Youth Long Gone

I am supposed to be in a stable relationship yet sometimes I can't help but miss one or two of my ex-boyfriends.

whom do I miss?

I miss HH the most. I miss the effort he used to put to get to me. I miss the many times he got out of his way just to drive me to places. How he never turned me down whenever I asked for help. 

I miss how it was ok to just call him crying and complaining of things. 

I also miss MMIB, I miss every single detail of our relationship. I miss our routine. I miss how he used to be jealous. I miss how we never ran out of conversation. 

The truth is I miss them too much, and I don't know whether I really miss them or I am just longing for youth long gone. 

Maybe I just miss being hopeful with life ahead of me.

Maybe I miss the time when it was ok to have expectations from a man. 

I am not sure why I am missing them. But I deeply miss my ex-boyfriends though I am in a stable relationship with a man I deeply love. 

Liberation!

There is one thing about sex that makes or breaks relationships. Sex isn't something a girl "give" to a man. Sex is something you "share" with a man. Sex is just another thing you do because you want to do. It is like reading a book, watching a movie or eating a pizza. Sex is something you do because you want to do. And you decide sharing with something you like - just like reading a book or watching a movie - because you enjoy sharing it with them. You don't do it because you owe it to them, you don't do it because it is a prize or a sacrifice.

And in the same sense, they don't owe you anything in return. A man will have sex with you because he likes sex and likes you.

Acknowledging this will liberate you, your partner and your relationship.

Breathe the fresh air! 

Wait .. Wait .. Wait

I think the truest test of love is wait. The one who loves you will wait for you to come around, make up your mind, step up to occassion, when you are an hour late to a date, for your name to be called at the doctor's office and will be waiting for you at every finish line you will ever have to cross.

I think the truest test of love is wait, the one who loves you will always be waiting right there where you need him to be.

#RelationshipGoals

There is a scene in “Meet the Focker's” that sets the benchmark for how I define a perfect relationship or “real love”. There stood Ben Stiller (playing Greg) on a stage while drugged with “truth serum” saying “I still masturbate to Pam”.

If I will ever be in a relationship, I would definitely want to be with the man who will still be masturbating to me years into our relationship.

Where Are We Now?

My First man's name was Ahmed. When I met Ahmed I thought he will be my first and my last. When I met Ahmed I believed love is a "forever" thing. Then it didn't work out. And the next man I met I thought he would be the last but that didn't work either. 

I moved from one "last" man to one last man. And with every last man I believed that he will be my first "love" as love is a "forever" thing. 

With every "last" man I look for a "first" man .. 

Love is for forever. You are only the first if you are the last ... 

Bitter Ends

- What happened?

- He just couldn't handle how real my love is!

Maybe today

Dear Him

You know what the problem is?

I can't shake off the idea that one day - maybe today - you will fall in love.

I can't shake off the idea that one day - maybe today -  I will have to deal with the fact that you are nothing but a dream.

I can't shake off the idea that one day - maybe today - I will have to deal with the fact that I love you.

I can't shake off the idea that maybe today is the last day in my good days that started with our first Hello.

Mirage

How could you tell a truth from a lie?

Random Messages - 7

Loving you is EXHAUSTING! 

Leagues

A male friend of mine likes a female friend. I told him repeatedly that he isn't her type and he keeps asking what her type is then.

What I didn't tell my friend was the fact that girl is way out of his league. She is perfect and he is a mess.

The fact that he doesn't see how much of a mess he is or how perfect she is, is why he will always live with a broken heart and why she will never find true love.

She is perfect, she is out of the average man's league. Yet she always end up with some average man who would hurt her in process of trying to prove he isn't as average as he is and truly deserves a trophy woman such as her.

While he is an average guy who is overestimating himself and believes he deserves nothing less than her perfection.

Life is a cruel place!

On being a Cling

Hello world!

I miss writing in English as much as I miss writing about myself.
I feel like I have lost my touch. I am not pouring as much feelings & dark thoughts into writing as I used to do.

Anyway, as I have been single for quiet sometime now. And no one even thought of asking me out on a date in almost a year. Also I noticed that the moment I start flirting with anyone is the moment he makes sure to make it clear that he isn't up for a relationship.

So I thought there must be something totally off about me.

Maybe that I am putting on weight or age or even acne scars! Maybe I am losing my sense of humor. Or even worse I have become too senstive to be dealt with.

Actually, there are plenty of reasons that could scare them away but I think I know the one and only reason that makes me such a turn off.

