So, I was seeing a guy. A younger guy. I nickname him the kid. He suddenly acted weird. The weirdest part is that he started acting weird when I felt that I want to get him things.
I never give my men presents. Usually they make up fights to avoid giving me gifts in special occassions. And I sort of have a rule of never giving a man a gift out of the blue.
Anyway, I wanted to give the kid a watch. And I was thinking to give it to him without waiting for an occassion because I thought we wouldn't last till valentine's day or his birthday.
But the kid surprised me. We didnt even last for a couple of days after that thought.
I really don't know what went wrong and why.
He doesn't deserve a post. But I thought of writing about it anyway.
I Spent most of the last month praying that I'd die. I couldn't deal with pressures of life, I was faced repeatedly with how meaningless this life is and how futile is to trust others regardless how close they are.
I spent good amount of my days crying and my nights plotting plans to kill myself.
I had a rough month that doesn't seem to be clearing soon. I am tired, still partially praying to die. But I postponed the plans to kill myself. I still can't get myself to do it. Apparently I still want to live.
I want to live. But I am fed up with life's plot twists.
I still believe Daddy's death was unfair. I need my father. He is everything I have. It wasn't fair to lose my mother early in my life. It was neither fair for me nor for my brother, sister and father.
It wasn't fair. But we moved on anyway.
I know people keep saying that one should count his blessings and I know I am blessed. But others too are blessed. They have mothers, fathers, money, good health, husbands and children.
Others too are blessed as much as I am.
And I believe it is unfair that I spent most of my life without a mother and I have to go through the rest of my life without a father.
I don't remember exactly how and when I broke free from the "I want to get married" corner. The last thing I remember was H, and how "perfect" he seemed to be. I wanted to marry him. Then he said he isn't the marriage type. I started exploring other forms of relationships. I wanted to be with him. I kept thinking of ways, I tried my best to compromise. But it didn't work. He married someone else. It felt as bad as the sentence sound back then. It took me years to understand his motives. It took me years to feel ok that he is with someone else. But something happened in those years. I turned nihilist. The absurdity of life some how is heavier than what I can take. And I just can't think of committing anymore. I can't do home/ kids.
Sometimes I wonder whether or not those feelings are authentic. Because regardless my feelings towards marriage I still want a stable relationship. I still crave the little details. The morning texts, the random calls, the outings, birthdays, the safe company. I am still wanting a tomorrow with someone without worrying that he will leave. I want to fight without fearing it will end the relationahip.
I want details, lots of details.
I used to get jealous. I used to feel the heaviness of competition. Then I met him. And I realized that I shouldn't feel threatened by other women. There will always be other women but their presence isn't a threat to me.
I am ok the way I am, I am loved for who I am.
I realized that it is men who compete to get to me and I shouldn't ever worry or feel threatened.
The things is he left, but that didn't change a thing. I am loved for who I am. I am not in competition with someone else.
There will always be other women. But none of them will ever be me.
He said that I needed a fight so he gave me what I needed. I denied that I was looking for a fight yet kept fighting.
He listened, he doesn't usually listen.
He listened because I was angry and he wanted to know why I was so angry.
I am angry because he stalled when I was ready and because I stalled when he was ready.
I am angry because others did the things he was supposed to do. I am angry because he had known these things since forever and he chose not to do them.
I am angry because i know he did the right thing. Yet i can't help being angry every time someone else does smth i wanted him to do.
Sometimes I think that if it weren't for my persistence I wouldn't have had any relationship with any of the ex's.
I know it is good to think that they have chosen to keep me around because they valued me regardless the end of relationship. But the truth is, I worked to keep them. I walked the whole way to keep them.
The thruth is none of them "returned". I am the one who haunted them to get them back.
I have a sort of obsessive compulsive thing. Some thoughts -negative thoughts- take over my mind. I just can't help it. And it takes me lots of work to keep it checked. It drains me.
I try not to tell those thoughts to anyone for many reasons. I try not to act upon those thoughts ( i usually fail).
Anyway, those obssessive compulsive thoughts put me under lots of stress. The stress of the thoughts itself and the stress of trying to keep it to myself.
That Monday was seemingly just another day. On the surface I was a totally "normal" person. But I wasn't. That Monday marked the end of a week of an obsessive thinking. I was finally relived of the burden of both the thought and trying to keeping it at bay.
That Monday I had plans that got canceled. And an unplanned meeting with a person that I didn't really want to meet.
That Monday I was tired, I was out of form emotionally, mentally and physically.
That Monday I spilled parts of how stressful my week was because of the thought. He made a joke about it that I took seriously.
That Monday was how it ended.
I had a thought that I couldn't calm, I secretly acted upon the thought for a week. When I finally realized how pathetic I was, I started talking about it.
I didn't realize then that my obsessive thinking isn't really as funny as i think it is.
Actually it isn't funny. It is stressing and draining. I make fun of it because I make fun of everything in life.
I have obsessive compulsive thinking. And sometimes (oftenly) it drasticly affect my life.
He keeps listing my blessings. He said that I shouldn't be that sad. I have no "obligations" in life except to the things I choose.
I have no father, no mother, no children and no husband. I have the freedom every one longs to.
He also mentioned how lucky I was in my choices. He reminded me how easy my life is compared to everyone I know.
