliness wasn’t one of those goals either.

I am open to considering relationships that are not the “happily ever after” type.

And there is two ways to do this. Either I confront the society with my decision and bear with the consequences or play by the duality rules like many are doing.

I don’t have enough courage to live my life the way I think I should be living it. Yet, I have lots of self respect not to let myself fall in the dual life/ double measures trap.

So, until a further notice I am keeping my virginity.

Confessions – Is that much?

I have been trying to sugar coat my thoughts for a while. I have to admit that posting anything to this blog is turning to be a walk in a mine field. Whatever I write pisses someone off. I don’t like pissing the people I care about off, I am losing the skill of sugar coating and I don’t know how to walk in a mine field without having one exploding in my face.

Yet, this very thought needs to get out of my brain. I will take the chances and just do what I used to do. Spill it out and pretend it is to the void. Maybe, this time no mines will explode.

So, and without any further wasting of your precious time, I think by now most of you know that I have love problems.

Somehow, I was never lucky in love. As if I intentionally pick the wrong men. Because I am sure there are right men out there (Though right now my mind keeps telling me that they are all the same)

I used the term unlucky to try to spare you the long talk about how much of a loser I am, because as you know, I like to take all the blame. I don’t believe in luck. People make their own lucks. So when you are unlucky it simply means you are doing things wrong.

To cut a long story short, my men’s problem seemed to be marriage. All of them believed that I wanted to marry them. And the thought of marrying me was too scary.

They enjoyed the entertainment phase. I can be entertaining. But whenever the idea of a long-term/ serious relation appeared they simply disappeared.

Well, trying to walk a mile in their shoes. Maybe they had every right to be scared. I am scary! I am too much to be handled. I am emotionally messed up. Experts write articles to advise people to not to marry people like me.

Because, apparently, people like me are emotionally unhealthy. People like me will end up bringing all their issues into the relationship. And no sane person would like to marry into that!

But I won’t blame the wise people warning the human kind of emotionally crippled people. Because, you know, they have a point.

You can’t blame luck for your failures as much as you can’t blame wise people for stating the obvious.

But before I lose point and before you jump to the conclusion that I am just another girl who can’t find a husband.

This isn’t about how or why my men ran away from me because they assumed I wanted to marry them (which was true in most of the cases). It is more about the shape of the relationship I am currently looking for.

A friend once asked me couple of years ago what exactly do I need in a relationship. I said all what I need is safe company. I want a man who would spend part of his day communicating with me. Texting is fine, emails are ok, if he thought of calling this will be very good. A call every other week would be appreciated too.  Every now and then I would love to be dined and wined and an annual escape to enjoy total exclusivity.

There is also a level on intimacy that I would like to have fulfilled.

Safe company is all what I am asking for. And by safe I mean I want a guarantee that he will be there the next morning and that I don’t have to worry about other women or other things taking my place.

Just a level of commitment that tells me I am not just an entertainment. Is that much?

I didn’t ask for marriage. All what I asked for is, a daily communication of whatever sort, an occasional outing to enjoy the company and if possible a once a year one week vacation.

Nothing more …

Is that too much?

To Warm Things Up

I have been trying to write something but I found out that it would be better if I warmed things up first with some quotes I liked
Enjoy


• [A] husband who can cook is not at all the same thing as a husband who can shop, prepare, and assemble ingredients, and clean up the mess after the great burst of creativity." Mary-Jo Fitzgerald, Marriage and the male animal

• Now non-Indian people think they know all about arranged marriages. 'So I hear that when you're born, the first thing your parents do is chose a nice girl for you to marry when you're old enough.' 'No, No! It doesn't work like that. Arranged marriages are more like going to a car show. Your dad lets you look at, and compare all the cars. 'Oh that one is nice. You would like that one, you like it? Ya, you are going to get that one.' - 'Don't I get to test drive it?' - 'No, not now, wait until you are married, then you can test drive it all you want. Russell Peters

• There's nothing a woman hates more than her fiancé’s best friend. He knows all the secrets she's going to spend the rest of her life trying to find out. Jeff Douglas line in the musical Brigadoon

• He's a wonderful first husband. ~ James Goldsmith, on his daughter Jemima's marriage to Imran Khan

• I first learned the concepts of non-violence in my marriage. ~ Mohandas Gandhi

• Marriage is really tough because you have to deal with feelings...and lawyers. ~ Richard Pryor

