July 26, 2017

The Little Things

I don't remember exactly how and when I broke free from the "I want to get married" corner. The last thing I remember was H, and how "perfect" he seemed to be. I wanted to marry him. Then he said he isn't the marriage type. I started exploring other forms of relationships. I wanted to be with him. I kept thinking of ways, I tried my best to compromise. But it didn't work. He married someone else. It felt as bad as the sentence sound back then. It took me years to understand his motives. It took me years to feel ok that he is with someone else. But something happened in those years. I turned nihilist. The absurdity of life some how is heavier than what I can take. And I just can't think of committing anymore. I can't do home/ kids.
Sometimes I wonder whether or not those feelings are authentic. Because regardless my feelings towards marriage I still want a stable relationship. I still crave the little details. The morning texts, the random calls, the outings, birthdays, the safe company. I am still wanting a tomorrow with someone without worrying that he will leave. I want to fight without fearing it will end the relationahip.
I want details, lots of details.

I want a future

I need a promise ... 

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