January 11, 2012

Confessions – Is that much?

I have been trying to sugar coat my thoughts for a while. I have to admit that posting anything to this blog is turning to be a walk in a mine field. Whatever I write pisses someone off. I don’t like pissing the people I care about off, I am losing the skill of sugar coating and I don’t know how to walk in a mine field without having one exploding in my face.
Yet, this very thought needs to get out of my brain. I will take the chances and just do what I used to do. Spill it out and pretend it is to the void. Maybe, this time no mines will explode.

So, and without any further wasting of your precious time, I think by now most of you know that I have love problems.

Somehow, I was never lucky in love. As if I intentionally pick the wrong men. Because I am sure there are right men out there (Though right now my mind keeps telling me that they are all the same)

I used the term unlucky to try to spare you the long talk about how much of a loser I am, because as you know, I like to take all the blame. I don’t believe in luck. People make their own lucks. So when you are unlucky it simply means you are doing things wrong.

To cut a long story short, my men’s problem seemed to be marriage. All of them believed that I wanted to marry them. And the thought of marrying me was too scary.
They enjoyed the entertainment phase. I can be entertaining. But whenever the idea of a long-term/ serious relation appeared they simply disappeared.

Well, trying to walk a mile in their shoes. Maybe they had every right to be scared. I am scary! I am too much to be handled. I am emotionally messed up. Experts write articles to advise people to not to marry people like me.

Because, apparently, people like me are emotionally unhealthy. People like me will end up bringing all their issues into the relationship. And no sane person would like to marry into that!

But I won’t blame the wise people warning the human kind of emotionally crippled people. Because, you know, they have a point.

You can’t blame luck for your failures as much as you can’t blame wise people for stating the obvious.

But before I lose point and before you jump to the conclusion that I am just another girl who can’t find a husband.
This isn’t about how or why my men ran away from me because they assumed I wanted to marry them (which was true in most of the cases). It is more about the shape of the relationship I am currently looking for.

A friend once asked me couple of years ago what exactly do I need in a relationship. I said all what I need is safe company. I want a man who would spend part of his day communicating with me. Texting is fine, emails are ok, if he thought of calling this will be very good. A call every other week would be appreciated too.  Every now and then I would love to be dined and wined and an annual escape to enjoy total exclusivity.
There is also a level on intimacy that I would like to have fulfilled.

Safe company is all what I am asking for. And by safe I mean I want a guarantee that he will be there the next morning and that I don’t have to worry about other women or other things taking my place.

Just a level of commitment that tells me I am not just an entertainment. Is that much?

I didn’t ask for marriage. All what I asked for is, a daily communication of whatever sort, an occasional outing to enjoy the company and if possible a once a year one week vacation.

Nothing more …

Is that too much?


Ahmad said...

No it's not, actually it's the least you can want from your partner, but maybe it's not about what you want as much as it is about how you put it out?

deppy said...

"Picking the right man" are the keywords. We tend to pick the hard to get, we love the challenge and we call it "above average" cause normal is "always boring", right?

We all are crippled one way or another, we all got our share of fears and insecurities. We let some people in, they end up making it worse no matter how their intentions might be, no matter how great and wise they seem, and that's how they're messed up themselves.

Picking the right man for me is not right as in being the one, or ending up in a committed relationship with them. My priority now is to have someone who would help me get over my issues.

And that's exactly your point.

So, about time to start group therapy with free hugs wala lessa? :P

Shimaa Gamal said...

Hello Ahmad

well, I don't know how should I put it. But no one ever asked.
I really don't know where exactly do I go wrong :)

Marwa :)

Yes, right about time. Free hugs & group therapy are much needed now

& we should plot plans to conquer the world while we can :D

L.G. said...

