so, he is back. not in full package, and not with his complete will. I know i dragged him into it, but the end result is that i can have him again within the circle of my life.
he didn't change, he is the very same coward, with the very same old plans. he is still marrying his cousin. and he is still enjoying cheating on her with me.
i wanted him back for recovery purposes. i kept mourning him for more than a year. the fact that he left without a closure was behind this very long mourning period. i wanted a closure, so i brought him back.
i can't deny it was fun to have him around again, it has always been easy around him. the flowing conversations, the endless jokes, the way we both end each others phrases.
i wanted him back for closure, and he wanted me back in full package.
his full package includes a loyalty clause, so in his full package i am not supposed to date, flirt, or even have male friends. on the other hand he has the full right to keep on his plans with his cousin. i am the one for the talks, for the outtings and i am the one for everything but she will always be the one for the marriage. i can't keep thinking of the long list his friend gave to me before we broke up the 1st time. his friend told me no way that he will be leaving his cousin for any reason, not to mention leaving her for you. she is a millionaire, his parents wants them married, her parents wants them married and he is kind of loving her. so i replied if he loves her why he is with me. i got no answer for this question, i just got one advice, this will end bad and you are free to believe whatever you want.
i believed him, and i believed he loves me, i believed he is marrying me, he made it seem like a granted thing, but he ended up choosing her tears over mines. he chose the family, he cried and said i can't get out of the family for anything.
i needed a closure, i know he is a selfish coward, but i wanted a closure, to ease the pain.
so he got back and wants things to be the same way it was with a slight difference, his formal commitement with his cousin. and with an official statement from him that "us" has no future, or at least no promising future.
he is playing the jealous cards, the "i love you cards", the "i need you cards" and all the cliches humanity invented since adam and eve.
everytime he plays one of these card i move one more step away from him and one more step closer to the closure i needed.
everytime he does, i think that may be he never loved me. everytime he plays one of these cards, i believe that if he ever loved someone, it was never me, it was never her. if he ever loved anyone so he only loved himself.
i want to kick him away, but i still can't. something inside me still wants him around .. something still can't find the closure i seek.
but i don't know for how long i can keep ignoring his full package plan. as the more i ignore the more cards he play, and the more cards he play the nearer i am to blow.
so, i am just a bomb waiting for detenation.
he never reads what i write, even the long mails, he always prefered to talk than to read. part of his average charcter. and i am a writer by instinct, i prefer reading to useless talks ..
though he knows me enough, but he never knew that one day i will use my moto with him, my moto is my way or no way. now, i have to use this moto with him, it is either my way or no way. his time is up, i can't take more compromises, i can't accept to be in the shades, i am a sun girl my place is where the spotlights are, so my sweet selfish eX honey .. sorry .. but i think i can't fit into ur plans ..
in the eqauation the eX-factor should be elminated!!