September 30, 2015

Friends and Self Confidence

I am going through an episode of lack of self-confidence. I have been going through it for a while. I can’t really tell when it started, but I know it started small and right now I am suffocating with feeling incompetent.

Let’s first start by stating that usually I am a highly confident person, some would call me arrogant. But I don’t fit the definition of arrogant, I am just confident. The said confidence got shaken repeatedly. I won’t call my life generally a failure, but my love life definitely is. And my love life has been the major source of self-confidence shakes.

With each man and each failure I lost a piece of my self-confidence.  “H” left me totally defeated. I tried rebounding after him but the rebounds added insult to injury. So, for the 1st time in my life I decided that being single is fine, and not looking is fine. I meet interesting men and I dare not like them, and if I ever liked any of them I dare not show it. I just like them from afar and enjoy the crush till it fades.

I thought that would leave whatever left of my self-confidence safe but little did I know. My self-confidence got deeply shaken because of male friends.
For every time a male friend decides to emotionally approach a girl, all what comes to my mind is why not me. I know friends are friends. I know I never think of them this way, but I just can’t help it.

Why them not me?

And my male friends start listing the things they like about other girls, and I start remembering the things they don’t like about me. And everything comes back to the surface. Everything … Ahmed’s mother, HH’s games, Mohammed’s betrayal, Brad’s turn offs list and even the 5th and 6th October incidents with Sameh.

It all hits me in the face.

I am just a friend to them because they never liked me the other way, and though I never liked them the other way it somehow deeply hurts me.

I know I am lonely, I feel defeated. My dry season has been going on since forever. I know I shouldn’t let these feelings get to me. And I know I am risking losing my male friends because of the said episode.
And knowing all these, especially the last fact that probably I am going to lose my male friends because of my feelings, doesn’t make it any better.

I am self-confidence- less.

Well, maybe I have some left, because I managed to write my feelings down and I risked sharing them with the world.

I am having an episode and I don’t know how to help myself out of it.


L.G. said...

أصدقائك من الرجال لم يفكروا بك كحبيبة لسبب واضح وضوح الشمس ولكنك تتغاضين عنه ... السبب هو ثقتك بنفسك التى لا يتحلون هم بها فليست لديهم ثقة بأنفسهم أنهم يستطيعون التعامل مع شخصية مثلك
يكتفون بكونك صديقة ذلك لا يجلب لهم الكثير من المشاكل
لكن لو اصبحت حبيبة او زوجة بصريح العبارة

حتوجعى دماغهم
الذكور بيريحوا دماغهم يصادقون امثالك ويتزوجون بأخريات لا يشبهنك في شئ

وعلى رأى الراحلة مارلين مونرو
الرجال يفضلونها غبية

تحياتي ولا تقلقي ثقتك بنفسك مرض لا أمل في الشفاء منه
اذا تخلصت منه ستجدين من يكافئك عقلا وقلبا

Shimaa Gamal said...

تفتكري كده فعلا؟ ولا تفتكري العكس؟

اني عندي عاهةواضحة في الثقة بالنفس لا يمكنني اخفائها وده اللي بيخليني فولة مسوسة؟ :)

L.G. said...

هههههههههههههههههههه لا يا فولة يا مسوسة مش صحيح

اضحكك ليا صديق قالى مشكلتك انك عندك ثقة زايدة بالنفس أو انعدام ثقة التنين مع بعضيهم ههههههههه