He reminded me of things I know.
He reminded me that my life isn't missing a thing, not even him.
I am free, lucky and my life is easy.
I feel guilty when I pity myself over trivial things
Seven months ago I got strange phone call from someone I never comfortable around.
The phone call seemed "benign", it was full of the regular "I want the best for you" nonsense.
But I got one feeling that day. The phone call was to let me know something. A piece of info that would have pissed me off.
Actually I got pissed off, but for the 1st time in my whole life I didn't act upon it.
I totally ignored the leaked info.
Lots of things happened since then, most of it wasn't going to happen had I acted how I usually acted.
Right now I am not sure whether or not I have done the right thing. All I know is that I have acted out of character.
I have been acting out of character. And I don't know whether it is a good thing or a bad thing
There is a good reason I love "H". I love how he is the only person who could help me snap out of a thought. He doesn't do it instantly, on the contrary. All what he ever does is offering me a different logic. He never pushes, he never even attempt convincing me. He just states what's obvious to him and let my obsessive compulsive thinking do the rest.
One of the things he casually mentioned was the fact that I have been stressing about being old in the time I am not. He said that given the average ages now I am expected to live more years than what I already lived.
Didn't I know such a fact? Off course I did.
I know that people live to their 80s these days, and with advances in medical care they will live not only longer but also with a good quality of life.
So, why so obssessed with age?
It wasn't until he stated the obvious when I started digging deeper on why I am having these tboughts and when did they start.
I discovered that it all started with the egyptian political turmoil in 2011. I started feeling unsafe, and everything led to another. I tried inventing new safety nets, those safety nets started failing and I started a loop of panic.
This panic ended just by a random line stating the obvious.
I am not feeling ok. I feel stretched thin. I could list why I am feeling so. But I don't have the energy to do.
I don't want to tell anyone I know about how I feel, because I have no energy to handle the cliches or the indifference.
I am not feeling good. Life is too futile to live. There was times when I wished I could just sleep for few years then get back to living. These days I just want to go to sleep and never wake up again.
One day I went out with my daddy but I got back home without him. Ever since that day my life haven't been the same.
I am not the same person anymore. One of the things that changed about me is how I deal with drama. Before the day I got back home without my father I used to engage whole heartedly in different types of dramas. Boy drama, friends drama, family drama, anything you could think of. I just dealt dramaticly with every aspect of my life. No, I can't deal with drama. I don't even cry over random things as I used to do. I cry only because I miss my dad.
Another thing that changed "dramaticly" about me is how I do things. Before my dad's death I used to refuse doing things. Now, I just do them. I am on auto-pilot mode. And though this seems good, but it is not really. For instance I am having troubles at work because of the fact that I wasn't created to do that job. Yet, I am just doing it. The mistakes I do put me under pressure, I hate myself for doing such mistakes and I hate how others use them against me, yet I am doing it on a hope that practice makes perfect.
How I am dealing with pressure is another thing that changed about me. I look at pressures, take a deep breath and just move on. It is ok to live with stress, and saddness won't kill me as I thought it might.
The last thing that changed about me is thinking about death. Before dad, I have always wanted to live. I have always thought that there are things I am missing in life, now I don't.
I don't really care about living anymore. I think it is ok if i died. There is nothing I am missing out on this life.
When Daddy died all my men kept their distance. No one showed up. They offered "remote" support. In fact they offer "text" condolences and disappeared.
I waited for them to show up, I needed them to show up. Yet they left me alone.
My friends on the other hand showed up
Each and every one of them. Even those I have lost contact with for ages, and those I barely know. I was showered with love.
While the men I gave all my love to denied me a little in return.
One of them later on told me that he didn't come because he thought i might not be able to act wisely. He feared that i might have cried in his arms or something like that. He feared we/ he would have needed to explain why of all other people I chose his arms to cry in.
I didn't cry in anyone's arms.
And I was showered with love he couldn't afford giving me.
Last night I cried myself to sleep. I wasn't lonely, I stopped feeling lonely. I cried because life was way unbearable. And I couldn't find ways to deal with it.
I had a squence of nightmares, he was there and all my insecurities was there too.
I am alone. It is ok, but sometimes life is way too unbearable.
Though I don't like writing about "him" yet there is something that I have learned being with him.
It is simple, intuitive yet worth writing about, you don't have to stick to a person who makes yoi sad. A good relationship is the one you will always remember positively. A good relationship has its up and downs but on the overall, you will always feel positive about it.
This might need elaboration. Maybe later, but for now always remember, if your memories together aren't happy ones, if you don't long for more of said happiness then you are on the wrong track.
One of the things I learned about me and my relationships' pattern is that I am the problem not men.
They had their share and everything. But it is me who can't settle. I get bored and I start nagging.
I nag for whatever I know I can't get. I nag not because I want it or need it, I nag because I am bored.
Why bored? I Have no idea.
I am starting to see myself in a different light and I am starting to hate myself.
For the 1st time I realize that when H called me "green" he was right. And I was totally stupid to feel fresh being called "green".
Nothing is good about an unripe fruit.
I am tired. And it is a long road to go. I am loving the light but I hate what it made me see.
I am scared. I know I have always been scared but this time I am scared my bad old habits will kill the light. I don't want boredom to kill the light.