• Nearly all marriages, even happy ones, are mistakes: in the sense that almost certainly (in a more perfect world, or even with a little more care in this very imperfect one) both partners might be found more suitable mates. But the real soul-mate is the one you are actually married to. ~ J. R. R. Tolkien, Letter to Michael Tolkien, March, 1941

• On rare occasions one does hear of a miraculous case of a married couple falling in love after marriage, but on close examination it will be found that it is a mere adjustment to the inevitable. ~ Emma Goldman

• The concept of marriage must have been thought up by an unimaginative pig. ~ Albert Einstein
• There's only one way to have a happy marriage and as soon as I learn what it is I'll get married again. ~ Clint Eastwood

• Thus Dante's motto over Inferno applies with equal force to marriage: Ye who enter here leave all hope behind. ~ Emma Goldman

• You only know what happiness is once you're married. But then it's too late. ~ Peter Sellers

• Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. - Oscar Wilde

• The one charm about marriage is that it makes a life of deception absolutely necessary for both parties. - Oscar Wilde

• No one can consider themselves truly married until they understand every word their spouse is not saying. - Lord Mancroft

• A man is incomplete until he marries - then he is finished. - Unknown

• You don't marry someone you can live with, you marry the person who you cannot live without. – Unknown

• Never marry someone whom you wouldn't want to be divorced from. – Unknown

• Marriage is like falling into a black hole, you only want to do it with someone that you can take a long ride with. - Unknown

Quote Of The Day

If you are afraid of loneliness, don’t marry!! – Chekhov

Virginty vs. Honor

While discussing marriage, honor as perceived by the Egyptian community was posed into the discussion. These were my initial thoughts with regard to the topic.
For the whole discussion click here



Mona asked about el sharaf, and the first thing that crossed my mind was the famous phrase “sharaf el bent zay 3ood el kabreet, maywla3sh 3'ier mara wa7da bas”.
Actually this phrase was used in the mid 20th century, now in the dawn of the 21st century, sharaf el bent, in the way intended in the original phrase, is like el wala3a .. beywala3 we yewala3 .. to infinity ..

The community’s definition for virginity is, to keep the girl’s hymen intact till her wedding night, in the mid 20th century when the famous match stick metaphor was used, this very same community had a disrespectful way to prove that this thing is still intact, a midwife, will have the honor of de-flowering the bride, in front of her female relatives, and probably the groom, after she does, she will wave the piece of cloth she used to the male relatives, so they can celebrate the proof of sharaf bentohom.

I know that you are all over 18 yrs old, which is adult enough to explain to you this disrespectful process of proving that a girl is shareefa in the Egyptian dictionary.

So, if this white cloth for any reason didn’t get out red, it will turn red anyway, but this time by the bride’s father’s hands. He will deliberately kill his own daughter, because if the cloth is still white this will only mean that this girl isn’t shareefa in the Egyptian dictionary.

By the end of the very same 20th century and with the rise of mama Karima Mokhtar, and the whole birth control campaign to control the Egyptian baby boom. They started introducing new concepts about hymen to the Egyptian public, the scene of a gynecologist smiling to the cameras, explaining that there is always a probability for the hymen not to be broken in the wedding night, and this will never affect the virginity of the girl and consequently not all the white cloth means that the girl mesh shareefa ..

By the millennium, Egypt had to get into the new era, the internet became everywhere, satellite channels are mandatory in every home, and boys and girls are no longer enjoying the white cloth extravaganza. Boys and girls discovered that they can both enjoy each other, without touching the hymen.
For instance, oral sex; a man will always enjoy a blow, and he won’t be harming his sweet heart holly hymen.
Other kinds, of pleasure that will satisfy the man, and mostly the woman without having to engage in the forbidden zone, and even if it happened, we have almighty doctors who will simply do a procedure to get the girl back as good as new, so when she next time sleep with sab3 el bromba, who will be looking for a virgin, she will pretend virginity, and her holly hymen will be intact.