Clinging!

Do I cling?

I don't think so, yet I might be giving signs that I am up to a serious relationship. And that I might be having expecatations. I might even want to get married. Not to mention the viriginty thing and the no sex without marriage rule.

Well .. if i were a man i would have been turned off. Why would I ask someone who have expectations of a decent healthy relationship out! Why would I get close to a virgin who won't lose her virginity without a ring?!

There is no good reason to take such risks.

They have every right to be scared!

*Sigh*

Soreness

I like a guy, which isn’t news. I am single, I have been single for so long. I have been juggling “rebounds” or maybe “hopes” of decent relationships.

But this time, I could tell that I like a guy. I like the chemistry we have and I like the worlds he shows me in every conversation we have.

Yet … I am not going to follow through.

Usually, at this stage when the guy seems so appealing I would make sure he knows I am interested. And later on, I’d try to take it further.

But this time I am not going to do. I am enjoying the safety of liking from a far.

Why?

Don’t mistake this for wisdom. It is pure lack of confidence.

I don’t think I have what it gets to get the guy interested/ keep him interested.

I have put on weight, I am still being called hottie but I feel fat. I have been fighting acne for years. I am a no one. I am 35 with no brilliant career and no clear “future”.

How is that supposed to be attractive?

And this is how sore defeat is.

Defeat

I feel defeated!

I had a series of surprise birthday parties/ gifts/ texts & phone calls. Part of this could be attributed to the fact that I have plenty of loving friends and family. And part could be attributed to the fact that I changed the settings to my birthday on facebook to public. I decided as a treat for my 35^th birthday to indulge in self celebratory attitude. Guess what? It worked. And I had one of the best birthdays in my 35 yrs.

Yet that leads us back to the defeat.

I feel defeated!

And this defeat could be put in one sentence. I am never enough!

I am never enough … and it is exhausting. It has been exhausting all my life to try to be of worth.

And now as I realize that I have lost each and every battle I have ever been at, I am starting to wonder what does a person do after losing the war?

I have spent all my life thinking that all what you have to do is keep fighting. You keep trying. You never give up. You don’t quit. I have spent all my life believing that losing a battle doesn’t mean losing the whole war.

But I feel defeated.

I have no energy to fight. But I have no idea what do you do with defeat!

A Serious of Pointless Posts - 5

We are not supposed to marry the sperm donor but we can date the dilido right?

O!

Social media changed the face of the world!

I know this is an overly used cliché but I can’t help but using it. It changed how we interact with people and how we view ourselves. It sort of inflated our egos, and unleashed denser versions of us.

Social media allows you to show off your trophies, hide your vulnerabilities, sympathize (or pretend to do) and most importantly judge others, through judging their work/ creations/ thoughts, by easily “rating” them.

GoodReads is what I call the facebook of readers. Before being introduced to it I had troubles remembering which books I read, and which I should have on my to-read list. I had a very annoying habit of buying multiple issues of the very same book. Which I believe is expected because duh! I liked it once; I’d like it every time I see it!

Goodreads came to the rescue. Not only I could organize the books I read and plan for future readings but also I can show them off, make friends based on showing off what I read, recommend what I think might interest my new friends and finally get a sense of accomplishment by rating and reviewing the books I read.

And that “rating and reviewing” option seemed to be unleashing the “critique" in me.

The rating button is so tempting. I would rate a book the moment I finish it. I would carelessly write what could be safely called my 1^st impressions of a book and call them “reviews”.

The sense of accomplishment achieved by rating and reviewing books could be blamed for the fact that I forgot that ideas need time to settle down. I forgot that we don’t only read to get the ideas intended by the author but we also read to get the ideas inside us stirred.

And this sort of a long, yet I believe necessary, introduction for an “Erotica” review!

It was Valentine’s Day and people were all about love. An article somewhere suggested a list of “love themed readings”.  The story of O, the subject of this review, was included with a brief description comparing it to the infamous 50 shades of grey.

I only read the 1^st of the 3 parts 50 shades of grey saga. I found it deliciously shallow. A simple “impossible romance made possible” with a hint of sex. 50 shades of grey promises “BDSM” as a theme yet it didn't really deliver it, there was nothing kinky about it. It was played on the borders between “Vanilla” and the not so “Vanilla” sex.

Looking for a similar experience, I picked O. Yet O was disturbing! A deeply disturbing story!

