August 15, 2007

Diary of a broken heart - Finale



The start was something I wrote, “I am a happy single”, and the rest is again HISTORY!

It really took me long days and months that summed up to be more than a year to get back in shape, or at least to claim that I am back in shape. I couldn’t lose the feeling of guilt or the looks hunting me “we have told you so”. I dedicated my time to my work and family. I fought the midnight loneliness with food. I managed to enjoy the single and not looking status.
And thanks to “S” all my scattered pieces were put back together. And I started re-trusting the world.
I started writing about my views. I wrote here, there and everywhere. And that’s how Brad spotted me. He showed interest in my writings. We seemed to be tuned on the same ideology channel. And as I was staying low I didn’t even try to approach him. I kept it within the boundaries of exchanging opinions.
He made a move and asked a common friend to introduce us. He said that he felt that I didn’t like him, as most of my replies to his posts were kind of harsh. I justified that with one reason, that for me he was just another man. But the more I got to know him the more I discovered how he was slightly different.
He asked me out for a coffee, and I didn’t mind I was interested to get to know the man then he asked if this coffee could be a date. I liked the idea too. I liked the man and couldn’t deny it, so why not dating him.
I wasn’t sure at that phase what am I up to, but we made a deal.
Based on the ideology we share, both of us aren’t the commitment type so marriage is off the list, he asked to keep sex off regardless how good the date went and I asked for friendship to sustain regardless how bad the date goes.

So, the deal was to date, and to keep friendship in mind and sex outside.
He was so clear about his position of marriage, he opposed marriage regardless his reasons, and I am opposing marriage for lots of reasons. So he didn’t fall under the full playboy category as he isn’t the marriage type. Playboys eventually marry; they play till someone manages to frame them and keep playing whenever they get the chance. He wasn’t a playboy wanna be as he was experienced. And again he was a sample of a new type of men. I acknowledged this difference. I recognized his experience and in more than occasion I mentioned that he is too smart for me to understand and he is too smart for me to deal with.

He was still having a couple of weeks before he comes back to Egypt for vacation. And for these couple of weeks we spent our time chatting, he called a couple of times, text messaging each other and everything went good. Actually the more I got to talk to him, the deeper my crush went. I declared this crush to him and he replied that he is having a crush back on me. Time flew away and he came to Egypt in vacation. We live in different cities so we didn’t meet right away. He called me first thing in the morning when he arrived and for the two months to come, he seldom break the habit of calling me every morning to the extent that I got used to have my breakfast with him everyday.
He even used to call in the middle of the night because he missed me. He was playing by the book. A friend of mine said that Brad is following the instructions in the first page of dating for dummies. I enjoyed it because it was the common rituals. The man said he likes me and he acts as he said. He even said that he can’t be seeing other women because we are dating. We were as he put it in his own words, friends with potential.

Everything went so fine, and we had the first date which was amazing. The flowers, the dessert we shared. The whole date was amazing. Time just passed by so fast and I didn’t want it to end. I wanted more of him and I was wondering if he wants more of me.
He didn’t show any signs that I have turned him off on the date. I kept wondering if he will ask me for another date and he did. And the second date was even better than the 1st one. In his words “this is what I call a date”.

There was a time when I felt he is pulling away, time when he said that there is nothing wrong. He said that he is just having a bad mood because he is leaving. And he promised to tell me if he ever decided to leave. He promised nothing will go wrong. He said that I should get all these crap out of my mind. And I willingly did.
He left to work and everything kept going good. He even played the card of the “two of us are connected” when he interfered to solve the misunderstanding between me and the friend in the AhlyCorner incident.

He initiated the definition talk, which is labeled as the female’s talk. But he initiated it wondering how I define our relationship. We got to a result that we both are enjoying the undefined relation. We both liked each other, and sex was still off the table and the relation is my aim not how we define it.

He was supposed to come back to Egypt in another vacation in August. I was happy and anticipating it. In the last two days in July, I noticed that he stopped mentioning this visit among other things that he stopped doing too. He stopped saying that he misses me, and he stopped kissing me. I discovered that he has changed his mobile phone without telling me and that he was coming to Egypt in a couple of days without thinking of mentioning it to me.
I posed the question, is there anything you want to talk about? He replied no, why? I said because I feel you are different, is there anything wrong? He replied that there was nothing wrong. And that he simply didn’t change.

I though it was my old phobia, I gave him the excuse of working long hours. And thought everything will change when he come back to Egypt.