So, as the definition of 3ood el kabreet can’t fit into today’s world, I have another logic to see virginity, and my way to see virginity goes both ways, for males and females.
I have to mention first that in the modern world, where they teach sex at school and equip young girls with condoms instead of morals. They define a virgin as the person who never engaged in penetrative sex which means that those who engage in any other form of sex are virgins regardless the act.
So, the virgin in my point of view is the person who never been introduced to the sex world. Virginity isn’t related to the body, it is related to the soul. So the virgin is the person who never craved sex, never sake sex, who never gazed on an eye with that crave, who never had the long handshakes to feel the warmth of the other, who never had those casual touches. We are born virgins, but we lose our virginity to time.

I want to state one point clear, I believe that each and everyone has the right to do what he wants to do, having sex without marriage isn’t something that dishonor a person, how and why he is having this sex is what really matters, Keeping the religion values aside, and traditions neutral.

So, it is a huge mistake to refer to virginity as honor, or to refer to virginity as a girl thing, and those who say but the girl has a seal that proves whether she is a virgin or not, can’t be any more wrong, a virgin man will act virgin, and a virgin girl will act virgin regardless the holly seal.

P.S.
I can't write, I can't think ...

The knight in shining armor

N.B i am quoting from the famous, men are from mars, women are from venus, by john gray ..

Deep inside every man there is a hero or a knight in shining armor. More than anything, he wants to succeed in serving and protecting the woman he loves. When he feels trusted, he is able to tap into this noble part of himself. He becomes more caring. When he doesn't feel trusted he loses some of his aliveness and energy, and after a while he can stop caring.Imagine a knight in shining armor traveling through the countryside. Suddenly he hears a woman crying out in distress. In an instant he comes alive. Urging his horse to a gallop, he races to her castle, where she is trapped by a dragon.The noble knight pulls out his sword and slays the dragon. As a result, he is lovingly received by the princess.As the gates open he is welcomed and celebrated by the family of the princess and the townspeople. He is invited to live in the town and us acknowledged as a hero. He and the princess fall in love.A month later the noble knight goes off on another trip. On his way back, he hears his beloved princess crying out for help. Another dragon has attacked the castle. When the knight arrives he pulls out his sword to slay the dragon.Before he swings, the princess cries out from the tower, "don't use your sword, use this noose. It will work better."She throws him the noose and motions to him instructions about how to use it. He hesitantly follows her instructions. He wraps it around the dragon's neck and then pulls hard. The dragon dies and everyone rejoices.At the celebration dinner the knight feels he didn't really do anything. Somehow, because he used her noose and didn't use his sword, he doesn't quite feel worthy of the town's trust and admiration. After the event he is slightly depressed and forgets to shine his armor.A month later, he goes on yet another trip. As he leaves with his sword, the princess reminds him to be careful and tells him to take the noose. On his way home, he sees yet another dragon attacking the castle. This time he rushes forward with his sword but hesitates, thinking maybe he should use the noose. In that moment of hesitation, the dragon breathes fire and burns his right arm. In confusion he looks up and sees his princess waving from the castle window."use the poison," she yells. "the noose doesn't work."She throws him the poison, which he pours into the dragon's mouth, and the dragon dies. Everyone rejoices and celebrates, but the knight feels ashamed.A month later, he goes on another trip. As he leaves with his sword, the princess reminds him to be careful, and to bring the noose and the poison. He is annoyed by her suggestions but brings them just in case.This time on his journey he hears another woman in distress. As he rushes to her call, his depression is lifted and he feels confident and alive. But as he draws his sword to slay the dragon, he again hesitates. He wonders, should I use my sword, the noose or the poison? What would the princess say?For a moment he is confused. But then he remembers how he had felt before he knew the princess, back in the days when he only carried a sword. With a burst of renewed confidence he throws off the noose and poison and charges the dragon with his trusted sword. He slays the dragon and the townspeople rejoice.The knight in shining armor never returned to his princess. He stayed in this new village and lived happily ever after. He eventually married, but only after making sure his new partner knew nothing about nooses and poisons.Remembering that within every man is a knight in shining armor is a powerful metaphor to help u remember a man's primary needs. Although a man may appreciate caring and assistance sometimes, too much of it will lessen his confidence or turn him off.