I was looking for a light story about love, and O didn't deliver love. I expected few spanks and bossy sex yet O wasn't about sex. Instead I was introduced to seriously dark sides of human nature.

Flogging, prostituting, piercing and branding. These are not acts of love or lust.

Rating and “reviewing” O was a piece of cake. It is a bad book; don’t attempt reading it unless you are into seriously disturbing sexual fantasies.

But then … I let the book sink in!

The book was written in the 1950s by a woman who used an alias. It was “revolutionary” at the time it was published. Rating it more than half a century later is sort of unfair. Because in part, when you rate a book, you rate the novelty of the idea, and the bravery of the author.

Books discussing BDSM these days are neither new nor brave! But regardless the bravery and novelty the book is still disturbing!

How could a young successful woman consensually submit to her lover who in turn gives her away to someone else!

That someone would put on chains with his name on her genitals and brand her like cattle then offer her to groups of his friends like an object. Later, in the suppressed ending of the story, he dumps her!

And it was those very disturbing actions sinking in what made me review my “review” of O.

Because maybe after all the story is about really love.

The key word was “Informed consent”.

Nothing was inflicted upon O by force to which she had not already consented.

She didn’t attempt to break free from her “bonds”. She wore them proudly as they were the sign of belonging to her lover.Nothing was keeping her “enslaved” except her love and her self-enslavement.

She submitted as an act of love.

She submitted in order to keep her lover.

She simply gave away parts of herself to please the person she loves. And as desperate as this sounds but this is something that everyone does on daily basis!

We shove bits and pieces of who we are to please/ be with the people we love. We call it sacrifice.

Again it is all about “Informed consent”.

We fall in love and we agree ahead to the things that will be “inflicted” upon us as a result to this love without knowing what they will be.

We simply play along. And we choose not to escape. Nothing keeps as bounded to whatever is inflicted on us except our “Love”.

And just like O, maybe we will end up dumped or dead after going through all forms of pain.

I am not sure whether or not the author intended her erotica to hold a deeper message about love or life. All what I know is that she wrote it to the man she loved as a part of a dare that women can’t write erotica.

Well … apparently she won because it was a success. Yet again it will only pass as an erotica by the 1950s standards. It has almost no sex, plenty of torture and the only love in it you will find it here.

I think it is time to re-rate the story of O again!

The Death of the Fairytale

I have always wanted a fairytale. Deep inside me there is a little girl who is waiting for her prince charming.  Deep down I believe in true love. I believe that love conquers all.

With every relationship a part of me looked for the fairytale. I waited for my men to come around. I wanted them to choose me.  I believed our love will conquer all.

It just didn’t happen but I didn’t really care. I kept believing in magic, I kept the little girl and her fairytale alive regardless what I really said.

Then I met him!

He didn’t believe in magic. He repeatedly said that our problem is that I hate reality while he is real. He spoke facts. He said that life had no fairytales.

For the 1^st time I thought maybe I should let go of the fairytale. Maybe love doesn’t really conquer all. 

He left proving once again that love isn’t enough. That there is no prince charming who would conquer all to be beside his princess.

But that wasn’t what killed the fairytale. What really deprived me from my belief in magic is the fact that he left to get back to his ex wife.

He left to be with what he repeatedly described as an obnoxious woman.

The excuse he has been giving to the world is “I am doing it for my daughter”.

But what he is really doing is that he is pretending to be happily in love with the mother.

He is giving the little kid a proof that love conquers all. His is giving her a fairytale. Her father and mother who got divorced for years are getting back together.

A prince charming is coming around for his princess.

The man who never believed in magic is turning into a magician. The man who said he doesn’t want his kid to believe in fairytales is making a fairytale come to true to please the little girl. The man who said I live in my dreams while he is nothing but reality stole my fairytale and gave it to them.

My fairytale is dead.

H.U.N.G.R.Y

I got my heart broken. Again!

I know it has become the norm. Some of you must be wondering why I keep doing this to myself.

Honestly, every time I fall in love I decide it will be the last time. The first time I fell in love I thought it will be the 1st and the last but things didn't work out as I expected. So I did it again with the “this man will be my last man” in mind. I kept repeating for God knows how many times till I got to that man.

He is 7 yrs older. Mature, or so he appears to be. He is much more experienced than me. He is smart, handsome, plays different social and mental leagues. He is interesting on every aspect. It was natural for me to like him.

