August 13, 2007

Diary of a broken heart - 2

I am still detoxifying, I can’t deny that I am deeply hurt and as I dig the memories I discover that each time the hurt was deeper, may be because they were stabbing me in the same place. The only thing that I couldn’t understand is why they have deliberately hurt me. They have planned and worked for it. Why they initiated things that they knew will lead to bloody ends, bloody because of my blood scattered everywhere.

I didn’t take long getting over the M.M. shock (my 1st playboy exposure), but the apple comment some how found it way into my mind. It was a career switch program (I managed to get all the professional certificates needed but I didn’t have the switch). I was there to get new experiences and in course I met new people.
I was the very same person, the flirty, the loud and the shy. And he was a colleague. He got attracted to me because I was his dream girl, the language, the style, the ideology all were killers for the poor man. We played friends as I wasn’t really interested.
The queen wanted someone to tell her how magnificent she was, and A.K. was perfect. Swinging between friends and friends with benefits, we both didn’t try to define the relation. We were comfortable in the cozy undefined gray zone.
Along with A.K came G.H. who happened to be one of the instructors. G.H. played it another way. He started giving me extra care as he was friends with a friend of mine, started playing friends and showed all the signs of like. He’d show up wherever I go, did his best to get my phone number and kept contact even after he left to another job. Phone calls, asking for meetings, chance encounters and finally he asked to come visit me at work to give me a program that I wanted. He could have sent it by mail, but he preferred to do the home visit.
Later on, G.H. got engaged, sure enough to a completely different person.
But what was the real experience out of this career switching program was the famous H experience. H is my dominant ex, it goes back to 5 years from now.
His side of the story starts before my side. I remember I have spotted him parking his car in my way in. he said that he has spotted me in the car before even me noticing him.
He said he kept praying that I will get into the same building he is getting in and he found out that he was even luckier. He was my instructor for the next couple of days.
He caught my eyes, and later he caught my mind. He was smart with a delicious French accent on his English, Muscular looking with a degree in computer engineering. Smells good, dressing good. He was just the type I want.
As a teacher he helped me as a student, and one thing led to the other and we exchanged phone numbers and ICQ numbers.
We chatted, we talked and he said he has feelings for me. Two days later he sent me an offline message saying that he thinks that I am too good for him, he is such a bad creature and for my own sake he is going to withdraw from my life.
Again, the rain drop refused to let the rock go. I pursued him to know what he meant by being bad. The silly me thought it was just an excuse to break up with me. I remember all what he said at that time was “as you like”. And it went as I liked, at least for the first month.
He was the first to pose sex as an issue, before him all implied sex. But he was the first to put sex in a zero sum equation. And when I refused there was our first break up. A couple of weeks later the rain drop pursued the rock with an email offering compromise. I thought that this might be a good way to trap him. I didn’t perceive the whole picture back then.
After the mail we were back on track till he asked for a meeting and I agree. I remember it was Christmas Eve. He passed by to pick me up. And instead of going to some place he started driving around. Till the point I felt his hands approaching me.
I screamed saying that this is not what I want, he replied in a cold surprise that he thought we had a deal, I said I was just trapping him. Then we had a fight and he drove me back home. he called the next morning saying that I should let go and I won’t lose a thing. He said things about how much I will enjoy it. And I remember I was so clear and I replied that this is not what I signed up for. A couple of weeks later he called again. apologizing that he has been through some bad circumstances that made him act that way and he wants to get back. And again we got back. That time, some how I remembered that I have a friend who happened to know someone who worked with him.
I didn’t call that friend instead I waited till I met her in a friend’s birthday party. I asked her, do you know someone called H.H. she replied in shock, yes but he is engaged.
She kept telling me stories about how he is engaged to that girl and he is in an on/ off relation with her. and how he dated another friend of ours in on of the offs to the extent that he almost proposed but he came the next day wearing his ring telling everyone that he has got back to his fiancée without even telling the poor girl a word.
I took my shock and put it on him; I asked him, are you engaged. He replied no, I was. I then asked why you didn’t tell me before, he said because it hurt talking about it, and the clichés that he was going to tell me in the right time.
We kept on so good, till all of sudden he started not answering my calls. I sent him emails, sms’, called him on all the numbers I had but he didn’t answer. Finally he called back and said few words, I am going to get back to my fiancée and I want it to work that time. Please don’t call me anymore.
This time I cried, I cried too hard. I cried because I was stupid enough to buy his sweet words. I cried because I was silly enough to believe his promises. I cried because I was arrogant enough to think that I am a rain drop who can win over a rock.
I kept crying but not for long as he showed up again, this time he apologized and talked about how much his family wanted him back to his fiancée. And that he has broke up with her for the final time. He started talking about future, where will we live, where to spend the honeymoon, my expectations of the ring, how my family will react to him.
That mask was impressive enough that I bought it too. he even introduced me to a friend of his. Everything was good, till one night I was chatting with that friend of his and he asked me, did you congratulate H, his “katb ketab” is tomorrow.
Sure, that wasn’t the end of it, he showed up couple of months later apologizing for how things went and asking for friendship. I didn’t turn him down as I needed the support. One more time the false queen inside wanted someone to tell her royal highness how magnificent she is. I accepted his request for friendship. And maintained the friends/ enemies relation over the span of the 5 yrs I have known him.


Miss Egyptiana "Trapped Soul" said...

mmm !!!

i started to beleive that you are kinda cursed dear?!! did you buy any strange peace of jewelry with a strange looking stone that change color between night and day ???!!!

first let me tell you that you are right when you said ma7adesh beyet3alem belsahel!!

second, any man hurt you didn't simply plan it ... it is the urge o the hunt in them... they just don't care whether u will get hurt or not as long as they win a number in their list

i am glad you didn't fall in the sex trap with someone who only cares about your body ...

sex is a beautiful thing that has to be shared with someone you truly love and cherish, and he does the same

cant wait for the coming parts
god bless you

Trespasser said...

I second Egyptiana's sentiment. I admire your candor, and your willingness to let it all hang, and I hope you get peace of mind in this troubled existence of yours. I am quite certain that, like everything else, this too shall pass, and hopefully it can only make you stronger, and not break you and reduce you to a recluse.
(Whatever you do, don't adopt 12 cats, and become in your old age the neighborhood's "cat" lady.) ;-)

Good luck, and God Bless!