AhlyCorner.com

I have a talented friend, who kept moving in circles to find himself. He couldn't stay more than one day after our final exams. He started his adveture by travelling to uncle sam's dream land.
after spending good time, and meeting the girl of his dreams, who is french by the way, he got married and soon after that he got back in transit to Cairo, and from Cairo to the land of cheese, wine, and beautiful girls. He went to France, and he started finding himself.
My friend is crazy about Al Ahly club, me too actually, but he is a dedicated fan. somehow, and for a reason he created ahlycorner.com. he invited me to join the forum, and he asked me to write these things i send him for review in the forum instead of sending them to him.
so, i did. i first started posting my old writings, which didn't get much attention from the members, they read, few commented, but i didn't feel that any was excited about it.
one night, i decided to open a new discussion, about marraige. i opted for a better understanding of what the thing is all about. i wanted to listen how married people see marriage, and how single people dream of it.
i wanted to prove my different theories about relationships. i wanted to put the boring writings into action.
the topic attracted many members, singles were the most talkative, males were the most contributing.
most of my theories proved right in discussion, though everyone will oppose it when i 1st pose it, then someone will try to prove i am wrong by telling a story, and the moral of the story is that i am right, and the theory is proved. Q.E.D.

most of the time we found the community guilty as charged. it is the community and traditions that makes our relations fail. i am not a fan of that theory, as my own theory is that we control our lives. but still the heritage of traditions have contributed to many of the problems we have in our community.

we discussed reasons people get married for, marraige as institution, trust, obeyment, sharing, sex, love, honor, virginty and the talks are still going on ..

i think that the opinions shared there is of real importance, it represents the ideology of the future fathers and mothers of egypt.

i never thought that a forum will be a satisfying experience .. thanks to my talented friend, who wanted to get rid of reading my writings, so he made me write them to everyone else :)

everyone is welcomed to share opinions: http://ahlycorner.com/AhlyCorner-Fans-Dicussions-c4/Diaries-and-Thoughts-f8/Marriage-t801.htm

but by all means, watch out, it is an Ahly territory :)

Cheat Chat

I have spread my dreams under your feet;Tread softly because you tread on my dreams!!
- William Butler Yeats, From "He wishes for the cloths of heaven"


In love as in war, loyalty is a question that some of us fail. In love as in war, some of us cheat. In love as in war, cheating is a betrayal. In love as in war, people cheat for a reason, but in war people cheat for money as war betrayals are highly valued, while in love people cheat for thousand different reasons that includes habit on the top of them.
Why do men cheat? The answer is simple; most of them do to prove that the quasi-God still can have more dedicated worshipers in addition to the one he already gained.
Some men cheat out of habit, they were born to be cheaters, they cheat for cheating itself, just for the thrill of having a double life while some men cheat out of a logical reason. They claim that they are not happy in the relations they have so they sake stability and happiness in the hidden affairs.
Some men cheat out of a philosophical call. They think that they, by cheating, are seeking the perfection they lack in their relationships. Some seek the perfect sex, perfect romance, perfect woman, or even a perfect relation. They cheat out of being perfectionists; regardless that cheating is a flaw of the perfection they seek.
If men cheat out of nature, then women cheat out of defense. Women by nature are not cheating creatures, they as worshipers of the quasi-Gods are loyal to their faith. Cheating on her man is as changing her religion. But even though some women cheat, for reasons that may be similar to those men have, some women cheat to compensate an unhappy relation, some women cheat to compensate neglect, but all of them cheat out of revenge. A woman cheats to make her man drink from the same glass she is sipping. Cheating for women is the last possible weapon to be used against a man, a weapon that she knows quiet well will be killing her before killing him.
Every reason in this world is debatable. Regardless the reasons for cheating on a partner, these reasons are never enough, those who seek happiness in an affair ignore the fact that they will be hurting more than one person in process, they will be hurting their partner, they will be hurting the person whom they are having the affair with, they will be hurting people who are directly and indirectly involved with them. The only winner in the affair game is the person himself who is cheating. He/she will have the whole fun, with minimum loss while people around him will suffer. This person is hiding real motives behind logical sense, if someone is being cheating for finding true love, so why in first place getting involved with a fake love, if a person is seeking happiness in an affair so why in first place getting involved with misery, if a person is seeking perfection why he got involved with defects. Again, every reason is debatable, so there will never be enough convincing reason for betraying someone's trust. There will never be a convincing reason to sustain a relation that is technically no longer exists. There will never be a convincing reason, to escape reality and search for self satisfaction while hurting others.
Always the betrayal will be a betrayal regardless how noble the motive is.