“Like” might be an understatement. I deeply liked him. I liked how he thinks, how he writes, how he speaks, his voice, his smile, how he treats people and how he can win the hearts of almost everyone.

I liked the chemistry I felt between us, how similar his priorities and mine are, and I liked the daemons and spirits he magically awakened in me.

Falling in love with him was the next logical step.

I didn't want to fall for him. But it happened!

“He is going to be the last one” I said to myself. Again!

I didn't have enough experience to stir the relationship and I was scared I might scare him away.

He took control of the relationship and day after day I started realizing how deep the compromises I would need to do if that relationship was ever meant to survive.

I am 34 yrs, yet I never had a “serious” relationship. At my age, my 1st wish for every New Year is still a “stable relationship”. I never got past the “fear of rejection” phase. I want to know how it feels to be “accepted”.

I never got a man’s love for granted. I never got to the phase where couples comfortably fight. All my relationships ended at the very 1st sign of “conflict of interests”.

I was hungry for stability, while he wanted to keep whatever we had “short and shallow”. What we had wasn't really shallow. It was full of details, inside jokes, secrets that no one would know except the two of us. Yet, I think he didn't want this to mean anything.

He was escaping “stability”; he is divorced with a kid. He already has a “stable” commitment in his life (to his daughter). Already tried, “stable” commitment and didn't really work out (to his ex wife).

Stability wasn't his dish, while it was all what I craved.

Then came another thing. I am a virgin. Sex was an issue. He wanted sex and I couldn't give him sex on “short and shallow” basis. For him sex is just another natural step, it wasn't a big deal. But it was a big deal for me. He was understanding. He didn't push anything yet he couldn't understand my hunger for the things lesser than sex. He found no point in them as long as I am not going to do “anything”. In his own words, this isn't sex. But it was satisfying for me in many ways that he couldn't get.

I was hungry for different levels of intimacy, while he constantly felt he was too old for this.

Sex was something we both wanted but on different terms.

The different terms might sum up the whole struggle. I wanted things that girls in their teens would want. It is totally expected that I would want them. I didn't do any of these things before. I was waiting for the right man. I was waiting for him to come along. But he wasn't waiting for me. He had a full life before me.

He tried all the details I have been craving to the point of boredom. His life after me wasn't really accommodating of those needs all the time.

I want to fall in love, to be swept off my feet often, to be able to dream, to have the sweet talks, the kisses, planning a life together, naming unborn kids, to be comfortable discussing awkward topics and to have sex while knowing it is a huge step with lots of meanings … I am hungry for details that people my age have out grown long time ago.

I am 34 yrs old and single, eligible men are all like that guy. They already lived and their lives ahead aren't so accommodating for a grey haired virgin who is longing to live her teen-aging years.

Compromising my hunger is a must for any of these guys to even consider a relationship with me.

My hunger is more of a liability. It is, I believe, a huge turn off.

A late 30s, early 40s guy wouldn't want to do the things he has done in his 20s.

I spent my 20s waiting.

An early 40s guy doesn't really care whether or not I am a virgin. He doesn't care how many men broke me before I met him. He knows that shit happens and life goes on.

He would listen to the stories but he isn't here to mend anything. Mending is something younger people try because they still didn't experience life and still couldn't get the fact that some things can’t be mended and among them are life scars.

What an early 40s guy worry about is whether or not I am in for a relationship on the terms he set. What worries an early 40s guy is that there is a teen hiding inside what seems to be a grown up woman.

A teen who would complicate everything because she is so hungry for a life that she should have out grown by now.

But that teen is there because that teen has been trying to do the right thing. That teen believed all the things she was raised to believe.

That teen waited to have things the right way, and now as she watches grey hair and wrinkles spreading everywhere, the right way doesn't seem to be so right after all.

The point is, I am hungry and he was full.

He is every man and I am every “teen” woman.

 … and my heart is broken again. 

Every Man's Nightmare!

If my mom would have ever had last words to tell me, they would have been “Shimaa stop being arrogant”.  She had always warned me of my arrogance.

But I wasn’t that arrogant to ignore the warnings. I have always tried not to be arrogant. I hide lots of my “confidence” and lots of my “views of things”. I try my best to keep my “arrogance” at bay.

The other night as I was reflecting on my last heartbreak I realized that one of the reasons I get my heart broken is that I don’t know why they leave me. Why would a man leave the “every man’s dream” kind of girl?

And that was when it hit me, I have always thought of myself as every man’s dream while in fact I am nothing but every man’s nightmare.

