August 16, 2007
Diary Of a Broken Heart - A Comment on the Finale
I have to admit that being sore have got to my memory, I can’t remember all what happened. I have to admit that the shame feeling have got my way to express and that’s why what I wrote about Brad might be missing a lot.
But to clear things up, I liked Brad but this like didn’t get to the love status as I didn’t know him long enough to love him. I liked him tremendously. I first liked what I read, then what I heard and the deal was sealed by what I saw.
When I let Brad in, I let him in for safe company. I have had enough before meeting him. I have had gone in circles for years. I didn’t want to get rushed into a relation because it gets harder every time. It is harder to fall and harder to recover.
I wasn’t playing a game. I was never a player. But the idea of meeting someone and thinking of a destination is something that I can’t be doing right now. I have been traumatized enough. The only thing I can think of is the road not where it ends, the journey not the destination. This is the only defensive way my mind knows to minimize the pain. That doesn’t mean that I wasn’t taking the Brad thing serious. But seriousness for me might be slightly different than seriousness for others. What he called the “connection” we had was enough for the time being. As far as both of us respected the rules and played by them. And the first rule was to cherish the friendship as it was the most important thing.
Seriousness for me should always meet the form of a relation I think is safe.
I wasn’t going to accept such a form of relation if I knew Brad was the marrying type as such a form of relation with a man who is willing to commit means that I am playing around. And I wasn’t playing around; he turned out to be the one who was playing around.
And thanks to him, now I have learned one more lesson. Now I know that there is no such a thing that’s called safe company. The same way there is not such a thing that’s called a different man.
So, I guess I will have to change my idea about the perfect form of relationship. Or maybe re-think about the probability of relationship. I don’t think relationship of any form should be on the cards any time.
I just don’t think I deserve what Brad did. I don’t think I deserve a sudden disappearance, and an engagement picture. I don’t think I deserve the deception. I don’t think I deserve to be lied to, to be betrayed. I just don’t think that Brad had any good reasons to do this unless the typical reason of being a male who care nothing about any of his females.
A friend asked me if Brad was that important to the extent I decide to expose myself the way I did. I couldn’t answer that question as I don’t really know whether Brad was that important or not. But I know one thing that he has done what everyone else did. He left without giving a reason and he left for someone else. So, I wanted to write it down maybe if I read it I will find where the error was. May be I could know who put the spell of the curse. May be I could finally know the reason why I always end up attracting this type of men. Why they all leave me. And why the arrogant lioness never accepted the fact that these men have dumped her for better women. Why this lioness dare to think that she is the cream of the cream.
I just would like to know the reason, why have I never been loved? Why was I not worth anyone's time, worth the effort, worth the feeling? Why didn't any of them ever think I was worth the phone call to end things up? Why none of them thought that a couple of lines in an email won’t cost much? Why none of them ever mentioned the real reason that made him leaves?
Don’t I worth to be loved?? Respected?? Cherished??
When Brad finally re-appeared he said that he wants my forgiveness as I am a dear person. It wasn’t my first time a man whom my blood still wets his dagger manifests me for dear.
The question will always be, if I was a dear person why hurting me in the first place?
Why was I always dear and always hurt? I wish I am not dear but also not hurt.