September 21, 2013

Status Report

I feel exhausted.

I feel trapped.

I am always feeling the same way.

I feel I am too old for this. I am going on 35, I must be feeling different, I should be having different worries.

I need to get past my feelings, my nagging needs and my hopes & dreams.

I need to kill that little girl hungry for life. 

I need to understand that there are things that are not going to happen.

I feel exhausted .. 

I also realized that not only that I was never the "sweep them of their feet" type but also I was never the "grow on them by time" type.

They all left ... They will all leave.

I am never missed .. 

I am trapped in my feelings ... I am cornered in my needs.

I am so exhausted.

September 17, 2013


I got my heart broken. Again!

I know it has become the norm. Some of you must be wondering why I keep doing this to myself.
Honestly, every time I fall in love I decide it will be the last time. The first time I fell in love I thought it will be the 1st and the last but things didn't work out as I expected. So I did it again with the “this man will be my last man” in mind. I kept repeating for God knows how many times till I got to that man.

He is 7 yrs older. Mature, or so he appears to be. He is much more experienced than me. He is smart, handsome, plays different social and mental leagues. He is interesting on every aspect. It was natural for me to like him.

“Like” might be an understatement. I deeply liked him. I liked how he thinks, how he writes, how he speaks, his voice, his smile, how he treats people and how he can win the hearts of almost everyone.
I liked the chemistry I felt between us, how similar his priorities and mine are, and I liked the daemons and spirits he magically awakened in me.

Falling in love with him was the next logical step.
I didn't want to fall for him. But it happened!
“He is going to be the last one” I said to myself. Again!

I didn't have enough experience to stir the relationship and I was scared I might scare him away.
He took control of the relationship and day after day I started realizing how deep the compromises I would need to do if that relationship was ever meant to survive.

I am 34 yrs, yet I never had a “serious” relationship. At my age, my 1st wish for every New Year is still a “stable relationship”. I never got past the “fear of rejection” phase. I want to know how it feels to be “accepted”.

I never got a man’s love for granted. I never got to the phase where couples comfortably fight. All my relationships ended at the very 1st sign of “conflict of interests”.

I was hungry for stability, while he wanted to keep whatever we had “short and shallow”. What we had wasn't really shallow. It was full of details, inside jokes, secrets that no one would know except the two of us. Yet, I think he didn't want this to mean anything.

He was escaping “stability”; he is divorced with a kid. He already has a “stable” commitment in his life (to his daughter). Already tried, “stable” commitment and didn't really work out (to his ex wife).
Stability wasn't his dish, while it was all what I craved.

Then came another thing. I am a virgin. Sex was an issue. He wanted sex and I couldn't give him sex on “short and shallow” basis. For him sex is just another natural step, it wasn't a big deal. But it was a big deal for me. He was understanding. He didn't push anything yet he couldn't understand my hunger for the things lesser than sex. He found no point in them as long as I am not going to do “anything”. In his own words, this isn't sex. But it was satisfying for me in many ways that he couldn't get.
I was hungry for different levels of intimacy, while he constantly felt he was too old for this.

Sex was something we both wanted but on different terms.

The different terms might sum up the whole struggle. I wanted things that girls in their teens would want. It is totally expected that I would want them. I didn't do any of these things before. I was waiting for the right man. I was waiting for him to come along. But he wasn't waiting for me. He had a full life before me.
He tried all the details I have been craving to the point of boredom. His life after me wasn't really accommodating of those needs all the time.

I want to fall in love, to be swept off my feet often, to be able to dream, to have the sweet talks, the kisses, planning a life together, naming unborn kids, to be comfortable discussing awkward topics and to have sex while knowing it is a huge step with lots of meanings … I am hungry for details that people my age have out grown long time ago.

I am 34 yrs old and single, eligible men are all like that guy. They already lived and their lives ahead aren't so accommodating for a grey haired virgin who is longing to live her teen-aging years.

Compromising my hunger is a must for any of these guys to even consider a relationship with me.

My hunger is more of a liability. It is, I believe, a huge turn off.

A late 30s, early 40s guy wouldn't want to do the things he has done in his 20s.
I spent my 20s waiting.

An early 40s guy doesn't really care whether or not I am a virgin. He doesn't care how many men broke me before I met him. He knows that shit happens and life goes on.
He would listen to the stories but he isn't here to mend anything. Mending is something younger people try because they still didn't experience life and still couldn't get the fact that some things can’t be mended and among them are life scars.