I have always said that, I am sexy, smart, well educated, loyal, and kind hearted. I am everything a man would ever dream of having in one person. And I have always been surprised that they all fled this for what I believe are “lesser” women.

This is how deep my arrogance is, and how much I am an “every man’s nightmare” type of girl.

I am arrogant. I think highly of myself. I am self centered in ways that you can never imagine. I am sexy but that also comes with deeply rooted desires that never fade. I am always in mood for “intimacy” and if my man isn’t in the mood, I will start nagging.

Yes I am a nag. I nag whenever I feel disappointed about anything. And I am always disappointed about something because I am controlling!

I have deeply rooted control issues that nothing in this world could fix, they are even contradicting with my “faith”.

I am well educated but I am highly opinionated too.

I don’t have a clear plan in my life, it is scary. Even my own dad is scared of how unclear my future is.

You can never tell how far I can be dependent or independent. It is scary too.

I never take no as answer, even if I know that no is the right answer. No is just how you get my challenge hormones work.

I fall in love deeply, that means you get to experience the crazy side, the stalker side, the obsessed side, the super jealous side and God only knows what other sides you will have to deal with.

I am reckless in ways that you can never expect.

I compare men, and I have known enough to start punishing new men in my life for things they didn't do.

I am nothing but a walking nightmare.

No wonder they all come on strong, then flee as soon as they can.

On Consistency and the Forbidden Fruit

I am a virgin. Somehow this very personal detail has become a hot topic of discussion in the last couple of years. I have been repeatedly put in situations where I had to explain that I am a virgin and, for the time being, I don’t think I will ever be having sex outside marriage.

It all started out with a date. It was sometime in September 2011 when a nice, younger guy asked me out for coffee. He was full of life; it had been years since I was last asked out on a date; I needed life and he offered loads of it. He was a breath of fresh air … of hope. Yet, the guy was direct; he was in for a fling: good company and sex.

Before him I was used to the fact that men will always want sex but they tended to play lovers to get to it. Before him, none of my men doubted the “virgin” part. The “virgin” part was taken for granted. They all wanted sex, yet sex had always been off the table because duh! “I am a virgin”.

This guy was the 1st one to offer a strictly sexual relationship, no emotions attached. And I had to decide whether I was in or out.

And that was when my virginity started to be the topic to discuss.

In this part of the world girls are expected to be virgins as long as they are not married. Yet it is the 21st century, different levels of intimacy had become discreetly accepted. It all depends on your social level. The more you are exposed to “western culture” the more likely the circles you play are open-minded regarding sex. I am saying more likely because exposure doesn’t really grant open-mindedness in our society.

Sex is a taboo in this part of the world. People have been trying to break this taboo yet they have been failing … royally!

Needless to say that relationship failed, it never got started in the 1st place. He wanted sex; I couldn’t give him sex so it faded to a “you are someone that I used to know” type of thing.

He was the 1st but he wasn’t the last to suggest a sexual non-emotional relationship. As that relationship faded I met another guy. Someone that I deeply liked and I dare to say that I deeply loved. That guy was clear too. Marriage for him was off the table, but sex was the most important item on it.

That guy didn’t offer a fling-ship. He didn’t even offer a relationship. He offered nothing and that was somehow everything (Yeah! I am that pathetically in love with him). In his own words, our relationship has different aspects and one of them is sex. According to him sex is a pleasure that should be given and received within the context of exchanging pleasure only, nothing more.

Again my virginity became an issue. Yet, and because I am desperately in love with that guy I started to entertain the idea of sex. The pressure of love and other things got me to the point of thinking why won’t I have sex with him. Why would I want us to be married? After all, and religious reasons aside, marriage is nothing but an exclusive long-term relationship or at least it is what is supposed to be or how I think it is supposed to be. So if I can have the “long-term” and “exclusive” parts, again religion aside, maybe sex will be ok.

I didn’t really voice my ideas to the guy; we moved past the sex aspect of the relationship and kept the other aspects. To be more specific he moved past the sex aspect, apparently he either lost interest or maybe lost hope that I might one day come around what he once described as my obsolete idea about sex.

His move left me with more questions that were even doubled by the appearance of someone who showers me with too much “I love you’s” yet definitely believes that love isn’t love unless it is “consummated”.

Different men, different age groups, different backgrounds, different experiences and different settings yet all had one thing in common. They all wanted sex with a virgin whom they couldn’t really get why she is hanging on to her virginity that much.

