January 24, 2008

Confessions - 2

My fairy tale has always revolved around impossible love. Being the person I am, challenges represents a huge percentage of the thrills of my life. So it was expected for me to always opt for the impossible. Whether that impossible is a grade at school or a man to fill the vacant prince charming position.
I admit challenges are the pleasure of my life, but that never meant that I have won every challenge I took. I have failed to love mathematics regardless how hard I tried. I have failed to be a financial analyst, and I don’t really know why I did. But bottom line the thrill is in taking the challenge regardless whether I will win it or not.
So, my fairy tale was a challenge. I didn’t want to be a princess. I wanted to be a different girl, a new type of Cinderella. I didn’t want the glass shoes and the step mother. I wanted to beat the odds of life. Busy schedules, ambitions, old love and family were the odds I wanted to beat with my prince charming. I wanted my man to be mine, then let go to come back regretting every moment he didn’t spend with me.
I was a girl, or may be I still am, who had her fairy tale. I was a girl who kept a picture of her prince charming. I was a girl who waited for his smile to lighten up her life. I was a girl and that was my dream. I wanted a man to love me to the extent that he will choose me over the world. And when he does, I will be so happy spending my life beating the other odds of life with him. I even planned a speech to say in our wedding party, which was going to be the first time in our community for a bride to give a speech, I was going to tell him that I can’t promise him happiness as bad times occurs. I can’t promise him to love him the same way I do because love needs work, I can’t promise him to stay fit or beautiful to the end of my life. I can’t promise him a fairy tale because this is life. But all what I can promise him was myself. I promise to stay when everyone else leave. I promise not to turn my back. I promise to fight and my target will always be him. My aim will always be us. And that was when my silly fairy tale theme song was supposed to play.
Oh, pathetic. I was a girl, or may be I still am, with the same silly fairy tale. I was the Cinderella of my own drama. I was the queen on a fake kingdom waiting for an unknown passing by prince to come over and slay the non existing dragon.
Then he appeared, covering my whole life in deep gray. Moving in his shades, and struggling in chains I kept my fairy tale in my heart. I still wanted him to be my prince charming. I still dreamt of the wedding and the speech. But this time there was no time for a song.
I wanted to marry him, but not to live happily ever after, but to prove that I worth of being married. I wanted to marry him to get even. I wanted to marry him to divorce him in my speech.
I wanted to say it out loud. I wanted to say that I know that everyone is wondering why I am marrying him. Why did I choose the remaining of man to accompany me for the rest of my life? Why did I choose the wrong package? Why am I deliberately staying in the shades in the time the sun must be shinning else where. I wanted to say that if anyone thought love is the answer, so I guess they misunderstood the question because I am not doing it for love. How can I love the man who patiently screwed my life for years, how can I trust the one who broke all the bridges that I have patiently built between us. How can I give him a chance in the time he exploited every other chance I gave him. How can I spend the rest of my life in his cage in the time the sky is my home. How can I belong to him in the time I know he isn’t mine to claim?
I wanted to look him in the eyes and say now I am free. Now I let you go forever. Now I tear the page that holds your name. Now, only now, I am me.
Again, it was the girl who had the dream. It is the girl who wants the fairy tale. And it is the woman who knows that fairy tales exist in fairyland.
It was always the girl who wanted him, prayed for him, believed him and trusted him blindly. It was always the girl who ended up hurt. It is always the girl who cries him a river. And it is always the girl who misses him.

I am almost free!!
The woman laid a plan that worked perfectly, and now the girl is whining. I am afraid one night I will have to bury the girl in the same box the fairies are buried.


Anonymous said...

Sweet Biscuit,

I raise my height and hold high a torch of fire ablaze from far beyond rivers and mountains, from the darkest of places only to say from the very top of my lung: I agree on every single word you've cleverly laid.

Myself, being a male, have had my silly boyhood dreams too. Failing most of them; I abandoned my imaginary shining armour, and set free my white horse into the cold enchanted forests of life. And instead, walked on amidst the shadows of givens, and deciept of rugged terrains. My new targets and aims, where of humble origin and materialistc based ambitions. Set level to my own low and rather feeble capabilities. And as I strawled through life doing so, I came to realise that the knight in shining armour image was not the hardest thing to do; on the contrary as the great Nitcshe was once quoted:

"The hardest thing in life is to be an average person, in all aspects of life"

Very well true, I reckon. What do you think?

Truly yours,
Biscuit Man

Shimaa Gamal said...

My dearest Biscuit Man
You are still holding the position of the creator of my genuine smile. I believe that Nitcshe can’t be anymore true. The hardest thing ever is to be an average person in all aspects of life. Moderation my dear is the thing people can’t do. Our judgment is mostly biased, our dreams are mostly exaggerated. And being an average person means being always in touch with reality, something that I can’t personally do and I don’t think anyone can do.
My good friend Sameh, always said that our simplest dreams are always the hardest to get.
I just miss you

Love always

insomniac said...

reading that post, i related.

the girl made the same promise and got her heart broken... the woman is collecting the pieces and throwing away all the mementos!

we all make bad choices... they r much easier when we're in love... take it easy :)

Shimaa Gamal said...

Hello Insomniac
Yeah, we all make bad choices. I guess that all our bad choices are related to love.
We fall in love with the most appalling persons. We do the things we think we would never do. And we end up as different persons.
Thanks for passing by

Anonymous said...

Dear Shima ,

I loved the part where you were saying your vows . I've always loved that part in movies and I wish i get to say these words one day.I love your style in writing ,its captivating :)


Shimaa Gamal said...

Hello Rana

Thank you so much for your comment :)

and sorry for the later reply :)

I wish I could get to say these words one day too.

May you have all your wishes come true.

Happy New Year :)