March 31, 2008

The Two Rings – Status Update

I know I might have said this like 100 times before but I won’t stop saying it. I don’t know how I was going to pull through if I didn’t have Sameh in my life. Up to this moment he is the living proof that I can still attract decent and respectable men. I can still have friendship that’s not biased at any level with malicious thoughts.
My sweet friend Sameh called me last night. He was checking on me. Earlier I sent him an SMS saying that I am extremely depressed which has been the case ever since he has known me. I have always been depressed and moaning. Or at least this is as far as I can remember. Anyway, he asked the typical question “how are things going with you?” I gave him my typical answer that I have been giving to people for little around 8 years now, “Nothing new”. I laughed telling him that my life is all about two circles. These two circles get repeated in the same routine over and over and over. Nothing could ever be new. I go through the very same problems and I give the very same reactions and I always end up where I started.
I have the “HH” circle and the “family” circle. As I am writing this I discovered that these two circles are extremely similar. Both are abusive, both never take no as an answer and both are a die hard.
On the “HH” side nothing is really new, it is the very same scenario but with different lines. I had laid a plan to kick the “HH” addiction out of my life. I thought that my plan worked till I found out that this plan has a little draw back which was HH’s reaction. The plan was simple and naïve counting on his arrogance and the fact that he will never think I will ever have the courage to try to get him off my life. I wanted him to take the step; I used the things he used to say that he hates about me. I nagged, then I nagged and when he thought I was done nagging I nagged again. I put him in the famous corner “marry me or I will be off to another relation” and that was when he gave up. I couldn’t even believe that he had given up for such a silly old trick so I topped my cake of lies with the cherry of declaring my engagement. He bought it and when I was done celebrating the rise of the sun after a long era of darkness I discovered that my persisting shadow wasn’t gone in the first place. He was just taking a break of my nagging. He was back with a smile and an offer. He wanted to be the other man. But I couldn’t live with the fact that he believes I am no better than him and that I am just a naturally born cheater so I came clean with him and I confessed that the whole engagement thing was a lie to blow up his lies.
And so, here I am trying to catch up with the tunes of what I hope to be my last waltz with HH. I am back to exactly where I started.
On the family side, nothing is really new. I just want to declare that I have a wonderful loving family. I still have to admit that there are things that I hate about my family but who doesn’t. And the family circle isn’t about family affairs. It is about work. As my ex-boss was my uncle.
This circle started little before the HH circle. I got graduated and I had high hopes and we all know how hopes are the only way to disappointments. So, I couldn’t find a decent job. I couldn’t find any kind of job. I was either over qualified or under qualified. And my dad wasn’t that patient to leave me hunting my Red October. He decided that I should start working for him. My dad has a little business in the field of contracting and construction along with my uncle. I didn’t like things there. My dad wasn’t my type of boss. He gave me assignments not jobs. He has always had someone else do the job and I felt like that everyone there was baby sitting me. I packed my bag of hopes and I was off to a career switching program. Later, again I fell under the catch 22 spell. I wasn’t experienced in the time they needed experience. And that was my second time to get back to my dad and uncle’s little place. I didn’t stay for long as I was off to other jobs, it all ended dramatically; even one of the companies went bankrupt. And again I was back to the little place but this time my uncle decided to use my qualifications. He found a way to use my English proficiency, my computer proficiency, my accounting knowledge and my financial courses. It was fun. I made things out of nothing. I laid systems and people had to follow. It was a perfect environment for a spider like me. Everything had my print. But as everything in life, it isn’t always that good. My sweet uncle started abusing me. I started to work extra long hours. I had to be the 1st to go and the last to leave. I couldn’t take a vacation for two years because if I did who will do the work. I was completely underpaid. And when I asked for help he didn’t bring me an assistant he promoted someone who used to work under me to be my boss. And that was the straw the broke the camel’s back. I simply left. I said no and I meant it.
The tricky thing for working for your family is that everyone thinks that I get a special treatment because we share the same blood. But the truth is, when you work for your family you put your personal relation at stake. Little work problems always turned to be huge family problems. Family gatherings were business meetings. They abused me with the name of the family’s best interest. The problem with working with family is that you will always be wrong because they are older and they know what’s best for you and for the family.
I was off and it was the worst break-up I ever had in my life. I was off and he didn’t even consider apologizing. He asked every possible person on this world to ask me to come back (he wanted me back because who else was going to do the work) but he never did the call. Now after 14 months. After getting 6 employees and a manager to do the job I used to do. He wants me back. He said he is having major expansions and he wants a family member to watch his back. Can anyone spot a pattern here?
I just don’t know what’s so tempting about me for people to try to abuse me. Why if not sex it will be business?
Honestly, I have lost my faith in people. I have real problems trusting. I have turned to be a paranoid creature who expects a stab whenever someone smiles to me. These two circles have really left me with nothing to hold on.
I remember the last time I met Brad when I poured my worries into his ears. I told him that I need a change. He wondered if I need someone new. I replied I just need something new. Now I guess I know what I need. I need a new circle. I need to break these two circles for good. I spent all my sweet twenties in an on/off relation with HH and with my family business. I don’t want to waste my thirties fighting the same old battles and losing for the same old reasons.
That was Shimaa Gamal reporting about the two rings
Over and Out.


LiL^OrioN said...

that is why, sometimes, it's best to have friends, than boyfriend. and if that someone wants to be in a relationship with you and be serious with you, propose to get married. just lyk what i did. that's what i did to most guys.. maybe that's why they all ran away. haha!! i guess that shows how much they really want you.

i'm just like you, i find it soooooooo hard to trust men, especially after all my failed relationships. that's why i bury myself with work.

can't talk much about family cos my family's pretty much broken. but good enough. hehe.

my circles was just lyk yours back then. but i found a new circle when i return to His path.. doing a lot of work and community work now. =)

anyways, you take care too yeah? He has better plans for all us, always. =)

Shimaa Gamal said...

Hello My Dear Friend :)
I have always said that who needs a boyfriend in the time he has a bunch of great friends. Friends are always there when the others carelessly decide to ruin the little good thing the planted inside us.
Anyway, I am trying to break the circles. If I couldn’t I guess I will die trying :) :)

Thanks for your comment
Have a great day

Miss Egyptiana "Trapped Soul" said...

familly circle
work circle
me circle
failed love circle

going round and round, ceasslesly routine motion... sometimes i feel as if i am in a some sort of COMA, and pray to wake up on something new ... something that breaks the routine... that tell me am alive

you should stick to your lie, else you wont be able to get over him, and now - thanks to you - he will not believe a single lie again!!!

oh shimaa... burry him, burry them all!! dont loose the thirties ... kefaya our twneties are gone in sensless battles.

i think the best thing to do, is to creat a customized circle... not easy, but we can always try

my regards

Shimaa Gamal said...

Tell you a secret, I think the problem with my circles is me. The problem is that I keep fighting destiny.
A couple of days ago I was about to give in. I got a nice white flag and I decided to surrender.
I couldn't do, though I believe that the only way out of these circles is to stop fighting. The only way out is to give each of them what they wanted. Those who wanted the business and those who wanted the sex. I should have surrendered but one more time I have failed myself.
But honestly, I don't know for how long I will keep fighting, I am too worn out to do.