What an early 40s guy worry about is whether or not I am in for a relationship on the terms he set. What worries an early 40s guy is that there is a teen hiding inside what seems to be a grown up woman.
A teen who would complicate everything because she is so hungry for a life that she should have out grown by now.

But that teen is there because that teen has been trying to do the right thing. That teen believed all the things she was raised to believe.

That teen waited to have things the right way, and now as she watches grey hair and wrinkles spreading everywhere, the right way doesn't seem to be so right after all.

The point is, I am hungry and he was full.
He is every man and I am every “teen” woman.

 … and my heart is broken again. 

September 15, 2013

Note to Self

Things that I learned in 34 years. I seem to keep forgetting my lessons, so here are my notes to self.

Feel free to share your rules :)

This will be updated frequently!

Rule No.1 .. if you are in a relationship, or you think you r in one, and you are constantly looking for "emotional recharging" then .. you are doing it wrong!

Rule No.2 .. No one wants to know how you feel. Keep it to yourself!

Rule No.3 .. You can't escape your destiny even if you don't believe in destiny!

Rule No. 4 .. suicide is tempting but it is always a BAD idea!

Rule No. 5 .. There is no shame in crying, just don't let anyone, ANYONE, watch.

Rule No. 6 .. Don't ask for help, unless it is hired!

Rule No. 7 .. You can delay doing the things you hate, but the will hunt you and bite you in the ASS!

Rule No. 8 .. You will always love the wrong person!

Rule No. 9 .. You are as average as the person next to you!

Rule No. 10 .. It is ok to feel down, don't let anyone trick you into feeling guilty for feeling down.

Rule No. 11 .. Sometimes you are not going to be ok. Live with it.

Rule No. 12 .. You will have to dump the things you love to do the things you hate. It is called duty .. Live with it!

Rule No. 13 .. All the good things in life are temporary.

Rule No. 14 .. You mere existence pisses someone off, be kind!

Rule No. 15 .. Food won't fix your broken heart.

Rule No. 16 .. You are a Muslim (a believer), you live in the middle east, sexual deprivation is part of the package.

Rule No. 17 .. God is good, if you can't see it, your mistake not HIS!

Rule No. 18 .. Confrontation is better than delayed rage. Grow a pair!

Rule No. 19 .. Sex doesn't complicate relationships, not knowing what you want does!

Rule No. 20 .. No one will take you the way you are, even your family will try to "correct" you.

Rule No. 21 .. Men are bastards, women are bitches .. Your bastard/ bitch is somebody else's hero. Relativity rules!

Rule No. 22 .. People will try to break your spirits for different reasons. Random strangers and dearly loved ones, try not to fall for it.

Rule No. 23 .. You need to genuinely let go of the things you want in order to have them. Hence, it is always too late. Accommodate!

Rule No. 24 .. Go the extra mile!


Rule No. 26 .. Those who ask you to fully live your life have troubles living their own.

September 14, 2013

Every Man's Nightmare!

If my mom would have ever had last words to tell me, they would have been “Shimaa stop being arrogant”.  She had always warned me of my arrogance.
But I wasn’t that arrogant to ignore the warnings. I have always tried not to be arrogant. I hide lots of my “confidence” and lots of my “views of things”. I try my best to keep my “arrogance” at bay.

The other night as I was reflecting on my last heartbreak I realized that one of the reasons I get my heart broken is that I don’t know why they leave me. Why would a man leave the “every man’s dream” kind of girl?

And that was when it hit me, I have always thought of myself as every man’s dream while in fact I am nothing but every man’s nightmare.

I have always said that, I am sexy, smart, well educated, loyal, and kind hearted. I am everything a man would ever dream of having in one person. And I have always been surprised that they all fled this for what I believe are “lesser” women.

This is how deep my arrogance is, and how much I am an “every man’s nightmare” type of girl.

I am arrogant. I think highly of myself. I am self centered in ways that you can never imagine. I am sexy but that also comes with deeply rooted desires that never fade. I am always in mood for “intimacy” and if my man isn’t in the mood, I will start nagging.

Yes I am a nag. I nag whenever I feel disappointed about anything. And I am always disappointed about something because I am controlling!

I have deeply rooted control issues that nothing in this world could fix, they are even contradicting with my “faith”.

I am well educated but I am highly opinionated too.

