The other night during one of HH’s sessions to brainwash me he said he loves me to an extent that I could never understand. I said I guess I loved him more. He paused for a moment and replied “you will never know” and after a longer pause he said “you can never know”.
What he said that night seemed to be an answer for a question that have always popped into my mind. People have always said they loved me, but I couldn’t ever find a proof for that love. Maybe I couldn’t because love is undefined and it is not easy to proof something that is foggily defined.
People have always said it is something that you would feel. Which is true to a point as feelings might fail us sometimes. Feelings are good up to the point our minds give in. and yet again the question will rise, if that really love? How would anyone tell?
The answer was on my bathroom shelf. I have always reached for the same shampoo; I loved the way it smelled. People tried convincing me that other brands might be better for my hair, but I just loved my shampoo so that’s why I have always preferred it. So the answer my bathroom shelf gave me was “love is preference”. Love is when you prefer something/ someone over anything else regardless how good it really is. You prefer it for a reason that is good enough for you. I took the shelf’s answer and went to dine with a friend. And though I am still following a diet I couldn’t resist trying the cheesecake. That cheesecake cave me another answer, love is when you enjoy while compromising. I had to walk back home to burn those extra calories. That cheesecake was worth every step I walked. I didn’t mind sacrificing effort and time. So love is in sacrifice and compromise. So now it was in preference, sacrifice and compromise. I looked around me and saw how my sister have gone through all my moods and managed surfing my waves. No one else would have tolerated my ups and downs. Not on a daily basis not when these moods change every other minute. The answer my sister gave me was love is in tolerance and co-existing.
So, till now love is made of preference, sacrifice, compromise and tolerance. I looked at my dad’s version of love, while he keeps forgiving. I listened to a distant relative saying that my mother was on her bed, battling cancer and literally dying. My mother didn’t ask our relative to pray for her. She asked her to pray for her husband and little kids. For my mother we were her priority. She’d put us ahead of her own interest. So love isn’t only preference it is also when you put someone as a priority. It is not only in sacrifice, tolerance and compromise. It is also when you forgive. It is when fresh starts are always an option.
When my brother and sister got me a new cell phone in my birthday, when they gave the new gold bracelet, when Essam called to listen to me crying for an hour after Brad’s disappearance, when Sameh blames me for the stupid things I do, when Roka keeps calling to get me out of the cave, when Fatma always remember and always know. And when Safaa bought me the earrings I wanted and when she said that she wants me to know that she loves me more than any of the creepy men in my life and she will always be around regardless how far she might be going. These are all proofs of love. They all drew a smile on my face when I thought the whole world is against me. They have gave me the confidence others deprived me from. The all reached a hand when they thought I might be falling. They proved love without letting me even wonder. They didn’t say a word. They said it all when they said nothing at all.
They have done this all without expecting a return. They did it for love.
So next time you say you love me, think twice. I need no words. Love is something best said when no words are spoken.
Thanks my friends for always proving that I was right when I said, love resides elsewhere.