طبعا بالعربي يا مرسي عشان الاخطاء الاملائية في الانجليزي حتبقى بالهبل :)
أنا شايفة التعليقين السابقين مهمين جدا جدا
أستاذ أحمد قال ازاي بتعبري .. فعلا ممكن تكون طريقتك لا يفهمها الرجل ولا يصل اليه المعنى المقصود من كلامك
وفعلا يمكن انت اساسا بتختاري راجل غلط مش ليكي مش بتاعك من الأساس حتى لو حترضي بمجرد تليفون او لقاء عبر السنين قد لا يكفيه هو ذلك في العلاقة بينكما
الزواج له اعتبارات أخري غير الصحبة اللذيذة الزواج مسئولية مش حب وبس
ولو انت اساسا مش بتطلبي الزواج ؟؟!! أمال عايزة ايه ؟ حب وبس هذا لا يتسق مع عقل الرجل ولا مع طبيعة الأمور ولا مع الدين ولا المجتمع حتى ولا يكمل حياتك ثمرة الحب الارتباط الفعلي يوميا مش يوم ويوم
الكلام يعني لمس حالة خاصة مرة سمعت من شخص انه يفضل شخصية مثلنا كأخت كصديقة زميلة بالعمل لكن زوجة لأ عشان متوجعش دماغه
على راي مارلين مونرو الرجال يفضلونها غبية :)
في رايي الراجل اللي يقدرك صح ويحبك صح سيطلب الارتباط الرسمي منك ولن يتوقف حتى توافقي عليه المجتمعات الغربية برغم تحررها مازالت تقدر منظومة الزواج
الزواج هو الحل :))))))))
وانا برضه غير اننا بنقى اشخاص غلط من الاول عشان بنعشق المستحيل زي ما صاحبة التعليق الثاني تفضلت وكلامها صحيح جدا
بس برضه حتى الحب نصيب احنا مش بنختار نحب مين ولا نبعد عن مين ولا نصيبنا في النهاية حيكون ايه

Anonymous said...

You don't want marriage? why not?

Shimaa Gamal said...

منورانى دائمًا
و سعيدة بتعليقك
و إنت عندك حق ، إن الكثير من الرجال لا يفضلون أمثالنا إتقاءًا لوجع الدماغ :) و لهذا تحديدًا نزلت بسقف المطالب ، يمكن نعجب ، بس مش نافع

منورانى دائمًا

Shimaa Gamal said...

Dear Ibraheem

It isn't that I don't want marriage. It is that marriage seems to be too much to ask.
So I just lowered the bar, as much as i can do with less, why insist on an unpopular demand?

Ahmad S said...

Deppy, finding someone who would help you get over your issues as a priority is never the right reason, and it never works, ever.

deppy said...

@ Ahmad,

Thanks for the advice. And not to steal Shimaa's thunder, but it works for me :)

Anonymous said...


I can see how relationships that didn't work before can disappoint you; but I can't see how would that make you 'lower' the bar instead of keeping looking for the right someone (or at least take a rest before accepting someone again). If any, I believe that affects your chances of finding them in a really negative way.

'Adventure' as you put it, isn't in our culture. Marriage is.

P.S. I'm sorry for my late reply.

L.G. said...

'Adventure' as you put it, isn't in our culture. Marriage is.
I go with this comment .. all night long :))))

Shimaa Gamal said...

Ibrahaeem & LG

everything in life could be explained by using the economic theory. Everything is a function of supply & demand in a way.

I lowered the bar because when you can't find the thing you are looking for or you can't offer whatever the market is demanding, there should always be a shift in the curve.

I didn't took marriage off the things I want. I want a serious relationship. But this sounds like a turn off. The idea of marrying me till now for every person I have met is too off. So, I can settle for less. Which isn't an adventure. I don't need a fling. I am not asking for a temporary fix.

I can settle for less. And I was wondering if the less I am ready to settle for is too much. Because apparently this too isn't something that anyone is willing to give.

The best the market is offering is just an adventure. A temporary fix.

I don't know how it got to you that all what I am asking for is an adventure. I said that all what I am asking for is a proof that whatever the form the relation is, it is not an adventure.

L.G. said...

عزيزتي : شيماء
لم أقصد أنك تسعين للمغامرة ولا ترغبين في الزواج لأني أفهمك وأعرف ما تمرين به وتمر به كثير من الفتيات ولكن ولو تكلمت من الناحية الاقتصادية والفكر التجاري هل يغني شئ أقل عن شئ أهم لا أعتقد
في مصر إما الزواج أو لا ليس هناك بدائل أخرى خاصة من وجهة النظر الاسلامية
إن لم نجد الزواج أو معرفة تصل بنا للزواج فليس هناك تنازلات أنت أفضل من ذلك بكثير فمن لا يعرف قيمتك لا يستحق حتى منك أن تصنفيه كصديق أو مجرد معرفة هذا ما أقصده لأنك من الممكن أن تضعي شخص في غير موقعه وانت تعلمين أنك لن تتزوجيه وكل ما ستجنيه على نفسك مزيد من الضيق والاحباط فلم ؟ انجحي في عملك وفي محيط أصدقاءك حتى يظهر لك الشئ الذي يستحق أن يكون معك بقية العمر وفقط
تحياتي ودعواتي لك بحياة ملؤها الحب والسعادة

Ahmad S said...

i tried to hold my reaction to the comments i saw above but i just gotta let it out...
i mean no disrespect to you or to anybody who commented in here, but looking at those comments while considering whats going on right now in our country is really funny!