Such offers usually leave me both flattered and offended.

Different super interesting men believe I am sexually attractive, this is flattering! The fact that I can’t see why they would get that much interested in me, along the fact that none of them ever offered a “decent relationship” is deeply offending.

Stuck between feeling flattered and offended my moral system gets shaken too deep to the point of clearly showing an inconsistency. Apparently there is a huge gap between what I believe is right, what I say I think is right and the right I actually do.

Is sex wrong?

Yes, No … Maybe! I don’t know.

I really don’t know. I believe it shouldn’t be wrong. Sex is natural. Desire shouldn’t be a sin. But things don’t seem to work in such simple ways in the complicated world we live in.

In this part of the world, the 1^st challenge that faces the “righteousness” of sex is religion. Sex is a sin that will get you safe and sound to hellfire. If you are a “believer” guilt will be the dominant feeling associated with whatever “sex” you decide to have outside what religion said it should be.

The 2^nd challenge that faces the righteousness of sex is social customs.  Sex is a social sin that will get you safe and sound to the “doomed group”.

Well, it depends mainly on your gender in this part of the world. The rule is, men are accepted to do lots of the social sins. They are men. Our society is seemed to be tailored to “protect” the virtue of women. I am not sure why but probably because men have no virtue to protect after all!

Anyhow, regardless that the society is more flexible accepting men who commit social sins you will still be labeled if you engaged in any form of sexual relationship outside wedlock. And unlike the religious reasons where you can work out a way with your God, the society doesn’t really forgive. And most importantly they won’t easily forget.

In this part of the world, where the individuals are more open-minded than the societies they live in, double measures become the norm. Consistency is really rare. People are used to doing what they don’t believe in, they preach what they can’t/ won’t do and more importantly judge others for doing what they secretly do.  

Sex and religion are two major fronts where you can touch the double lives and double measures epidemic spreading among almost everyone you know.

Religion for instance is supposed to be a relationship between you and the God you chose to worship. The details of such relationship are supposed to be personal. But somehow, whether or not you are a believer in God is a basic concern of the society. Everyone would want you to worship a certain God in a certain way. If you chose not to, you will have to pay a certain social cost, a cost that will depend on how grave the society thinks your sin is.

So people end up pretending. They pretend to be religious. They pretend to be socially right. They do whatever makes them “socially acceptable” while maintaining the things the society can’t really stomach a secret.

People stretch the boundaries of their personal freedoms while not having to confront the society.

One of those stretches is what the infamous HH once termed as “Virgin Sex”.

According to HH, and later all the generous men who offered me sexual relationships, I can enjoy a sexual relationship without really losing my virginity. For them, and perhaps for the society, a girl is a virgin as long as she didn’t engage in a penetrative vaginal intercourse.

So, many men and women in this part of the world agreed to engage in all forms of sexual activities outside wedlock as long as there isn’t vaginal penetration.

They pretend that the sex they have isn’t really sex as long as they don’t get caught.

The interesting part is that all those actively engaging in stretching their own personal boundaries are actively engaging in limiting others personal decisions by being part of the tight society measures.

A man who is open to having “virgin sex” with the girl he loves isn’t as open to the idea if the person involved is his sister. The same man who would pressure the girl he likes to jump from base one to three will advise his best friend to cut off the man she likes for doing the same with her.

A man who says that virginity isn’t really a factor to judge a girl will make a pass at every non virgin he knows.

It is duality and inconsistency everywhere.

And because of all the duality and inconsistency I can’t have sex out of wedlock. Not because I believe it is wrong. On the contrary, I believe it is my right and it is everyone’s right to live their life the way they want. I believe that it is my right to fall in love and to have sex and not to worry about social consequences.

I am at a point of my life where I open to compromise lots of the things I thought can’t be compromised. I am turning 34 in few weeks, and although marriage was never a goal of my life yet loneliness wasn’t one of those goals either.

I am open to considering relationships that are not the “happily ever after” type.

And there is two ways to do this. Either I confront the society with my decision and bear with the consequences or play by the duality rules like many are doing.

I don’t have enough courage to live my life the way I think I should be living it. Yet, I have lots of self respect not to let myself fall in the dual life/ double measures trap.

So, until a further notice I am keeping my virginity.

Different Pages, An Example.

Her: Honey, we should go to the opera ...
Him: We should have sex!


Her: Honey, we should have sex!
Him: I am taking you to the opera ...