December 24, 2007

The Spider

As I wave farewell to the year 2007 I decided it is just about time to get back to the job market. Ten months are more than enough as a break. I didn’t meet the unemployment definition for the last ten months as I wasn’t willing to work, now as I am writing these words I finally met the definition. I am capable, willing and searching for a job.
Being back into the job hunting race doesn’t mean being desperate, I am still picky and I am taking things as easy as I can. I don’t want to fall in the old trap. A trouble free job is the position I am seeking, nothing worth hypertension.

Job hunting is a thrill that I enjoyed feeling again. Interviews are the best part I like about job hunting. I like wearing the professional look, the professional smile and the professional handshake. I like being arrogant and showing off skills without being blamed for doing so.
That was what I exactly planned the other day as I wore my professional look, professional smile and professional handshake heading towards the well known advertising company. I was already flattered to get to the interview phase, not because I wasn’t qualified for the job but because the company has a policy not to recruit veiled females. I was flattered that my modest skills and experiences got me an interview regardless the fact that I am veiled.
By the time I had my last interview, 5 years ago, it was customary to go at least 5 minutes before your appointment, which was the thing I did. But I found out that I have to wait for more than an hour as the head of the company, who will interview me, is busy because some mistake in his schedule.
I enjoyed the exploration, and the comments. Then it was finally my time. I made sure I am wearing the smile, and gave the guy the confident handshake as I introduced myself. I was prepared to answer whatever questions he’s got but surprisingly enough I couldn’t answer his question as his question was “WHAT IS YOUR ZODIAC SIGN?”.
Honestly, I reacted simultaneously. I laughed. And when he asked me why am I laughing I answered that it wasn’t the kind of question I was expecting. He said that in his company they ask about everything even shoe size. And that was when the woman kicked in and replied 38. He smiled repeating the zodiac sign question again.
Knowing that I am a Leo, the guy seemed to be so interested in me. He said that female Leos are the softest females. That was the fact that he built on that females of my generation are completely treated unfairly by the men of our generation and that “I” should date men his age, as men his age, which is only 15 years older, knows how to treat a lady.
In a try to direct him to my professional experience and answering a question about what do I think of myself as a person, I told him that I think I was a shark in my past job. He liked the description as that was more than what he signed for a lioness who happens to be a shark a work. He concluded the interview by writing a big “OK” on the papers that sums me up then he walked me to the door.

I wasn’t sure how should I feel at that moment. Should I feel happy I got the job, or should I feel disgusted I had such an interview. As I was waiting patiently for my ride to arrive I decided that it is pure disgust that I feel. And in a hopeless try to get over my negative feeling I started evaluating the shark description. Am I really a shark?
I was surprised that when I thought it over, I discovered that I hope to be a shark but the truth is I am far of being one. I am not vicious by nature; I don’t attack without a reason. And I don’t like blood.
I have had my share of fights at work, I have had my share of bossing people around and I have had things done my way in many times. I was ruthless but always out of defense, given that attacks are the first line of defense. And this doesn’t make me a shark. I discovered that I am more like a spider than a shark.
I crawl in unnoticed. I sew a web with my name on every thread. I mark every inch as mine with the threads. Till one day, all unnoticed, the place is mine.
When I left, there was a “Shimaa” gap. I left my print on every single file the company had, I had my print on every single operation the company took. I had my sign on the kitchen, on the walls and even the noise had my sign. I went in unnoticed and when I left the whole company was my marked territory.
I was a spider crawling into my mother’s shoes. When she died no one would think I could ever fill in. no one noticed me crawling in. no one cared to check the little signs the threads on my web left. In 14 years I knitted the perfect web. I maintained the family; I am running the house with no clear date to mark as the day I stepped in.
I didn’t have an anniversary to celebrate in any of my relations. There was never a clear date to mark the start of the relation as I have always crawled in unnoticed. None of them noticed me coming. They all woke up on the suffocating fact that they are marked as mine. They enjoyed the tickles of the little spider; they never expected the web to be a territory marker. The never related the fact that my unconditional love meant that they are mine the same way I am theirs.
The amazing thing that my men, my ex’s, have reacted the same way my ex boss and my family reacted to my spider web technique. They all freaked out.
First was my family with the territory fights. My dad by the “I am not your husband to try to control me”. My brother and sister by the “we are not your son and daughter to expect us to obey”.
Then it was my boss’s turn to escape the vicious web by his attempt to create a new position superior to me.
And finally my fleeing men who did what their instincts as men dictated them to do. They ran for their lives. Manifesting the spider technique one of the ex’s screamed in a sincere talk the other night saying “for God’s sake, you need a superman”.
When I couldn’t get his point about the superman he elaborated that I scare my men away. And that I have freaked him out more than once. He asked me about the reason he broke up with me the first time, I answered because you are just a playboy. He said sure I am, but that wasn’t the reason. He said that a playboy won’t break up with a girl just because he got a kiss. He said that a kiss was the least he wanted. He continued that the real reason he broke up with me was the way I reacted after the kiss. Or the place he woke up after the kiss to find himself in. he said that I was everywhere, I was in his dreams, in his mail, in his phone, in his friends. I was literally everywhere. I suffocated him. And that was the only reason he ran away the first time. And it was the reason each single man ran away.

Am I really a spider?

1 comment:

Miss Egyptiana "Trapped Soul" said...

well ...lets dont use the word spider "i hate them"... better say ... attentive to details :)

first i am glad u r back to the job hunt race, better than staying home, and will move the stagnant water for sure

second :) an advise ... dont try to contain people and matters... they are either too small, or too big ... and it will end up always by an explosion or disslove in you till they loose their identity ... u can do it, bas to a certain extent...

i am totally unlike u by the way... i just give a butterfly kiss and walk away ... leave this fresh sweet flavor of rain and dew... i have enough me for me :) i am so soaked in myself and my little world ... i wish i have your sense of reality :)

i love your self analysis

regards ya habibty and keep the great work