He came, but he didn’t call. He disappeared for around two weeks; he didn’t answer my calls, my SMS, and even ignored the calls of our common friend.

I couldn’t find a reason for his behavior and everyone kept telling me that it doesn’t really sound like he can do such a thing. There must be a reason.

I didn’t need a reason; I knew the man did what everyone else did. But something inside me hoped I was wrong. Something inside me wished that the man is really a man. Something inside me didn’t understand the reason for him to deliberately hurt me. There was no such reason for such behavior and we were supposed not to have a room for such a kind of hurt.

Though he stayed low, but he didn’t stay low enough for my radar to miss him. I kept an eye on him tracing his untraceable actions.
I discovered the reason for his disappearance, Brad got engaged.

I was shocked, as people don’t get engaged suddenly. Things like engagement, especially in a place like Egypt, take long time to be done. So, Brad who claimed wasn’t the commitment type turned to be one. Brad, who said wasn’t seeing other women because we are dating, was seeing me while he was planning an engagement.
Brad, who dared looking me into the eyes saying that things like marriage are off his list, had nothing in his mind but marriage.
While looking to that picture of him and her showing off the rings, I remembered everything that happened. I just started asking myself a long list of questions, why did he approach me in the time he was in a relation? Why did he ask for the date while he could simply kept friendship? Why the daily phone calls while the manual said it is a sign of interest? Why the kisses (though over phone/ text)? Why to share a fork? Why to kiss my hand/ cheek? Why the salt and pepper demonstration? Why the nice *** comment? Why asking for the pictures? Why allowing me to explore? Why encouraging me to get more involved in the time he couldn’t be less interested? Why? A long list of “whys”.

There has been many occasions that he could have simply said “honey, I guess I have a piece of information that you might find crucial”. He could have simply spared me the long talk about the woman I have inside me and how much he love that woman.

He could have simply played his cards, and let me decide how I would see “us”, if “us” was an option.
But instead, he simply enjoyed the company, trapped the prey and didn’t even care to finish her. He just disappeared, as simple as that. The hunter disappeared after firing one sharp bullet to his prey’s back. A bullet that won’t finish her as the prey is so thick, but is enough to make his prey faint to the ground.
Does it hurt? I can’t answer that question as the word hurt and the word feeling seems irrelevant now.
I feel used; I feel that he used me to help him vanquish the stalker. I feel stupid because I have believed him.
He could have simply asked for my help without playing the “I like you card”. I could have helped him anyway. He could have spared me the feeling I am having now he managed to care as he said he did.

I can’t believe he asked me to elaborate more on my date with him. Just the thought that he was laughing out loud on the little silly girl who thinks herself experienced is killing me. The idea that he was asking me for pictures that he will laugh on, or add to his wall of fame is killing me. The idea that I have loved him, trusted him and he betrayed me is killing me.

I just can’t understand his motives; there were hundred thousand scenarios that he could have followed. I don’t know what made him choose the most painful one. I don’t know what makes a man who has been warned that the creature he is dealing with has had her share of pain intend to hurt her again.

I couldn’t understand Brutus’s reason to stab his all time friend Caesar. And I can’t understand Brad’s reasons to stab me in a Brutus/ Caesar scenario.

I am feeling sore, and this soreness is getting to my memory. I am feeling ashamed of myself. I am ashamed that I have let him in, that I have trusted him. I am ashamed that I have let myself get hurt again. I am ashamed because I didn’t learn my lesson. I am ashamed because I still had hope. I am ashamed of being myself.

I wish I just can be angry, I wish I can scream. I wish I can get back to the demons inside me and plot revenge. But I am too ashamed to do so. All what I can do is to stay quiet, to take it like a grown up and move along.


For more details on the Brad's connection review my older posts:





4 comments:

Anonymous said...

You Said;
just can’t understand his motives; there were hundred thousand scenarios that he could have followed. I don’t know what made him choose the most painful one. I don’t know what makes a man who has been warned that the creature he is dealing with has had her share of pain intend to hurt her again.

you want the answer.
I was playing, Enjoying the time. Just for playing with a girl.

Shimaa Gamal said...

Anonymous

Thank you for your comment, and though I know you are not Brad.
But I know you have summed up the story or may be you summed up all the stories.
A man fooling around and enjoying a female's company ...
That means I am right. Men are SELFISH, horrible creatures and that there is nothing called a different man. Q.E.D

Anonymous said...

Shimaa

u r right in 80 % if your thinking
i am a man and i think most of men are selfish specially in that kind of releations.

but they r not same.

Shimaa Gamal said...

No they are :)