I don’t have a clear plan in my life, it is scary. Even my own dad is scared of how unclear my future is.

You can never tell how far I can be dependent or independent. It is scary too.

I never take no as answer, even if I know that no is the right answer. No is just how you get my challenge hormones work.

I fall in love deeply, that means you get to experience the crazy side, the stalker side, the obsessed side, the super jealous side and God only knows what other sides you will have to deal with.

I am reckless in ways that you can never expect.

I compare men, and I have known enough to start punishing new men in my life for things they didn't do.

I am nothing but a walking nightmare.

No wonder they all come on strong, then flee as soon as they can.

That Man

It was spring. Spring isn’t my favorite season. It is the season of dust and hint of hot summer.

It wasn’t meant to be but a virtual “thoughts only” relationship, but then it happened.

I remember that day when I said that he makes me laugh.

I remember a day when something he wrote got engraved in my mind.

I remember when I decided to break the ice and indirectly asked him whether or not he was married.

I remember how one day he asked me out.

I remember how he came on so strong, it was borderline intimidating.

I remember him pulling away, and I remember how I started panicking.

I remember our first date.

I remember how excited I felt. I remember telling Sameh about the excitement and fear.

I remember how I felt after that date.

I remember how I said it was the happiest day in my life. My heart was about to explode.

I remember how he pulled away later.

I remember what I told him.

I remember how he got back.

I remember the 1st time he kissed me.

I remember how he walked away again

I remember the tears, the heavy days.

I remember how he got back again.

I remember how he said that he didn’t leave me. That he was there but life sometimes is heavy.

I remember his promise that he will never leave.

I remember the last time we met, and how it felt like it is something that we might be doing for the rest of our lives.

I remember how it felt watching him pulling away. And how it felt trying to pretend it was ok.

I remember trying to give him the talk but holding back

I remember when I finally grew some balls and asked him.

I remember his answer … we can’t be but friends, this is the only way for it to work.

I remember the texts he ignored, the emails he never read, and the calls he never returned.

I just don’t remember when did I fall in love with him.

September 04, 2013

Pages from an unfinished novel - His Kiss

It was the first time he kissed me.

It was dominating, overwhelmingly dominating it scared me.

What really scared me wasn’t how he tried to dominate me with a kiss, but the fact that I enjoyed it.

I gave in to his kiss … I gave in to him.

I willingly submitted and then I was lost.

September 03, 2013

Here We Go Again ...

I don’t want to cry anymore …

I can’t think of anything that I really want.

My two steps up the hill left me technically nowhere.

I got the taste of how I want my life to be.

But it was all temporary …

I just don’t want to cry anymore.

On the closed closet ...

Remember Brad? I have been thinking about him lately. I think he is the worst man I have ever met in my whole life. It doesn’t mean my other men are better men.

But thinking about how it was played now, that guy had one intention from the very 1st moment he knew me. He decided to break my heart.

1st he played friends, then he said he wants it to be a date. Then he didn’t stop at a one date thing, he followed through. Then he disappeared and I found out from facebook he got engaged. He got engaged in the time he used to tell me he isn’t ready for commitment. He got engaged to a hijabi in the time he used to complain about my hijab. He got married, while he sold himself as the non marrying type.

That guy, met me, dated me, showed interest and feelings that you call can find evidence of in the blog with one intention, breaking my heart.

I can’t find any other reason.

He at times, intentionally deceived me. I, at times, intentionally ignored all the signs and warnings.

I was wrong, but that doesn’t make him right.

I have been going through all my relationships. All the men I dated, all the men I loved, all the men who crossed paths with me … I have been in a tour in the gallery of my broken hearts and I realized that each and every one of them knew me with only one intention. Breaking me …

I remember Mohamed’s last words in the night he broke up with me. I was hysterically sobbing and I could barely hold myself and he dared to look me in the eyes and say. “Shimaa you are strong, you will be fine, my mom and my cousin aren’t”.

I don’t know why exactly all of them got to that conclusion. That it is ok to break my heart.

I don’t know why exactly they all believed that I will be fine.

I don’t know why “breaking me” is so tempting.

They had fun. I am a nice company. I go the extra mile in a relationship. I try understand all the men issues. I play it cool.

I am well educated, I am sarcastic and I am a good friend.

I was kind to each and every one of them

And they did nothing but ruthlessly breaking my heart.

They intentionally broke my heart because I am strong and I will be fine.

Guess what … I am not fine.

Not anymore …